Hello,
I am new to the forum and looking for opinions on my current situation. Over 1 year ago my grandfather died leaving behind my grandmother who has stage 5 Alzheimer’s disease and their elderly dog. They have significant assets and a rural home with land. They have 3 children, all women including my mom who still works.
after Grandads death my wife and I (childless and in our late 30s) received a phone call from my mother in tears crying that she needed me to move in with grandma because “ I can’t do it I need to work etc.
at the time my wife and I lived in a town 2 hours away. My wife has a great corporate job (fully remote) and I have been recovering from a major accident that’s required multiple surgeries (I’m out on disability) we had a lovely apartment in town with a robust social life and lots of community connections. Our lease was up so we agreed to make the move and do our part to help out. The family was overjoyed with the news we would be moving in with grandma to help. Everyone in the family all said how much they would help out and give us breaks as needed.
Awesome, right? Yeah not at all.
its been 1 year and I have provided around the clock supervision/care while my wife works 50 hour weeks in the home office. I get around on crutches and have constant pain and suffering of my own. In the past year I have had 2 major surgeries one of which was donating a kidney to my dying best friend (he is doing incredible)
I was hospitalized for 3 days after and required at home care from my wife when I got home. Grandma stayed with mom. The 3 days I was hospitalized. When I got back to grandmas house from the hospital mom was waiting in the house, having just gotten there with grandma. She immediately left and said she had to get to a dinner party. WTF? I just had major surgery and now I have to be full time caregiver as soon as I’m home? I was in extreme pain and needed help just to use the toilet. I somehow managed to take care of grandma while in extreme pain myself (wife absolutely had to work, so she helped as much as she could.
my family has been completely useless with helping out. They do almost nothing to help us and have essentially put us in a position where we provide 24/7 care for their demented mother. Grandma also has Bipolar disorder and was a wretched person and a horrible abusive mother. She is extremely difficult to deal with and honestly I have grown to not enjoy being around her because she is so difficult.
here is the kicker. We don’t get paid anything for all our help. Not a single penny for 24/7 care of a difficult elderly woman with advanced Alzheimer’s disease. Years ago my grandfather told everyone that he had written all the grandchildren out of the will because he wanted his kids to get everything. None of us cared because we all have our own money and success and our grandfather was kind of a bully and used manipulation tactics often.
now here we are providing 24/7 care to an abuser for free (mom and her siblings justify it in their opinions because we live rent free, LOL, the house is a run down old dump that I have always hated, it will be torn down when they sell it, the land however is gorgeous and worth a small fortune)
my question for all of you is this:
are we being taken advantage of (I think so)
what would you guys do in this situation?
thanks!
Best of luck
Lucy
Many posters & many of us who reply have made choices to step in. To help in various ways. Provide housing, help with our own hands or funded home help services.
Many saw a family member in crises. Swooped in help.
Became the Hero.
It felt good at the time.
If this was you, own it.
This is step #1.
The plan (or deal) no longer works well for the people IN the plan/deal.
Resentment grows.
Is this where you are now?
Resentment. If so, own that. As step 2.
I believe resentment is a message.
That it time to re-assess the plan - which you are. Good.
Your choice to step in, therefore ALSO you choice to CHANGE this & step sideways or step completely out.
You may not know HOW it will change yet, but know you CAN change this.
It still means that your family are selfish, but it also means that you put yourself in this position by choice. If you aren't happy, then make another choice.
There are other options. Take them.
You now have to decide what YOU are going to do next.
seek legal advice to find out options for your relative to be looked after and how the estate can help
you can also enquire about how you get compensated or helped for another word for looking after them
it sounds like you made yourself available to help-made your sacrifices and now - the wheel turns - it’s someone else’s turn
the conditions to cope with sound very stressful and as you say
your situation has changed and you are no longer able to help any further
so it’s not negotiable- sk thing needs to be agreed
dont Go down the guilt trip road
you have done you’re bit
time fir the next person
no one minds that your finances and health are being affected so don’t you worry about the others pulling their weight
your life is as important as theirs
good luck
Meanwhile, make plans to return to living your lives without the care of Gram. Give mom and rest of family notice of when you will be moving out of Gram's home and unable to care for her.