Am I being taken advantage of?

Take Gram to a doctor to get evaluated and treated for her multiple medical and mental health issues. Talk to the doctor about her options for long term care. Let whoever in family can make financial decisions for Gram know about those options.

Meanwhile, make plans to return to living your lives without the care of Gram. Give mom and rest of family notice of when you will be moving out of Gram's home and unable to care for her.

Yes is the answer
seek legal advice to find out options for your relative to be looked after and how the estate can help
you can also enquire about how you get compensated or helped for another word for looking after them

it sounds like you made yourself available to help-made your sacrifices and now - the wheel turns - it’s someone else’s turn

the conditions to cope with sound very stressful and as you say
your situation has changed and you are no longer able to help any further
so it’s not negotiable- sk thing needs to be agreed

dont Go down the guilt trip road
you have done you’re bit
time fir the next person
no one minds that your finances and health are being affected so don’t you worry about the others pulling their weight
your life is as important as theirs

good luck

No, you aren't' being taken advantage of. YOU made some horrible decisions without any apparent research on what it would entail.
You now have to decide what YOU are going to do next.

Well, you are allowing yourself to be taken advantage of. Not quite the same.
It still means that your family are selfish, but it also means that you put yourself in this position by choice. If you aren't happy, then make another choice.
There are other options. Take them.

After swooping in, a caregiver can get stuck. Even the best intentions can turn sour.

The plan (or deal) no longer works well for the people IN the plan/deal.
Resentment grows.

Is this where you are now?
Resentment. If so, own that. As step 2.

I believe resentment is a message.
That it time to re-assess the plan - which you are. Good.

Choices. (I agree with Alva's comments below).

Many posters & many of us who reply have made choices to step in. To help in various ways. Provide housing, help with our own hands or funded home help services.

Many saw a family member in crises. Swooped in help.
Became the Hero.
It felt good at the time.

If this was you, own it.
This is step #1.

Life is short and we only get to do it once. Set strong firm boundaries. It sure sounds like you and your wife got the short end of the stick.
Best of luck
Lucy

Of course you are getting taken advantage of.

Give your family a timeline ( it doesn’t even have to be two weeks) of when you and your wife are leaving and then stick to it.

Go home and heal.

You DO NOT need to discuss this. It’s NOT your problem what they will do. DO NOT rescue them. You have done enough. I absolve you of this burden. It’s time for you to take care of yourself.

YES. She is her children’s responsibility first and foremost. Significant assets = skilled nursing facility, which grandma needs. Give your mother a deadline, tell her you’re moving out and grandma needs to go to a facility. Who is the POA? They are responsible, and I’m assuming it’s not you.

Remember that no one can use you unless you allow them.

Yes, you're being taken advantage of. Notify your aunts and your mother that you've done your part and will no longer continue to be a 24/7 caretaker and that they should get their affairs in order regarding the care of their mother. Don't make this sound like any sort of question or seeking approval, it must be stated with pure finality. First ready your plan, make the necessary arrangements and inform them of your departure date at the same time. This will secure your intentions whilst giving them sufficient notice, which will rid them of any opportunity to blameshift. Make sure to call Adult Protective Services if they choose to neglect any responsibility for your grandmother and they should know this is indeed a valid option if they decide to neglect their mothers needs.

You absolutely are being taken advantage of. I personally would put Grandma's children, including your mother, on notice that you plan to return to your former home or area of residence. Your well-being, your marriage etc. could be at risk because this is a tough job even with family support. It eventually takes it's toll.

Who has POA? They are the ones who are responsible for finding care for your grandmother.

Yes, I think you are being taken advantage of. This won't help with family problems, but if your grandfather was a veteran your grandmother may be eligible for VA Aid and Attendance benefits which would help pay for caregivers (even you if you prefer). Check with your local veterans affairs office and they will do most of the work for you by filing the claim.

At your age, you should consider what everything may be doing to your physical and emotional health as well as your marriage and tell the family this is your justification to not continue as a 24/7 caregiver... In fact, maybe figure the going rate for a 24/7 caregiver and deduct the going rate for the rent and other expenses you are saving and ask for the difference in compensation!

If you are content with the basic living environment (outside of the caregiving) then consider writing a list of your needs, and if they aren't met then suggest you and your wife will be looking to move back to the city.
1. Respite care at least once a week where another family member takes over... perhaps the three children could take turns doing the weekends.
2. Using your grandmother's money to pay for a caregiver XX number of hours a week.
3. Whatever else you feel you need.
4. Remind them of "The family was overjoyed with the news we would be moving in with grandma to help. Everyone in the family all said how much they would help out and give us breaks as needed."

If you consider actually leaving be sure to offer to come back on occasion to help out just like "they" helped you! Time to tell them you need a break now and this may get some action. If you do something like this... put it in writing where you and they all sign whatever is agreed to be pull it out when everyone begins faltering again.

Use your grandparents money to hire help. This is a tough job even if everyone helps a little. My mother stayed at my house for 6 months and though everyone “ helped” it was still my overall responsibity
my mother was partially suffering from dimensia but after a few crazy weeks we hired someone using her money and it made all the difference for the time we spent with her
if you feel you really can’t leave get help do minute to minute obligations are covered by someone else and you could be “helping “ the aide.
if no one wants to use that money, you have no choice but to leave so you can take care of yourself

I believe the question is:
Do YOU believe you are being taken advantage of? and is that the real question? I think the question or comment here is that the burden of care/responsibilities has been placed on you/r wife although you took this on w/o compensation and believing family would be there to 'support you.' (No, didn't happen) so now what?

What I would do in this situation:

* 1st: Acknowledge your feelings . . . Pissed? Angry? Disappointed? (at times while in physical pain yourself) - all of the above?
* 2nd: Know who is 'in charge' re legal matters.

Hold a family meeting:
First: - Discuss w/your wife what you want to do, how you want to continue on, living there, if you want to do that. Be a united front.

1) Tell 'the family' (incl your mother ... who went to a dinner party) that the dynamics of the family 'support' unit need to change and this is 'the why' and 'the how'
2) Let them know the pain you've been in, if they do not know already, which they likely do ... the question that shouldn't need to be asked but is important: Why did you (all) expect me/us to handle everything, esp when I am recovering/in pain and my wife works 50 hours a week? See what they say.
Although you do not want to set up a defensive response, you want them to take responsibility for their actions and understand their reasoning/motives, or frankly lack of caring about you and their commitment to supporting you "helping out."

- In very clear language, tell them how they agreed to 'help out' before you moved in (and uprooted your life) and how things have gone (= no help).
Thus ... things need to change.

This is a contract or should be.
And ask for financial compensation.
- I presume this is your mother's mother. And, she may have legal authority / managing legal matters / financial matters? Flush that out.
- Would I ask for 'back pay' as a THANK YOU for all you/r wife did to this point? Perhaps. If $ isn't so much the issue, the pt will be driven home. Donate the $ to a non-profit if its agreed to provide. Certainly, from this pt forward, get $ compensation.
- If you need to hire a caregiver to support you - to care for grandma, who pays for that? Funds need to be/come available in the immediate future for these needs.
- What if you/r wife want to take time off for 1-2 weeks? Then what? Who makes these arrangements and with who? Family? outside caregivers?

It is always easy(ier) to look in from the outside in terms of what we would do.
I would be disgusted, hurt, angry. I'd leave unless a REALLY equitable situation for you and your wife is made. If the 'rest' of the family is too busy going to dinner parties ... then ensure there is funding available for caregivers ... if you decide to stay.

Living rent free? Frankly, that's BS (altho you agreed to it) not knowing how things would pan out -
Caregiving for a family member is WORK.
Caregiving for a family member is a RESPONSIBILITY.

Do / get what you want or tell them you will make plans to leave.
Give them 1-2 months or whatever is needed to make arrangements.
Perhaps Grandma needs to be moved into a high-end facility where she can get 24/7 care?

I wish you the best in deciding the quality of life you want for you and your wife. Know that if you decide to leave that this IN NO WAY means that you do not love your grandmother. Don't be guilt-tripped into that scenario. You've been a stellar, incredible grandson doing way beyond the call of duty.

Gena / Touch Matters

Yes, you are being taken advantage of.

I'm so sorry that you left your life behind to accept this non-paid position.
I wish you hadn't. But, here you are now.

You say that you believe the grandparents have significant assets. Grandma can afford to hire round-the-clock care. Or whatever care she needs.

It sounds like your mother and aunts wish to save the money as their inheritance.
It is not theirs.

Have a good talk with your grandmother, and your mother. Explain that you can no longer do this. Your health and your family (wife) are just as important, or more important than extended family. Especially a grandparent who can afford to pay for professional care.

Then, leave! Go back to the city you loved. The life you loved. You do not need to feel guilty. This is not your job. You can visit your family and provide help as you wish on your terms. Remember: This was really unfair to your spouse. She has made sacrifices to do this with you. This kind of thing can break marriages.
Don't let that happen.

I hope you have the strength and courage to remove yourself from this nightmare. Yes you are being abused, so get out of there and return to your life. Good luck.

You know exactly what to do. Give the gift of caregiving back to the siblings and move back to your life. It is not your problem. Give them a firm date of your final day and start the process. Do not take on ANY responsibilities. Sounds like the “siblings” inherited the manipulation gene. There is money. They can figure it out.

Yes,Yes,and Yes

Holy cow. People are the worst. And it is your own family dumping on you!! For the love of God run like your a$$ is on fire! And then, even in the midst of injuries, pain and all that entails, you donate a kidney! You don’t owe your grandmother anything. That’s your mother’s job. She should be helping YOU! And seriously they should give you a huge monetary gift for what you’ve done so far. Put the burden down. Live YOUR life!!! Enjoy it with your wife and be at peace. And get a therapist and learn how to set boundaries. This is a family worthy of walking away from. You are not just being taken advantage of, you’re being abused.

Yes you are. You have a huge heart. I know you just want to do the right thing for your Grandma or help your mom. Buy this isn’t what you agreed to. You need to go get your life back. Just tell them all that you are done. Find a new place and give them 30 day notice. During that time you can help your mom find a caregiver or an an assisted living place for Grandma.
One reason that your mom may be against assisted living is because if she does that, and all your grandmothers aaaets are wrapped up in the property, your grandmother could have to sign all her assets over to the state. However if your grandmother has other assets that can pay for her Care Home Stay (as my mother did) then she won’t need Medicaid and will retain her assets in full.
With that said, you need to tell the POA that you can no longer provide care as of a certain date.
You have done a lot for your family by being there as long as you have. It’s time for them to find a permanent solution.
Best of luck to you.

If you want to you can give POA or your mother invoice for your yearly caregiving. Be very specific, find average pay in your state, neighborhood.
It will probably be ignored but it will show them that you value yourself and performed work which should be taken seriously.
And at the same time give them notice. Two weeks would suffice. You cannot go on like this and prolong doing something you should not be doing.
Because the most important part is you take care of yourself, injury, surgeries require you concentrate on your own health.

Welcome to the Forum.
You will here find a great deal of advice and some will be a "fit" while some will be, to you, worthless. Take what you need and kick the rest to the curb. For myself I think that sympathy, much we might have it, doesn't really help people look realistically at their situations, which are almost ALWAYS of their own making.

No, you aren't being taken advantage of.
You are making very poor decisions.
You and your wife are adults. You are responsible for making your decisions for yourself.

It is time to explain to Grandmother's POA. You have asked what to do or what we would do in your situation:
So the letter goes:
Dear Cousin Bertie:
As POA for Grandmother I must let you know that we are leaving our caregiving position on __________(date. Make it at LEAST two months in future).
This will give you time to choose placement for grandmother or get in the help you choose for her continued care.
We recognize that it is our own fault that we didn't understand what was involved in caregiving, nor even know that we should have had a care contract to provide our services to grandmother. THAT is on US.
We wish you all good luck in future.
We will be moving on ________/ if by then you have not provided us with the names of qualified caretakers to replace us we will report grandmother for followup by APS.

You are not martyrs to fate. If you believe you are, I would ask that you consider how martyrs end. Generally filled with arrows or thrown on a funeral pyre to burn. Not a great job description.

Remember, you are an adult. Your choices in life are your own. WE ALL MAKE POOR CHOICES. They are often the best and surest way to learn. There is no shame in that. I truly wish you great good luck as you venture back out into your own lives.

Good advise here. I’m just dropping one more “YES, you are being taken advantage of.” Time to walk away. Tell the family and if no one moves in the day you leave, notify APS.

ENJOY THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

This lot will probably blame you for “breaking” grandma on your watch and that you didn’t keep the house up.

Hopefully you saved a pile of money in the one year on rent and utilities, learned what not to do when your mom shows signs of needing care and learned whether or not you like living in that part of the country.

Learning what not to do when mom needs care might be the greatest benefit of all.

Either way, count your blessings. Your caregiving is almost done and you and your wife can plan for your futures.

Wishing you a complete recovery.


Do look up tenant law for the county, state you are in.

Yes , you are being taken advantage of .
Find an apartment in town and resume your previous life .

When you have found an apartment , You tell your mother and her siblings that you are done caregiving when you move out . Hopefully you can move out very soon. Tell them it’s gotten to be too much . They can sell grandmas land and place her in a facility since they don’t want take care of her. You are not stuck there . Grandma has assets to pay for care .

You should have been getting paid. They were counting on you staying while they reap all the benefits in the end with inheritance.

It is up to your mother and her inheriting siblings to sleep and care for grandma if they want her land, or to use her money from the land to fund an al or mc and then split the leftovers as directed in the will.

Hindsight is 20/20 as they say. Never agree to any caregiving arrangement unless there's legal paperwork in place stating what your pay and hours will be.

Anyway, it's time to move on. Tell your mother and her siblings that the free homecare gravy train you and your wife were providing for grandma has now come to a stop.

Find an apartment and tell the family what day you will be moving out. Then move and let that be the end of it. If they don't make another arrangement for grandma, abandon her and the state will take over.

Great advice, in the previous answers. Give a deadline, then GO.

This forum saved my SANITY, and I am not kidding.

It taught me that I was allowed to CHANGE MY MIND and make other arrangements for my mother.

I would leave - Today! If not, then I would ask that the Assets, land, etc. be trusted to me immediately for saving their asses! (sorry to put it that way) But, that's exactly what you and your wife have done. Despite extreme personal circumstances, you've stayed and did what needed to be done. Where have they been! Dinner parties???

If You Mom and her siblings don't agree that you should get the lot trusted to you then - See ya bye - would be my next statement - and mean it! Pack up and leave! You are by no means obligated to care for grandma - She has assets and can be placed in a nice nursing home or they can hire someone full-time to care for her. That's what Her assets should be paying for. But since you're there - it makes sense to me that you would be solely named in the trust. At least that's what I would do if you were my son. I'm 68yrs old caring for my Dad who is 96yrs old with severe Lewy Body Dementia - Trust me - I know how hard this is and exactly what you and your wife are facing.

The best thing for you both is to get out - go get your life back ASAP!!! Assets, money, all that means nothing if you're miserable and life sucks! Go be happy! My Best Wishes to you and your wife!