Hello,
I am new to the forum and looking for opinions on my current situation. Over 1 year ago my grandfather died leaving behind my grandmother who has stage 5 Alzheimer’s disease and their elderly dog. They have significant assets and a rural home with land. They have 3 children, all women including my mom who still works.
after Grandads death my wife and I (childless and in our late 30s) received a phone call from my mother in tears crying that she needed me to move in with grandma because “ I can’t do it I need to work etc.
at the time my wife and I lived in a town 2 hours away. My wife has a great corporate job (fully remote) and I have been recovering from a major accident that’s required multiple surgeries (I’m out on disability) we had a lovely apartment in town with a robust social life and lots of community connections. Our lease was up so we agreed to make the move and do our part to help out. The family was overjoyed with the news we would be moving in with grandma to help. Everyone in the family all said how much they would help out and give us breaks as needed.
Awesome, right? Yeah not at all.
its been 1 year and I have provided around the clock supervision/care while my wife works 50 hour weeks in the home office. I get around on crutches and have constant pain and suffering of my own. In the past year I have had 2 major surgeries one of which was donating a kidney to my dying best friend (he is doing incredible)
I was hospitalized for 3 days after and required at home care from my wife when I got home. Grandma stayed with mom. The 3 days I was hospitalized. When I got back to grandmas house from the hospital mom was waiting in the house, having just gotten there with grandma. She immediately left and said she had to get to a dinner party. WTF? I just had major surgery and now I have to be full time caregiver as soon as I’m home? I was in extreme pain and needed help just to use the toilet. I somehow managed to take care of grandma while in extreme pain myself (wife absolutely had to work, so she helped as much as she could.
my family has been completely useless with helping out. They do almost nothing to help us and have essentially put us in a position where we provide 24/7 care for their demented mother. Grandma also has Bipolar disorder and was a wretched person and a horrible abusive mother. She is extremely difficult to deal with and honestly I have grown to not enjoy being around her because she is so difficult.
here is the kicker. We don’t get paid anything for all our help. Not a single penny for 24/7 care of a difficult elderly woman with advanced Alzheimer’s disease. Years ago my grandfather told everyone that he had written all the grandchildren out of the will because he wanted his kids to get everything. None of us cared because we all have our own money and success and our grandfather was kind of a bully and used manipulation tactics often.
now here we are providing 24/7 care to an abuser for free (mom and her siblings justify it in their opinions because we live rent free, LOL, the house is a run down old dump that I have always hated, it will be torn down when they sell it, the land however is gorgeous and worth a small fortune)
my question for all of you is this:
are we being taken advantage of (I think so)
what would you guys do in this situation?
thanks!
Give the family 2 weeks notice to place Grandma, or hire 24/7 caregivers.
Don't waste the prime of your lives in caregiver slavery.
I'd move back to my old town too. Lesson learned.
Family asked me to help aunt. I live out of state. No kids/Family. I did what I could, but they kind of expected me to move in with aunt and take care of her.
Mind you, the money I was spending to clean the house (incontinence) and feed her and run her to appointments, while they (family who live closer)did nothing. I mean nothing.
After I had taken my aunt to an appointment, she had a follow up appointment she needed to go to later that week. Well, I had to get back to my home and work, so I told my cousin that she had this appointment. My cousin says she has to work and can I stay longer to take aunt. I flat out refused and went home.
The more we do, the more people will attempt to get over. Mind you, I wasn't getting paid anything, either, and like you, I didn't enjoy being around my aunt with the yelling and being unable to calm her down for HOURS. YES. I SAID HOURS.
If you can, I suggest leaving and getting your life back.
I asked this very same question on this forum last year. I know what you're going through.
Also, aunt refuses to speak to me and says she's written me out of her will. I honestly do not care, so long as I have my freedom and health.
Shame on your selfish mother for going to a dinner party and expecting you to resume your indentured servitude to your grandmother as soon as you got back home from the hospital. It does seem to be a theme for you to give and give to others while setting yourself on fire in the process.
You should be getting paid via a contract to take care of grandma, this means you work 8 hours a day 5 days a week with 2 days off and her adult children need to hire 2 more caregivers to cover the other 8 hour shifts. This is if you want to stay in your self imposed slavery and ruin what is left of your health by doing the job of 3 people for free.
Better yet is for you to give your emancipation papers to your mother and the rest of the sorry lot of adults who thought this was a good idea and set a date when you will be moving out and they will need to find caregivers to take care of their mother or place her in a facility. This is 100% what you should do. And please only give them 30 days notice - no longer than that because they will come up with every excuse in the book to get you to continue this insanity. They don't care about you or your health and well being.
You say Grandma was an awful person. You say she has financial means. You say you have financial means. You say you are mostly burned out or tired of working for her for free. Totally reasonable.
Is anyone her PoA? This would be an important piece of info to know. Whoever is her PoA needs to activate the authority per the PoA document (based upon Grandma having later-stage ALZ). Then this is the person making the caregiving decision and you can exit no matter if it disappoints them or not.
If no one is her PoA then you (or someone else) can consider pursuing legal guardianship for her, and then you can manage her affairs, transition her into a facility for proper care, etc.
Or, inform your Mom and Aunts that you and wife are 100% done with the caregiving because you don't want to do it anymore. The move-out date is XX and no further discussion or negotiation. You will involve APS since your Mom is not really the solution, either. APS may result in Grandma getting a court-appointed legal guardian, so no more family involvement and Grandma gets the appropriate care she needs. You just have to be able to accept this type of solution.
I wish you clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you back out of this arrangement.
Give mom your 2 weeks notice and get back to your own lives, you deserve to.
Grandma needs to be in Memory Care Assisted Living and everyone knows that. But her children, to save their "inheritance", figured they'd snooker you into doing the awful job for free and then tell you how Lucky you are for getting free rent in a dump. The going rate for caregivers is $30 per hour.
Bravo to you for donating your kidney to your best friend! You did an amazing thing and I hope you're paid back in many blessings moving forward.
Best of luck to you.
Maybe you want validation that you are.
First I am surprised if you are on disability that they would allow you to donate a kidney and that you would considering the trauma you have been through but that is not what your post is about....
1. You and your wife should be getting paid to care for grandma.
2. If you are done caring for grandma let the rest of the family know that other arrangements have to be made and that you are going to move on.....and give them a date.
several things could happen.
1. Grandma's house and land can be sold to provide her with care in a MC facility.
2.Caregivers can be hired to come in and care for grandma if the land is sold and she retains the house.
3.Some other family member can come in and do what you have been doing.
Do not assume for 1 minute that you will get any inheritance. If family has not stepped up to help you at this juncture I think they have all mentally spent their inheritance and are just waiting ...
You and your wife need to do what you need to do to further your life and make the best for yourselves.