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I (30F) have been with my boyfriend (33M) for 7 years. We live together and in the same city as his parents who he has always been close with. His mom has Lewy Body dementia. His dad was the primary caregiver up until recently and they moved her into a memory care facility about a month ago. He has been (understandably) very upset by all of this and (he acknowledges) he copes with this by shutting down emotionally, not communicating, and drinking excessively. On top of that we are both looking for work right now- he was laid off 3 months ago and I am cobbling together gig jobs while applying for full time work after leaving my full time job. While stressed about finances I am managing to pay the bills and am working as hard as I can and am hopeful about the direction of my career.
He has only applied to 3 jobs and is angry when he doesn't hear back from them. He visits his mom about 4 times per week and is in near constant communication with his dad about her (who visits her about twice daily). We go on walks together and see friends but he largely spends his time gaming and watching tv. I want so badly to help him because I know he is struggling emotionally but I feel guilty because I feel like I'm not a priority and that our life as our own family (he has talked about marriage) is on an indefinite pause. I have brought up feeling unsupported but his response is always that his mom is dying (even though he says she might wind up living for years like this and there's no way of knowing) so he needs to prioritize his proximity (physically and I guess emotionally) to his parents. He doesn't ask me how I'm doing or how my job search is going, I do most of the cleaning, and he's at least 4+ beers deep and high every night. He has a wealthy family and a trust fund (polar opposite my situation) and readily accepts money from his parents. We don't share finances but he has talked about buying a house (we live in an area with a very high cost of living) and he knows that I want to travel eventually but he doesn't want to travel because of his mom. I am tired of the (unsafe and expensive) city we live in and if it wasn't for him I would have moved by now. He knows this and is open to moving but won't until both his parents die.
Recently his distant uncle died (they were not close) and he decided to go to the funeral across the country to 'represent the family' because his dad did not want to leave his mom for the weekend (even though she is in a facility). I fully support him going but started feeling sad because he has a very large extended family and I started thinking about how it seems like he will drop everything and do anything for them. He spends holidays with them and I am always invited but I'm starting to feel like a secondary attachment to his life and family. I brought up that I was a little upset that he booked tickets across the country to the funeral without telling me when he was planning on going and coming back or bringing it up with me. I would never stop him from going to a family funeral but it got me in a whole spiral...he was appalled when I brought it up and made me feel demonic because 'his mom is dying' and that he's being stretched thin emotionally. If his mom was in an extremely acute state I would understand him not applying for jobs/being emotionally distant but he has admitted he doesn't know how long this will go on for and that it could be years. I want to work and plan to have a life together- deciding how to spend holidays mutually, how we can live in an area we both enjoy, etc. which entails a lot of 'big conversations' including him drinking less for his health....part of me feels like a monster who is asking for too much given his mom, but part of me feels like it's not a huge ask for my boyfriend of 7 years to check in with me about how my day is going. I feel like a ghost.
Am I selfish and wanting too much? How can I approach these conversations going forward without hurting him more?

My daughter was 29 when she broke up with the man-child she was with for 7 years. They owned a townhome together, he had a great job, but he was emotionally unavailable and preferred video games to communication with her. Best thing she ever did, even though it was complicated and messy.

She's getting married on Nov 4th to her soulmate and is very, very happy.

Never settle for Mr Wrong even if the breakup is messy and ugly. Because you deserve much more.

Good luck to you.
Helpful Answer (20)
Reply to lealonnie1
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Your boyfriend is NOT "caregiving". His mom is in a facility and he is not a caregiver.
Your boyfriend is or may be:
depressed
immature
avoiding responsibility
he is a "user" in many aspects. He is using you, he is using his parents.

I think he needs a "wake up call"
If you are both on the lease for the place where you are living when the lease is up MOVE to where you want to move. If your name is NOT on the lease then move when and where you want.
I would not worry about "hurting him more' with a honest discussion about what you want in your life, what your goals are and how you want to be treated. He needs to hear this. If he just doesn't get it or gets it but does not care then you are better off without him. (sorry I know 7 years is a long time but better to walk now than put in another 7, 10 years while he waits for his mother then his father and who knows how many siblings, aunts and uncles to die before he commits to you)

And no you are not selfish and what you are asking him to do is not "too much"
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Reply to Grandma1954
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Geaton777 Aug 26, 2024
Good point that he is doing 0 actual "caregiving"!
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Most of our regular posters are 60 and above. I am sure we have all been in love and thought "this is the one" and he wasn't. You have been with this man for 7 years with no commitment. Thats OK when two people are on the same page. Its not when one person is starting to question the relationship. My husband of 43 years is quiet me not so much. Neither is perfect and we except that. But basically, we think the same about how to raise our kids, our finances and we do for each other. We are there for each other.

You are starting to question and there is a reason for that. Believe me, you do not want a relationship with a drunk. And anything he says to you when he is drunk is probably how he feels. You are seeing your future and it does not look that good. Time to get money saved and move away. You are young. Don't let this boy bring you down. You should be his everything. No matter how rotten his day is, you should be the person he comes home to and gives a hug. You should be the one he confides to, not a bottle of beer. He needs to grow up before he has any relationships. He should not get married.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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He has a lot of problems. He is an alcoholic. And he needs more help than you can give him. He has to figure this out.

You are young, you should move on.
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Reply to Hothouseflower
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He is not caring for his mother, he is waiting for his parents to go to the Happy Hunting ground,

I would never:

Buy a house with him, no way. Stay with him, no way. Pay his bills, no way.

I would:

Find a job. Save money. Move out. Read Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie.

IMO it is time to move on, find a new BF.

Good Luck!
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KNance72 Aug 26, 2024
Right On meDolly
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Honestly, I see this as having very little to do with boyfriend’s mother. He’s unmotivated, has a big time drinking problem, and is content to let you do all the work. Why would any self respecting woman stick around for that? His mother is just an excuse, and there will be another excuse, and another. Expect more and better for yourself. It’s very understandable not to want to bail after investing so many years in this relationship, but truly, you’re the only one in it. I’m sorry, but do hope you’ll move on from this mess and build a life with someone better. Being on your own would be far easier and better than this
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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"How can I approach these conversations going forward without hurting him more?"

It's like when a parent has to tell their child they can't eat candy all day anymore because their teeth are rotting. Of course he won't like this conversation and expectation -- he will be angry and pouty and resistant because it means he will have to take action, be responsible for himself and care about another person as much as himself.

Do not feel guilty for expecting him to be an adult. Has he given you push-back in the past? Said things to you to make you feel guilty for trying to talk about it? Is this why you would feel "like a monster" for asking him to grow up?

You want him to "drink less for his health..." His health?? Not so that he can be a functioning romantic life partner and future responsible husband/father? I think you are a Rescuer and he is your project.

FYI relationships are the most difficult things you'll ever do in life. You need to have your own head on straight and have clear "vision" so that you don't waste your time with the wrong person since life is actually short. I wish you clarity and wisdom.
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Reply to Geaton777
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I'm going to speak plainly to you. So please forgive me in advance if my language is not gentle.

Kick him to the curb because he's an alcoholic freeloader. If you keep him around and marry you will have a lifetime of alcoholic drama (he's still young and it will get worse with time), you will be supporting him and the household on your own. Now factor in having a couple kids. Your life will be hard, poor, and miserable.

You're 30 years old. The 'gig' work life is okay when a person is young, but it isn't an adult life. It becomes a ridiculous embarrassment when you're living it 40 or 50 or older. Get your career together and find yourself a man who's motivated in his own career and looking for a person to settle down with and make an adult life with. That guy isn't your current boyfriend.

Your current boyfriend books tickets across country without telling you. Did you pay for them? You're "invited" to spend holidays with his family. What if you told him to come to your family for a holiday? I'm pretty sure he'd have a tantrum and refuse.

You're not being selfish. Wanting an adult relationship and an adult life at 30 years old is normal. You will not get this with your current boyfriend.

Stop enabling him to behave like a child with no responsibilities. Break it off with him and concentrate on your own career and life. Date other people. See what's out there, and honey there's A LOT out there at your age.

No one's saying close the door on him completely. It's always good to have a few irons in the fire. Stay in touch. If he grows up who knows? Maybe there's a furture. Don't bank on it though and keep your options open at your age.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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AlvaDeer Aug 26, 2024
In my experience those attending Al-Anon meetings are the best at giving first hand accounts of where all this leads, Burnt. I hope our OP will attend a few meetings.
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Marriage will not solve your problems, or make things better. He is using his parents' situation as an excuse to drink, and that is impeding his job search.

Yes, his mom is going to die. But, EVERYONE'S mom is going to die.

So, if he is treating you poorly, and excessively drinking now, just think of how bad things would be if you were married.
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Reply to NinjaWarrior3
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MiaMoor Sep 1, 2024
Yep! We're ALL going to die!
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Any excuse will do, when you are looking for one.

Do you really want to procreate with a male like this?

Do you really want to be the bread winner for the household?

Do you really want to be a persona non grata in your relationship?

He has shown you who and what he is, BELIEVE HIM.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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