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If a family member comes by once a month, they think they are exerting maximum effort. I have been the sole 24/7 caretaker of mom for 25 years. There were 8 kids, I am the big sister. The only other sibling that helps is my youngest sister. I am nearly old enough to be her mom. Another sister, who lives just far enough away to be excused from duty, always tells me that I better get a life of my own, but of course never tells me how to do that when no one will hire or marry me at my age (75).

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Most people do the amount they wish to...

How do YOU feel about your current level of caregiving?

Is a gap appearing/widening between what you can do & what Mother needs? (Being honest & realistic if/when that happens is beneficial).

Regarding any lectures - these could stem from many many reasons. From the selfish, the bossy, the do-gooders to the concerned!

Eg Others are very happy you are providing the care & wish you to do even more (so they can slink back more).

Or, others may be concerned about you. Wish you would take more life for yourself?

The risks of giving advice to a caregiver.. they may take offence. I might be labelled the 'lecturer' I suppose! They are working so hard.. no time to look up & see the bigger picture. May think I am critisising, when my intention is to lighten their load 🤔
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Don’t assume that no one will marry you at your age. I know several who have married at age 70+. One of them took off on an RV tour of the US the day after the wedding. The problem for you is that caring for a mom for 25 years is not interesting to the guy who wants to date you. He wants to talk about running off in his RV so he can drive and you can look after his 3 dogs, cook and do laundry. You (maybe) can only talk about bedside commodes and doctor appointments. Yeah, you should get a life of your own, and it’s never too late. Mom doesn’t have to be your sole responsibility, but you’ve allowed that to happen. You could get out of it and I hope you do. Either that or find a guy with a larger RV and take mom along.
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Fawnby: "The problem for you is that caring for a mom for 25 years is not interesting to the guy who wants to date you. He wants to talk about running off in his RV so he can drive and you can look after his 3 dogs, cook and do laundry. "

The 25-year caregiving stint might be interesting, because you will be assumed to jump right into caregiving for him when it becomes necessary.
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I skimmed your past posts. First of all, you have been your mother's primary caregiver for 25 years. Why would your uninvolved sibs want anything to change now? They have continued to build their lives and careers, while you apparently have no life outside of caregiving and no assets. What is your financial future?

And this: "She is planning to split the sale of the house between 8 siblings, whether they need it or not. I cannot say anything. I have always been the "other woman" and I am afraid that she will cut me out just to prove her power."

Don't you realize that YOU have had the power all along? She should have been paying you for taking care of her (and no, room and board doesn't count). You know you will be homeless once she dies and the house gets sold. If this was unacceptable to you, why on earth did you stay to give your sibs the money that would have been spent on your mother's care?

"My wealthy aunt died in 3 months after being put in an expensive facility. I don't trust those places at all."

So did you decide that your mother would never go to a facility? Did your sibs perhaps not have a problem with a facility for her, but you did, so that is why your insistence on being her fulltime caregiver? And why they refuse to help?
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ChirsM Nov 2022
You made such good observations about this stressful situation. A little feedback from me: at 82 i was able to care for my husband who had Alzheimer’s for about 10 yrs. In the last 2 yrs of his life we had a health aide who helped with shaving, shopping & cleaning. That gave me time to go to dentist, doctor, shopping. Worked out well. Cooperation among the family is crucial: we moved so we could be closer to daughter; everyone else helped with money. I never felt I couldn’t do it. A lot rests on how people think of their role in the world: people who don’t help probably feel they don’t have a place in the world; it’s their loss. We have a couple of people in the family like this. I ignore them.
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People who do nothing, have the luxury of no track record whatsoever. So, when they *imagine*, how 'they, would have done it', they can assume that they would have got 'straight A's' (to use a school analogy), wheras you, DO have a track record, and it isn't perfect, because it's impossible to assume all this responsibility and never make a mistake. It's impossible to improve, without ever looking back, and saying 'I wish I'd thought of that sooner'. But those who've never done it at all, can look at every improvement you've made and say 'I would have done that, from the start. That's what we get, for doing their share.
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someguyinca Nov 2022
Just wanted to say, "fantastic answer".
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I‘ve seen similar situation. Helping weaker people always involves some level of real sacrifice of self. Caregiver work could be more difficult to satisfy the receiver because it's measured by receiver's most private and personal needs and preferences, especially when the person you cared for always gets older and weaker, regardless how much effort one puts in and what others think of how to do it. Your mother is 101y under your care for 25y already says everything to me: you're incredible. Big hug.
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chestershaba Nov 2022
That is absolutely no answer. This is sposed to be helpful? Aging care needs revamp or I'm canceling my subscription.
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First, I would contact AARP if I'm allowed to mention organizations. You are a senior yourself. Contact the Department of Aging in your state. AARP has job boards and training for seniors wishing to return to the workforce. Also, your city will have employment offices that can provide job training. I know in my city, they have a program for seniors who have been out of the workforce for years who want to return to work or who never worked. Start working on some form of independence for yourself. I know of one person who returned to work at the age of seventy-five. When she retired, she did not have enough pension and social security to live on which is true for most of us. I'm having to piece meal jobs until I reach full retirement age. It is a nuisance and I worry about my savings running out before I land another job. Home nursing gigs are not working out for me. I get a case here and there. Only I can change this. I fell into a mode of wanting to look for jobs when I dealt with a forced retirement or fall into this system of giving up and becoming an old woman the way society has set it up for us. At sixty-five according to some folks, we should be in retirement villages sitting in rocking chairs playing cards.

Your siblings remind me of my older sister. I was caretaking a disabled sibling after our mother passed, and my older sister tried to make it seem like I wasn't cooking when my younger sister had a home health aide that did the meal preps for my sister while I was at work. That one meal she fixed was to make up for all the years she didn't do a thing; and of course, she expected a gold star from my dad. It was like; look what I did daddy, I fixed a meal. Then to top it off, she started filing false reports with Adult Protective Services saying that she was my younger sister. APS called and I told them; nice. My disabled sister couldn't talk and she was downstairs with the nurse. These false calls went on for the time I was in that house until I landed a full time job, started the process to have my sister placed and moved out two weeks before placement. My dad had to bring his posterior home for those two weeks and deal with my sister. He got mad because I moved out, and he had to assume responsibility for his mess he created with the home. He had to learn how to become a responsible adult and to stop running out on people.

I wouldn't pay attention to their non involvement. I had the same thing with self-sacrificing. By God's grace, I landed a full time job and I had one of the most patient and intelligent supervisor. I had access to free counseling through my EAP. I took those counseling sessions for years. I read self-help books. I attended support groups. I had stored anger that sabotaged my career success, but for me, my supervisor was there to mentor me through my weakness points. We worked together for twenty-five years.

Family members have a way of paralyzing you with their nasty words and constant criticism. Please do not buy into their negativity. It's their guilt talking and they are trying to pass it off on you.
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BeenThroughThis Nov 2022
@Scampie1, I liked your answer, your recommendations, and I admire you for overcoming so many obstacles and still keeping a bright outlook. I wish for you all good things in future!
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God Bless your mother's longevity. What type of health are you and your mother in?
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Good Morning,

Have they walked in your shoes? Who are they to judge you? Next time sister tells you to get a life, ask her which days' she would like to cover for you?

Monday, Wednesday & Friday (every other weekend off)
or
Tuesday, Thursday and all the Holidays

It's never too late...people today get married at any age. Also, there are a lot of jobs that "prefer" mature workers because they show up, are on time and dress well and have good social skills. Don't ever underestimate having "wisdom".

I have earned these wrinkles and plan on being an "Elder of Excellence".

Perhaps, you could join the Y swim class, buy a new pair of sneakers, a bright lipstick and when Stella gets her groove back they'll probably say "she so self-consumed". Either way you're not going to win.

Every family is the same...a sense of humor gets you through it!

You sound like a great person who is responsible and Honors thy Mother and Father. I, too, am the eldest girl of large Irish-Catholic family. We all assume roles in the family and you can carve out this little piece of the pie for yourself but with the Pandemic, the flu season, the economy, there is so much unrest that you really to seek out a "happy place" and focus on the issue at hand which sounds like you are handling this perfectly.

When everything is said and done, perhaps you can take your dream trip. I am saving my pennies...you want to remain still standing when the dust settles.

I'm praying for your sister...Amen!
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Your post enrages me!!

You and your one sister have been taking care of your mom for years! Out of 8 kids. Yes, I’m sure they do have excuses like too busy, too poor, too far away, too inconvenient, too much going on in their own lives. Yes. You had many of the same excuses, yet you did what you needed.

Tune them out or tell them its their turn. Then mean what you say and follow thru. Please don’t let others make you feel guilty. You have dedicated a chunk of your life to taking care of mom. What have they done?
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marte48, back when I first came on this forum, I learned from others that seniors should NOT be taking care of older seniors, my parents were in their late 80's, so I still had a chance to make changes. If they were much older, I probably wouldn't have been able to.

In your case, your Mom is 101 years old. Quitting on her now would be fruitless by placing Mom in a senior facility. If at possible, if you and your sister can, keep taking care of your Mom. You don't mention if you are burnt out.

It doesn't matter now if you are 75, 76, or 77. You still have a chance of meeting someone. After my boss's wife had passed, he started dating, he was in his 80's. Join local clubs that are of interest. You never know who you will meet :)
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CaregiverL Nov 2022
I wouldn’t call placing her 101 year old mother quitting on her. She still be her advocate & 75 years old daughter can visit every day.
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When your sister suggested you get a life if your own, did you ask her, "what days will you be here to care for Mom while I get a life"? As my daughter says, throw it back at them. To have your own life your siblings need to help with solutions.

I too get the impression that you did not want to place Mom. To be honest, I am surprised Mom is still here with suffering from Parkinson's. I would think her care now is too much for you at 75.

I really don't know what to say. I am 73 the Oldest of 4 children and a girl. I did try to caregive at 65 and found I wasn't a caregiver so Mom got placed in a nice AL where she did well.
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Consider what you will do when your mom passes away. You will need friends, your own work/money, and your own hobbies. Start finding ways to have at least a few hours per day of "me time" and longer chunks of time weekly. Ask for help with your mom. Start by asking family, friends, members of your faith community to volunteer to care for your mom during your "me time". If need be, hire sitters or home health care aides to cover those "bigger chunks of me time" (usually 4-6 hours). Since you have many siblings, ask those too far away to be hands-on to fund the sitter/home health care aide.
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You are 75?????
You probably need a caregiver for yourself! You are too old to be doing this.

The next time a sibling criticizes, you need to have your mother dropped off at their house, so that you can "get a life of your own."
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ConnieCaretaker Nov 2022
Ditto!
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You are doing too much. It would be good to hire some helo, even if for a couple hours a week, to start. To get your Mom used to it. I don't think you need a relationship or job, unless you want to ( and yes at 75 you can do both), but you need some care yourself, a reprieve.
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Op is correct that marriage and job prospects are limited at 75. She needs to act now to stave off having to live in a homeless shelter after mom dies.

Op, get on one of those low income housing lists as soon as possible.
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CaregiverL Nov 2022
Since Marte been her caregiver for so many years, house is exempt from Medicaid..so she can continue living in house 🏡
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I had a thought about this and my personal issues. I got myself into a giant mess that's affected my health and probably wrecked my career, at least at my current job.

I was just thinking how much better off I'd have been if I had said, "this is bulls**t, not gonna do it, I quit", right in the middle of the project. Regardless of how it went down, I'd have been gone, in a new job by now, and in a better place.

Instead, I hung on, hoping for reason, hoping for something, and it was never gonna come. Drawing a line would have been so, so, so, much better. Now, I'm going to have to do that anyway, but with almost no leverage.
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I’m 12 years younger, my mother is 95 & only one who helps is private pay caregiver..35 hours a week. Mom don’t walk, incontinent & at times agitated 😡. I’m exhausted & I’m younger than you. You need a break. The reason your mother lives so long is your good care. I hope you take time to care for yourself. What do you do when you have to leave house for dr appointment for yourself? Hugs 🤗
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I think you (like most of us) are doing too much! I know how you feel. It's always the ones who do NOTHING to help that have so much to say about the sole caregiver. No matter what we do it'll never be good enough.

I am the youngest of 3, unmarried, have my own health issues and feel like I'm going to go bankrupt caring for my mom (with dementia) in my home. They are heartless and ignorant enough to assume there's some financial gain in this for me, not that I'm cutting years off my life to care for my mom. I suggest that you continue to do the best you can and try to find what brings you joy.
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Can you get some help in the house ASAP? Does mom have any money? If so, use it to hire a house cleaner or an aid to stay with mom so you can start building your new life. Join a gym. Or a book club. Or a hiking club. Something that you find interesting and that will give you socialization. I would not set my sights on getting married. Just do things you like and who knows what will happen? You might want some time to yourself after all these years with mom!

I would start looking at nursing homes since it's likely she could need one at some point.
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marte48: That seems a bit rich that out of eight adult children, YOU (along with help from your youngest sister) are the individual left holding the reins. You CAN have a life at seventy five years of age.
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We teach people how to treat us.
its up to you to change the dynamic.
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I too am the sole caregiver for my husband who has dementia, he is able to do his ADL’s doesn’t shower but once a week. I am much younger hold down a full time demanding nursing job due to
my husband’s financial decisions prior to his dementia. I have a stepson and our son together, the stepson is always telling me what to do yet sees his father maybe once a week, tells me to
look for another job. The younger one helps more but has 2 small children to
tale care of and they both work full time. We have to sell our house due to the stairs and affordability. I just hired a companion to stay with husband 4-5 hours when I am working. I take him to all his appointments and have to call out when he is sick. I do have intermittent FMLA so that guarantees my job . I am tired of people telling me what to do and offering no help.
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