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Hello everyone, I'm back with another exasperating situation and the question of am I the one in the wrong here? It sure feels like it!
So my 80 yr old father is paying for the caretakers. He recently has come to the conclusion that the caretakers are only there to drive him around since he doesn't have a license anymore (but is currently doing everything he can to get it back) and while yes, that plays a big role in the caretakers daily shift, that is not the only reason they’re there. Even though he has been told that, he lets it go in one ear and out the other.
Anyhow, the contract he signed with them is that he commits to having them there for 31 hours a week. He's been letting the lady go early an hour here, 2 hours there and today, she was only on shift for 2 hours when he told her to leave. He shorted her by 3 hours.
In my opinion, he's clearly in violation of the contract and I am just waiting in fear for the manager/owner of the company to take issue with this. I am afraid they will cut service to us, and righteously so, but that's going to leave us in a very bad position because ever since these people came into our lives, it has given my sister and I the opportunity to breathe a little, to be able to make our own doctor's appointments and have time to ourselves w/o having to worry about him panicking & yelling & screaming our name constantly. However, It's now getting to the point where if he knows we are there on the property, he will send the caretaker home early, and then immediately be calling my sister & I on the phone and or standing out in the yard screaming our names at the top of his lungs (We are on a small 8 acre farm, not in the city) he will even send my mother who has dementia across the property to the detached building that I'm sometimes in to come get me & no sooner than she’s halfway across the yard & out of his sight, he starts yelling & screaming for her & she gets all shaky & agitated & upset when he does that to her 😢 I'm tired of seeing him treat her this way, so today I had a verbal blow up & screamed at him from across the yard telling him he needs to back off & leave her alone because she cannot walk fast first of all, second of all she has a blister on one of her feet & third of all he keeps agitating her & getting her upset and I'm tired of seeing him treat her like that!
I don't know what he was out there yelling & screaming for & I don't care at this point. It’s never something important, he just says well what are you guys out there doing? How come nobody's in the house with me? 😖 Really? BECAUSE WERE BUSY!
Today the care worker was supposed to be there for another 3 hours & he sent her home early & just figured that he can yell & scream for us to take care of whatever it is that he wants or needs.
Am I in the wrong here for expecting to have a certain amount of hours every week so that I can say my prayers, go shopping, take care of my own doctor's appointments, and make repairs IN PEACE etc.?
Is there a way to make this man understand that hey, I'm not coming at your every beck and call because there should have been a care worker here for the next 3 hours to help you but YOU sent her home early!!!
Ugh!!
It's very difficult to keep up on all the work that needs to be done on this property while simultaneously dealing with the phone calls and the yelling and screaming in the yard. We need this time to ourselves to manage things. Just the other day we had to dig a hole 3 ft deep and 2 ft wide and repair the main water line. A section was rotted as it had been there since the '60s so had to be cut off and capped. My sister and I did this ourselves to save the thousands of dollars it would have cost to have a plumbing company do it. Instead, it cost me $53 for the PVC parts. This is the kind of stuff we need to do but we can't when he's out there yelling and screaming. It’s traumatizing to hear him scream like that😓
Any suggestions?


Thanks IA!

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I hear you and agree that this is a very frustrating situation. But I don't think you'll be able to change him. You may be right, but you are dealing with a person who has his own ideas and peceptions. Would he understand if you tell him (again) that you are paying for a certain number of hours whether the caregivers are there or not, so that it's better to find work for them for the whole time they are there? Can you ask the caregivers to stay with your mother and do things for her, if he doesn't want them to be with him? Or does he insist that they leave the property? Often they will do light housekeeping if there's nothing else to do. It sounds like your father is not thinking logically and is not thinking of anyone else's needs. This is typical as people get older. They tend to focus only on their own needs. He's probably also frustrated that he can't do things he used to do. He also may be getting early dementia. I'm also concerned about your mother and wondering if she is getting the care she needs. She needs a bandaid on that blister, and is she wearing proper socks and shoes? Can you still talk with her about what she wants? She may want to be on the farm with him. It sounds like some of the choices you (and your father) are making are because you want to keep the farm. Screaming at each other is not going to help anything. And him screaming at your mother is not helping either. If it's not an emergency, try to just continue what you are doing when he's screaming, although I can see that you are also concerned about protecting your mother. Get connected with a local social worker to find out if your parents are getting all of the assistance they are entitled to from Medicare/Medicaid and your state's programs for seniors. You also may be entitled to some "salary" as a family caregiver. All the best to all of you.
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Family counseling can be a great help. Unbiased counciling can help get everyone on the same page. Dad probably feels like a patriarch that is losing his place in the family. He may feel like he has gone from being a fierce lion who provides for and protects the pride to an old toothless lion that has to somehow prove to the pride that he is still the head of the pride. He may feel that everyone has dismissed his leadership and he just wants his power back. His tactics may be a cry that is saying, "I am still here, don't let me slowly die alone, I need my family!" He probably doesn't want to be placed in hands of a stranger he wants to know that his family still loves him and wants to care for him. He needs to be sure that family will always be there for him. Maybe promise that each one will be there for a couple of hours a day apiece... Or something scheduled. He needs to know that he is loved and valued. He needs to know that each of you must be able to take care of your own needs as much as his needs. He needs to understand that in order for you to be able to be there for him and Mom; you need to care for yourselves and the property. If he can't hear you perhaps he can accept your viewpoint from a neutral party, like a family counselor, he may be more willing to cooperate. The Bible says, "Let all things be done decently and in order." Family is a corporation. A corporation needs planning, delegation, cooperation and incentives, such as mutual love, support, consideration and compassion. Get together and make a plan, work the plan and each person must remember that, "We are all in this together and each person's needs are as important, everyone elses." Love is not just a feeling. Love is actions which promotes positive outcomes for everyone involved.
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MargaretMcKen Oct 2022
I think your post misses the point you almost made yourself. “He may feel like he has gone from being a fierce lion who provides for and protects the pride to an old toothless lion that has to somehow prove to the pride that he is still the head of the pride”. Long before that old lion is toothless, he has been ousted from leadership, killed by the challenger, or exiled. And the female lions make most of the kills to ‘provide for’.

It sounds nice but it’s actually unreal to focus on keeping Dad happy in his demanding delusions.
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Tawheed1: Do not engage in the acrimony that your father is spewing. Also, he should know that he is paying for the total of 31 hours as per his contract so he is only shorting himself.
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Please know that even if he sends help home early he will still pay for the 31 hours he contracted for.
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Just reading this gave me the heebie jeebies as my grandfather used to say. This sounds annoying as heck. It sounds like you need to stand your ground with this man who is acting like a bullying toddler. He is in no shape or form to dictate anything. Let the caregiver finish out her day even if it is to sit somewhere until he needs her again or until she is ready to leave at the end of her shift.
Is there a way your mother can go to a senior daycare during the day to get a rest from your father's nonsense? He sounds horrible.

Keep the caregiver and do not let dad intimidate the aides and keep sending them away for no valid reason.

I'm no help on this topic because I'm pretty blunt with bullies.
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Talk to the workers. When he tells them to leave, ask them to tell him they must work their full shift and can't go. If you are in the yard working, go inside yourself and say it so he and the caregiver hear you: We'll be in the yard working, so if you need something XX is here to help you out and we will come in when we're done.

More than likely he is still paying for the hours after they leave since there is a contract in place.
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Can you speak to the manager/owner of the company and set up something that will insure that the caregivers stay until the contracted time - no matter what you dad tells them to do?

I totally understand the yelling and screaming - I live with it every day until my mother has worn herself out.
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I believe it is necessary to video your dad and to call Adult Protective Services to have both parents evaluated for Placement and find out what it will take to arrive at eligibility for Medicaid at some point. Please video him screaming and throwing his tantrums.

Until the APS person comes and makes arrangements, it seems that your Dad needs sedation: please call 911 when he starts screaming and ask them to do a 5150 psych eval hold...........you can show them your video. If Mom can't be alone then call to have her transported to the hospital in order to have their social worker get an emergency placement. You will need to cancel the caretaker contract if they get placed..............not sure if the contract prohibits it or accepts the fact that seniors decline.
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We’re here for you!!😊 That’s a dilemma that only works with cooperation. I am so sorry you get to deal with that. I don’t know he’s kind of being a bully, & my standard with bullies is stand up to them. Sounds like you do that already, lol. However, more practical, think of the project you’re working on and you give him a timeframe when you will check in on him so he doesn’t feel excluded or lost?

regarding the company, dumb question- when he sends him home are they still claiming the hours or are you not paying for it? Because if they’re still claiming obviously the company doesn’t know and those caregivers are happy about it. But if they do know and you’re afraid of losing this particular company maybe you need to make it clear to the company and the caregivers when they arrive that no matter what they’re not allowed to leave. give them something to do or tell them to sit there with a book and just wait for him to need something.

I know it sounds crazy but sometimes you gotta do that dance to get the adjustment in place.
Good luck!
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DIfferent but same: A friend who's been through this said think of them as toddlers. My mom's her own worst enemy, refusing to drink, elevate body etc for an aide she dislikes. (We dislike her too, but we've had worse.) Even though we tell her repeatedly that she's gonna end in ER otherwise. Guess where she is? ER. Tho that's another story. Apparently her doc office (bought by a big chain) sends you to ER--literal ER--for things like CAT scans, blood tests etc. I never heard of such a thing. But remember: toddler.
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Regarding Dad getting his driver's license: what is this "we" you refer to? Why are you even supporting this? He doesn't have a license. You don't want him to drive. He isn't safe. Ignore anything beyond this. If his license has been revoked for over a year, he not only needs to take himself to a doctor and get a neurological test to prove he has the physical ability to drive, he also will have to take both written and on the road tests. Any time he brings it up, step back from the discussion. "If you think you can get a driver's license you don't need my help. Just do it." Repeat ad nauseam.

Now apply to other situations: "If you think you can… just do it. You don't need my help."

As for dismissing the caregivers: "You signed a contract. You have to pay whether they work the minimum hours or not." If you want to be involved with this, help your parents make a list of what the caregivers should be doing on a daily/weekly basis. Now you are done.

Keep repeating to the yelling Dad, "If you can, please do it yourself. I can't right now."

Practice walking away. Smile and wave. Then look where you are going and don't look back. You have work to do. Being yelled at is not on your "Must Do" list.

Schedule time off for yourself every week. Practice selective deafness, or go somewhere out of hearing range.

Dad is Dad. He will yell, he will make demands, and you don't have to respond.

Your parents are no longer functional adults; your roles are reversed. Show them love and compassion but stop treating them like they have some power over you. They do not. Once you learn how to just walk away, you will feel better.
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You're not in the wrong. He's reacting to aging in the way that many men of his age and generation act: denial. He resents the caretakers and resents the cost as well.

It sounds like this arrangement came after a long struggle to bring your dad around so that he would reluctantly hire the caretakers. Correct me if I'm wrong about that. He is taking advantage of your sense of obligation to him to force you to care for him and your mother even if it's not safe. I've seen this happen before in my practice, and it either ends in extreme burnout for the children, or an APS referral when the husband inevitably fails to take care of himself and his wife.

Are you his attorney-in-fact? If so, you might want to work out an amendment to the contract where the caregivers get paid even if he tells them to go home so that you don't get those services cancelled. If he balks at that, probably the best choice is to maintain your boundaries, don't allow him to manipulate you into assuming the role he was supposed to delegate to the caretakers, and let him live with the consequences of his stubbornness. This is a very difficult process, but it's not your fault.
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Ear phones are a possibility. Discuss the problem with the agency. I assume he is trying to save money? Or just wants you? It he is reducing the hours they charge from those contracted, he is in for an unpleasant surprise. Of course, he might prefer to lose them and demand you two take over his care and all else. Best to get this out in the open immediately. Sounds like he finds you more pleasant than the housekeepers, for social or financial reasons. You have to change that perception, before you lose the farm, literally and emotionally. It sounds like he is now, if not always, slipping cognitively with a temper to match. Let him yell until his voice gives out or the police come.
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Sorry you're going through this difficult time. As a care giver, I don't like being sent home early. At one company, I was paid even if sent home early. At another company, not so. I hate to say it, but by responding to his hollars, your mom and y'all are being codependent. So, as long as he has care giver, make him walk the whole way or he can turn back. Don't meet him halfway and let him manipulate you or her into bending over backwards. Let him face the consequences of his actions so he learns a little humility. Let him send them home early a couple times and make him walk all the way to you if he has a fit. Don't "enable" him to be a jerk. Face the awkward moments when he has to realize his mistakes. Whoever speaks first loses, too, so endure the awkwardness while you re-train his demeanor. If he's lonely, maybe a pet would help. A lot of care givers don't do pet care, but I always do. Consider a locked gate so he can't access you outside and has to turn back after his fit. I agree with others that the care givers should redirect him. When he suggests going home early, they should offer to take him to a park or say that the oven needs cleaning (or the blinds, or the window...), or that they are still paid. When he wants to run out and see you, they should turn his attention to something fun, or something else. Ask him about his pet topics. Dementia is challenging. If his fits are always at the same time of day, read up on sundowning and ways to fix it. Reduce his caffeine and any stimulants. Offer cheese or warm drinks with milk in them to calm him (decaf latte). Nuts have magnesium so the calcium and magnesium should slow him down. You could try walkie talkies but that might just make him have more demands. Have the care givers bring a book or allow them to surf on their devices. Maybe he just gets tired of making conversation. He is indeed lucky to have you. Good luck with the ranch. Sometimes heightened behavior can be the only sign of a urinary tract infection.
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sp19690 Oct 2022
Please don't suggest pets for demented elders or elders who cannot take care of themselves. It's not fair to the animal and many wind up neglected due to situations like this. Dad is a mentally sick man and mom has Alzheimer's there is no way a pet could thrive and live a good life in this type if circumstance. Animals are not play things for the amusement if human beings.
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while there is a lot to your post, I wonder what the obligation is of the hc aid to stay if your dad is paying. Have you tried talking with the company to understand what tactics they deploy to attempt to stay 31 hours as they are getting paid? Explain the issue. Ask them to stay onsite. Is there a place they can read? When he starts screaming, have them go in.

maybe install an echo and have him call instead of scream. When he calls let him know you’re busy and provide a time that works for you to visit.

I have a dementia board for my dad for him to reference with the daily happenings ( bath care, housekeeping, nurse visit and dinner plans/my visit). That may help too.
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An answer to your ? as to whether you can talk to dad's atty: Yep, you betcha. They will be happy to take your money to listen to you and then say "I'm sorry, I cannot disclose that information, your FATHER is my client." IF you were made to be dad's POA, that's a different situation, but dad won't allow it, right?

Lawyers have to follow the rules or they could be disbarred. It's not worth the risk to them.

They 'may' be able to give you some advice--but it would be 'hypothetical' as, again, they can't speak to you about your dad's estate. And it sounds like dad is far from being able to make that decision--to let you have the POA power. IF he activated the POA, you could talk to anyone on his behalf.

I think you're lucky the CG's are still coming around. How does he treat THEM? I had a client give me a black eye the one and only day I worked for her. I didn't opt to go back for a broken arm or something worse. Dad's may cut and run if he is unkind to them or just sends them home!

As far as having the CG just sit out her hours in the house--seriously? I'd go crazy. Can you give her jobs to do within the house that benefit dad and mom and are necessary? Man, I did laundry, dishes, cleaned house, changed beds---didn't really fall within my purview of the job, but I could not BEAR to just 'sit' for any longer than about 15 minutes!!

I think that upping his dosage of antianxiety meds may be your best answer. And knowing that he's not getting his license back is going to be a bugaboo. Would he be content with an ATV to drive around the property? Or a golf cart? Is it just the itch to drive anything that's getting to him? My FIL couldn't drive the last few months of his life, but he had a golf cart and he drove all over his condo lanes quite happily, finding people to chat with, etc. Calmed him down a lot.

This is an awful sexist thing to say but I am still gonna say it: Men seem to have a MUCH harder time giving up driving. Ok--men of a certain generation, that is. My DH about loses his mind when I drive, instead of him. He's embarrassed to have anyone see him in a car with a WOMAN driving, even though his driving record is bad, and mine is clean. Thank goodness that seems to be passing--my daughters often are the drivers.
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Taweed1,
You are doing a lot of things right!

Amazing repair to the main water line!
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Taweed1,
You are wrong.
The reason you are wrong is that you are allowing an anxiety ridden 80 y.o. who requires caregiving (as well as his wife with dementia) to dictate the day.

You are wrong for not working with the caregivers more closely to distract him, redirect him, and provide services throughout the shifts as scheduled.
Problem:
1)  he will even send my mother who has dementia across the property to the detached building that I'm sometimes in to come get me & no sooner than she’s halfway across the yard & out of his sight, he starts yelling & screaming for her & she gets all shaky & agitated & upset when he does that to her 😢.
Solution:
When he asks the caregiver to leave, have the caregiver come to the building you are in, and when he screams for you, send the caregiver. You should be supervising the caregivers.
Assign a caregiver to Mom only, to protect her from being ordered around by your Dad.
Make use of the caregiver(s) time towards the end of their shift. Have a ride to town scheduled for Mom, a respite trip with just her and the caregiver to get a treat. There is nothing requiring an ill woman to be also on call for your Dad. Put a stop to this.

There are other suggestions you can come up with, once you see that we do not leave the asylum run by the patients.
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JColl7 Oct 2022
The only problem with this is the fact that it’s stated that the father pays for the caregiver and he is the one that signed the contract. The caregiver may be under no obligation to take orders or direction from the children, nor care for the mother if it’s not stated in the contract.
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I can answer that you ARE being billed for 31 hrs per week, whether or not the CG is actually working that much. That's how it runs--or rather, that's how it was when I was working in CG. If my client was 'done' for the day and couldn't think of anything else for me to do, she'd send me home. Client was still billed out at the usual rate.

Does dad know that? If he did, maybe he'd be more amenable to letting his CG do their job, and obviously, he needs the help--but more than that, YOU need the help!

His anxiety is troubling. Time for a dr's visit and a heart to heart about calming him down. His anxiety is upsetting everyone and that's not right nor fair.

As far as the CG---I personally WANTED to work my full time allotted. Sitting alone in a room would have driven me nuts! You won't lose your CG b/c if the bill is being paid, the CG company won't really care.
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Ya'll are probably getting billed for the entire shift. That is how most care contracts work.
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Who is approving the payments to the care agency? Generally even if Dad sends them home early you are billed for the entire shift.

Agree with the other posters, tell caregiver to sit in another room and they are not to go home early if Dad tells them to go home.

You may need to call the supervisor of the agency about this.
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Is this a working farm? If so, do you see any of the profit? How would it effect the ones who live there if the property was sold? I ask because, the only way you are going to get out from under this is to place your parents. If Dad has a hearing problem, he may have a cognitive problem too. If he has cognitive problems, there is no reasoning with him. There is also no empathy. Really he sends someone suffering from Dementia out to get you. Was Dad always self-centered and demanding?

Is anyone POA for your parents? You can't continue to go on like this. You children need to have a meeting on how is this going to be handled. Not how do we continue to keep Mom and Dad on the farm but how do we get them into care. Do Dad and Mom hold the deed. I saw something about a brother now I can't find it. Was he given ownership to where he lives? I ask this because the farm could be sold to pay Dads and Moms care. Even though Medicaid allows it as exempt property, seems to me it would be a pain to try and keep up and that would be on your dime. To get Medicaid to pay for LTC, your parents can have no assets. Monthly income goes towards their care. If you can sell the farm, the proceeds can only be used for your parents. Meaning, brother can't use any of the proceeds to set himself up somewhere else unless he too is on the deed.

I would check to see if Dad is being charged whether the aides are there or not. If he is being charged, does the Agency know he is letting the aides go early defeating the whole purpose why they are there. Not so much to care for your parents but also time for u to get things done around the farm and have time for yourselves. Ask that the aides stick to their schedules. They can say they were reprimanded for not keeping to their schedule if he tells them to leave. Then you try to talk to Dad. The aides are there for a reason. Not just to take care of him and Mom but to give you and Sis a break. If he wants to stay on the farm, then he needs to take advantage of the aides when they are there. That you and Sis help to maintain his farm. Then tell him how much he saved on the pipe. Tell him that can't continue if he thinks you and Sis need to be at his beck and call. You have a life outside of his. You are entitled to have time to yourself. He can't remain in the farm, if he expects his two daughters to do it ALL. It is not going to happen. If he is not willing to compromise, then the farm will need to be sold and Mom and him go into Assisted Living. I am not beyond a "little" threat.

Your parents need you more than you need them. Mom is going to worsen. Her care will become more and more. If Dad is abusing her even verbally, you may want to place her somewhere nice. If Dad has Dementia, the same will happen to him.
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"I manage all their bills, medical appts, medications, social workers, drs, etc and am with them for 4 days a week.. burned out now due to the unmanaged anxiety issue as his episodes suck me in and cause me my own anxiety problems like racing heart, stomach nausea, migraines and now a twitching eye even when im 25 miles away on my 'days off.'"

If your father is 80, how old are you? Do you have a job? How do you get medical insurance, and are you saving anything for your retirement?

The stress is causing you medical issues. Are you going to allow this to continue?

"I do have help from my younger sister, however we have a third sibling who lives on the same property who for his own issues which is severe anxiety, wont seek treatment..he could possibly be a willing participant in our family but he chooses not to."

So your brother does nothing and gets a pass....he couldn't even help with the digging?

"I am not the person to be in this situation with my elderly parents, but I am the oldest, the only girl, and there's no one else in my family who thinks well enough that can do the management that I am doing so I'm basically trapped and that feeling trapped alone causes a lot of stress,"

How can you be the only girl if you have a sister?

So what is the envisioned future plan for this 8 acre farm? Do you and your siblings inherit it equally? Seems like you are the only one who will be able to manage it. Do you WANT to be the manager (seems like you already are)? After the siblings die, then who inherits it? Your children? Do you have any Nieces and nephews? And what would happen if you were to die or become incapacitated because of all the stress?

Here's what I'd do...stop stepping in to help, and let the inevitable crisis happen. Both your parents need to be in a facility, it seems. Sell the farm to pay for their care. After that, Medicaid.
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Tawheed1 Oct 2022
Hello, im 47 & currently dont work as i need to be available for this situation. Im married and on husbands insurance.
Yup, bro does nothing w parents & gets a pass. Hes unemployed, has severe unmedicated anxiety and cant tolerate my dads loud angry disposition nor his rudeness. If i didnt have the religious and moral obligation to deal with my parents situation, i would drastically reduce the time im around as well.

Im not sure why ive put only girl..theres 3 of us, me, sis and bro.

As far as the farm goes, it's not a working farm..weve been there 50 years but it hasn't been working in 25 years. We still have a bunch of grazing animals.. it requires a lot of maintenance to keep fences in shape as most of them were put up in the 70s.. also we have to keep the weeds and grasses down to a minimum or we will get fined by the fire department for fire hazard..the animals help w this..there's a lot of fruit trees that require maintenance..they do provide a lot of fruit for my family&homeless, however, this year's yield was drastically reduced due to weather issues.. also the house itself requires maintenance. It's an old modular from the early 70s and dad does not like to spend money on it unless it's absolutely necessary.

There is a will and a trust drawn up but nothing is listed as going to anybody in particular. My dad didn't have the tolerance and his stress and anxiety was too high to sit back and decide who's going to get what, so the 3 of us are going to have to hash it out later. None of us have children. Im the only one married.

My parents are well off. They have rental properties, ssi and retirements...The problem is, getting him to agree to pay for things that are needed...there is an old saying that a person's money becomes attached to their liver, and to detach it is impossible, as they became one with it. That's how he is. And they don't want to sell anything. My mom has dementia, but she still refuses to sell property. Short-term memory is shot but so much of her is still there.

The will and trust was set up rather goofy, where there is no one as poa over my dad, rather he is the power of attorney over my mom if she became incapacitated, however, he is not in the state to have that position nor is he able or willing to justly fulfill it. As far as not listing anybody as his current poa, I'm sure this decision has to do w him & his power & control issues & denial that he himself will get old & not be able to handle things himself someday. Me as his POA only kicks in once he's deemed unable & he currently technically IS "able", if u can all it that😑

Does anyone know if I am able to go down and speak to his attorney alone and explain the situation? Is this attorney allowed to speak to me since it's my dads attorney and not mine? I keep getting told by a family friend that I need to go speak to the attorney and let him know everything that's happening, however I'm not sure what good the attorney can do about anything if my dad isn't there to agree to change something or put me as current acting poa.

My dad does have a dementia assessment coming up in a month and I just hope that he doesn't cancel it..there's definitely been some cognitive decline however I don't have a lot of faith that the test is going to determine it because they gave him one when he was in the hospital about 4 months ago and he passed it. Things like drawing a clock, and asking him trivial questions, things like that, he's going to pass just fine. But he does other weird stuff, like not recognizing the medical building him and I are in when I've taken him there three times before and not remembering his doctor when he saw him only a month ago. So I don't know. If he is deemed incapacitated at some point, then my power of attorney will kick in, but not before then, unless something changes.

With my dad's refusal to cooperate, I think we just have to wait for the next major medical emergency and see where it goes when he's i
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Tell your dad the caregivers are contractually obligated to stay their full time and he's causing trouble for them by sending them home early.

Then tell the caregivers to go do something in another room if need be, but they are not to leave until their shift is over, regardless of what Dad says. They've been hired to do a job, and it's their responsibility to do it.
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Having a label for things sometimes helps me.. have a read below & see if *tantrum* fits for this behaviour.

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/elderly-temper-tantrums-156852.htm
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Your Father is in the same position as my LO.

ACCEPT the paid caregiver to help or have NO HELP.

The option of you/Sister/Mother is NOT on offer for his daily whatever.

Yes he may need care/company/stuff done.

No he cannot dictate that it must be a FAMILY member to do it. This would mean his family are his slaves.

Expecting family to be at his beck & call is 1. Unreasonable 2. Selfish 3. Not workable.

I would be tempted to say "Father we busy running the farm. You want to farm to run, right?"
Add "We are not your slaves" anytime you need to.

Add "You may move into a Nursing Home at any time" 😁

In fact as someone (who is it??) wise on the forum has often said *Being stuborn will get you into a nursing home all the faster*
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I would expect that the care company would charge for the contract period, even if Father ‘lets them go early’. Check if this is correct. If he is being charged, tell him that he is wasting his money - it might sink in. If he is NOT being charged, tell him to pay you the amount ‘saved’ because he is expecting you to do what the carer was supposed to do.

Go for the money – it often makes more impact. It may be being done by an automatic transfer, out of sight out of mind.
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Beatty Oct 2022
I would expect the care company to charge for the hours pre-set too.

Tell Dad he pays regardless of the time they leave.
If saving money was his motivation to let them go - there goes his reason.
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You’re not in the wrong, and you should ask his doctor to medicate him. His anxiety is over the top.
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Tawheed1 Oct 2022
Hi, yes he is currently medicated, they finally found a couple things that don't seem to have any bad side effects and have decreased his anxiety quite a bit from where it was originally. Hes on gabapentin and buspar..he is still at the lowest dose of gaba and it needs to be increased as he is definitely still having anxiety. (Personally, I think a lot of this anxiety stems from the fact that he is having to face his mortality sooner than later and his severely declining health and he doesn't know how to cope with that so he wants people around him that act as a distraction. He frantically needs someone to be around him all the time, even when he appears calm.. His anxiety has definitely changed in the way it manifests, however it's definitely not fully under control! To expect to always have somebody right there next to him is completely unreasonable and unfulfillable)

The biggest monkey wrench thrown into this anxiety management problem now is him and this freaking fiasco of trying to get his license back. He will not let me tell the psychiatrist that he needs to go up in his anxiety medication because the whole reason his license was pulled in the first place by his nephrologist / primary care provider was due to his extreme anxiety BUT ALSO for him being a danger on the road but he wont admit hes a dangerous driver...now he is under the impression that if he can convince another doctor that he has gotten his anxiety managed, he can get them to sign and fax in the DMV medical documents DMV requested and he will get his license back😖I'm not able to have a conversation with the doctor in front of my father, because he will see it as me stabbing him in the back and it's going to make the situation I am dealing with so much worse in so many ways😖
If I contact the doctor behind his back and ask for an increase, my father will notice that his pills have increased/changed.
The biggest part of this problem is him not acknowledging and admitting the fact that he is not safe to drive, even before the anxiety became an issue. If only he wasn't so arrogant that he would acknowledge that, then the rest of these problems would go away. But until then, he's convinced that if I tell the doctor he needs an increase in anxiety med dosage that they will use that as evidence that he is still not able to drive, when that's really not the full story to begin with, it's that he is dangerous on the road!

Anyhow, I think the chances of him getting his license back are extremely small because no matter who we take his DMV paperwork to, that doctor is going to want to refer back to the original doctor's notes who had it pulled in the first place, so going to another doctor and having them simply fill out these forms isn't going to get him anywhere as no sane Doctor Who values having their medical license is going to just sign over medical paperwork about someone they know nothing about. They're going to refer back to the original doctors notes and reasons for the request to suspend the license in the first place. So he's not going to get anywhere with this I don't think.

Dealing with my father is very difficult and I am not able to be as straightforward as people suggest. We all have different family Dynamics and not every approach will work for the best outcome in everyone else's case.

At the the end of the day, we will get through this as nothing lasts forever, although going through this stuff certainly seems like it is never ending!
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You are not in the wrong. Your dad should NOT be letting the caregivers go home early. I would get dad tested cuz I seriously question his cognitive abilities. I would tell the caregivers that they are NOT to leave on his say so. I don't know if they're there more to care for your mom due to her dementia and if so, she probably really needs the help. Tell the caregivers to give dad some vague answer of "I'm just going to finish up X" and keep working. Do they have a list of things that are supposed to be accomplished? If so, they can use that as a reason not to leave "I have to finish 3 more things on my list so I don't get in trouble with my boss". Whatever - something to shut him up.

His screaming is ridiculous and of course stressful. If you question his capabilities, then don't yell back at (well try not to!) him. Before you head out to do your chores etc when caregiver arrives tell dad that the caregiver needs to stay there until X hour and they will NOT be going home early anymore. And that he will NOT be sending mom out to find you. And that he will NOT be screaming for you anymore. I would say this nicely without my emphasis and I would also write a little note like 1) caregiver staying until 2 PM - do not attempt to send her home
2) do not send mom out to look for anyone - it is unsafe
3) do not scream for us - we are busy and will be back in when we are done
4) if you have an emergency - call 911
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Natasana Sep 2022
A bit of caution about suggesting he call 911. Everything may be an emergency to him, as it was for my mom. Sheriff's deputies came out several times for calls for missing cats, stolen dogs, being locked out of house while sitting in living room, and just to check if mom's gate was closed. Not good since I worked for the sheriff's department.
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Your father may no longer be fully responsible for his conduct, and depending upon his current level of cognitive functioning, you may be wasting your time and his by attempting to change HIS behavior concerning his daily activities.

If you can do so, assume the management of his caregivers and tell them that whatever he says they are to stay with him for the amount of time in the contract.

If he is failing cognitively he is not letting anything go “in one ear and out the other”. Hearing loss alone can have devastating consequences for the elderly, and if he’s experiencing cognitive loss, the interaction of those symptoms can make things exponentially worse.

For both of your sakes, get him to his doctor and be sure that he’s tested for urinary tract infection. Ask the doctor to administer a screening test for cognitive decline, and if the doctor feels it would be useful, to arrange a more intensive evaluation of your father’s ability to manage for himself.

There are medications that can help the elderly function more comfortably.

You need to know, for his sake. Hopefully you’ll also find out how to make your life a bit easier too.

Hang in there. Your dad is lucky to have you.
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