I haven't posted in a while but I really need some advice & thoughts right now. Mom had been on hospice for about a year, In July she was removed from the program... (she's currently being reevaluated) coincidentally, I had a big surgery that same week and have curbed visit time due to my healing. Mom is still in a MCF and had declined significantly while I have only been visiting daily for short visits; not 4-8 hours. I was recently told by a dear friend of more than 45 years that; ' If I continue to water the plant, it will be nurtured and grow". I guess meaning the more I visit the longer I draw out this horrible illness for for mother and that's the last thing I want. I know this wasn't meant as a malicious comment but, sincere input. I'd like your thoughts, experiences & opinions on the effects of changing my visit lengths; if any. Some have suggested I skip 1-2 days a week. Thank you.
If it were me, I would limit my visits to an hour a day, and then be on my way. I would make sure Mom has everything she needs, sit and chat for a while, maybe stay and help her eat lunch, and then say, “Ok! See you tomorrow, Mom!”
Your lengthy visits have not been for selfish reasons - you’re a loving daughter. She has lasted because of your loving care, but also because it hasn’t been her time. Now, if she was on a respirator and hooked up to machines and tubes, THEN I’d say you were prolonging the inevitable. But prolonging it just by visiting? Then, I’d call you a miracle worker.
Visit with your mom as much or as little as you feel that you want to. This is about taking care of your heart right now and doing what you know that you can deal with when she dies. It is more then okay for you to take care of you now and to be a bit selfish in how you go about it.
I don't know if that's true or not, as of course I was going to take care of my husband the best I knew how to, and do whatever it took to keep him comfortable and as happy as he could be in his condition.
Now all that being said, you should do what you feel in your heart is best for you and your mom. If that is cutting back on your visits, then so be it. And if it's continuing with your daily short visits that's fine to. Only you will have to live with the choices you make, so make them wisely. Best wishes.
Your Mom has no idea how long you stay or don't stay. There is no time in her world. You could have been there 8 hrs and she will tell someone "my daughter hasn't been here for a week". Take care of yourself. She is safe and fed and what will be will be.
Anyway, I also think your friend is way off base making a silly statement as she did about watering a plant & keeping it nurtured & growing. Hogwash. We all have been given a certain amount of days on Earth; when those days are up, we leave, and that's that. As much as we'd all like to think we have a say in God's plan for us, we don't. That's my belief anyway.
I think visiting your mom all day every day is way too much for both of you. You're preventing her from developing a routine of her own or mingling with the other residents and/or partaking in activities at the MC, if she's up to it. Go less often and stay for shorter visits; I don't think either of you will benefit less from such a thing. And remember to take care of YOURSELF too, okay?
Best of luck!
You are healing and you need to care for yourself.
Visit when you are up to it.
Keep visits short. Nothing wrong with popping in for 15 or 20 minutes one time and an hour the next time. Time your visit so that when you leave she is ready for a nap or a meal so that she is occupied. (a lot of this depends on how aware your mom is when you get ready to leave)
I certainly not do a 4-8 hour visit. That is exhausting for you as well as your mom. And it disrupts the daily activities or flow of the place. (staff may not want to come in the room if you are there. You being there may change the nap or sleep routine your mom has.)
One thing I really can guess, is that living a large part of your waking life close to your mother is going to leave you with a huge hole in it when she passes. Grief can be almost like its own ‘horrible illness’. Give yourself some time too!