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I took care of my folks for a decade.I knew I would outlive them but I had high blood pressure and high stress that I worked to keep managed. My Dad died 5 years ago and my Mom died last month. since then, my blood pressure has calmed down (no need for meds) and the constant pressure has released. I grieve but I am more relaxed and peaceful.
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Evamar Mar 2023
Cashew,
I was away from AC forum for a while, so sorry to hear about your Mom.
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The mental, physical and financial stress of taking care of parents or an ill spouse takes years off of your life. I know of multiple people who have died before the person they were taking care of...

You are not their only option. There is no shame in deciding that you have given enough and that it is time to help them look at all of their options. Running yourself into the ground doesn't make you a better daughter/son and in turn, finding a facility that is close by that meets their needs doesn't make you a bad daughter/son.

Some posters throw the guilt around and say things like "your parents took care of you when you were a child" suggesting that somehow you owe them. My argument to that is that you choose to have a child and they are totally helpless for about 4 years and then they can feed themselves, dress themselves, go to the toilet unassisted and are continually growing mentally and physically. Taking care of an ill parent or spouse can literally go on for 15 years! and there is no improvement...they are going the other direction. To me, taking care of children and taking care of parents/spouse that is ill, are two different situations.

My parents did not spend one day taking care of their own parents. Somehow this caretaking business skipped a generation! Your parents would not want you to be sad and run down. Look into alternatives for them and take care of yourself and your cat!
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bundleofjoy Mar 2023
i want to "like" this comment more than once.
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No. It's because of my excellent care my mother is now 98 and still going, 4 months into hospice, and now they're telling me I could be another 6 months. Medication and a pacemaker allowed her to survive past the Independent part of her life to loss of independence, at the same time giving me years of anxiety, and robbing me of trips with my husband and tens of thousands of dollars as well as a relationship with a sibling. I really don't think there's a day that goes by without me thinking at least 10 times about how I'll never put anyone through this and I would much rather live a shorter life than put someone else through caring for me the way I care for my mother while she is depressed and angry at her reduced state. All the medications she took kept her alive and seems like a miracle at the time but in retrospect I think we keep people alive far too long only to suffer. Meanwhile we're suffering caring for them during the best years of our lives. That said duty and love prevent me from abandoning her and I feel I'm doing the right thing. But I hope to never put anyone else through this.
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Hothouseflower Mar 2023
I echo your sentiments. No way am I doing this to my family.

My mother had a pacemaker implanted in July. She was very tired and the aide checked her pulse and found it was very low. The aide called 911. My 94 y/o mom went to the hospital where the doctors said her heart could not sustain life and she would die very soon. She did have a DNR. The cardiologist said she was a candidate for a pacemaker. My sisters and I were prepared for her to die and did not want her to have the pacemaker, We felt it was her time, a death from CHF would be a natural end to her life. However my father (who is feebleminded but does not have dementia) was her next of kin and we had to put the decision to him. He did not want her to die and overrode the DNR. So here we are now with her a miserable shut-in alone with 8 hours of aides coming in daily and with my dad's living arrangement now in flux because we are trying to get him into a SNF facility shortly. My mother can go years like this. There is no quality of life anymore. I visit out of a sense of obligation for 30 days every other month and my sisters check in on her and run errands but there is nothing to live for anymore.
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I'm quite sure I no longer want to live as long as my mother because of taking care of my mother.
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Tynagh Mar 2023
Omg, yes. I dread it. Especially since I have no sibs or kids or SO. And considering that there's Boomer phobia, I anticipate not being welcomed at mosy facilities. This caregiving has been tough, but we do it because of love.
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There are research studies that state that caregivers do indeed suffer significant medical consequences from their work. Everything from depression & suicidal thoughts to untreated cancer’s & cardiac issues. Then again, lots of professions carry medical consequences…

But when caregiving for a parent there’s something fundamentally unnatural about the situation. Why would someone that spent years protecting & supporting (ideally) a child, turn around years later to impose suffering & detriment to that same child just because they’re an adult now. If you know you’re hurting your family, but do it anyway just because you can, what message does that send? How can someone justify the damage to another’s health & future in exchange for their own current comfort & well being as a fair trade?

What really fascinates me is coming global population collapse as a result of the increasing size of the aging/elder demographics. Meaning the dependency ratio of those working & producing is inverted to those that are retired & dependent. Younger generations are increasingly tasked with elder care, reducing their own economic output & limiting their ability to develop their own families & shortening their own lifespans due to the nature of caregiving. It’s already occurred in Japan as well as a few European countries.

No one seems to question just how much of the “labor shortage” is due to people being forced into family caregiving. And the Baby Boomers have barely begun to enter into dependency/retirement. They’re already the most resented generation in history… imagine what it’ll be like when they’re in their 80s.

I gave up my career to become a caregiver & I’m far from alone. I’m in my mid 40s, and thanks to having become a caregiver, have no inclination to live past my 60s. None. I would much rather die than put any other human through what I’ve endured caring for my parents. What little I have saved won’t be confiscated by a greedy nursing home. I’ll be prepared to end things before any of that happens.

In that sense, caregiving has been a blessing. My eyes are wide open to realities of aging & the realities of the dystopian industrial complex we call medical care.
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Way2tired Mar 2023
I agree. It’s a huge problem . People are living longer and need help longer. It’s not really living longer . ….
It’s dying slowly

I also worry about my adult childrens’ ability to live the life that they want to live due to the burden , as you described , put on their generation because of the growing number of very elderly .

I have also thought about how I hope I realize when it’s not worth living anymore and how I can check out at that time .
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This is something I constantly worry about that fills me with further resentment and dread. Also, when people now say, "God will bless you for taking care of your father", I want to say, "I'll be too worn out and possibly sick to enjoy that blessing".

On a positive note, I really appreciate this forum because very few people in my life (other than the caregivers on this site) seem to understand what it's like and why I sometimes feel the way I do about caregiving.
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sp19690 Mar 2023
Sorry but god will not bless you for taking care of your father. That's just some crap people say and it means nothing.

The reality is that this world is indifferent to the human condition. There are no special blessings or considerations by god if you are a decent person.

Life is like roulette - you just spin the wheel and random stuff happens with no regard for what a person is or has done in their life.

That's why when my child abuser FIL comments with his amen and amens on a meme about how terrible child abuse is I remind him
in the comments section in public that he is in fact a child abuser too. Because he has lied about what he has done for 50 plus years.
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I'm waiting for BurntCaregiver to show up here! She's great. Time to buckle up, buttercup, because, caregiving is impossibly hard to do, especially if you're not trained in it, not paid, and it's not your profession. Step back from the madness, take care of yourself, get off the roller coaster of madness, the mental whiplash of one day everything is ok and the next minute everything is awful. There are a lot of ways to untangle ones self from this, it ain't pretty, it ain't always "nice", or if those are not acceptable alternatives....call the funeral parlor and pick out your casket.
The mortality rate for caregivers is something like 60% or higher. If this is not a group you want to die for, better do some hard thinking and step back.
I do not write this lightly. I do care for those who care, but given what I have gone through over the past four years, I hope that folks will take care of themselves and not die to keep caregiving, because, we're good people, we want to do the right thing, we want to be good caregivers. Weeellll.....sometimes....that ain't always possible, given the circumstances we have to deal with.
I totally respect each and everyone who is on this road, incredibly hard, thankless work. I am in no way disrespecting those who have chosen how they are handling their situation. I do want folks to be able to say "enough is enough" and be able to step away and say "No More". I know I will have to do that for my husband. It will not be easy to do. I don't want to do that, but....it will come down to the reality of how horrible dementia is and how I am just one person in this storm and can only do so much for him.
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Way2tired Mar 2023
Very helpful post. Thank you . Prayers for you and hubby .
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I agree that people are "living" much too long. Their lives SUCK. They are not happy. They are barely existing. It's pathetic, sad, horrible, etc. My mom did nothing for herself. Very content to sit in her chair and watch tv and have as much done for her as possible. Even when she was able to do plenty for herself. Never heeded my advice for taking better care of herself. Never cared about eating better for her health and well being. Never cared about losing weight. Never cared about being active. It made me so angry that she just let old age wash over her without even trying to improve her situation.

I have learned what NOT to do. Everything she did. And did not do. I am taking care of myself so my children will not be faced with a decrepit mother that won't live her life to the fullest and do what she can do for herself. I used to say I'm never going into a nursing home but after caring for my mother I say B.S. to that. I do not ever want my kids to take care of me. I want them to live their lives as is their right, their due.

At my age, my parents were having fun, traveling, etc. They were not tied down to caregiving. My mom has NO clue what it was like to care for her. She thinks stopping at her mom's once a day to give her an insulin shot was a big deal. OMG it does not compare to caring for someone with dementia. In your own home. Even now that she's in AL, I still have to coordinate so much for her. She mixes up her dirty and clean clothes. She doesn't put her trash where it belongs. She just can't keep track of virtually anything. But she mostly has no idea of what she is not capable of. Thinks it's fine. Except sometimes she knows she's really confused, etc.

Good luck to all of you reading this in putting caregiving in it's proper place, taking care of yourself, etc.
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Way2tired Mar 2023
This may sound random.
But I will NEVER allow another recliner in my house !! Already told hubby he’s not allowed to get one .
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Now that my parents are gone and I did the bulk of caretaking myself, I truly believe that the love I gave will extend my life.

I have achieved a great and deep happiness.

when I look at pictures of my siblings that weren’t around I see an emptiness and compounded aging.
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southiebella Mar 2023
Oh I love this! So encouraging!
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Every single carer I know has died before the person they are caring for, although not a child from caregiving for their parent. However, I have known caregivers looking after their parents who end up divorcing, lose all of their savings and/or significant physical and/or mental health issues. All because they made a "promise" that they could care for their parents, even when they aren't equipped to do it. They worry what their parents want rather than what they need and avoid getting any help or putting them in a facility that would be a better solution for their needs.

My own mother has needed care for over 20 years and if I had decided to be her primary caregiver, I never would have met my husband, had kids, enjoyed a rewarding career and life. She has now been in a nursing home for 3 years and is slowly dying. She is not my mother anymore but a husk of a person who can only lay in bed. Even in this condition, people sometimes criticize me for placing my mother. If I were looking after her, we all would be homeless, I would be divorced and never be able to support my own kids.

As people live longer, not because they are in good health but due to intensive medical and pharmaceutical interventions, this will continue. I know I don't want to live like my mother as it isn't living, it is only surviving.
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Hothouseflower Mar 2023
Yes, my parents are dying in tiny bits and pieces. A neighbor of my parents recently asked me how my parents were. I said as well as 94 y/o people could be. She replied that I was so lucky to still have them in my life. I flipped out and told her I hoped I was dead long before I reached this point and that there is a difference between being alive and living . I feel bad that I couldn’t reply that yes I felt lucky. But I just don’t. I won’t be grieving either of them by the time this is over, which will probably be years from now.
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