I have to be honest, I have it pretty good if we examine this picture as a whole. My dad passed away last year, my mother is financially stable, generally physically healthy with all of her faculties, and doesn't need much assistance.
I'm 40+, single, no kids, and live about 45 minutes away. My siblings all live out of state. As a result, I was tasked with the more physical aspects of caring for mom. I've helped with routine things my dad would have done: changing lightbulbs, moving boxes, flipping mattresses. Since I returned to my home, I now spend every Saturday afternoon with her. I offered, as she mentioned that she would miss cooking dinner for my dad. Except...
She doesn't really acknowledge that I'm doing this for her. I work a 40+ hour job during the week. I spend Saturdays with her, which means that anything that I want to do, for me personally, has to be done on Sunday. Grocery shopping, Sunday. Get the plumber to fix my routinely clogged sink, Sunday. Take my old dog to the vet for his 3 month check up due to kidney disease, Sunday. Some Sundays I barely want to leave the house. Every Friday Night I cringe at the thought of having to drive to my mothers.
Our relationship is ... superficial. She is prone to anxiety, though refuses to acknowledge it. She is judgmental and opinionated. She believes she's always right. She's defensive when you try to establish boundaries or express emotions she feels are unwarranted. She is not interested in my job, my dog, or anything that I enjoy doing. So, if I do talk to her about these things, I usually do it with the knowledge that she's just placating me until she can talk about what she wants to talk about.
She has a favorite. All of my siblings are aware of it. And I truly believe that I may be my mother's least favorite child. I don't think she dislikes me per se. But, I have no doubt that she would rather another child be the one she sees every week.
Anyway, all this is to say - that as the year has gone on, I've found myself managing expectations. I don't think my mother views my visits as something I'm doing for her. I think she assumes that I want to be there, that it is not a hardship or a challenge. Lately, as the world opens up, she has also assumed I can drive her to things (she won't drive anywhere over 45 minutes away). That I will take days off to take her to visit family. She doesn't ask if I can do it, she just states that she wants to do it. In some cases she could take a train or a car service, but she doesn't want to. Leaving me feeling selfish and anxious that I don't want to.
My emotional stamina is starting to crack. I feel very alone in managing not only these weekly visits that usually leave me feeling picked apart or frustrated, but these new responsibilities that bring up my own anxieties (I hate leaving my dog and cannot take him on road trips, I'm also a homebody and an introvert, so I prefer to keep get togethers short and sweet, rather days-long stuck alongside my mom the whole time)
I've read about people caring for their elderly parents for years (and with more significant issues) and the thought TERRIFIES me. I had a difficult time with depression and repression before my dad died and I know that if I continue down the road I'm on, I will lose myself.
I'm sorry, this feels like a petulant child yelling that no one understands them. Shouting that the sky is blue, when they want it to be turquoise. But, I had to get this off my chest and I can only share so much with my siblings, as it just makes them feel bad that they can't do much to help me.
You sound resigned to becoming a caregiver. You don't. Just because you live the closest doesn't mean you have to, or should, provide hands on care.
Don't feel like you have to apologize for your feelings, they are normal, natural, and to be expected.
Stay Strong :)
I feel your pain. You’re in a tough spot. I’m so sorry.
Be honest with her and tell her that you have sacrificed a great deal for her and some new arrangements are in order.
Groceries and just about everything else can be delivered these days.
Read the "narcissistc mother" thread; you may find some good company there. https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/caregiving-for-a-narcissistic-mother-do-we-do-it-out-of-love-or-out-of-years-of-guilt-and-programmin-463032.htm?orderby=recent
I never " visited" with my mom for an entire day. And yes, I lived 45 minutes away. Visits were 2 hours tops and that included a shopping trip to BBB or a haircut.
What is it your mom needs? Does she have a lawn service and snow removal set up? Handyman? House cleaner?
Has she considered downsizing to a different living situation like an Independent Living facility? Less cooking, no upkeep?
Don't announce boundaries. Just tell her that you're not coming this week. Or make an upcoming visit a shorter one (tell her in advance that you aren't coming or not staying to dinner--"I have other plans" is all you need to say).
Before buying this place I'm in now, I was about that far away. The route I used to get to work would take me near, so there were times I could swing by to "help" with something quick on my in to work or on my way home. Moving here made it about 1.5 hours. There was no intent to get farther away, it just was.
Anyway, I can't tell you how many times I've told people the MAX times I could spend with my mother was 4 hours, and that generally involved other people being there. Once it was less than 10 minutes! She wasn't too bad, at least for me, about "needing" something done. When we had to take the car away, it meant having to make more trips, to bring supplies and/or take her shopping for food. Although by this time I knew dementia was in play, it was very early stages and she lived alone, so there was a lot still "hidden." Having to do the grocery runs clued me in about the cooking, or lack thereof. Shriveled up veggies in the fridge, overabundance of chicken in the freezer, etc. Sometimes she would say she was out of something, like TP or paper towels, when in reality she stashed them away in the usual spot (spare BR closet) and then forgot they were there! Plastic wrap? I think I now have a lifetime supply! Aluminum foil? Yep, that too.
Never would have been able to stay for an entire day. The long drive sucked, but between limits in how long I could tolerate some of the nonsense AND having cats who need regular meals (no dry food for any cats here!), I couldn't stay all day. That made it hard to clear, clean and get repairs done when we moved her to MC too! Almost 2 years of my existence gone to that and selling it. By the time of closing, I said I NEVER want to see that place again! (it was not the "family home" for us, so there were no attachments to it, but spending so much time there, UGH!)
Cutting back on your visits will likely make her upset/angry. Good. Use the opportunity to tell her to seek guidance in the form of grief couseling or therapy to work out her unrealistic expectations that you will step into your father's role.
Be prepared for her to call up all your siblings to complain about how awful you are.
What is your mother's financial situation? Does being "financially stable" mean she can afford long-term care if necessary in a facility? She lives in her own house, correct? Or apartment or condo? (Is there house and yard maintenance?)
Barb is so right in that she sees mission creep coming. As your mother ages, she will need you more and more. I don't know how old your mother is (in her 70's?), but a decline can happen quickly. What happens then?
How far away is out of state for your siblings? You state that you have a superficial relationship with your mother; are their relationships with her any different?
Yes, you need to establish boundaries and there is no indication from your post that mom is ill or developing dementia. She sounds healthy. Help her to find senior groups to participate in. Maybe it is time to consider a senior living situation. She will need help, if not from you, what about a geriatric care manager.
Is she in a grief support group? Going to a therapist? With her getting involved in these groups her support base will, friends will increase, more people in her life to reduce her needs with only you to fulfill.
When he was in decent shape he'd want to go to lunch every three or four weeks. He just assumed I could take a 2 hour lunch from work. Had no idea I was taking vacation time for those lunches.
Then he gave up his car. He could still walk to stores but I would take him for a big grocery shopping every two weeks. How I dreaded that. He would do everything in his power to drag it out. This outing was a treat for him so he assumed it was a treat for me too. On occasion, I would take him to a doctor's appointment. At first, he respected my time and would ask when I could get off of work to take him. Then it morphed into him expecting me to take him to the same doctor twice in one day without any advanced notice. I fell for that twice then put my foot down. He was shocked but it needed to be done.
Your mom may not like boundaries but who cares? You helped her through a rough patch but now it is time for her to manage more on her own. Back off to twice a month Saturdays. She will be upset then she will either get over it or die mad. That is her choice.
You aren't the favorite...I'm an only child and I wasn't the favorite. My father adored his brother's 3 children. If one of them decided to visit he would cancel whatever lunch date we had in favor of a better offer....then assume I would reschedule right away.
You may not realize this but you are the one with all the power here. She needs you not the other way around. Start setting boundaries. What can she do to you? Stop doing things that she can do but doesn't feel like doing. My father would insist I do something for him because it was EASIER if I did it. Easier for him, not me. But I didn't count.
Elders love routine. So this is why she is so set with every Saturday. If by chance you had to stop by after work on a Tuesday she then expects every Tuesday too....because you did it once. My father was like that too.
Figure out what you are willing to do. Figure out how much time you are willing to give. And that is it. Are you close to siblings? Can you get them to at least call? When my father was driving me extra crazy I would ask a cousin to call him to help get him off of my back for a little bit.
Please nip this in the bud before it gets out of hand like so many on this board are dealing with. You were lucky to come here early before you are in too deep to get back out. I wish you well.
HAHAHAHAHA!
I'm one of 3, the only girl, but I've always said I'm not the daughter my mother wanted...
When my daughter was about 12, we were returning from something and going up the stairs. I was last in the line and overheard mom tell her that she's getting older now and she should start acting like a lady... ARRRRGH! After mom left, I told my daughter to just yes her to death and BE YOURSELF! I was more like a tom-boy, not the little "lady" mom wanted... Even to this day, when someone refers to me as "lady", I remind them that it's a 4 letter word...
Let other siblings know you aren't going to be doing this anymore. They may need to step in.
As to whether she thought you were doing this as a sacrifice or you just loved spending the Saturday afternoon with her, that really doesn't matter. You wanted to try to do it for the reason you gave. You cannot fit everything in anymore. You are a human being with limitations. You have just bumped up against the wall of them. Not everything can be made perfect. Wishing you good luck.
I don't consider myself selfish. I gave a lot of time to my parents with no complaint. But when I worked, my job was #1. Once she quit driving my Mom had to work around my work schedule. I worked p/t so was able to take a day week to take her shopping and run her errands. In between I would pick her up something she needed but when I was going out. She lived not far from me. Your Mom needs to realize that ur not Dad. That you are doing her a favor. And taking her to visit family, just tell her thats not going to happen. That you work 40+ hours and when you aren't working you are doing things that need to be done.
She needs to learn to ask not assume. If the train is the option to visit family then she uses the train. You set the boundries and stick by them. Once you relent, she then feels she is in control. If she gets mad, so be it. She needs u more than you need her. Keep telling yourself that. Maybe you can get down to one Sunday a month for an afternoon.😊 And if you have plans with friends, sorry Mom can't make it.
One brother and I lived 45 minutes away; another brother was 4 hours away.
Dad died from Leukemia when mom was 74.
Mom had gone back to school for her BA when she was 62, taking one course a semester due to her caregiving. When dad died, she started taking more classs.
She was active in her church. She exercised and swam every week.
She hired a lawn service, a snow removal service and a housekeeping service that came 4 times a year to do a deep clean.
She organized her closets.
She kept a list on her kitchen table, one for each of us, with little things she needed done or wanted to discuss with us when we were there.
There was NO expectation that we would visit on any kind of regular basis.
(Mom got her BS in Behavioral Science when she was 82. Summa cum Laude).
Mom's needs did not increase until she was 88. At that time, when the job of managing her anxieties became too much for us (we all worked) we told her straight out that this arrangement no longer worked for us and that she would have to relocate someplace where there was more care built into the situation. We found her a lovely Independent Living Facility where she thrived until she had a stroke at 90. She lived contentedly in NH for another 4 1/2 years.
Your mother has no right whatsoever to have these "expectations" of you.
Let your mother take a train of car service. By doing for her constantly you are limiting her learning to be more independent - whether she wants to or not.
Not everyone is cut out to be a day to day caregiver. With my family dynamics being what they are I wouldn't even attempt it. My husband was born without a filter in his brain and so whatever goes into his brain comes out of his mouth. It would drive my mother crazy and I'd be in the middle and a wreck. My father when he was alive, like my husband always have to be right. Can you imagine that in a household?
I will be forever grateful that my parents didn't want my brother or I to have day to day care of them. They moved into IL in a CCC and when dad kept falling and couldn't get himself up, the moved to AL; at the end of dad's life he moved to SNF. I was still there for them and tried to make sure all their needs were and mom's needs are still met.
You and your siblings should get together and discuss what the future holds for your mother and how to meet her future needs.
My best to you.
My brother gave me his full support. Told me that my response was completely appropriate. Agreed that my mom taking a train would give her independence.
In any event, I almost wish the things she really needed from me were grocery shopping or lightbulb changes. But, what she truly relies on me for (and inadvertently or not guilts me in to) is managing her anxieties. This is made more difficult as she has never admitted to having an issue with anxiety, though it is abundantly clear that she does, has had it for years and it's become the family's responsibility to to ease her triggers. These days, that means she's never really taken the train, so she wants me to drive her. She's scared of missing my dad, so I offered to do Saturday dinner. Those are the big ones, but there are many, many smaller examples that on the surface seem benign, but have started to wear on me.
Still, I know that I don't know myself well enough to say whether I'm not taking her because I'm tired or lazy or busy or stubborn or all of the above. It may not matter. But, it would make me feel better if I believed that I was doing this for my wellbeing and not because I'm a lazy, selfish git.
If you give your all to your mom, you will have nothing for you - so find a balance that suits you. Your mom is still responsible for her life as you are responsible for your life.
One solution to the train might be - when or if you want to - take the first train trip with her.
Can you do something like that for your mom? “Here is the list of things you need done and how long it takes to do each task. I can be here for X hours each week, on this day of the week, so I’m not going to be able to do it all. Let’s sit down and rank these in order of importance, and see what fits into the available time, and what gets left out for now. Or, we can talk about finding some other way to accomplish some tasks...like curbside pickup or home delivery of groceries you order, using Uber or the train, or getting someone to come in on a regular schedule to help.” This is a great way for the out of town kids to help...they can’t be there in person, but they can contribute money to pay for grocery delivery, lawn care, cleaning service, etc.
After you work through that and get the system going, it will be time to bring up the next list. At some point, mom is going to need more care than you can give. There are many options. Assisted living. Live-in help. In home assistance now and then. As time goes on, more help will be needed and that needs to be planned out, too. You won’t be able to do it. What are her assets, and how much help will she be able to afford? It takes time to find good assisted living places and good help. Let’s figure out the budget so you will feel secure that you will always be safe and protected and cared for. Durable POA, living will, all those things can be tools.
Of course it might not work. My parents always planned to go to a particular place when the time came. But the time never came. They admitted they just wanted to stay where they were. I told them they were in assisted living, it was just the kids doing the assisting. Which my mom started repeating everywhere and saying how lucky they were. I backed off. There were some things I would do, but I wasn’t available to cut the grass, plant the garden, fix the broken concrete. I did do some things but mostly visited. They had some savings and owned their house outright. They can hire someone to cut grass. Which they can’t bear to do because they want to leave money to the kids. I got a lot of flack for not doing my share from the siblings. Sorry, the parents get to make their own life choices and I get to make mine, and none of the choices involved me doing regular work there.
Maybe just having a plan will reduce your mother’s anxiety, knowing that things are taken care of and she doesn’t have to stress about needing to ask for more and more help. I hope you find a way to negotiate a workable solution for everyone involved.
About anxiety. THAT'S what started making us crazy sbout my mom ( She was 88).
To make a very long story short, after we got her to Independent Living, it took the on-site geriatrician 2 visits to send her to a geriatric psychiatrist. It took HER one visit to call me and insist that my mom have a complete cognitive workup.
It turns out that Mom had had a stroke, resulting in Mild Cognitive Impairment. She had the reasoning abilities of a 6 year old.
The only symptom that we saw was anxiety. Her regular doctor had said she wss "fine". She was anything but.
Your mother and your siblings are wrong to expect you to make the weekly sacrifice of your time for a thankless job. And then additionally expect you to take time off from work to drive her places?
There would be nothing wrong with having the conversation “Mom I have been here every Saturday for (this period of time). This is no longer working for me.” Then tell her what you CAN provide. Such as, “I can come every six weeks if you need me to be here.” And tell your siblings too. You may get blow back and you might find yourself feeling selfish but you are not wrong in setting boundaries.
Start visiting once a month instead of once a week.
Donce ever go out of town and leave your poor dog.
Your mom can take public transportation to visit relatives and stay as long as she likes.
The family can also come and visit her once in a while.
Have groceries delivered and save yourself the trip.
Thints will be a lot better with the once a month visit.
Whe your mom gets too old to live by herself, she can go live in a Senior Apartment and as she progresses she can go to a Senior Home.
Let everyone know before hand that mom won't be living with you but they are all welcome to have her go live with them, especially her favorite one.
I agree with the idea of just not going as often. Basic physical distancing. It will acomplish two things at once: you will not be exposed to her attitude and you will have time to "enjoy. something that makes you fell good.
I think that you have a clear idea of what are her needs and what are her wishes. I believe that this is a great base to start focusing on the "yes I accept to do" and the "I don't have to do" .
I'll share great advice I got from a wonderful social workermany years ago. Once, after my dad got out of hospital ( mom has Alzheimer) , I slept at their house ( was still working full time). After a few days, when the social worker visited again to see the progress dad was making she told me that I would be sleeping at my house that night. When I expressed my hesisation to leave so soon, she told me : " It is not perfect but it is ok. You need to rest . Things will heat up again someday and when that happens you will need to be able to cope with it. Get rest while you can.
If when she is so independent you burn yourself out...
On a long road, two questions are important : where am I right now and in what direction am I heading.
It seems that your siblings are surviving well with not doing much...They can keep her company on the phone or Facetime on Saturdays... They can even do online groceries for her. A cousin of mine dit it from another country for his dad .
It doesn't have to be an all or nothing thing from your side, It must not be either from your mothers side.
Take care, it is a marathon, we can't be sprinting all the time.
Since I never had kids, I was never given a manual on how to raise children (no one was). You weren’t given a manual on how to assume care for your mother. Do the best you can, and at the end of the day realize that you are doing what you should to care for your mother.
In the beginning when you tell her you can't come on a Sunday, suggest other ways to get done what she wants done. Find a neighbor who can do the little things for her - lightbulbs, etc. There may be a teen living quite close to her that would love to make a few bucks.
If you think another sibling is the golden child, consider this: Often the parent wants to see the other children and will discuss any and everything with them to try to get them involved. My siblings call me the golden child. I just happen to be the one who became her caregiver. They have no idea how much I listen to her trying to include them in decisions I am capable of making (and I do make the decisions). I get along better with her because I don't argue about everything. I choose my battles with her and others around me. They jump in with both feet. It's just the personality of each person. From my perspective, she just wants all of my siblings to be involved with her more than they are. They think everything is rosey all the time because they refer to me as 'the favorite'. Perhaps they just use that as justification for not being here more often - well, mom has her 'favorite' with her so it's ok that I don't go.
When you can, you might try talking to mom about independent or assisted living nearer to you. She wouldn't have a house to maintain and others are close by to see to her needs. Put it to her in a way that as YOU get older and needs of your job, it gets harder to for YOU to handle her needs. YOU feel bad that you are making quick runs to handle a need instead of being able to visit and enjoy each others company. She has money, use it for her needs. Let her know people can be hired to come in weekly, several times a week, to help her out and make sure she's ok when you can't be there.
You do not need to accommodate her by taking her on road trips. If she cannot figure out a way to travel independently, she doesn't get to go.
Given that your mother is relatively healthy and financially stable, she can hire more house-chore help or travel assistance when she needs it. It is presumptuous and manipulative of her to assume you want to be at her service..
Talk with your siblings and figure out who is going to do what. Who will order the online groceries (so much for the trip to the grocery store)? Does she need a cleaning service? A handyman to change the lightbulbs, do minor repairs and maintenance around the house? That doesn't mean that you cut out all contact with her or that you can't change the occasional light bulb but it does mean that you are not accepting this as your role. You have to love and care for yourself first but sometimes you have to be stronger than you ever realized you could be.
Peace and good wishes to you on your journey.
My daughter was killed in a car accident some 19 yrs ago and my sone lives 500 miles away. He visits about 3 times a year and does what he can. Luckily I have a loving son in law and his new wife is an angel. They both willingly help with whatever I need but I don’t want to burden them by asking for ever little thing. I have three loving grandchildren who help with lots of things that I need an extra set of hands with. They kind of take their Mother’s place.
That being said your Mother should be grateful that she has you to help with things she cannot do herself. I know I am gratefulI for all those who help me. I have learned to ask for what I need done but never take anyone for granted.
In my case, I had extreme extenuating circumstances as to why I ‘jumped in’ to rescue my mom. She essentially became homeless overnight, due to a horrific hurricane. All I could think of was to comfort my mom. She survived with nothing more than the clothes on her back and the few things that she packed to evacuate to Texas. It didn’t even occur to me to make it a temporary situation. I was operating on autopilot, working towards survival mode. Lots of people weren’t as fortunate and died in Katrina.
I believe in some situations, that we don’t have a clue as to what we got ourselves into. I know that I didn’t.
My mom was always independent like my grandmother, after grandpa died. Grandma was fortunate to be healthy enough to do that and she simply died of natural causes. There was no suffering. We should all be so blessed!
Mom wished to remain in her own home for as long as possible after daddy died. I respected her wishes. She got her wish for five years until hurricane Katrina hit.
Losing my childhood home was an emotional time. No one could have prepared themselves for a situation that was so unexpected. Of course, growing up in New Orleans, one is accustomed to hurricanes, but Katrina was a totally different kind of storm. The city was destroyed because of the levees breaking, as well as an incredibly powerful storm.
I also felt like it would be easier having mom live with us, so I didn’t have to go back and forth to her house all of the time. We can be very naive navigating through this process.
I had no frame of reference to go on. Mom hadn’t cared for her mom. My dad’s parents were dead before I was born so I hadn’t seen anyone go through hard times in caregiving. I thought that I could easily handle it.
People don’t always tell others if things are going badly in caregiving situations. They ‘grin and bear it.’ Most of us were taught not to ‘air dirty laundry’ in public. Lots of caregivers suffer in silence until they hit a breaking point.
I also truly feel that some parents don’t know how they feel. All I know, is that in my case, my mother hated being a burden on anyone. Yet, she had fear of being without me because I created a codependent relationship by ‘taking care of’ everything for her. It becomes a complex situation and takes time to figure it all out. Thank God for therapy and forums like this one. I think that I would have ended up in a loony bin without guidance from objective outsiders.
Oh, at the time I felt that I wouldn’t be a ‘good’ daughter had I not done all that I possibly could myself. You see, I had promised my dad on his deathbed that I would always care for her. I didn’t know that I didn’t have to do the ‘hands on’ caregiving. I saw myself as a failure when I could no longer cope. I wasn’t a failure because I didn’t have super powers to do it all, be a wife, mom and caregiver all at the same time!
It’s really hard because we start to miss the life that we had before caregiving. Even if we do share our feelings with others. Most of the time, people who aren’t caregivers don’t understand and we end up feeling worse than if we kept it to ourselves. We all have unique experiences in caregiving. So, there is never a ‘one size fits all’ solution.
My mom was eventually placed in a hospice house where she recently died. She received excellent care. If we do research and find the very best care available, that is not only sufficient but it truly is the best solution for everyone, the parent is cared for by a professional staff, we can visit as daughters or sons and be strong advocates.
So many caregivers feel that everything falls on their shoulders alone. That attitude nearly killed me! Caregivers need empathy and guidance. I thank everyone on this forum for helping me and others in their time of need.
I share the same situation with you as being the least favorite child but do the lion's share of the work. My sister had Covid and is a long hauler. Many health issues. Mom and I have never been close and her personality has always been narcissistic .
Don't beat yourself up as someone said below. Learn to set some boundaries and visit when you can. You are entitled to a full life also. I have found that many of my mom's needs can be completed online with delivery. Her prescriptions and household needs including groceries are delivered. My mom has a PT private sitter who assists with personal care as well as housework and other chores 4 evenings a week. Mom is 84, fairly good health, mild dementia, bad knees. Oh and most of the time she refuses to walk or do her much needed exercises. We have done many cycles of physical therapy through home health.
Originally mom did not want a sitter but she has grown to love the one she has.
Maybe start out slow with one half day a week and see how it goes.