I am the fiduciary for my father. I do nearly everything and have for the past five years. The last thing I received from my parents was $500 when I finished graduate school (which I paid for myself) 30 years ago. My sibling is an entirely different story. My parents have paid for schooling for them, their children, vacations, entertainment, etc. My sibling is the greediest person I've ever met and their motto seems to be, "why pay for something myself when I can get someone else to pay for it?" even though they have plenty of money to live a nice life. For example, they have retired 10 years early and are planning a vacation in excess of six figures.
Once again, they are demanding that I share my father's financial situation and essentially audit my oversight of his finances. I am not inclined to subject myself to this scrutiny and can only see the motivation as greed in anticipation of future payout. I am sick to death of this person and the stress and anxiety they cause for me. I'm inclined to say, "pound sand." I'm insulted. I fear I may have to cut them out of my life.
I anticipate my father will have enough to cover his care, but I am not God. He is 89. What shall I say to my sibling? I want to draw a clear line and have this nonsense STOP. I have had an attorney involved in drawing up a trust. I am happy to have the attorney see all of my work. But I am not going to bow to my sibling's demands and want to make that clear.
I have posted on here before. I’m caring for my 87 yo father in our home. I have two siblings, a brother and a sister, who I wouldn’t see twice a year. They never visit our father but are quite happy to let me do all the work.
Sadly, my sister and I were very close but recent events have changed that drastically due to heated arguments and terrible things that were said by both of us. We apologised to each other eventually. but I doubt if either of us meant it. The damage is done. Basically, she is calling the shots, even though she is not POA, and refuses to allow us to put him into care. My husband even tried to reason with her but all she cares about is money and what she wants when our father dies.
Oh yes, she’s made all sorts of empty promises to come down to visit, and do this and that. But she’s done nothing except make me feel bad about how I care for Dad. She even said that I’m living off my husband, which is just bs, as he doesn’t support me financially, We share expenses. I’m finding it very hard not to hate her. I never thought that I would say that about my sister but I cringe every time she rings. I just dread talking to her now. It’s now reached the stage where I feel like an only child.
I have a half-brother who is younger than me who lives back East and is a surgeon doctor, and his wife does not allow contact with any of us 6 half-siblings, no exceptions. I just wanted to know how he is doing in Alabama after severe toronados, never to look for money from my Late Dad's or Step-Mom's estate or other financial inheritance that his wife appears to say, according to one of my siblings, who himself plus spouse was cut off from all contact 9 years ago after my father passed away.
Unfortunately, my disentagrated family functions date back over 60 years ago. So sad and confusing. I am seeking professional counsel after learning that no information was shared with any of us step-children after my step-mother passed away nearly three years ago. Her Name was engraved under my father's name of his grave's headstone where I often visit him near my home out of respect since he divorced my mother in 1956. Love is unconditional, but some people just don't get it. Money is only a label and not love by itself. Place value where the money is!
But I digress.
I suggest that you get siblings and spouses and anyone over 18, and anyone your Dad gave "gifts" to, in a room and tell them that your father can no longer give them financial gifts since he needs the money to live the rest of his life. Answer questions that they have and repeat that line of "One of my responsibilities as fiduciary is to maintain confidentiality. Best to contact dad's attorney. He can help alleviate your concerns.” No need to share financials. Don't do it one-on-one, do it as a group so that they don't think they are being told something different than the others.
Are you still going to give them birthday money and/or Christmas and/or special occasion money (if he did that)? My opinion is that you continue it, however, in an amount that is more friendly to the budget.
Are there any outstanding loans to these people? If so, you need to figure out whether they will need to pay your Dad back or release them from the debt.
Did your Dad promise anyone money if they hit a milestone? Decide how you are going to deal with it and state it up front.
Does he have any 529 money earmarked for someone? You will need to decide what to do with that. I understand that there were some changes in the law regarding 529 plans effective Jan 1, 2023 that might help out your Dad.
Also come up with a standard answer that you are going to use whenever they ask for money. It can be as simple as "Dad needs all his money for his care" and "One of my responsibilities as fiduciary is to maintain confidentiality.” After you say it about 10-15 times, it will be easier for you to say.
My Mom keeps on wanting to give her money away because she thinks she has more than enough money to live out her life. My standard answer to her and anyone who asks is "she has just enough money to live on, right now". If they ask for more detail, I just repeat "she has just enough money to live on, right now".
Good luck to you.
P.S. I sure hope my Mom doesn't outlive her money....
There's no harm in giving sibling a rough balance about 2x a year. It won't change the amount you spend on dad from his own money for his medical and personal needs. You should already be keeping records of large expenses in the event you had to apply for Medicaid (in TExas they look back 5 years). Just send him a balance before he asks for it and prevent the prickle effect he has on you.
A lesson my best friend taught me about getting everything for free, "Be the squeaky wheel." My mother taught me to never ask for anything and so, I never got anything....................my girlfriend was gifted amazing things and took everything for granted: then she married a poor guy.
This person has been entitled and self-absorbed their entire life. I am not inclined to subject myself to their audit, nor do I feel obligated to gather/copy records for them. My bookkeeping is pretty methodical— I haven’t kept every receipt, but I do have a spreadsheet that ticks and ties to the penny. All of dad’s finances are separate. I do not pay myself, save for an occasional tank of gas (verbal agreement with dad). Dad is about 4 hours round trip drive away.
In the interest of being somewhat civil, I did say — “One of my responsibilities as fiduciary is to maintain confidentiality. Best to contact dad's attorney. He can help alleviate your concerns.” Cue intensified rage, to which I replied, “My records are very transparent... and legal. Blocking you until you've had a chance to calm down.” Unfortunately, this may have to be permanent. Sad, but this person is taking up way too much headspace and is starting to affect my physical health. If they weren’t a sibling, we would never be friends. I really don’t care for them and haven’t for a very long time.
Do your best to put this behind you. You mentioned that it is starting to affect your health. Please don’t allow your sibling to rob you of your health. They aren’t worth that.
Best wishes to you.
And yes, I pay myself when I need to. Such as when I have to travel to see him and spend a few weeks with him and therefore can’t work. If my brother has an issue with that, he can pound sand.
You bring up a very good point! My brothers and I knew that our mother had LTC insurance and a quite sizable trust.
No one really knows about my mil. She complains about paying bills and taxes on two properties. Supposedly she has willed one property to her one unmarried daughter. She has a life estate on the other one, with the five sibs owning it with right of survivorship (a future nightmare).
She made one D executrix of her estate, with the other being backup. They refuse to look at any paperwork, because it upsets them to think their mother might die someday (she will be 90 this summer).
She has stated she will be carried out of her house, which must mean no facility for her. She lives by herself in an old house with not-to-code-anymore too steep staircase (cluttered with stuff), and only a half-bath downstairs. She has mobility issues.
She spent plenty of an unexpected inheritance on worldwide travel. I will kick up a huge fuss if H is asked to give her money for in-home help or anything like that.
Join the Club honey! These things go on in all families. I don't care what nationality you are. I agree with others--all you have to do is keep good records.
For example, I have shared this before on the forum and it's simple.
Notebook, envelopes, all of from the Dollar Store. Keep your money separate apart from your loved one--and never the two shall meet.
Whatever you buy with Dad's money, you get a receipt put it an envelope marked "January 2023" debit and checking account entries. Basically, you want a paper trail even if you use a debit card for coffee/donut or if you take cash out of the ATM get a receipt or document what the cash was used for.
Every morning you go online and "daily" takes 2-3 minutes you check off which checks entries have cleared in the notebook. The teeny-tiny (is that a word?) checkbook ledger the banks give out, don't use. Use a bright colorful notebook, keep in the desk, same place, so at anytime both dad and siblings can look at it.
If there is an error of any sought your daily morning routine will catch it. Do not put any debit cards online for purchases, only credit cards because there is so many identify theft.
Each month the credit card is paid off in full with no balance (if you are able to do that).
I know it's a slap in the face when you are questioned about finances. My family is not the Loreal Foundation where there is a stash of cash lying around after Mom passes. We are average people, God-fearing parents, Mom was home full-time, dad a wonderful provider. The $$$ went for 4 kids--college, braces, weddings, they bought Ethan Allen furniture "once" and held onto it.
Bottom line--when Mom passes it's not like I'm going to clean up financially. The Assisted Livings are real estate and we are not in that financial circle.
If they were in the trenches rolling up their sleeves, helping you out you wouldn't mind but Lincoln freed the slaves.
I always thought she didn't like me much, and I outright asked her once, but she denied it. After she passed, I asked a close friend of hers, and she told me my step-mother was always jealous of me, as I was so independent and made my own way (true).
My half-sister, though she received money from her mom is not the entitled type. She legitimately was going through tough times for a while. She is a hard working, responsible mom, and surprisingly well adjusted considering what she was put through with my half brother growing up....my half-brother is another matter...he's a piece of work...stole from, threatened to kill both of his parents, abused his entire family (parents and sibling [I am ~10 years older, so never lived with them]) and even beat my dad up when he was only an early teen (he was a big kid)...I only found out about all of the abuse at home during this last year. My dad (the last to pass) wrote his son out of his will, siting the above.
I've done the lion's share of cleaning up his local (3+ hours from me) properties, but my half-sister (who lives much further away, in another state) has really pitched in where she could as well with phone calls, talking to doctors, making arrangements, even driving with her daughter to a neighboring state for a week to clean up their snow bird properties (working with her mom's friend, who was local there). Both my step-mother and my dad were hoarders, big time.
My dad put me and my half-sister on all his accounts as beneficiaries and we will be splitting everything equally, but for expenses (which include my time when I am on site cleaning, gas to/from and costs for taking on their elderly dog's care). I share ocassional financial info with my half-sister, who has repeatedly stated that she trusts me implicitly. I feel only slightly guilty about my half-brother, but he's made his own bed so it's time for him to lie in it. He knows our dad passed (only because he learned second hand from a different relative), but my half-sister and I are strictly hands off with him, as he has that history of violence (and has a couple of felony charges for wife abuse and stalking). After all of the properties are settled I'll likely have an attorney send him a copy of the will and maybe a memento or two, but nothing until then....and no money, per my dad's wishes.
Neither my sister nor I were expecting anything financial from my dad....we both were planning on using all of his money for his care....he just unfortunately went down hill faster than we thought he would. I was hoping he would last 2 or 3 more years, but it was not to be.
I was the primary POA and she was the secondary. We were so lucky to have each other for support through all of this. It was still crazy, stressful, and sometimes we wanted to walk away (but didn't!) when he got so stubborn, but thank God we had each other for support.
Sad that my half-brother turned out the way he did...he lived a lot closer to our dad and could have been a great help, but due to his lifelong history of abuse, we didn't even consider asking him for anything.
I have my own mom yet to deal with, and as an only child of an always narcissistic mother, that's a whole 'nother topic. LOL
Do you have to be involved with your sibling? If you don’t, then I think that I would focus my attention on your dad.
You don’t owe any explanation to your sibling.
Best wishes to you and your father.
I’m in a situation where I can’t drive because of poor vision, and most jobs that I’m qualified for, ask for a driver’s license. I get $12k a year from a previous job converted to pension. My allowance for looking after my demented father is $200 per fortnight. This is from my brother(POA)who earns $200+K a year and gets to go on vacations all over the world. My sister is married to a defense attorney who gives her bugger all to live on, she doesn’t get much to live on either in her 3 day a week jobs. He gambles their savings in the stock exchange.
As a matter of fact to share information might be a violation of your fiduciary duties.
They can consult an attorney on this matter but I think if you have cleared it with the attorney that is working on the Trust for your dad that is all that needs to be done.
Make it very clear, through your attorney that if they consult an attorney, if this goes to court the will pay ALL court costs plus fees that your attorney charges you.
Or
Simply ignore phone calls, texts, email about this subject. (simplest and less expensive option in my opinion.)
HOWEVER you do not need, and indeed in most case SHOULD NOT present them to anyone else including siblings. You are to keep your parent's financial business private as that parent would have the right to keep his or her own business dealings and finances private were he or she capable.
Please see an elder law attorney or a trust and estate attorney so that you fully understand the rules and regulations, the rights and the duties of being whatever sort of Fiduciary the parent assigned you to be when he or she was well, or whatever sort of fiduciary the courts assigned you when the parent became unable to act for him or herself.
If any sibling or anyone ELSE wants to know ANYTHING, has a suspicion you are not legally doing your duty for the parents, he or she is able to hire an attorney and bring a suit for breach of fiduciary duty before that court. At that time you will present all of your records.
Until then, as Handel on the Law would say, tell them to go "pound sand".