Follow
Share

We lost my 89 year old father last month. My 85 year old mother has dementia (but thinks she's fine). My sister and I live out of state but plan to visit every few weeks. We've increased the in home care from 4 hours 3 days per week to 5 days (with the goal of 7 days). The stove has been turned off. My mother uses a walker and we have cameras throughout the condo. However, the neighbors continue to let us (and the nurse) know that they aren't comfortable with this arrangement. And especially, that my mother is left alone at night. (I check frequently and she is either doing a puzzle, watching TV or reading before putting herself to bed). One couple has already sent a letter to the head of the condo association. This arrangement has only been in place 1 week and so far, I think it's going as well as could be expected. However, I am concerned that one of these neighbors will call someone on my mother which will create a much more serious problem for us. We are looking into assisted living but it takes time to make that happen. The constant "advice" and expressions of concern are only making a very difficult situation more stressful and anxiety filled. Any advice on how to deal with the neighbors?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
i think it’s good u have ppl checking and seeing what’s going on in there community. That’s what u call protection. Apparently there seeing more than the daughters. The daughters may already know and don’t want to deal with it. Now they have fire on their u know what Bc they have complainers now they gotta get busy finding mom somewhere to go. They should have befriended one or two neighbors and the nurse of course just in case ish hits the fan they can extra help someone could ran over there if it’s an ent until they get things in place
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

First, I would like to say I’m sorry for ur loss. I’m sad for mom that she’s there alone at night. Suppose she goes out at some ungodly hour when u or ur sister r not watching the cameras. It’s sad how we just live our lives and leave our parents to fight on there own. I know u 2 r doing the best u can. But can u guys have mom live closer to u 2 temporarily and get her a place near u guys or she live with one of u guys. They did sacrificed and help us get to where we at today. The neighbors r right. They r afraid for her and for themselves. Maybe if ur so concerned about what they say tell them ur plans and or see if they have any ideas or a trust worthy person whom can stay with her over night until u guys can come and get her. I think it would be best because things could turn out worse. If the stove is off what kinds of food is she eating? I’m praying 🙏🏽 u ask God for guidance. Take care of mom the best u 2 can but make sure she’s near so no one takes advantage. Make sure u have an elder lawyer before signing over over to reside anywhere other than living with either of the 2 of u. God Bless.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I'm sometimes wonder why threads such as this continue to attract so many comments, it's been almost 2 weeks and as far as I can tell the OP has not been heard from beyond posting the original question 🤔
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
gladimhere Jan 2022
Completely agree. Especially new posters and make me wonder what the heck are they thinking!
(2)
Report
It’s fairly clear from the range of answers that no-one on the site is in a position to know the facts. Perhaps you and your sister have organised everything to be as safe as possible, and the neighbors are just being nosy. Or perhaps you and your sister are kidding yourselves about things being OK, and the neighbours should be praised for their involvement.

If you want an independent assessment, options include contacting APS yourselves, or speaking to a care manager. If you want to improve Condo relationships, letting all the neighbors know exactly what is going on would help (including that you are being contacted by X and Y with criticisms). If you want to stand by your own judgement, do just that. It might also help to find out (eg from Condo management?) how many neighbors are involved and what their past behavior has been like. Two neighbors with reputations as busy-bodies is a different issue from many concerns from sensible people.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

How many facilities have you identified that would accept your mother. Have you even looked at facilities close to you yet? What about close to your sis? Do you watch the cameras all day?

Your mom should not be left alone and especially not be spending nights alone. Anything can happen. It is not the neighbor's job to keep an eye on mom, though it is good that they are and report to you.

One of them could call APS and you and sis get in some trouble for not getting mom the care she needs. Decide who she is going to live closer to and get off your back sides and get mom the care she needs before something terrible happens.

A geriatric care manager or even A Place For Mom can help you. Just do something.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
BarbBrooklyn Jan 2022
I would be grateful to have neighbors like this (and I do).
(3)
Report
See 1 more reply
Some people, particularly in elderly communities have way too much time on their hands.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

It sounds like you and your sister are fine with how Mom is in the short term.

Next time you are in town introduce yourself to the immediate neighbors and pass out your name and phone number.

If they express concern mention that you have caregivers hired and are doing remote monitoring and that you just lost your Dad and Mom just lost her husband.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

For the record, I believe 'late model car' is a newer car, 'of the latest model', but correct me if I'm wrong; junky older cars may not be aesthetically pleasing for onlookers but they are simply transportation and nobody's business; some folks prefer older cars for their reliability. As for caregivers of any ethnic/racial background making neighbors worried is just fretting. If that is the biggest worry of these 'neighbors' maybe give them a list of the caregivers and their vehicles so they are 'sanctioned' to be there; even have them introduce themselves, be 'neighborly' as an extension of your mom's household, which they are. If these neighbors are concerned for your mom's actual welfare, I agree with most of the replies: thank them, assure them you're on top of things, and encourage them to contact you directly IF something is truly urgent. Try to find out who of these neighbors are actually friends, if any, and engage them as nearby 'eyes and ears' that you trust for input as needed, for your mom's wellbeing as well as nipping 'gossip' in the bud.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

MJ1929,

The answer to your question on this thread about the neighbors being ignored is:

YES. They should be ignored and so should their "concerns". I'd be willing to bet that the poster and her sister didn't discuss the safety measures they've taken for their mother, or the status of her homecare aide service, or any other arrangements they've made for their mother with them or the rest of the community. It being none of their business and all. This being said most of their "concern" is speculation and based on their opinion about the situation.
If these people were truly concerned, instead of calling APS and snitching to every nurse and social worker they see, these people would talk to poster and her sister. They would ask what they can do to help if they were truly concerned for the mother's welfare and safety. None of the neighbors are doing that though.
What's more likely going on is there's a lot of elderly "Karens" living in the mother's neighborhood who have nothing better to do with their time than watch who comes and goes from their neighbor's house and to voice their "concerns" to whoever will listen.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Only you and your Mom's own doctor know how severe your Mom's dementia is. This means, given all you know, you are responsible for making the best decision you can. I am assuming that your Mother does not wander. However, it is important to know that this may change and it may change suddenly and unexpectedly. I appear to be a long wolf on this thread worrying about those hours that your Mom is alone. But as I said, only YOU know the severity of your Mom's dementia. While my brother was diagnosed with probable early Lewy's dementia he did NOT wander and was overall quite rational. However, problems of balance especially, along with some hallucinations, stronger at nighttime, he decided himself that ALF was best, even though his rehab facility thought that with good daily support and delivered meals he could for some time remain alone. Your Mom's case is as individual to her as her own thumbprint. I trust that you speak with her and her caregivers on a daily basis, and I see that you are working toward assisted living.
In the meanwhile I am not surprised her neighbors are worried. Were I to have a neighbor deemed so compromised that the gas was turned off, I would be concerned myself when she was alone. That is likely my "old nurse" persona kicking in. If you are annoyed I would inform them of your plans as you informed us and tell them that you appreciate their concern and are doing both what you feel is best for Mom. They have your phone number I must assume as they are bothering you on it.
The condo may well step in and speak with you. Once INFORMED of a concern they become thereby responsible under the law in some circumstances. I frankly think it would be negligent on their part once informed not to discuss the case directly with you.
I am sorry you are all going through this.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
GAinPA Jan 2022
Gas turned off? Maybe it is an electric stove. Anyway, does she really need a stove? Most people can get by with a microwave or delivered meals on wheels.
(1)
Report
How about if you and your sister pay these neighbors a visit and tell these nosy, self-righteous tools that they can start spending their nights staying at your mother's if they're so very concerned.
I would ask you how it is that they all know exactly what your mother's care arrangements are. Why do these neighbors know her business? Is she wandering around the condo complex at night out of her mind from dementia? If not then why would the neighbors think her care is inadequate?
You need to have a talk with these neighbors and tell them to mind their own business because your mother is managing.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
KimberlyO Jan 2022
Your answers for many questions tend toward the negative. As you are "burnt out", please ask yourself if you need to put in your 2 cents.
(1)
Report
See 1 more reply
I think the fact that they reacted right after dad's death means that they've been concerned all along.

You know that statistic about 35% of all caregivers dying before the person they are caring for? I think we have a good example right here.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
notgoodenough Jan 2022
Also, the OP has no idea what dad had told the neighbors in the past in regards to his wife's health.

Even a passing comment such as " I think/I'm afraid we'll be at the point soon where I can't leave her alone anymore..." inserted into a conversation could have started this concern over mom. It could very well be that dad used the neighbors as a sounding board - much like many of us use this forum as such - because he didn't want to "burden" his daughters with his troubles and concerns over caring for his wife.
(1)
Report
This new 'APS' culture is unwarranted, unwelcome, and irrelevant.
The whole idea that we need not only neighbors and strangers, but a quazi-police organization to add 'additional incentive' to care for our loved ones in accordance to an arbitrary impersonal standard, is surely just a passing fad.

Do not let the uninformed opinions of strangers scare you. Don't let society bully you, and as a result, your mother.

But also, obviously, take necessary precautions.

I strongly disagree with other posters sympathizing with your neighbors.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
MJ1929 Jan 2022
So, if the neighbors are sincerely concerned because they see issues and want her to be safe, they should be ignored?

Got it.
(1)
Report
See 2 more replies
Jaz,

My guess is the neighbors don't like non residents coming into the neighborhood. They may not like the "class" of caregivers coming into work.

I'd ignore the neighbors.

It is ridiculous they wrote the condo association less than one week after your Dad's death.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
MJ1929 Jan 2022
Keep your responses down to a single one rather than repeating the same thought in multiple responses.
(1)
Report
Jaz,

I live in Florida by the way. There are tons of 85 year olds living alone in Florida.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
cherokeegrrl54 Jan 2022
I live in central Florida also, and in our IL complex we have a lot of 80-95 yr olds that live alone. Some have personal care aids that come in and do their laundry, chk bp and any health issues.
(0)
Report
Your neighbors are nut jobs.

It sounds like your mother is capable of putting herself to bed safely.

I'm sorry for your loss. It sounds like you are doing what you can do to keep Mom functioning.

For at least 7 years I heard from people that someone should overnight with my parents. My sister and I ignored that. My Dad did not want someone overnighting with them.

We started out with limited care for Mom. It worked fine.

Understand many neighborhoods don't like people of certain races driving in with late model cars. We definitely encountered this with Mom's neighbors. No one said anything directly but
I definitely picked up the racist vibe.

It sounds like you are doing what you should be doing now.

Ignore the neighbors. IGnore, Ignore.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

It sounds like you have caregivers coming in several times a week.

My experience with neighbors is they did not like the "type" of people we had
coming in doing caregiving and the neighbors did not like the additional cars and
traffic from the caregivers. We had people driving into work in late model cars
trying to make an honest living.

We also started out with limited hours of caregiving. It was the right thing to do.

Ignore, ignore ignore the neighbors. You have a right to have caregivers reporting
to work to care for your loved one.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
BurntCaregiver Jan 2022
Well, La-Dee-Da if the neighbors don't like the caliber of help someone has coming to the house or the late-model cares they pull up in.
The pay for agency hired caregivers is usually minimum wage per hour or maybe a few cents above. Nobody is going to see new cars pulling up. I know what you mean though. Especially in a senior community. The old biddie neighbors will decide how many cars can park in a driveway and who's allowed to visit.
I can't tell you how many times I've had to use both middle fingers the Good Lord gave me when going to a client's home in a senior community. There were a good many nosey Nellies who had to be told to f-off as well. My clients always enjoyed that and it gave the neighbors something to complain about. When you're private care there's no one for the neighbors to report you to.
(3)
Report
Tell them to call APS to do a home check
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

You didnt say why the neighbors are so noisy. What is their concern? Why are they not comfortable with the situation?
Can you move your mom closer? Is the condo something they want? That is why they want her gone? Do they know something you don't?
Are the neighbors friends with your mom? Are they over there checking on your mom? Are they being noisy with the help?
I have to say being 85 and alone is a bit much, even though she has help. Id get her a place now. Can you see in every room if she falls? Or if she falls in the bathroom she is stuck for a full day, or after you dont see her for a few hours, you send help?
If she is just in the beginning stages it will only get worse. How do you know she locks the door when they leave? Or does the help do it with the key.
Can you give more info?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

What did the letter to the head of the condo association say? What are the neighbours' specific concerns? If it's only been a week, it seems that they must have had concerns about how your parents were managing before the sad loss of your father. Have any particular issues come up that you know about?

The thing is, if they're sticking their noses into your mother's business you can smile sweetly and thank them for their kind wishes. Your mother's business is confidential and not for public discussion. But if your mother's issues are overspilling into their lives - for example, we had a lady in a comparable situation, also convinced she was fine, but with a regrettable habit of panicking when she woke at six in the morning and running round banging on people's front doors for help - it does become their business and they're not wrong to ask what's going on. Would you rather they didn't give a fig what became of her?

But a week! They might give you a chance to draw breath and fill in the forms!
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

You don’t owe neighbors an explanation. This is between you, your mother’s condo manager and the terms in the condo/hoa contract she signed.

Meanwhile: “I appreciate your concern. Have a nice day. Good bye.”
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

jaz129: Imho, perhaps you should start the assisted living process now - to attempt to locate one. These watchful neighbors may be a blessing in disguise.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I think it quite likely that the neighbors are worried to death what would happen to your mom if there was a fire, if she fell during the night or if she became ill.

Why does getting her into an AL take a long time? Have you identified a couple that are within her price range, perhaps near you?
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
BurntCaregiver Jan 2022
If those concerned neighbors were so worried to death about the mom staying alone at night, they'd be taking it in turns to stay at her house overnight every night or take it in shifts to patrol her place in the overnight to make sure there aren't any fires blazing or any deranged lunatics trying to get in.
I'm sure none of them are doing that. The mom could have one of those LifeAlert bracelets or pendants on in case she falls or became ill.
No, what this looks like to me is a bunch of nosey neighbors who don't know how to mind their own business.
(2)
Report
It is my understanding that APS has a goal to help the people needing more help. They can make a safety check, and a needs assessment.

Doing so, they also have the power to find suitable placement for your mother.
And if she needs placement, their help could hurry up that process. Or, their assessment could show that you have it covered adequately for now.

Maybe you could call APS yourself (anonymously) for a safety check? It is your Mother that thinks she is okay.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
nerdmafia Jan 2022
Don't do this
(3)
Report
See 2 more replies
1) thank them for their concern
2) show them the paperwork/evidence that you've ordered more in-home care, are making calls for AL placement, etc.
3) ask them what SPECIFIC incidences they continue to be concerned about. If they can't give you any, thank them again and assure them it's being handled as fast as possible given the covid and staffing obstacles. Also, there is a possibility that your mom is telling them stories about you or her care that are not true (but she believes they are). This is a common problem with people who have dementia/memory impairment.

Would the condo association allow one of you to live with her until you have the final care plan in place? Some places won't and you can inform the neighbors about this obstacle.

Are you your mom's PoA? If not, you can also let the neighbors know that since your mom didn't put this place, it is causing delays. (She does have a PoA, that's good). It isn't any of their business but maybe it will get the "Karens" off your back for a while. FYI if you are not her PoA then you can't be held accountable for the quality, quantity or "lack" of her care.

It is true that turning the stove off today may not solve her wandering tomorrow, since new dementia behaviors can turn up every week or day. As long as you're doing everything in your power to get care solutions in place, that's as much as you can do and you can ignore any other noise from the neighbors.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

It is NOT the neighbors business..If mom seems content and has help coming in..just ignore the neighbors unless mom has a dementia diagnosis... If mom has dementia she might do better in assisted living. Parents will always object but it needs to be what is in their best interest. A home care person should see the issues and report to you…Having lived in a condo..many residents feel ok to get other peoples business. Cameras should help you determine the next step.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Becky04471 Jan 2022
She does have dementia.
(2)
Report
Seems like it is time to meet the neighbors. Ask them about their concerns. Let them know the ways you are checking up on her. Usually upset feelings are about unmet expectations or lack of communication.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I am with Grandma. Unless in the very early stage, a Dementia should not be left alone. If you have had to turn the stove off, your Mom should not be alone. Things can worsen overnight, literally. The Nurses I worked with, as a secretary, called it an episode. Your Dad probably covered up a lot and did for her what she couldn't. I would get her into an AL or MC asap. Be glad that her neighbors care. And like said, the Condo assoc. can call APS. What if your mother starts a fire or turns on the tub and forgets and does damage to another residents condo? Dementia has no rhyme or reason and very unpredictable.
Helpful Answer (13)
Report
MJ1929 Jan 2022
Dad covering for her is 100% spot-on.

My dad covered for my mom because he truly didn't understand she had dementia. Many of her issues were attributed to her macular degeneration, and she also didn't want to go out in public like she used to, so most people had no idea how bad she was.

In my opinion, neighbors who were merely annoyed by Mom's situation would complain to the management. People who are truly concerned make the effort to contact the family as these people did.

People were so clueless about her condition that after Dad died and she moved into a nursing home (a full four years after dementia set in), she convinced a visitor that she had remarried and he spread that "joyous" news all over town not knowing that her new husband was imaginary.
(2)
Report
The 'nosy neighbors' could wind up doing your mother a huge favor by looking out for her. They can also wind up calling APS and reporting a vulnerable senior with dementia being left alone; all sorts of things can happen here. You have no control over how THEY choose to handle their anxiety over your mother being left alone for 20 hours per day in her condo.

You can tell the neighbors that you're looking into Memory Care AL for your mom, but there's nothing more you're going to do about the situation in the meantime. If they all APS, you'll deal with that matter if and when it happens.

My mother has advanced dementia these days & sundowns something awful; when it first began, she started declining around 2 pm every day and her agitation got progressively worse as the evening approached. As the others have said, dementia can turn on a dime, especially after a loved one passes away & the elder is traumatized & alone. I would seriously look into 24 hr a day care for your mother until she gets placed. That will calm down the neighbors fears and get them off of your back too, not to mention it will help YOU relax a bit more. More help is never a mistake; less help can often leave you with regrets.

My condolences on the loss of your father. Best of luck getting your mother placed asap. Please be sure it's Memory Care AL you look into and not regular AL.
Helpful Answer (13)
Report

I am of the belief that someone with Dementia should not be left alone. My Husband “escaped” 3 times broad daylight while I was in the house. 2 times he walked away and another he took my car, police in the next state found him 13 hours later.
There is the possibility that the neighbors could place a call to APS. If and when that happens what will the response be when mom answers the door?
I think you need another plan. Either someone with her 24/7 or placement in a Memory Care community.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter