Any advice on dealing with OCD behaviors? SO and I are overwhelmed.

Tell him he is being disrespectful and that you know he needs medicine for OCD. Draw the line and tell him you are not happy that he isn't medicating it and that you aren't playing the game anymore. Tell him that as long as you are employed outside the home, you will not respond to obscure task requests. Don't read texts or check messages while at work. Tell him any texts over 4 will not be read, and they better not be about laundry or other insultingly trivial things (Make sure he always has an emergency set of clean clothes without exception of course). OR... barrage him, all of you ,to the same extent with the expectations you have of him to do while you are at work and see how he likes a taste of his own medicine. As in, "Did you take your medicine?" "Did you re-position yourself at 9AM because it has to be every 2 hours." "Did you drink your water?" "Did you brush your teeth?" "Did you brush your hair?" "Do you have your call button on in case of emergency?" You are being bullied. Bullies are usually the first to back down in a real confrontation. Confront him by telling him that if he likes the way things are, he better be nice because you have a lot of leeway legally in slowing down customer service. You exceed the legal amount of care because you love him but if he is going to be rude, you will reduce your precision of care. And mean it.

Caringagain: As you state in your profile that your FIL suffers from "Alzheimer's/dementia," there is no rational brain functionality. Therefore, his many requests are never understandable. Perhaps you could garner perspective on the disease by reading the book, "The 36 Hour Day." Best of luck with Frank.

Would it work to tell him you will take care of his needs but not until he goes to the dr and follows that dr's advice and takes the meds?

My dad was 100% opposed to all meds his entire adult life, but then developed very extreme insomnia and the meds he got for dementia actually help him sleep. Now he's obsessed with taking them on time. He also has a lot of compulsive behaviors that got 3,000 times worse with onset of dementia. The meds help take the edge off a lot, though he is in total denial that he has any unmanageable behaviors. They don't entirely solve it though, but they make him way more manageable. Good luck!

Most people behave so differently with non-related caregivers. Please get him evaluated for placement and turn off your phones when you're at work.

Please remember, you're a volunteer in this situation..............how long will you volunteer for abuse?

A Geriatric Psychologist or social worker should be called in to evaluate the situation.

Time to start planning your next vacation, right after Dad gets placed: Aloha!

Good morning,
Has your FIL been medically diagnosed with OCD in past or present? I cannot tell from your description. At his next doctor's appointment with his primary physician, whoever has the POA assigned for him, should be present at the appointment and address these concerns with his doctor. It is not clear how "independent" your FIL actually is; does he live alone? make his meals? provide his own daily living needs ( shower , clean clothes etc)? His physician may need to assess FIL further for cognitive decline and or other physical or mental health declines ( such as dementia) as many many things can cause the anxiety you describe. His cognitive status can be easily assessed by his physician or a referral from the physician. A formal assessment and guidance by the physician and a case manager he/she could assign to determine both the needs and the options is a positive first step. You and your SO do need to take care of yourselves so assessing with the professionals the FIL needs for both his safety and your peace of mind will be an important first step.

Now, you can expect the FIL to resist any change, as this is often the normal. Explaining the needs in "safety" terms may help or not. Please be sure that the appropriate person has a POA assigned as this will both be necessary and helpful going forward ( if one is not already in place). FIL may be forgetful and fearful and not know how best to express this , hence it comes out as him demanding attention etc. etc. Lots of things could be going on and , a formal, full assessment by physician and cas e manager is necessary and important for you all. best regards

He refuses meds or treatment of any kind…I'm sorry but does that mean he won't go to the doctor period and as a result does not have a presciption, or he does have a prescription and he won't take them.

From others I've read that you may be able to get your FIL to the doctor under the guise of asking him to help and accompany you for YOUR doctor's visit.
Give his doctor a written statement of your concerns ahead of time.

Not comparable, but I've learn to not tell my husband that he's going for a hair cut. We appear at the barber shop, I hold the door open for him and before he knows it he's either in the waiting area or more likely just popped into a chair because his barber knows the deal. My husband doesn't gripe in front of other men.

As far as giving him meds, share a small milkshake, or something you both enjoy and spiked his with his meds. I think that sharing the action, and distracting him by encouraging his most soothing obsession, (talking, human contact, complaining, ordering), might be distracting.

My husband has obsessive compulsive habits but it has to do with hiding folded knapkins all over the house. It's driving me cross-eyed nuts. I never see him do it but they're stuffed everywhere. Which reminds me, as I mentioned in another reply, one of his very much grosser secretive obsessions has been nipped, unfortunately not in the bud, since he's been weaned off of Donepezil. His neurologist's office said at this point of his decline it doesn't do anything for him anyway. Which is another subject for another time. What is the point of prolonging this inevitable end? We have both lost 15 years already.

My MIL had dementia. She use to have a g'zillion steno pads and wrote a lot of notes. Perhaps if you supplied your FIL with writing materials it may by helpful. Make a place for these, table or desk, and post a sign at that spot saying something like - Dad we need to know what's important to you. Please write down what you'd like us to know.

I know it's incredibly nerve racking.

You are going above and beyond, and I'm sure you are doing a wonderful job as a caregiver. But sadly, caregivers often don't get the support and appreciation they deserve. Your FIL may not be able to do better with his behavior, and you may have to lower your expectations about what he can do. That being said, you need to have time for yourselves and to have your lives. It's not humanly possible to be a 24/7 caregiver and not burn out. Talk to your father's doctor about his refusal to take medications. There may be ways to sneak them in (mashed up in apple sauce, for example). Also have a plan for a time when his care may be too much for you to do do on your own. Connect with a local social worker to find out if he is eligible for some in-home care to take over part-time so that you can get breaks. You may be eligible for "salary" as family caregivers. If you do have people coming to your home be sure to lock up the valuables and personal papers. Besides additional in-home care, the other option is assisted living. It would be best to get his OCD under control before doing this, if you have to go this route. All the best!

Arrange an evaluation. Call your local aging agency or speak to an eldercare lawyer. It will be difficult because he really can't cooperate. He is too caught up by his illness. You cannot manage this. It will be difficult for professionals.

Visit for short periods only, bring something/find something to make a happy distraction.

That is my only known successful coping strategy for OCD. Not for them - they won't change - but for me.

If temporary (UTI) or a passing stage of dementia behaviour (sundowners) you may have better luck. But if faced with that long held deep persistent OCD personality type... sigh

Is leaving an option?.

CBD oil Helps with Manic behavior and OCD , seizures , schizophrenia and anxiety . Happy Hemp Buddha Has one 1000 X strength . Also FIVE ( Laguna Beach , CA. ) CBD Gummies . Use the A Half dropperful after Lunch . If he continues to be Manic or OCD try 1 or 2 gummies before dinner or at least 4 hours before bedtime . CBD helps with Panic , PTSD and Overall helps with OCD . Have him get a Hobby Like Gardening . Sounds like your very Burnt out But I would give the CBD Oil and gummies a chance . Try it out On yourself first .

I mean I don't know if it's entirely ethical...but...if he really needs medication, and has a need for mental health care and it's to the point that it's interfering with his quality of life... perhaps you can start him on something like a Luvox which is recommended for OCD? I only mention that med as I actually was on it myself and it works REALLY well for OCD. Obviously everyone is different, but it's been around of ages and is one of the oldest SSRIs.... I don't know how or if it's recommended for seniors though.

I mean if he won't take any meds, what can you do? Like others mentioned, he'll only get worse from here, and they WILL medicate him at a facility because they basically have to - otherwise people can get combative with staff or other residents.

Thanks much for the straightforward and on point response. You are absolutely right and I really appreciate hearing it. My SO and I have just kept trying to problem solve, but the problems and behaviors just morph into new ones as the underlying compulsions never go away. It’s been so difficult dealing with him and we just kept thinking if only this solution or this attempt would stop the behaviors we could work it out. That’s not going to happen, it’s only going to get worse. Not going to lie, I’ve been astonished at his self centeredness and level of dysfunction. It’s a really sad way to live in my opinion and we just need to get him to a safe professional setting regardless of feeling guilty about putting ourselves first. Thanks again for your understanding.

Depending on how advanced his dementia is, he needs an ultimatum that he either agrees to willingly take meds for anxiety (to treat his OCD and depression AND any other medical malady) or he goes to a facility. There is no middle ground here. At some point even if you can mitigate his OCD, his dementia will continue to rob him of abilities. There can be much worse behaviors compliments of dementia... just something to ponder as you work on a long-term solution.

I get the impression that you would be OK about FIL living with you if this behavior could drop down. You may need to move him out of your house eventually for 24/7 reasons, but for now you could give him a choice – you get medical treatment now, or you go to a facility now. He will have a meltdown, but stick to your guns. Get on a couple of mailing lists and start giving him the flyers about facilities, so he realises that you are serious.

Yes: my suggestion is to get Frank out of your home and into Assisted Living where paid caregivers can deal with his extreme OCD 24/7 and leave you alone to live in peace now. Enough is enough. There comes a time when in home caregiving becomes too much to deal with, and it sounds like that's what's happened with your situation. Nobody's life should be usurped by an elder with this level of neediness and issues due to untreated OCD, especially when medication would address a lot of it.

Just b/c Frank is unwilling to be treated for this extreme OCD, does not mean it should be YOUR problem to deal with forevermore.

You and your spouse deserve a calm, peaceful life of your own. I suggest you create one.

Best of luck.