I was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. My mom (96) who has dementia but otherwise in good health. She’s been in assisted living level 1 for almost 2 yrs, not in memory care. This hurts my heart so much as I know it will upset her greatly. I would like to hide it as much as I can, but this is going to affect my visits and I know she’ll be aware that I’m not the same. I live an hour away and in Canada, she’s in Michigan. I’ve been helping her with some things like giving her regular manicures, pedicures, washing and cutting her hair, she alway wears a wig, I’ve even brought her to my house for holidays in the past for a couple days. I know that will have to stop soon. As hard as this diagnosis is for me, it’s especially difficult with worrying about my mom. She only has me and my older brother who really never had the relationship with her that I had, and can’t do these things for her, he takes care of all her financial things, he’s her POA, but that’s all he’s capable of doing. As far as friends and relatives…nope, on one else to step up. I don’t know what to do.
I don't know how advanced her dementia is. I would tell her, tell her you are getting treatment and the doctor thinks you will "be just fine". Tell her that whether it is true or it is not true. And on you go.
To tell you the honest truth she will not be standing witness to your treatment and worries as she would be were she not having dementia. And even at that our family can do just fine with us dealing with this. In fact my best supporters were the most humorous ones.
I now have another what they consider primary cancer, after all these years. It's in the other breast. I am 82 and will not be doing chemo; I had a lumpectomy and will get mastectomy for any noted spread. Otherwise for me it's palliative, Hospice and our good right to die laws. TRUST ME, if you have to go there are so many worse ways. There are good drugs for cancer and real choices, and with so many things--dementia for sure--there just aren't choices.
My vote goes to telling but I will say that YOUR vote is the only one that matters here and you know your mom well, much better than me. My own Mom was real good with all of it. If you suspect this is too distressing, don't tell. And I think with dementia, the fact that your visits are off a bit will be less a concern. And I think you will not only be able to do them but that they will bring you joy.
Good luck. MANY of us with the big C on this site, both currently and in the past. You aren't alone.
Ultimately, mom passed away 1 month before we were called to Az by the Mayo Clinic. I should never have said anything.The goal is to keep them calm, after all.
Best of luck with your treatments.
I would not tell your mother until it's necessary.
".. she would want to go with me to the appointments and be in the room with me."
This is EXACTLY what is happening with my folks. She is anxious ++ wants every detail, attend every appointment. Due to short term memory &/or OCD wants to go over the same stuff all.the.time.
I get she wants to know. But has the asking & pestering offered any real support to him..? No.
"If I cough around her I have TB, Black Death, etc."
My MIL is just like this, leading us to only disclose tests if diagnosed & once treatment plans made. Again, the worry does not bring support.
In this case I would tell her what you know and that things may have to change a bit.
You might even want to start getting her hair done at the salon that the facility has. You do what you can when you can and either let some things slide or let someone else do some of the things that might be a bit more difficult for you.
Maybe enjoying the holiday with her instead of bringing her to your house.
Again...do what you can when you can. You can't do more. I am sure that if your mom did not have dementia and she was fully aware of what you are going through she would totally understand and probably tell you that you are being a bit silly in worrying about her at this time. 🙏 You got this!
Find other options for communicating with mom, send flowers, candy, or a brief letter filled with your love that makes her happy. Also, consider Zoom/skype calls with her - is there staff at her facility that could arrange this for her?
- Could your brother step up more actively with her until you can?
As far as your feelings on guilt, sounds liked you'd feel this regardless whether you tell her or you don't. Find ways to jettison the guilt. You're doing your best!
Best wishes.
You have to balance the awful burden of keeping it from her VS telling & upsetting you both.
Also very much consider how much she will retain. Will this become an endless loop of worry & talk for her? Will that help you? Or will the information fade quickly? So if you want to discuss each visit it means introducing it fresh each time?
My extended family did this recently. They broke the news BUT slowly & thoughtfully.
. After the person with the dx had time to absorb & get used to the idea.
. Used the truth, but a little minimised. Eg The Doctor said I have some X. I going to take some pills & maybe have some other treatments as well.
. Then the topic was dropped.
This seemed to work well. For everyone. The person with Ca was not keep burdened to hide their truth. The other had such fading memory it didn't cause distress.
I think a big part of sharing news is the vulnerability. Is the receiver going to be supportive? But even the most memory or cognitively impaired person can offer a smile or hug!
Debbie, maybe a hug from your Mom will be enough! 🩷
Then I hope you can look for & find other everyday support. (((Hugs)))
If you have already been given a plan and know that your treatment will keep you from doing all the sweet things you do for your mom, you will have to decide which will hurt her worse, seeing you enduring, (because sometimes ‘enduring’ is the most you may be able to muster), or possibly finding out that you chose to endure it, alone. As others have said, only you know your mom well enough to predict her reactions.
I’m sorry. I can’t imagine how difficult this must be when you are both caring for your mom and trying to care for yourself.
I'm very sorry to hear of your condition. I wish you a successful treatment and recovery!
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