I was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. My mom (96) who has dementia but otherwise in good health. She’s been in assisted living level 1 for almost 2 yrs, not in memory care. This hurts my heart so much as I know it will upset her greatly. I would like to hide it as much as I can, but this is going to affect my visits and I know she’ll be aware that I’m not the same. I live an hour away and in Canada, she’s in Michigan. I’ve been helping her with some things like giving her regular manicures, pedicures, washing and cutting her hair, she alway wears a wig, I’ve even brought her to my house for holidays in the past for a couple days. I know that will have to stop soon. As hard as this diagnosis is for me, it’s especially difficult with worrying about my mom. She only has me and my older brother who really never had the relationship with her that I had, and can’t do these things for her, he takes care of all her financial things, he’s her POA, but that’s all he’s capable of doing. As far as friends and relatives…nope, on one else to step up. I don’t know what to do.
First and foremost as any caregiver take care of your health.
Mom is 96, she will survive being on her own.
Is mani/ pedi more important? Someone else can do it or her hair.
You tell her in non specific terms that you are sick and won’t be visiting. I am sorry, it is reality you are facing, there are worse things than being alone.
Wishing you strength and peace.
Depending on stage of your own issue, it may not change your plans to visit. Perhaps dr and medical visits will take up more time and that will make visits less, but many people have no real issues with treatment and go to work daily.
Hoping that you have very few side effects on this journey you are taking!
Talk to older brother about helping financially (with mom's money or his) to do the personal tasks for mom. Very possible there is a beauty salon quite close or visits the facility that could handle nails, hair, etc. Maybe brother could even collect her to get her to family gatherings and return her to facility. It can be important for all of you to gather as often as you can.
Prayers on your treatments and recovery.
Be kind to yourself. Continue to put the oxygen mask on yourself first as you oversee care for Mom.
I do not personally see any benefit.
Telling her will upset and worry her.
You can find volunteers through churches, volunteer organizations to help with some of the caregiving needs.
Contact Senior Services Dept through City Hall / local government.
Important to take care of yourself, first.
If your mother financially qualifies for government benefits, use them.
You can hire an ind social worker (or others) who knows these benefits / options inside and out. Get the professional help / support you need.
Gena / Touch Matters
I hope you recover quickly. 🙏 I personally would tell her that you may not be visiting as frequently as normal for a temporary time because you have to attend preventative therapies for something caught early. Try to be as positive as you can for both yours and your mom's sake. Positive vibes to you and your mom. Keep moving forward. You can beat this!!!
So sorry to read your sad diagnosis x please take care and look after you, please xx remember the most important thing now for you and your beautiful, tender mom is “less stress is always best” x so I would not share any of your diagnosis, does she need to know? Please think long and hard….it might be because you need your mom right now 💕
Deb it might be you want to share with Mom because it might help you to share and have your beautiful Mom’s love returned because you need your Mom right now, and this would help you xx As our roles reverse you must try to stay strong and protect your Mom just now 💕 Please at this time, think of Mom and what it might do to her, you might regret telling her such sad news, she might not be strong enough to receive this worry from her beautiful baby girl 💕 Stay strong and discuss with your brother, rely on him for a shoulder to help you and please give Mom some peace and rest at her tender time 💕 if Mom notices differences in you, please play it down and just let her know everything is ok and you are busy with routine appointments 💕 thinking of you and all you’re going through, all your wonderful friends on this amazing site will help you through sad times and please remember to keep what you have with Mom now, because she will look at you with love in her eyes and will be sad because she cannot make it right for her baby girl and you might regret sharing with Mom and that is not something you want to feel on top of all you’re going through right now ….💕…please take care and look after you when you can and please remember as you get stronger (which you will 🥰) mom will stay strong with you 💕 xx
Sending lots of (hugs) and cuddles….🥰
plus….brother might step up a little differently if he knows you cannot provide the loving care you do just now…cross that bridge as it arises and not anytime sooner 🥰 take care and stay strong you will have this, you will fight through xxx
Thank you again, your response was truly sincere and I greatly appreciate that ❤️
I was going every day, then I was going every other day then I was going twice a week, she didn’t notice. Take care of yourself.
Later, when she stopped caring so much about others, it wouldn't have worried her to the same extent, although it would still have upset her, but she wouldn't have been able to retain the information. So, talking about it would not have been productive, as she would be shocked anew, each time it was mentioned.
You know your mum best. My gut reaction would be to not tell her because you can't control how she reacts and, being so far away, you can't easily comfort her if she becomes distressed and isn't capable of reasoning away her anxiety. But, you have to do what you feel is right.
In the meantime, start making changes now, so that it isn't so obvious if you have to make changes.
You might want to tell your mum that you're getting treatment for an illness without mentioning cancer. To the older generation, it was so feared that it was referred to as the C word.
My best wishes for your treatment and recovery.
wsit until you must
i. The meantime concentrate on you and looking after yourself
we e had a lot of people in work with cancers and it’s a slow process getting better changing your eating habits and reducing all stress so fir now concentrate on that
saying that only you know your mother better than anyone else and if she could handle such news
If she can then maybe
mum I’ve got a tumour and they will need to operate so I may not be able to visit as often sort of thing
speak to your mothers doctor
see what they’re advice is
I’m sure it would be spot on
I'm very sorry to hear of your condition. I wish you a successful treatment and recovery!
If you have already been given a plan and know that your treatment will keep you from doing all the sweet things you do for your mom, you will have to decide which will hurt her worse, seeing you enduring, (because sometimes ‘enduring’ is the most you may be able to muster), or possibly finding out that you chose to endure it, alone. As others have said, only you know your mom well enough to predict her reactions.
I’m sorry. I can’t imagine how difficult this must be when you are both caring for your mom and trying to care for yourself.
Ultimately, mom passed away 1 month before we were called to Az by the Mayo Clinic. I should never have said anything.The goal is to keep them calm, after all.
Best of luck with your treatments.
You have to balance the awful burden of keeping it from her VS telling & upsetting you both.
Also very much consider how much she will retain. Will this become an endless loop of worry & talk for her? Will that help you? Or will the information fade quickly? So if you want to discuss each visit it means introducing it fresh each time?
My extended family did this recently. They broke the news BUT slowly & thoughtfully.
. After the person with the dx had time to absorb & get used to the idea.
. Used the truth, but a little minimised. Eg The Doctor said I have some X. I going to take some pills & maybe have some other treatments as well.
. Then the topic was dropped.
This seemed to work well. For everyone. The person with Ca was not keep burdened to hide their truth. The other had such fading memory it didn't cause distress.
I think a big part of sharing news is the vulnerability. Is the receiver going to be supportive? But even the most memory or cognitively impaired person can offer a smile or hug!
Debbie, maybe a hug from your Mom will be enough! 🩷
Then I hope you can look for & find other everyday support. (((Hugs)))
In this case I would tell her what you know and that things may have to change a bit.
You might even want to start getting her hair done at the salon that the facility has. You do what you can when you can and either let some things slide or let someone else do some of the things that might be a bit more difficult for you.
Maybe enjoying the holiday with her instead of bringing her to your house.
Again...do what you can when you can. You can't do more. I am sure that if your mom did not have dementia and she was fully aware of what you are going through she would totally understand and probably tell you that you are being a bit silly in worrying about her at this time. 🙏 You got this!
I would not tell your mother until it's necessary.
".. she would want to go with me to the appointments and be in the room with me."
This is EXACTLY what is happening with my folks. She is anxious ++ wants every detail, attend every appointment. Due to short term memory &/or OCD wants to go over the same stuff all.the.time.
I get she wants to know. But has the asking & pestering offered any real support to him..? No.
"If I cough around her I have TB, Black Death, etc."
My MIL is just like this, leading us to only disclose tests if diagnosed & once treatment plans made. Again, the worry does not bring support.
I don't know how advanced her dementia is. I would tell her, tell her you are getting treatment and the doctor thinks you will "be just fine". Tell her that whether it is true or it is not true. And on you go.
To tell you the honest truth she will not be standing witness to your treatment and worries as she would be were she not having dementia. And even at that our family can do just fine with us dealing with this. In fact my best supporters were the most humorous ones.
I now have another what they consider primary cancer, after all these years. It's in the other breast. I am 82 and will not be doing chemo; I had a lumpectomy and will get mastectomy for any noted spread. Otherwise for me it's palliative, Hospice and our good right to die laws. TRUST ME, if you have to go there are so many worse ways. There are good drugs for cancer and real choices, and with so many things--dementia for sure--there just aren't choices.
My vote goes to telling but I will say that YOUR vote is the only one that matters here and you know your mom well, much better than me. My own Mom was real good with all of it. If you suspect this is too distressing, don't tell. And I think with dementia, the fact that your visits are off a bit will be less a concern. And I think you will not only be able to do them but that they will bring you joy.
Good luck. MANY of us with the big C on this site, both currently and in the past. You aren't alone.
If she was more forgetful and not able to remember how often or what you did during your visits she would not notice so much .
Would it be possible to hire a companion to visit Mom sometimes , sort of fill in the gap ?
I wish I had a better answer .
You have to take care of yourself .
Mom is being taken care of .
Find other options for communicating with mom, send flowers, candy, or a brief letter filled with your love that makes her happy. Also, consider Zoom/skype calls with her - is there staff at her facility that could arrange this for her?
- Could your brother step up more actively with her until you can?
As far as your feelings on guilt, sounds liked you'd feel this regardless whether you tell her or you don't. Find ways to jettison the guilt. You're doing your best!
Best wishes.