Hi, Im new. Youngest of 3 siblings. All male. My mom has ...rapidly progressing Parkinson's like full blown just about every symptom from the textbook. I am a recently graduated doctor...so everyone at home looks to ME for the answers.
But, I don't have all the answer. I only have limited experience so far.
I am also engaged, and I often feel like caring for my Mom ....evelopes everything else, even my relationship with my fiancee.
I often end up arguing with my family, because they expect me to be at Mom's side 24/7 just bcuz I am a doctor....as if I have no personal life of my own.
Can anyone else relate? Any other guys out there caught between keeping your wife happy and an increasingly weakened needy mother ?
Im a 65 year old man. Went through caring long distance for parents with no sibs, no help.
whether you’re a man or woman has little to do with the challenges of elder caregiving. It most often falls to the women in the family.
I don’t have an easy answer for you. You mom will get worse through the years. You have no choice but to stand up to your sibs and demand your life. She needs paid caregivers in her home or placed in a facility.
There is is no shame in this. No one, male or female should ever be forced or guilt tripped into giving up a marriage, career and life for caregiving.
"I often end up arguing with my family, because they expect me to be at Mom's side 24/7..." It does not matter one bit that you are a doctor. Expecting anyone to be a caregiver is wrong. That is a very personal decision - for a man or a woman - and only you can make it.
Your mother's needs will only increase. You may not get to practice medicine, you may lose your fiance, and you may bankrupt your own future if you succumb to the fear, obligation and guilt that is being thrown at you by your siblings, who already have their lives, now don't they?
To be frank, I would not marry a man who was taking care of his mother in his home. While I might thing that love can overcome all, I do know that one the blush is off the rose it would be me sitting at home while my doctor husband was off being a doctor, certainly at least one half of the time.
I don't consider it worth argument. I would simply say that I was sorry, but I intended to have a life now, that I was a newly graduated doctor and would be hard at work developing my practice,that I was marrying, and my wife didn't sign up for me and Mom but for me.
I would hope that Mom would have excellent placement in care and visits by the entire family. But no one in the family is required by obligation, by job,by guilt or by anything else to do hands on care. Mom may well and easily live at least another 20 years, just as NY DaughterInLaw says. During that time, you and your wife may actually raise several children. That will be plenty to do right there.
(Gently) Why could you not ever forgive them? You are allowing their expectations to rule your life.
There is a huge amount of emotional stuff surrounding dealing with family -- even during easy times. This is not an easy time.
What kind of positive answer are you seeking?
but if
husband is caring for his mother, then he is failure as a husband ?" Why are the rules different if it's the man who has the sick parent ? I really wish there were some men here to tell give me some advice on how to balance this.
Sigh...in any case I have made the small step of moving out of my parents' house. I still visit very often, but I make it a point of duty to not spend the night.
Btw, I believe adult children should care for their parents if possible, but I think that "care" can mean involvement in making sure their parents are cared for by someone, somewhere safe. Even that doesn't always work, as some elderly parents won't cooperate.
How can there be anything wrong with refusing to run yourself into the ground in order to provide round-the-clock, hands-on care to a parent? Steeling yourself to stand up to your siblings is the first step in finding a better long-term solution.
From reading your responses, it seems to me that you don't quite believe you have the right to say no to your siblings.
Sibling took remaining parent for 3 days over Christmas for 3 years till they weren’t able to manage the stairs.
But yeah, on call 24/7 re parents and an average day was up 0530 - finish work around 1700 -1800 care till 2300 go home do reports etc bed at 0130 - up at 0530 again... if not alerted earlier that there was an issue with a parent. ...
I was thinking about you last night. If your siblings become willing to work together to coordinate your mom's care, it would be so awesome for your mom to have a doctor in the bunch. I mean this for down the road, with you living your life and pursuing your career and such. I'm not chiming in with your siblings to say, "But you're a doctor!"
Here in the US, anyway, a physician will often speak more easily with a family member who is also a physician, sort of a "professional courtesy". I have known several people with close relatives who are doctors that have had this happen, and I have an elderly friend whose doctor will personally call her son -- he lives hundreds of miles away -- to fill him in on her care. It' quite a perk!