Any suggestions on ways to deal with a senior who constantly instigates fights about general topics like politics or current events?

We are so divided in our country now that I just can't be around it to tell the truth. I leave.
In my own household my partner is soooo much more into the daily political drivel that is soooo repetitive. That just goes on and on and on and on. And is so predictable. I don't want it and I try to enforce not speaking over much about the same old story. I garden. I read. I walk. I cook.
I am 78. I have my one vote and cast it the best I can.
If you notice, with all the talk talk talk, no one's mind is really changed. Not a vote is changed but that it doesn't come from within.
I just make certain, and it's easy in these times when we can't meet up anyway, that I have an escape route, and I make "The Great Escape" whenever necessary to my own mental well-being.

Ugh.

You've just described my 68 yo DH.

While WFH he has had the TV on to FoxNews 24/7 and has gotten so incredibly amped up about EVERYTHING...he's really hard to live with, and being 80% deaf and refusing to wear his HA's, he's very loud and comes across like an old fart.

Last week he was trying to engage our daughter in some debate and he will not bend to listen to anyone else's POV. He is RIGHT and that's that. She simply ignored him. That made him so mad.

I did tell him, and have been telling him, that WE (both of us) are completely IRRELEVANT at this stage of our lives. Nobody wants to hear what we have to say nor care what we think. (I told him that as a white woman, I have NEVER been 'relevant' and our kids have always thought my ideas and ideals are stupid)

He will go down swinging, I swear. I tell my kids if he gets out of control, they should simply, quietly pack their kids and leave. And they do.

If I had a dollar for every time somebody asks me what's 'wrong' with my DH, I'd have a bundle. I know the deafness and the endless loop of right wing blather has made him much worse.

What's wrong is that he only sees one side of anything and nothing anyone says or does is even allowed into his brain.

You're not going to change your parents. Don't argue with them. My DH LOVES a good argument, but he also loves making other people look/feel stupid.

In our case, before I can let him retire, he HAS to get some counseling. So much anger---and though I try to divert his attention, he is a real pill. During COVID I have taken many long, endless drives and have kind of self isolated in the basement. I may go a whole day and not speak to him at all.

I just got put on a new med as my heart is acting up---tachycardia--brought on by, you guessed it STRESS. And I KNOW DH is the major source of that.

Be absolutely straightforward with your dad and mom. They wander into political arenas or any other area you aren't comfortable with and let them know that is not appropriate and tell them you won't put up with it. My kids have done this and it has helped a little, tiny bit.

Can’t argue without an audience. Give it no audience whatsoever. The minute it starts, leave, no exceptions

I don't like advocating this, but I suggest you get right in your parent's face and lay down the law. The important thing is to remember that your parent is not arguing to make a point, but rather to command attention.

I was not raised in a family that argues, so when I married my husband, my FIL was a new experience to me. He, too, loved to start trouble with endless political topics, but he considered his pontificating to be "discussions." One-way discussions, but discussions nonetheless. With a family of seven kids, seven in-laws, and 18 grandchildren, he was in his element holding court at every family event (and there were multiple such family events every year).

I was always respectful but largely ignored him when he'd try to bait me, but he finally went over the line when he started in on my youngest son. He was berating him, talking over him, and ignoring the excellent argument my son was giving in opposition to his. I guess I forgot my "respect your elders" training, and I'd had enough. I got right in his face and just said very quietly, "LAY. OFF. MY. KID."

Amazingly, he never pulled that stuff again with anyone in my family. I'd drawn the line in the sand, and he got a clear message of what I'd put up with and what I wouldn't. No one had ever done that to him.

It's really sad that he never saw the damage he did, because when he died three years ago, his grandchildren weren't too upset by it. They don't have fond memories of their grandfather, and as he passed on his annoying habits to a couple of his sons, his legacy of being obnoxious continues, albeit to a lesser degree. Still, my daughter refuses to go to any family events, and I can't say I blame her.

OMG, I can relate to your dilemma. My 97 year old father lives with us and watches Fox News 24/7 in our family room - even though he has his own tv in his bedroom. I finally “had it out” with him yesterday and said “Don’t you get tired of watching the same thing all day? I am tired of listening to it. Do you want me to write a list of channels that might have other shows to interest you?”. We “got into it” and he accused me of trying to control him and what he watched. My reply was “No, I’m just tired of hearing the tv all day/ same old stuff”. He went into a pout and turned the tv off. He acts like a child and is now being a martyr sitting in the chair hunched over with his eyes closed. I’m not taking the bait - it’s so peaceful and quiet before he gets up in the morning and after he goes to bed at night. We, too, have stopped socializing because he interjects and takes over the conversation with his political opinions. I agree with Midkid58 - you just have to confront him; the negativity will take over your soul.

MJ, your FIL could be my Dad. I came from a family who loved to argue. My Dad the worst. And he never saw the other side. I proved him wrong a number of times.

Burnt, you may explain to ur Mom that if she doesn't stop what she is doing, family will no longer visit. And you will not be taking her to visit. She will have to stay home. You going alone. She is alienating her family. First, I have heard that Fox news is not accurate in what they talk about. (I don't watch them or any news) I think most of us are tired of politics. I know I am. We want to talk about more pleasant things. I have a SIL that hasn't been north in years because her sister gets so worked up about politics. To the point she doesn't respect the other person's views.

You know what they say, never discuss politics or religion.

Set boundaries.

If I had met my ex husband’s extended family ahead of time I would never have married him.

My line in the sand was a year or two after we married. There was a big family birthday party in a local Asian restaurant. 25 or more people, ranging from 90+ to my son who was 6. Uncle Jim started in on the racist jokes. I could not believe it.

I stood up and told him my son was not going to be exposed to the garbage coming out of his mouth and he should be ashamed to be talking like that in front of his granddaughters too. I would not spend another moment listening to him.

I gathered up my son and went to leave the restaurant. You could have heard a pin drop. The family were shocked, nobody had ever spoken back to Uncle Jim as he was known for his temper. They were even more shocked when he apologized to me and my son and promised to mind his language. He never spoke that way again in front of me.

For OP’s situation, you are allowing one person to dictate your socializing. I would very clearly state that he is not welcome to join in when you have friends over. If he does, then new living arrangements must be found within the month.

Also if you are paying the cable bill, electric bill, etc., you have every right to decide what is watched on TV’s in the public areas of your house. Me, I would block Fox News or whatever station he is watching.

My Dad does not live with me. He watches various crazy podcasts that are full of conspiracy theories. If I call into question the crap he is saying, his standard response is that I am mentally challenged and have no right to challenge him. But he is a retired teacher who hates to have his authority questioned, especially by a woman.

Have you ever tried agreeing with him and moving on to another subject?

My dad doesn't even watch the news, but let someone tell him anything and off he goes. I will just acknowledge what he is saying with an "oh yeah, that is one way to look at it." Then we are off to the next rodeo.

Once you realize that you will never win, you can start looking for ways that shut him down without the drama of an argument. Because it takes two to argue, if no one engages he doesn't have an opponent.

Few people continue to argue with the wall (though some do so). Who are you trying to convince when you argue back? Because you won't convince THEM. Simply say "That is an interesting point of view; can you repeat it for me". When they do just say "I am going to give that some serious thought". or "I hadn't considered that". Or "I so appreciate your point of view". You know. Pretend you are a Psychologist and give them nothing.
It works. As hard as it is in the beginning, and as many times as you will leave with the tongue bleeding from having been clamped down on, it gets easier and easier and easier, and ultimately it becomes FUN! If a sort of sadism.
There is absolutely nothing so frustrating as someone who will not argue with you, right?

Some family members like to talk politics and some get all up in the air at times. I try to change the subject, but a few minutes later back to arguing from one of them. Told over and over we do not want to discuss politics. Ends up in a heated conversation. Now it is better because we ignore them and do not add fuel to the fire. Visiting is much nicer and peaceful.

Listen and learn. When they are gone so is their knowledge unless you sere listening😊

You need to find ways of redirecting the conversations.   It isn't easy though.  What other common issues can you find for them to discuss?

If you have to, once the bickering starts, state that life is already too complicated during this pandemic and you don't want to participate in more frictional activity.  Then change the subject, or just leave.  

I think sometimes people, young or old, provoke these kinds of arguments not only b/c they're upset about world situations, and feel uncertain about life, but also (depending on their personalities), b/c they enjoy friction.    Or it may be that they need attention.   And it could just be frustration; there's a LOT of that existing these days.

I don't know enough about your parents to infer what the underlying issues are though.    

But do focus on the redirection tactic, at home, in private, before you consider further gatherings.

ETA: another poster reminded me of someting my psych nurse sister told me:  you can't argue with "control freaks."  (I apologize for that description, but it seems the best way to address those with highly dominant personalities.)

Apparently there have been no consequences for stirring the pot, so why should your parent stop? He (I assume it's your father) enjoys the attention.

You cannot stop him from instigating turmoil but you can create consequences to modify his behavior. When he starts a fight, say, "Dad, we talked about this." Then stand up and leave.

I can totally understand how stressful this is, especially if you are out somewhere and it’s in public. I had relatives who were like this, taking offence where none was intended, picking fights and arguments about theoretical situations, not to mention questionable politics and really awful racism. I dealt with this in different ways: in the house, I would say “ look, we have differing views on this so let’s just agree to disagree “. I would then not be drawn in on the subject any more, despite sulking, shouting and other childish behaviour. As far as going out with them anywhere, after a few times of me having to apologise to waiters or other diners for their bad behaviour (and the extreme stress that goes with this) I just wouldn’t go out with them any more. We ate at home if they ever visited. I would leave the room if they started acting up, sometimes going off to do something else in the house, maybe the odd bit of housework or something, just to get away from the situation. I would say that they didn’t feel they’d had a successful visit unless they’d started a massive argument. I put up with this for years and gradually laid down more and more boundaries to the point that I only saw them once a year so that we could contain this behaviour and really limit it. I accepted that they would never change nor see that there was anything wrong with their behaviour either. If they are living with you it is even more difficult for you, but if you just refuse to engage, walk out of the room or leave the house, they will end up shouting to nobody. You won’t change their behaviour overnight, or ever, maybe, but you don’t have to be a target for it. Also, you could try a “cause and effect” argument: if you do this, the consequence is ....... and then carry out the consequence each time this rule is broken. This could be not eating together, not going out together, even not being in the same room together, etc. Just remember that you do not have to be a target for this and can “walk away” when the shouting starts.

My mom is glued to CNN,, and hates Trump ( as do many I am well aware) She is convinced hubs and I are still avid supporters because we voted for him 4 years ago,, not matter that our thoughts may have changed in many ways.. and we have not watched Fox news in 3 years.. LOL She is POSITIVE !! So when she starts trying to (Old news) bait us,, I just agree with her,, sometimes I over agree with her.. LOL She runs out of steam with no feedback.. Sometimes my hubs "winds her up" so she will see how silly she is being. Then she goes back to statements like "he makes fun of people ( yes he does) . But I have to say some of this CNN watching is now causing a reversal in her attitude. She was always pretty color blind, our family is a bit biracial, but she is amped up about the riots, the changing of history ( she is pretty well educated and hates to see history destroyed) and more. So who knows,, lately I have heard some doozies from her.

Burnt, I’d like to reframe this as yet another boundaries issue. You share a house with your mother, but “we don't entertain friends and family at home anymore” because of her behavior. She does not have dementia, her behavior is deliberate, and you haven't managed talk her out of it.

You could try three boundary options. If you ask when you have company, she goes to her room immediately and stays there. If you are out when she starts up, a taxi is called and takes her home. If you try these and they fail, you let her know clearly that you don’t want to feel like this in your home. If it continues she will need to move to AL (if the house is yours), or you will need leave and she will need to find other carers (if it’s her house). If the carrot for her is that she enjoys the arguments and enjoys the feeling of control, you need to find a different carrot or else a stick.

My first suggestion was going to be not to invite them over when you have guests, but in checking your profile, I see they live with you.

Suggestions:

1) "...if we're going to a social outing", don't invite them. If it is friends, go without them. If it is an extended family shindig, let them go, you stay home OR let them stay home and you go. Either way, the reasoning is no longer a warning, it is a statement of fact. Mom/Dad, everywhere we go you start trouble with various topics, esp politics. I have enough to do, I don't want to hear it. I've tried warning, but you're not taking the hint. So you go or I go but we are NOT going together!

2) Instead of inviting others to your home, arrange to go to a neutral spot, park, restaurant, etc (once treks and outings are allowed!) or the other person's home. Explain that this is a necessity, for peace of mind and enjoyable visit and that you'll make it up to them sometime later!

3) Anytime they do this in your home, when others are not there, you can ask them to stop. If they don't, you walk away. If need be, go for a walk outside. Wear ear plugs or headphones, so you can tune them out. They get in your face and start yapping, point to the ears and say sorry, I can't hear you and I don't WANT to hear you. I'm NOT interested in the politics or the latest gadget you've seen on TV. If you need something, write me a note. If you don't need anything, then find a hobby, join a club and mingle with people like you who want to discuss this stuff. They can't fight or argue with you if you refuse to participate. As the saying goes, it takes 2 to tango...

Out of curiosity - is there a necessary reason for them to be living in your house? I see mom needs some assistance, but does it have to be in your place? Can they not afford some kind of AL? IF they can afford it and nothing you try suggested by anyone here works, then perhaps it is time to check out AL places, then sit them down with brochures and information you gathered and suggest they move. They would likely find someone who would "debate" with them... Even better would be find one that offers respite care and have them stay for 2 weeks while you go on vacation. Maybe they will not want to come back!

Agree with Daughter of 1930. Just what I was going to say.
DO NOT ENGAGE with or in these discussions. KEEP QUIET.
If there is 'no biting on that fishing pole, they may stop' as there is no incentive for them. Instigating is another word, in my opinion, for MANIPULATING. As long as that works, they will continue.
Set ground rules before you and they are at the dinner or breakfast table.
Set ground rules before anyone comes over.
When the 'they' come over, explain the ground rules to them, too.
Learn to set limits. It is your home, isn't it?
You are kind enough to allow your parents to live with you (as I understand it).
If you do still entertain (in the age of Covid), perhaps you can leave and and/or entertain elsewhere.

Its 'no use,' as you say unless you have consequences to their behavior. If there are none, why would they change. They have you wrapped around their finger. Stop allowing it. Figure out the consequences and stick to it. May feel REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE initially because it is new behavior for you. As you feel more self-empowered, it will support you to continue and stick to your guns. g

When I read your bio I felt such sadness for the life you are living. It is so hard to be around negativity like their's. You don’t ask for this piece of advice but I'm suggesting it anyway. Move them out of your home if at all possible.
But besides that you can control the direction of the conversation by just not engaging in it. Ignore them and do a treatment called "Gray Rock" you can google it and read up on it. Basically you are not adding fuel to their fire. Also, if you have company over, you have every right to set a boundary and politely tell them they are not invited. They do not have to be a part of all your gatherings. They live in your home and you call the shots.

Think about this, the political talk isn’t meant to cause arguments. They talk about it because it’s a large part of their world. When people are at a social event they mingle and speak with others there, the arguments occur because of the reactions of others. People need to learn how to express different opinions without anger and insulting each other.

I've got one of those, too... an elderly parent who watches nothing but news, which then upsets him to the max. So I set rules: his house, his rules; my house, MY rules, which means no politics or racist language.

The harder challenge, however, is in public- but COVID has taken care of that nicely enough since we no longer go out to eat or socialize and don't see that changing at any point in the near future (clouds with silver linings comes to mind).

And as others have said, just don't engage them. Change the subject. And warn guests that mom and dad are like this and ask them to please not get involved with their rants (because that's really all it is, a release for them... if they're anything like my father they have no real desire for a meaningful exchange of opposing ideas, he's just angry and has no other way to express it).

Change the topic! Also get them to change to channel more often.

Be like the Victorians. Polite conversation avoids politics. Can you get them to agree on this in advance?

It's fair to guess that this question isn't so much about age as political (or moral) affiliation, especially if it got much worse in late May, 2020. It needs context because bad things are happening in the name of "justice."

I rarely tolerated Fox News until they were the only ones speaking truths about endemic crime rates vs. the systemic racism angle. People are legitimately angry as they witness cities ruined on top of longstanding crime problems that get glossed over. In my case, my elderly mom takes the liberal view and I (who've actually lived among the "oppressed") have firsthand knowledge of what police are up against.

I see cases where both the Left and Right take factually wrong positions, and if family members clash on critical topics the tension won't fade. If one side is taking a logically untenable view, try to have a truly objective conversation and maybe someone can rest on the facts. If that's impossible or it's truly just a matter of opinion (not evidence) there's no easy answer.

I'm guessing you have a different political view is why it bothers you? Otherwise, you would probably join him!

You know how fish don't get caught?...They don't take the bait.
Warn them in advance if a discussion starts to become an argument you will leave or they will be asked to leave. Then....
If it is at their house and this starts say...If we can not have a discussion (as opposed to a fight) I am going to leave. If they continue you get up and leave. No good bye, no hug or kiss good bye just leave. If they are at your house and it starts you can get their coats and hats and keys and ask them to leave. If you are out at a restaurant or other place you get up and leave. If you have friends over and this starts you can ask your friends to join you in another room and you can all get up and go to the living room, kitchen or go to the patio or deck.
I would imagine doing this once or twice will get the point across.

He may be suffering depression -- consider taking him to the doctor and get him on some psychiatric meds. Difficult people usually suffer some kind of psychopathy.

Don't invite your parents!

There isn't a way except to not have gatherings with your parents around and let them know that is the reason they're not invited.

If they live with you then have them go to someone else's house for several hours while you intertain.

When it's just them and you, remember it takes two to tango and DON'T discuss anything with them of that nature.

When they make a comment, don't let them drag you in, just say interesting or is that so or just start talking about something else.

Those kind of people have always existed and if you think back, your parents have probably always brought up the hot topics. You actually reinforce what the topics are to avoid, meaning it is sitting right under the surface in their mind as the scab they can pick. The folks you invite over probably already know this about your parents. You have two choices - invite them or don't. If they can't avoid these topics, do your social visiting outside the home and have an enjoyable evening.

If you want to include them, then tell the guests not to engage and to find a reason to walk away if it starts. Interrupt your parents if you are within earshot. Change the subject immediately and remind them no politics.