Hi,
I've written about my father before, a very stubborn man, but I have kind of a specific question, "how to get him to realize he really has a problem and that meds can help".
My father goes through periods of time where he's mostly OK, but he'll spin himself up in a cocoon of anxiety which is pretty miserable. About 6 months ago I got him to try Zoloft, he did it for a month, the doctor upped the prescription slight, he got headaches and stopped. Thank god we did this though because we were selling off some of my mother's property and we never would have done it without the Zoloft.
Last week he called me in a total state, practically begging me to get him some Zoloft. I made him contact his GP, who gave the go-ahead for it. Three days in he gets the sweats (a very common side-effect), decides he's not going to take it anymore and that's that.
Note: just because there's a 6 month interval doesn't mean this isn't a regular occurrence, it's always there.
I think, maybe, he's going to talk to his GP about it, maybe try something else, I don't know. The plain truth is I'm certain he just doesn't want to take it.
And look, he's got reasons for anxiety, he can't see, he can't hear (hearing aids down (new one's incoming I hope)), Covid, Fox News, he's 90, etc. And he lives alone, won't accept any help with the house in any fashion or any shape.
Maybe this post is more about me, because frankly I'm just plain tired of this BLEEP! Everything is a fight! I don't think that there has been a single thing I've done for him in the last few years that wasn't either a direct fight or a low grade resistance on his part ("we can talk about that later").
The thing about the meds is, he's clearly miserable. When he was on the Zoloft there was a noticeable difference. He even admits it took the worst of it off. I can state that when he came off it the first time, I knew really quickly something had changed.
Sometimes, when he calls me, wrapped up in the anxiety, I want to say, "tough bleep, dude, you made the choice to be miserable." And, of course, the thing about mental health, it's not really all their choice.
Honestly, I'm just frustrated.
So I don't really see that there's anything left to tell him that he doesn't already know. If anyone is to be more prescriptive about the instructions maybe it should be his doctor: "If you want to feel better, take these. You are likely to experience x, y, z side effects in the short term but those side effects will wear off, so stick with it. Report back to me in six weeks."
Your role is then to be the broken record, repeating "take your meds." Just avoid adding the censorious remarks about his choosing to be miserable! - no matter what your level of frustration, after all it isn't you who suffers if he won't do as he's told, it's him.
We currently have a client who's just had his anxiety medication doubled. Personally I should much have preferred to give him twice as much time and reassurance than twice as much medication; but for one thing we don't *have* twice the time available, for another, the reassurance is not always successful, and most of all I'll be the first to admit that his not being terrified and feeling under attack when it's time to get ready for bed is definitely in his best interests. The meds do work.
I am shocked at myself for suggesting this, as I worked in Federal Law Enforcement for 34 years. Have you tried medical marijuana? In an edible form? If his PCP is aware of the problem with the Zoloft, he/she might be willing to prescribe marijuana for your dad. Just a thought.
I wanted to follow up on this.
My father and I talked today and he agreed he should take something. He said he felt better on it but he doesn't like the side-effects. He also talked to a new friend which seemed to help. And, he's going to have another conversation with his doctor.
So, I'm hopeful.
To be honest, and I think sometimes we forget that this affects us, but I've been listening and dealing with some level of his anxiety and depression for 4 years. My capacity for it just isn't there.
And I get breaks from it. I, honestly, don't know how some of you manage who not only deal with this and the other various parts of aging but do so for years on top of years. I have some distance, space and decent financial resources. It's got to be a nightmare for some.
Anyways, thanks for the replies.
Getting old is a hard business.
But really, having gone on this journey with my daughter, it seems to me that in order for the medication to really work, there had to be therapy sought out in conjunction with it.
My daughter had terrible panic attacks. When we finally found a child psychiatrist whose first instinct wasn't to medicate her to the point of numbness ( another long story) he explained her medication regiment as such: you take the medication to keep from having the physical symptoms of a panic attack; once that's under control you can start to address the reasons WHY you're having the panic attacks.
Your dad might need more than "just" the medication.
Gold luck.
Part of OCD is feeling the need TO focus on the slight details of every single thing that occurs in life. They can't see the forest through the trees as a result. So your dad cannot see the benefit of the Zoloft b/c he's too busy focusing on the headache he had and needs to find a way to get rid of IT. He can't get off of the hamster wheel until & unless his doctor has him commit to a solid regimen for a decent length of time, period. I don't know if you can get that fact across to him; THAT will be your goal, and maybe something you can convey to his doctor.
I feel your frustration. People with high anxiety & OCD tendencies are extremely difficult to deal with, I know. My mother is 94 and has moderately advanced dementia. I just had a 'conversation' with her where I tried (futilely) to talk her off the ledge she was on b/c she'd gone to dinner with some 'old ladies' who had ramped her up something fierce. Instead of wheeling herself away & going back to her room, she stayed with them and was SO anxiety ridden by the time I had called her that she was talking about wanting to die, and had 'peed herself'. I can't tell you how frustrated this makes ME because we have this talk continuously about how she should just stay AWAY from certain situations, but she just won't. Dementia is at play here, along with chronic and intense anxiety/OCD, so it just makes matters 1000% worse. She's on enough anti-depressants to calm down 10 people, yet it's like she takes a placebo. For some people, there ain't no pill on earth gonna help 'em.
Wishing you (and me) the best of luck dealing with very difficult people.
He went on it b/c I said he HAD to do something to help his anger problems and mood swings. Zoloft works and works well.
We're at the point in our marriage where we're sick of each other and he has been working his incredibly stressful job from home for the past year. EVERYTHING I DO is annoying to him and he'll start in after lunch with small snarky comments and by dinner I am so sick of him I want to scream. He ALSO won't wear his h/a's so he's shouting all day long at the computer and his online co-workers. He'll seek me out and yell 'to' me when things aren't working at work and I can't help him--but I also can't take his anger/frustration.
He's also addicted to FoxNews and has it on the TV all day long. He's only 69, but has gotten worse over the year--he's talking of retiring, but he hasn't made any moves in that direction, so I hope he stays for one more year. We need him to be back in the office and traveling. We need a plan for him to retire, or else he'll never get out of bed again.
I feel your pain--I have not gone the route of grinding up the Zoloft into food (for one thing, it's really nasty) but I have counted pills and called him out when he's super grouchy and made sure he knows he NEEDS to take this med.
Your relationship is different as it's your dad. I would not be so invested in my dad. But my DH, I have to live with.
Until they become AWARE that they NEED these meds to supply the chemical that their brains no longer NEED...they will not take them willingly nor consistently.
I hated being 'the bad guy'. But one thing that saved me was when my SIL had to be on something while he was doing his fellowship in Transplant medicine. He was on an AD for a couple years. I would not normally have shared that with my DH, but b/c he respects my brilliant SIL, he went 'so Joe takes AD's? Really?' and it changed everything.
Good Luck. I am on 2 meds just so I can live with DH w/o having daily meltdowns. Stupid when you have to medicate so you can live with the one person you should want to be with the most. But it is what it is.
I resumes half a 37.5 effexor every morning and that helps. But the real Godsend is Rescue remedy lozenges. Get them on Amazon - I've used them for years, even with my cats. No side effects.
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