Has anyone out there just completely walked away - without overwhelming guilt?
When getting your nails done isn't enough. I'm really starting to worry about my own mental health. I wake up every morning on the verge of tears - a lot of times I have tears running down my face while pouring my first cup of coffee. My mom is my first thought when I open my eyes and my last thought before I fall asleep. Then I wake frequently thinking of...wait for it...mom. EVERY time the phone rings my stomach clenches up, sometimes to the point of getting sick. I tried giving my mom her own ring tone or even a seperate line to call but often where she lives call from her room or she gives the seperate number out so that doesn't work. If I just don't pick up then I worry about what bomb is waiting for me on the message. Last night one of my moms old friends called - we had to move mom - again - last Monday and the friend wanted to see how mom is. The friend was so kind - asked me how I was doing, said I was a wonderful daughter for all I did - things I haven't heard from my own mom in years. From mom I get nothing but meaness. And yes - I know it's the disease but repeating that montra just doesn't help anymore. Because I have an adult son with severe autism living at home getting away isn't an option. And frankly "carving out me time" is so difficult and stressful it can make things worst. I just want to go ONE DAY without my phone ringing, without having to talk to her doctor, her pt, where she lives...her,her,her! Short of running away from home, I don't know what to do. I want to clean my own house, go to the store without picking up something for her. I want to be more of a wife than the tired, drained bitch my husband comes home to - he wants that too, I'm sure.
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Talk to your doctor about helping you with your anxiety. You need medication. Make an appointment today.
I am telling you, friend, if you do not get a handle on the stress in your life? Mom will outlive you.
You articulate your state of mind very well. Your post really got my attention. I agree with Maggie. You've got to get some relief. Step back, unplug moms phone, cut down on visits, or completely walk away. There will always be some guilt and people will criticize even the most diligent caregivers. But it sounds to me your fed up gauge is in the red zone.
Perhaps this different approach might work. Ask yourself if you've done everything you can to make your mother safe. Is there anything more than can be done, excluding your being available 24/7? If not, then know that that aspect is addressed.
I know that's easier said than done; in these situations we never know what will happen to drastically change their lives and ours, but other than what we can control and safety measures we can implement, there is in fact an element of uncertainty that none of us can control. It's really that way with life, whether we're young or old.
Take the same approach with the calls; TAKE CONTROL of them yourself. Call her in the morning and advise of your plans, including that you won't be available until noon. Call again at noon, same routine. Call at night and before bed, same routine. Try to get her used to these checkpoint calls to reassure her, while you're also backing off from taking repeated calls.
I assume you have voice mail, so you can check the messages after she calls. If something does happen, I'm assuming that someone in the facility is going to be calling you as well. Unfortunately, there is a limit to how much we can control uncertainty and spontaneous events.
If she asks for something that she thinks she needs now, tell her you'll work on it and take care of it along with your other plans. Do follow up on that, so she can know that you're not just blowing her off. But don't stop and shift gears to accomplish it right then.
I don't know if it will change her approach, but really, you can't provide any more support by taking every single call, so take control of that aspect and set up the arrangements to your satisfaction.
Be firm though; the first few times you have to tell her you have other things on the agenda will be hard, and she may remind you of it the next time you call. Just tell her you're balancing her needs with that of your family. Period. You DON'T NEED to explain why you can't do more.
Have confidence in yourself and start the process of balancing the control in this relationship, as you don't have it right now but need it to maintain your sanity.
"It's not me. Yay!!" Post back later on.
There is no need for constant calling--esp if she is in care. We made it clear to the facility that mother moved to, that WE would call and visit HER. They had my brother's number and he would field the calls for the rest of us. He is able to absorb Mother's anger and figure out if her issues were serious. I DID step away for a month, didn't talk to her or visit her after the bedpan incident. She was having hallucinations on her pain meds, so I can only attribute that offbeat behavior to those. She's calmed down in the year since, gone back to brother's and is doing OK. Change your number, let the people who are being PAID to take care of her do so. You WILL get sick if you let this stress take over your life.
I too have had the same problem. Now when I post, I copy my post and all answers into a word processing document with the URL so I can find the post that way.
I don't care what is causing your mum's behaviour, I am more concerned about your behaviour, You have needs and they are not being attended to, Your mum is being looked after - she is safe, housed, fed and has carers around her. There is no law that says you have to put yourself last and these demands of your mum first. You have a huge load with a severely autistic son and a mother with ALZ. What happens to him of something happens to you? Put the oxygen mask on yourself first. Your husband's and your child's needs and your eed come before your mother's. Take time for yourself, consider seeing a therapist as to why you got yourself into this predicament of messed up priorities and why guilt is running your life.
Have you heard of FOG - fear, obligation and guilt? You are lost in it. Find your way out by not allowing the FOG to rule your decisions. Real guilt is when you have done something wrong which you haven't towards your mum except enabling her. Why not feel guilt towards your husband for not being there for him? False guilt is what you are feeling - which happens when you do not live up to the usually unrealistic expectations of others e.g. your mother. You are allowing yourself to be manipulated by her - disease or not - it is not healthy for you or your family and you are the only one who can change it.
Good luck and blessings to you in this difficult journey. I trust you will start to make some changes for your own and you immediate family's benefit.
I eventually discovered that she needed more care than regular assisted living where she was staying. They were not equipped. It was very stressful to await those calls.
The key for us was moving her to a Memory Care facility. They knew how to care for her and not call me for trivial matters. They occupy her time and she does not call me repeatedly. The facility will call me if there is some reason to call me. That's it. I call them and ask questions. I call and speak with her. I know that she is being well cared for and it is a good feeling.
I hope the new placement for you mother works out well. If they are a good fit, you might see a big improvement.
There is still responsibility, that I would rather not have, but the daily care is in their hands and they do it wonderfully without checking with me on every issue.
As for losing it, your clearly understood posting shows that while you may be severely stressed, you are not losing your mind. While you may need help, the truly mentally ill do not notice that they need help.
Keep posting, get it all out, don't stop now. That can help, don't even stop to explain except as you are able or want to. I slightly can understand about the autism part of your issues. Get someone to visit you and your son, maybe from an autism support group.
As for your mom, pick any of the good answers here that you feel comfortable with. If you walked away, at this point, the overwhelming guilt would be easier to handle than how you are feeling now.
Is it time to ask your husband to take an entire day away with your son? Saturday?
Fortunately, feelings change, we feel stronger, then more hopeful. It is at those times we can make better choices so that when the stress comes on, like say for any reason whatsoever, the new moon, the full moon, we can wait it out.
Just don't do anything, sometimes that is all we can do, nothing.
Feel better soon.
I'm going to get a dr. appointment for me - by the end of the day. The comment that me denying the need for help is exactly what my mom is doing - well, that hit home.
I would ask the prescribing doctor when you could expect that the Ativan would be effective, give it a chance first before trying something else.
Does your son ever answer the phone or talk to grandma?
Everyone has already given such great suggestions already....but one thing to keep in mind, is that some day, she will pass away, and you will miss her (hard to believe that). So be sure to keep the big picture in mind. My mom is gone now and I had spent so much time & energy taking care of her needs (multiple phone calls some days, yes) that now, I find myself not knowing what to do with myself. Except that my (rotten) siblings are making my life miserable over the estate proceedings.
At one point the folks from my mom's facility were calling me everyday at work, I really never found out why. I sat down with the social worker and told her that my brother or I should be called in a medical emergency. That I was not transporting my mother anywhere in my personal vehicle since she tried to grab the steering wheel out of my husband's hands. That I couldn't push her wheelchair because my knees are both bone on bone. That I couldn't take my mother to outside dr appointments without an aide because I can't talk to the doctor and tend to my mom's bathroom needs and anxiety at the same time. You know what? They listened.
YOU are not the expert here. They are.
Ask them to call you when they've figured out a medication regimen that works.