When getting your nails done isn't enough. I'm really starting to worry about my own mental health. I wake up every morning on the verge of tears - a lot of times I have tears running down my face while pouring my first cup of coffee. My mom is my first thought when I open my eyes and my last thought before I fall asleep. Then I wake frequently thinking of...wait for it...mom. EVERY time the phone rings my stomach clenches up, sometimes to the point of getting sick. I tried giving my mom her own ring tone or even a seperate line to call but often where she lives call from her room or she gives the seperate number out so that doesn't work. If I just don't pick up then I worry about what bomb is waiting for me on the message. Last night one of my moms old friends called - we had to move mom - again - last Monday and the friend wanted to see how mom is. The friend was so kind - asked me how I was doing, said I was a wonderful daughter for all I did - things I haven't heard from my own mom in years. From mom I get nothing but meaness. And yes - I know it's the disease but repeating that montra just doesn't help anymore. Because I have an adult son with severe autism living at home getting away isn't an option. And frankly "carving out me time" is so difficult and stressful it can make things worst. I just want to go ONE DAY without my phone ringing, without having to talk to her doctor, her pt, where she lives...her,her,her! Short of running away from home, I don't know what to do. I want to clean my own house, go to the store without picking up something for her. I want to be more of a wife than the tired, drained bitch my husband comes home to - he wants that too, I'm sure.
Distancing or detaching are not selfish - they are self protective. It is not good to push yourself to the point of collapsing, but you know that already, so the question is why do so many do it. We have to care for self - put the oxygen mask on ourselves first. Sounds like you are caught in the FOG. Check my earlier post for that. Let go of the false guilt. ((((((((hugs)))))))
rain - good for you. Did you make a drs appointment for you? From what I see in this forum and with my own experience with my mother often the main thing that helps at this stage of life is meds. She has vascular dementia, borderline personality disorder and narcissism and without meds is agitated, paranoid, delusional, has psychotic attacks... With meds she is calm and her life is manageable. A regular sleeping pill has been added as well as an antidepressant recently. As the disease progresses the meds need to be adjusted. Keep focussing on and looking after you.
I too would like to join the chocolate party, but not under a bridge. How about a great spa where we get massages and heck nails done too!
I visit when I want and have removed myself from day to day caring of mom.
If I did not take this step..... I would probably be in the hospital myself. You cannot do it all by yourself. My breakdown taught me that. My immediate familly suffered because I was trying to take care of mom.....
Please take care of yourself first. Don't feel guilty because you will be the one getting sick and mom will outlive you!
Took mom to the grocery store this week and while I was checking out I noticed a man around her age was talking to her while she was waiting. I walked over and joined the conversation. Out of nowhere he starts crying saying that his only caretaker, his nephew, dropped dead that week at age 56 and he has no other immediate family. That friends brought his ashes back to the house and he has adopted the cats. It was so heartbreaking. Told mom cherish the help you have from your daughter.
Rainmom, get professional help (Mental therapy with a LCSW, psychologist, etc., through your health plan, if it covers it) to get over the guilt. I made an appointment for next week so I can get some coping strategies for dealing with my angry mother. I can't wait to see what they have to say! Obviously, we can't figure it out ourselves, and that's when we should get help. We are toxic to ourselves if we don't. They will teach us what we don't know.
In my case, I relate strongly to Parentalptsd. My mother was not physically nor verbally loving when I grew up, but I was never mistreated. I just felt "in the way". I found out at age 11 that I was a big "oops", as my mother was separated but still legally married to her first husband when she got pregnant with my father. They were drinkers and "got caught". They married even though my mom was not divorced from hubby #1. They divorced 5 years later. It was a crappy childhood.
I stayed in touch with mother all my adult life and she was at all family get togethers. She always wanted to be the center of attention.
Now, she's 92, has Alzheimer's level 5-6 and dislikes me very much. I just put her in a memory care home and she attacked me on the second visit. She loves my husband but can't stand me. The "normal" reaction would be to not see someone if they don't want to be around you. Given my childhood, my feelings are only lukewarm towards her. Hopefully, the therapist will help me deal with her.
We all have our own difficulties with this damn disease and I'll take any help I can get. Like I've said, "I'm doing the best I can." We are not their saviors. The only thing we owe them is their safety, food, shelter and basic comfort. I'm sure you have provided her that, as I have. Do not go crazy trying to be superhuman. She's fine.
I'm watching my best friend loose it all (health, mind) because she made a promise to her grandmother to keep her at home until she dies. At this rate, my friend will die first from the stress. Those nearer death should not affect the lives of their caregivers to such a point that they suffer sickness/death. At what cost is caregiving?
On a side note I did want to respond to comments regarding my son. He is nonverbal and functions at about a two yr old level. He is the light of my life and rewards me everyday with the most beautiful smile you've ever seen. My most peaceful moments are when we'll take a nap together - I put my arm over his chest and feeling his heartbeat sooths me. I am beyond grateful that I will never be able to do to him what my mother has done to me.
I'm married to a Mexican man whose culture worships mothers. He and moms doctor (Hispanic also) are always saying, "Come on, she's your MOTHER and she has Alzheimer's", like that's supposed to shut off all my hurt feelings. I'm trying not to take it personally, but when it goes along with your/her past, it's hard not to.
Good luck to us all.
Is it possible to hire someone to stay with him while you and your husband take a little break to reconnect? You deserve some relief and happiness and fun. If you can remember what those felt like.
I wish you well.
Second, mom has dementia, right? You can't expect her to be considerate of you, understand that you can't come. "Mom, I have a cold, I can't come today". click.
You don't wait for the " oh, I'm sorry you're not feeling well". She's no longer capable of that. You need to put up firm boundaries and visit on your own schedule, when you want to.
Get on the Alzheimers Assoc. web site and read about what's involved as she progresses through stages 1-7 (then death).
I didn't have a good working knowledge of what this disease is all about and I have (intermittently) taken care of patients with it for 36 years.
You will learn a lot. It may make you realize (as it did me) that she won't ever be the same person she was. It seems to exacerbate what her personality was before she was diagnosed. There are some OK days and some bad days.
If you're really serious about completely walking away, could you get a sibling or family member to do it? Check out if she could become a ward of the state. They can't force you to take care of her.
The only way to get through this, in my way of thinking, is to remind oneself, over and over " I'm driving the bus: I'm driving the bus".. If she takes the wheel, you'll all end up in the ditch.