When getting your nails done isn't enough. I'm really starting to worry about my own mental health. I wake up every morning on the verge of tears - a lot of times I have tears running down my face while pouring my first cup of coffee. My mom is my first thought when I open my eyes and my last thought before I fall asleep. Then I wake frequently thinking of...wait for it...mom. EVERY time the phone rings my stomach clenches up, sometimes to the point of getting sick. I tried giving my mom her own ring tone or even a seperate line to call but often where she lives call from her room or she gives the seperate number out so that doesn't work. If I just don't pick up then I worry about what bomb is waiting for me on the message. Last night one of my moms old friends called - we had to move mom - again - last Monday and the friend wanted to see how mom is. The friend was so kind - asked me how I was doing, said I was a wonderful daughter for all I did - things I haven't heard from my own mom in years. From mom I get nothing but meaness. And yes - I know it's the disease but repeating that montra just doesn't help anymore. Because I have an adult son with severe autism living at home getting away isn't an option. And frankly "carving out me time" is so difficult and stressful it can make things worst. I just want to go ONE DAY without my phone ringing, without having to talk to her doctor, her pt, where she lives...her,her,her! Short of running away from home, I don't know what to do. I want to clean my own house, go to the store without picking up something for her. I want to be more of a wife than the tired, drained bitch my husband comes home to - he wants that too, I'm sure.
Y internalized the stress...you wake up in tears, cry through coffee. You have a special needs child, a needy mother and a marriage you do not want to damage.
Talk to your husband, remind him of that you love him and are under great stress, have a good cry. Maybe try to see a therapist, maybe even try a virtual option.....therapy is all about talking and focusing on certain things.....the online version can work for someone like you who is very self aware and short on time.
Your problem is not about changing phone lines or spending a day at the spa (which could not hurt), but about getting your arms around the very real stress producers you have in your life.
Best to you
L
We had a pretty bad tiff today over the phone, and she was very mean to me. I asked her if she still loved me, and she broke down crying and said yes, with all my heart. And i asked her, then why are so angry at me all the time? And she said, because you don't do anything I want.
I am the one who managed and did the bulk of Mom's care for 6 years from 60 miles away while sis who lived 2 miles from Mom breezed in & out and controlled the money. Then Mom moved in with me & my family and it was a disaster. That lasted for 2 months. Mom moved in to Assisted Living 10 months ago, again by sister, and I told the facility to contact sister 1st & not me. Sis now acknowledging and admitting to everyone all that I did the past 6+ years.
Well, about 2 hours ago I got an email from sis complaining about "all the calls" and today was the worst because she had to go over there as Mom was having a bad day. Ahhhh, karma! Meanwhile, I breeze in & out on my Saturday visits, and Mom is tickled pink because I drive "such a distance" as she tells anyone and everyone.
Guilt? Nope. Secret pleasure? YUP.
I have found a couple of strategies that are helping me cope and that's enough for now.
You should also remember that harboring and saving up your resentment to heap on someone later is very unhealthy.
I couldn't disagree more with this statement "It's her time now, not yours." In my view, most of our parents had their time - their 15 or 20 years of leisurely retirement when they didn't have to think of anybody but themselves. My mother certainly did. She retired on a shoestring at 58 and spent the next 20 years flitting about with friends and activities and rarely giving her family a second thought. Then when her faculties start to fail she's back in the picture, expecting her children (mainly me) to tend her needs and throw in whatever extra money she needs to maintain her lifestyle.
I retired 2 years ago and I have not had a single day of carefree leisure, a single trip or vacation, nor is there any forecast in the foreseeable future. Mom's needs have taken over my life, making the kind of carefree retirement she had impossible for me. As far as I'm concerned, she's had her time. This is my time now. And she's stealing it with her lack of planning, poor choices, and sheer selfishness.
And of course as humans we do have free will and have a right if not obligation to exercise it.
LovesDad, I hope today is a better day for you.
There are many stories of marriages failing, caregivers getting sick or worse dying, so we know tomorrow is not guaranteed. We can't wait out our parents and defer our own lives because sometimes that is cut short and the window of opportunity to really live is missed entirely which we've seen here. Just reading those posts are devastating to me though they are a complete stranger. It's just sad.
One night my hub and I both starting tearing up after we left our parents. Not because anything was wrong, but because our lives have been greatly impeded upon and it just seems to get blown off by them sometimes...very frustrating. I've seen where some say a parent wouldn't want us to give up our lives if they were in their right mind, and maybe that's true I don't know. But my parents are still with it enough that I honestly think our well being is a distant second compared to their every need. So, next month, hub and I are taking a week after my birthday and going to Vegas...for an entire week. I've already arranged to extend the companion care during the time. They will be mad, that's too bad. We are tired and stressed out and my patience seems to get shorter by the day.
Just wanted to offer this additional perspective along with others here. Please come back and let us know how you're doing and hope you take proper care of yourself to know the warning signs when you need to be first and do that for yourself and family. It will also help ensure you can be there for your dad going forward. All the best.
At the time my mother passed my blood pressure was dangerously high, I was supposed to go back for a recheck and if it was still high start on meds, but I decided to give myself time to breathe and just be me.
The palpitations, hearing my blood thumping as I tried to sleep, and the sick thundering stomach 24/7 have gone away. Christmas in a couple of weeks. I have no family and most friends are far away. I get invitations but, as usual, it will be me and my beloved dogs, eating things we shouldn't, curled up by the fire watching old movies.
I'm giving myself until after New Years then I'll see how I feel about getting the BP rechecked. In the meantime I'm puttering around home, doing just as I please each day and enjoying the peace and quiet of country living.
Don
At first I felt just horrible....after several days, I am feeling lighter and better. I have no plans to visit her and lobbed the ball of "mother care" to my youngest sister who has done nothing to care for mother.
I used to have horrible guilt if I didn't get up to her place at least twice a week for general maintenance and cleaning....I hope sis appreciates what a pain this is...those depends need to go out daily...and I'm not doing it.
Yeah...a little guilt, but it's fading fast.