When getting your nails done isn't enough. I'm really starting to worry about my own mental health. I wake up every morning on the verge of tears - a lot of times I have tears running down my face while pouring my first cup of coffee. My mom is my first thought when I open my eyes and my last thought before I fall asleep. Then I wake frequently thinking of...wait for it...mom. EVERY time the phone rings my stomach clenches up, sometimes to the point of getting sick. I tried giving my mom her own ring tone or even a seperate line to call but often where she lives call from her room or she gives the seperate number out so that doesn't work. If I just don't pick up then I worry about what bomb is waiting for me on the message. Last night one of my moms old friends called - we had to move mom - again - last Monday and the friend wanted to see how mom is. The friend was so kind - asked me how I was doing, said I was a wonderful daughter for all I did - things I haven't heard from my own mom in years. From mom I get nothing but meaness. And yes - I know it's the disease but repeating that montra just doesn't help anymore. Because I have an adult son with severe autism living at home getting away isn't an option. And frankly "carving out me time" is so difficult and stressful it can make things worst. I just want to go ONE DAY without my phone ringing, without having to talk to her doctor, her pt, where she lives...her,her,her! Short of running away from home, I don't know what to do. I want to clean my own house, go to the store without picking up something for her. I want to be more of a wife than the tired, drained bitch my husband comes home to - he wants that too, I'm sure.
I am all too aware of mother's little machinations. I'm done. Sis can handle this issue and if and when I feel like stepping in again, I will do so. Not until after she sees the surgeon, for sure.
Oddly enough, the reason I was up there last week was to help her "make" Christmas cards for her to send her friends. I had taken some pictures of her when I took her to visit the newest ggrandchild. She wanted to have those printed out into cards....and now, nope. She doesn't think ahead, our "meddling" is what keeps her going. I think this may sink in soon.
Now to answer your question about walking away without guilt, just do it. Just think about your own needs like I did when I had to take care of myself. Yes, I have at times walked away to take care of myself out of absolute necessity. No, I didn't feel much guilt because I knew the need was legitimate. You just have to put yourself and your immediate household first, especially if you happen to have kids at home as well as a husband. Whoever is in your household is top priority, but you are ultimately top priority if you happen to be running that household and doing most or all of the work. You must be able to take care of yourself before being able to take care of anyone else, and this requires self-care. Let's say you're at someone's house all day from very early morning and you happen to be tired. It's one thing to have to walk away to get some sleep at your safe haven, but prioritize that if you happen to have epilepsy or other health issue that can be triggered by sleep deprivation. Let's say you happen to have seizures that are triggered by sleep deprivation, so you must prioritize your own needs so that you don't have a seizure. Focus on your immediate emergency needs and you won't feel guilty about walking away to take care of yourself. Think of the consequences of not walking away when you need to.
We had over a foot of snow here today, with more coming. I think she is going to suddenly remember WHO owns the 4wheel drive SUV that can go ANYWHERE and who doesn't (brother). They often cannot get out of their neighborhood. Gonna be a long winter for her if her one last "driving friend" can't get up and down the hill mother lives on.
I did talk to younger sis. She is not going to even talk to mother. She is just going to show up at the surgeon's appt in Jan. Wow, that should be fun. "S" said she was too stressed with the holidays to do anything right now, and I trust she'll handle this just fine.
And yes, Depends duty is pretty nasty...mother is so many drugs, all of which are excreted in the urine...the smell is horrible, and those things need to go to the outside trash immediately....but they'll sit for days and days.
Yep, I do feel really relieved. Still smarting a bit from the comments she made, but those will fade. (She, no doubt, doesn't even remember)
Don
She also moved 1,000 miles away from me 3 years ago. I do not have deep pockets and cannot afford to visit her there. All she ever talks about is herself and how much pain she is in. I try to listen wih a sympathetic ear but it seems like she doesn't care. She told me today she cries all day long every single day. Then when I call to speak to her she is busy with something else. So what can I do?
She will have to cry all day long every single day all by herself since she moved away and when I call to speak with her she is too busy watching TV, cooking, meeting friends or what have you.
I know she cries a lot and is in pain. She just seems angry at me for even calling. And heaven forbid if I have something on my own mind that I would like to discuss with her. She will not hear it. I guess this comes with old age. It's very tough.
How did I run away, I broke my shoulder falling in my office parking lot thus I was out of commission for 6 months, because at my own senior age it took bones longer to heal, and after the hearling 3x a week I had physical therapy because my arm muscle froze up. And of all things, it was the right arm and I was right handed.... so much fun trying to eat, I resembled a 3 years old at the table, what a mess.... my hair was a rat's next because combing it left handed didn't quite work, same with brushing teeth.... forget eyeliner and makeup.... and most of all forget writing, it resembled a toddler trying to write.
Thus I was unable to help my parents for 6 months because I also couldn't drive... no way was I able to bend myself to put the key in ignition, and if I could we would be sitting in PARK the whole time as I couldn't shift gears. So I had to cancel all of my parent's dozens and dozens of doctor appointments because they wouldn't ride with a stranger [taxi]. Talk about guilt.
I still remember my Dad, a week after the break, calling to see if I could drive him to the barber shop..... hello, wasn't anyone listening to me???
My parents figured since I was back to work that everything was ok.... my sig other drove me and picked me up, and the rehab doctor was right across the hall from my office. Oh, ever try typing one handed and use a Mouse with the other hand... that Mouse was scooting all over the screen :P