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Here is some background. Back on the 4th of July weekend this summer my Dad had an incident where he needed to go to the hospital, then rehab, then assisted living, where he still is now. Because I was 500 miles away and work 2 jobs, and was his POA I couldn't figure out how to make it all work from so far away, I didn't feel like I would ever know what was going on, and he lived in a very expensive town and his funds were not going to go far in the AL world. He had several delusional episodes while in rehab which were likely caused by the UTI but I didn't know that at the time. It was very hard to get him to comprehend everything that was happening, and he does not do well on the phone. So I found a nice facility to move him to, it was in a more rural area, more affordable and I got him a private room at a semi-private rate. I took out 2 loans, one a 4 year loan for his almost $4,000 medical transport. The people at rehab asked him if he understood, that he was moving and going to AL, he said he did, I had been down and shown him pictures I took on tour, he liked it, he told the transport people he was excited that I wasn't going to have to do the 500 mile drive on the weekends and that he would see me more. Things started OK, we had our first outing which was great, then they went into a modified lockdown. His mood seemed to depend on what they served for dinner and how much his back hurt. I was the first time in over 22 years we were going to be together for all the fall holidays, I have been using all my time over the years to go see him, So I signed a new 2 year lease on a new home thinking we had all this time to get to know each other again and go on excursions as we used to travel together and he wanted to go to New York one more time, and 3 days after I sign the lease he calls me and says he has talked to his cousins and they have all decided he should move back to the state he just left. He has always wanted to go live there, they live in the city where he was born, He thinks they will visit him every day, I only was able to go twice a week (oh I should add I am his only child and my mom died 22 years ago). He has had a love affair with the cousins every since Mom died, but he always goes to see them, they never came to see him. They used to live 6 hours away by car. He is thrilled now, he is moving further away from me than he was, I asked for a 2 week pause so I could get moved, and they said no. He has 9 more nights here and I am a total wreck. I cry at night, I am on the verge of tears all day, I feel like I may never see him again. I have talked to my lawyer about this, so those bases are covered, I just feel like a complete failure as a caregiver. I read on here what everyone else does, he lasted 6 weeks here before jumping ship, I mentioned that he hadn't given it a chance, he just wants to see the cousins before he dies, I should also mention he is very narcissistic, perhaps even has narcissistic personality disorder. So I was the one that had to do all the mean things, close out his apartment, get rid of the car, cancel club memberships and they are riding in on their white horses to rescue him and I am just devastated. Sorry this is so long, I was just totally blindsided again, and I have no idea what happened. Anyone else ever have this happen?

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nightowl206: I am so sorry that this happened to you. Prayers sent.
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You're right he didn't have enough time to settle and the cousins have not helped. However you haven't failed, you haven't been given time to succeed. So if he wants to go and live in a town with his cousins who will soon not be doing what he expects, he is soon going to be complaining about that facility and wanting to move again. It takes anyone moving into a change of home and carers a minimum of three and closer to 6 months to settle in. During which time they need to find their way with what they can do, who they can see etc. If you let him do what he wants to then you are following his wishes, it is no judgement on your or your care - parents are adults and allowed to make their own choices whilst mentally capable. Let him go and hope it makes him happy, and enjoy your life until a time comes when you are needed.
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Narcissistic individuals are so challenging to deal with...before the losses of aging and some dementia behaviors set in.
I was lucky in that my dad (definitely a narcissist) got sick and died suddenly at age 88. He was still working. A relief -he would have been a nightmare as a patient.
One of my sisters is doing the bulk of the caregiving, along with her husband. She is the one that acted out the worst as an adolescent and still feels guilty about that.
And she is still trying for my mother's love and approval, just as she did for dad's approval before he died. She is very much like him in temperament and interests.
In our household there was always a competition - for attention, for resources, for approval and affection, for privileges. It still shows.
Lots of therapy and 7 years living on the other side of the country helped me not fall back into the mess when I returned, living beside my sister. And my mother.
For anyone dealing with this stuff, please try to detach from the old messages and roles, set limits early on (they will be angry with you, but you might as well get it over with), and look out for yourself first. Get support, like here, so as not to get sucked in.
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I would definitely have a long talk with cousins. What your father says may in fact not be the reality. And they should understand what he says they have committed too. You may be very surprised at the discrepancies. And keep in mind always that narcissists are not "normal" people.
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Nightowl, I went through something similar with my dad, only I knew he wanted to be with others because I have boundaries and he didn't like that at all.

Let him go with the understanding that you won't be rescuing him again. You won't be rushing to emergencies and you won't listen to any problems with the situation in NC.

As others have said, you dodged a bullet and you should be grateful that you aren't trapped by his narcissistic behaviors.

I told my dad that he could do whatever he could do. That didn't mean me making arrangements, calls, trips or anything else. He did it. I saw him one more time after he moved away and it tore my guts out to see how much his choices had cost him.

I think he would have happily let me rescue him again but, I didn't have it in me to play his game again. He gets frail and weak from lack of care, I swoop in and get him healthy, back on his feet, financially stable and he takes off to do what he wants. Nope, didn't have the strength to have my heart stomped again.

This is not a failure on your part. There is nothing you could have done except forgo your own life and been his personal slave, dancing to his tune, kissing his butt and being completely miserable. That is what narcs demand or they move on to devour someone that will do these things. Let the cuz have at it and good luck.

Find someone to fulfill your desires with, live your dreams and take your trips.
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Unfortunately this is the sort of behavior you have to expect from narcissists. I don't think they are capable of loving or caring about other people. Please understand YOU are not at fault here, not at all. It's like you just can't get blood out of a turnip. They are what they are and if you want to have any dealings with them you do have to protect yourself.
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Even though I'm an only child, I'm male, so my mother is closer to my female cousin than she is to me. They've shared all their intimate secrets and my cousin loves my mother while her own mother drives her crazy.

My mother was in a 55+ community and when she could no longer take care of herself my cousin (who has a husband, grown children and grandchildren) moved from SC to TX to live with her for almost 2 years.

My mother went into AL almost 4 years ago, my cousin moved back to SC, and even though I am 25 miles away she consistently called my cousin for everything. To order items for her, to tell her the staff hadn't immediately responded when she called, etc. I had a demanding 24/7 career and she always said she didn't want to bother me. Even though I visited once a week she never called me.

So now my mother is at the end of her life. My cousin came to visit and although we were both consistently in the room she would ask my cousin to give her water, etc.

I don't feel the least bit put off by this. I'm the one who has worked the magic behind the scenes for 21 years for my mother to live a good life. Selling her home, selling my father's car, selling her home in the 55+ community, selling her furniture, moving her to AL and paying for everything. But I know how close she is with my cousin and I am actually very thankful that my cousin has taken so much pressure off me by being so active in my mother's life. If your father feels comfortable and happy being taken care of by more distant relatives then it may free you to live your life. In caregiver situations, sometimes you need to think more clinically rather than think with your heart.
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Goddatter Oct 2021
My mother now prefers my cousins to me because they are “from *her* family,” and I and my siblings, her own children, are not - in her mind, at least. The distinction is they (her nieces and nephews) share her maiden name and birth location. Her own children have my father’s name and birth location. It is not rationally logical, but it is how her mind is currently working as she retreats further into the past, and dementia destroys her mind. I am most grateful my cousins are stepping in to help.
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Nightowl,
Have you considered staying where you are and cancelling your 2 year lease?

If Dad is moving, you have no obligation to get him there. Have you considered doing nothing? As POA, you do not need to fund the move.

Will you please update us?

With all these answers, hope you are feeling better about yourself, not a failure!
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He is probably remembering his past with his cousins. And probably remembers the fun times...and his mind nowadays will have him believed there were many more family get togethers than actually happened. Or maybe he did spend nearly every day with them.

His cousins will probably be about his own age. It's very likely they aren't going to be able to get out and about any more than he can on his own. Try to think of it as his last fling with family and to renew his past. Maybe it will turn out that they are actually very close to him and will visit/take him out quite often. If so, he will certainly enjoy life more than sitting every day waiting on a visitor ----- very long days. (You might even call the cousins to find out what is going to realistically happen - can they visit every day, can they take him for outings, and let them know that's what he's expecting)

Just let him know now about reversing this plan in the future - can he afford to move back to your area? Is he making a permanent decision that you can't reverse later on? Have this discussion now before he goes. If he wants to go, then just do your best to stay in touch and visit when you can. Trust me, he probably believes these folks are going to give him more one-on-one time that you can do right now....and maybe they can. I don't think it is to purposely hurt you - he's just in self-preservation mode now and concerned about himself.
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Is your father considered to be mentally competent? If so, he can make this decision. AND, he will have to live with the consequences. If he is not mentally competent, he really can't make this decision - you can. Do what is in your father's best interest. Also, do not get any more loans out in your name to cover expenses for his care. If a loan is needed, it should be in his name for his care.
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How is it that a visit to the cousins was not arranged first?
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Talk to cousins and make sure they understand that he is now their responsiblity. And for heaven's sake if Dad has funds, please deduct that $4k loan from his account. Never, ever, ever use your own funds in such a large amount, to take care of a loved one; what happens if you get sick and need the funds. Get that money back as quickly as you can.
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Clairesmum Oct 2021
Good guidance. If NightOwl is able to cancel a loan or lease that she took out in order to facilitate her role as his caregiver, getting it back is important. And not to expect that he will remember her in his will. Elder care costs lots of money...when he runs out the state will have to pay for his care.
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I'm with Barb. My question is, what happens when dad realizes The Cousins are NOT interested in caring for him (more than likely) and are definitely not coming to visit him daily? Then what? Then he calls you and begs you to rescue him once again, insisting he'll listen to you this time and do whatever you want him to do?

Like Barb said, "I would present dad with the bills for what you've laid out and tell him you hope this works out because you won't be available for any more requests or rescues."

But first, I'd get on the horn to these cousins to find out what THEY know about all of this? Then go from there.

If they're good with him moving back to be close to them, I'd dry my tears, present dad with the bill as stated above, and move on with my life. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on ME.

GOOD LUCK!
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Let the cousins take care of him then. If they want to make you the villain while they ride in on their white horses to rescue your father, let them.
Only get it in writing. See how heroic they are when you suggest that they can legally take on the responsibility of conservatorship over your father's person, but you will maintain POA and make all financial decisions concerning your father's money and assets.
Then see how willing the cousins are to become caregivers to your father.
You're in a tough spot because you have to make the actual decisions for him. Putting him in a care facility closer to you is what's right for both of you. It may not be what he wants or what everyone likes, but it is what's right. Unless these cousins are willing to legally take the responsibility for your father through conservatorship, they don't get a vote. You do what you think is best. Not what they think is.
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What happens far more often is that the only child finds him or herself dealing solo - because the existing network has been left behind - with a narcissistic parent who, now, has nobody else to feed on and decides to target all of the blame for all of his or her ills on the one who was responsible for the move to the current situation. Which would have been you. All of his pain, loneliness, boredom, loss of freedom, increasing frailty would have become Your Fault.

I know it doesn't feel like it now, but in years to come you will be glad of this decision. You have dodged a bullet.

And, to be fair, perhaps so has he. I see you have your doubts about whether the cousins will step up, but let's see. At least there's more than just one of them!

Where does this leave you about the lease, though?
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BurntCaregiver Oct 2021
Not necessarily, Countrymouse. A person can have a dozen siblings and usually the full responsibility of the elderly, needy, narcissistic parent will fall to only one.
The one who ends up drawing the short straw among their siblings when it comes to taking care of the parents is usually the one mom and dad treated the worst. Or who they were the most abusive to.
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I am with Brooklyn here. Are the cousins aware of his plans? Have you talked to them? Have you explained the problems that Dad has had in the past? Have you told them that you live too far away to be of any help to him? So, he will be depending on them.

There are many posts on this forum concerning Narcissistic parents. The one common thing is they are self-centered. They really don't see how their actions effect someone else. I have a feeling you have been looking for love from a Dad that he may not be able to give it. He just doesn't know how.

First you cannot just "involk" your POA. You need to read it and see if it is immediate or Springing. If Springing, you need to probably have one or two doctors declare Dad incompetent to make informed decisions. And even then, you may not be able to force him to stay. Guardianship will only give u that power. POA is a tool. You are Dad's representative. You abide by his wishes. It gives you the ability to help him when he can no longer do his finances. The ability to work with his bank, creditors. It does not mean you physically have to move him, care for him, u can hire someone to do that using HIS money. And you should have used his money for that transport. I may still do it. If you are handling his money, take out that 4k from his acct and pay that loan off.

If your Dad has a Dementia, this is why your are blind sided. There is no rhyme or reason to this desease.

What you do now is tell Dad that if he is leaving, he is doing it all on his own. You will not be helping him. If he needs help, he needs to get one of his cousins involved. If they want him nearby, then they need to help. Also, he may want to consider a cousin to be his POA since he will be closer to them. You won't be able to help so far away.

Just reread your post "I asked for a 2 week pause so I could get moved, and they said no." Is this the cousins? Then I guess they are doing all the work? If not, you tell them you are moving. If they want Dad there now, its all on them. I hope you didn't sign anything at the AL saying you were responsible for Dads room cost. Most ALs want at least 30days notice and you would be responsible for those 30 days. So, he paid October but leaving now giving no 30 day notice, he will probably owe Nov. He leaves lets say the 23rd. He will owe at least 23 days of Nov if they allow him to prorate.

So sorry you had certain expectations and Dad has ruined them. But you can't expect anything out of anyone. Both need to be clear in what they are looking for in a relationship. Just have to let Dad do what he wants, and that goes both ways. Go on and live your life and realize that Dad will only be a small part of it, if at all.

Just curious, do these cousins think Dad has money? Another reason to get that 4k and pay off that loan.
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Nightowl206:
You wrote:
"I asked for a 2 week pause so I could get moved, and they said no. He has 9 more nights here ".

Trying to take the emotions out of your POA decisions:

1. People move when they have the means and money to do so.
a) Moving requires giving notice (to current AL?) There only 6 weeks?
b) Moving requires a deposit at the new facility.
As POA, did you make these arrangements for your Dad?
Or, maybe the cousins are coming to pick him up, arrange for housing in an AL?

"They", the cousins, said "NO"?

2. Wanting to go home ...
Wanting to go home to one's birthplace...
A common theme that people with dementia repeat. Once returning, they no longer recognize their old place(s), and often don't always recognize their loved ones. Your Dad, at 91, has already been so ill that he did not recognize you at that time.

3. A POA does not pay their own money, they use Dad's money for his needs.
It does not sound like he has the funds to move? Did you give notice so his current AL won't require remaining rent after he moves?

What would happen if you, as POA, and perhaps the driver, mover person, put a financial kabash on what appears to be a lark? Talk to the cousins, have them come and pick up your Dad?

Just guessing here, but with personal experience having a loved one moved from place-to-place by step-family, cousins, his own children, and then on hospice, returning to his son's home for the last few months of his life when the money ran out.

Just some things to think about, imo.
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I wouldn't feel like a failure.

I would feel taken advantage of and pizzed off.

I would present dad with the bills for what you've laid out and tell him hyou hope this works out because you won't be available for any more requests or rescues.

Make sure the cousins know he is not coming back to you. Hear their version of the story; it may differ from his understanding. They may think he's coming for a "visit".

This is the pretty typical story of the child of NPD parents-- nothing is ever good enough and you are always c trying to live up to some impossible standard which can't be reached.

I would move on with whatever YOU want in life.
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Did you personally sign for the medical transport loan, and is your name on the new 2-year lease you just signed in NY?

When last living independently, he was found malnourished. Where is he going to live in NC? It doesn't sound like it is with the cousins.
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My mother is NPD and brother is covert NPD and l am the punch bag. I do the most living with her to help and she will not consider me as POA for medical. I've just made my brother aware of all the responsibilities he needs to do now. Things that l have been doing for her. It makes me think that as you have POA the couzins may not be willing, able or ready to fulfil the obligations. Is it set in concreate or can they just have him stay only a while. Sounds like you have gone to so much effort. I get that a NPD person could do this to you. I often feel like the insect under the bed She casts me away into persona non grata often. I like you am very empathetic and caring and boy is it hard when we come up against others in the mix who do not necessarily have the intentions, duty of care, skills and etc. You would need to have meetings with these family members. Let them know your position and how you have provided for your father and how you see the future going. Surely he can't have convinced them that he will be with them to the end and just ignore all the infrastructure in care for him that you set up.
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CTTN55 Oct 2021
I can relate. Although all of the siblings were given HCPOA, only 2 got POA (and I wasn't one of them). I (the only daughter) was the only one close by; my 3 brothers lived out of state.

I was also treated as the person non-grata. When my mother declined to the point that she couldn't manage things any longer, I had a chat with one of the POA brothers and said I needed compensation. He readily agreed, and from that point on I got $20/hour (and back pay). It made me consider what I had to do as just a job, and helped to take a lot of the emotional component out of it. BTW, I had asked my mother earlier for compensation for all the time I had to spend with her, and she got very upset, saying "You don't pay family!"
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You have POA, and frankly, he doesn't sound competent to make these decisions.

Have you had him evaluated for dementia? Have you talked to the cousins? Why are you not invoking your power of attorney and taking charge here?
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There is a typo in my post it should read he thinks they will go visit him everyday.
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