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I don't know how to put it, but honest to God, there is a tone of voice my father uses when he "asks" (aka "tells") me to do something that is like nails on a chalkboard.
I think it's partly because when he worked he was a manager of a large department in a big company and he was used to "asking" people to do things in a way that made it clear it was an order, and now he's treating me like an employee. But ugh!
For example, we bought him a nice one cup coffee maker for his assisted living room and he broke it. (He breaks a lot of stuff). The way he told me: "That coffee maker your husband got me? It crapped out after like ten cups of coffee! I need a new one."
Or, even before he says hello! "I need you to go to Target and get me some things."
I really feel like I would be less frustrated if he asked more nicely. I mean, I have a teenager at home and she asks for things more politely! It seems petty, but it's very draining to be spoken to like this. But when I tell him how frustrating it is, he gets mad and says "fine, I won't ask you for anything ever again." (I wish!)

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Fine then simply tell him you are not an employee and whilst you love him and are happy to do things for him if he is going to be rude and get mad and not ask you for what he needs, you will accept his decision and not do anything in future. Then walk off and leave him to it, no matter how long you have been there, even if you have just arrived, if he wants to throw a tantrum just walk away and turn up as normal for your next visit at the planned time - no extra in between calls, just whatever you would do normally - he ended the last meeting.
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Often there is one person in the family who tends to get 'the short end of the stick' as the caregiver (often the one who is doing most of the work.) My belief is that the elder is most anger at getting old, and the person who witnessed the losses in recent years. Not an excuse to be rude, however.

Have a serious talk with him...to say how you feel and what you expect. Simple, not blaming, and specific. 
His brain doesn't process as efficiently as it used to. The idea of a white board is great if he can use it...or whatever he used to do to keep track of information when he was 'a big boss'.
Then, when you go to see him...if he starts in being 'the rude boss', stop. look at him and say "whoops, Dad, let me go out and come in again. I'm not your secretary, I'm your daughter."

Close the door, walk a few steps away, and let your breathing come back to normal....then knock again..

This might help him "practice' learning the expected behaviors in a light hearted way.

Of course, if he is still being 'the angry boss', you just say Oh, gee, I have to go. I'll come back....tomorrow/at lunch/whatever works for you.

Part of the benefit of AL is that you can be more of a family member!
of course, that role isn't as easy as it is in the Hallmark movies!
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I have the same issue from my Mom. She often treats me like she is the queen and I am a mere servant out of some 16th century movie. So much so that when she behaves like that she will yell…”DARLING FETCH ME MY ROBE!” Hurry along will you…
Most days I can laugh and just run and get it for her. But there are times when I want to scream get it yourself! One day I tried talking to her and saying Mom I am trying very hard to do everything I can to make you happy. But please don’t speak to me like I am your servant. She said the same thing as your Dad, fine I won’t ask you for anything… I responded that’s great. That really will work well for me. Lol

of course it didn’t last more than five minutes. I went and brought her robe lol
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Not sure how advanced his dementia is but that will change over time. He may be "bossy" because he knows he's losing control and feels he has to compensate. Its also ok to tell him that you need for him to say please and thank you. You'll probably need to tell him that again and again. In many ways, he's like a child and will require instruction at much the same level. If he says, "fine, I won't ask you for anything ever again," he's being manipulative. Ignore it and don't take it to heart. I've had to insist that my uncle ask me nicely right then and there. If he gets manipulative, I'll say, "I'm leaving now and will be back (your next planned visit). " Don't say another world and leave. I don't do the things he demands until he can ask nicely. Its not petty, you need to maintain your sense of balance and calm and cannot do that when his behavior becomes toxic. Taking care of a dementia patient is exhausting and you're in it for the long haul. Its a learning process for you and for your dad. Hang in there!
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Ali, have you read at all about music therapy that has such profound effects on those with dementia? There has been study done especially in the last few years. Maybe even 5-10.
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AliBoBali Nov 2021
Yes! This is something I became aware of before I started back at school, and it's come up a little bit in classes, but more in the general sense of music therapies for different populations. But I know what I experienced firsthand, how playing music for my grandmother affected her, and got her talking about her memories and holding conversations. I watched the documentary Alive Inside years ago and highly recommend for anyone who hasn't seen it.

More to OP's question, I would say there are absolutely things they can do that will alter this behavior. It takes a plan, and consistency, but it does work... even with dementia, though obviously that would need other considerations. Some good suggestions are leaving, or not responding with requests, when dad greets them with an entitled request or acts overly demanding. Don't provide positive reinforcement for behavior you want to change.
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There seem to be two approaches to this. One is that if he has dementia, it’s useless expecting him to change. Except that Lealonnie says “even folks with dementia can understand ..when they're given boundaries and limits”. The other approach is to go for the usual boundaries approach and refuse to ‘obey’ if you are given ‘orders’ without politeness.

Perhaps the best approach is ‘boundaries’. It may or may not work, but there isn’t much to lose in trying. And if you get the ‘OK I won’t ask for anything then’ line, enjoy it for a few hours. It isn’t going to last!
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AliBoBali Nov 2021
I was just reading about behavior analysis applications for Alzheimer's clients (I'm an ABA student in last year of undergrad), and boundaries/reinforcements do work for those with dementia. It's proven to be effective, and is being used to help people stay independent longer among other things. I'm curious to read more about it!
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Develop your OWN 'tone' with your father and remind him that you're doing HIM a favor when he's rudely asking you for something! When he tells you 'fine, I won't ask you for anything ever again.' Say fine, dad, that works PERFECTLY for me. Let the STAFF at the AL know what you need from now on and let me know when you're in a better mood and we'll visit at that time.

Even folks with dementia can understand about treating their loved ones with civility and decency when they're given boundaries and limits.

Try it. I do it with my own demented mother and she gets the message pretty quickly. If not, I leave her presence or hang up the phone (after saying I'll speak to you at another time when you're in a better mood.)

Respect is a two-way street; to get it, he has to give it.
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Frustrating? It's insulting. It's offensive. It is even, when you peer closely at it, verbally abusive, a form of bullying. A certain brusqueness may be acceptable in some contexts in the workplace when speed, clarity and directness are more important than sweet manners; but you are not an employee, you are a family member in the home environment.

How to correct this? I should start by treating yourself as you would like your father to treat you. Literally. When he says "I need you to ..." - reeling off orders, like you're taking dictation for heaven's sake - look him in the eye and rephrase what he has just said as you would prefer to hear it. E.g. "Dear daughter, I find I have run short of [aftershave, socks, whatever]. Would you have time to get some for me, please? I usually buy X brand from Target."

Rather than take offence, which tends to raise the temperature of any exchange, treat it with (very) gentle mockery. Even if he doesn't get the message at least you'll have acknowledged to yourself that you have a right to be spoken to with courtesy.

PS How on earth did he manage to break a one-cup? Has he seated the reservoir properly back on its base?
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About 2 decades before my step dad was diagnosed with dementia he was just a major jerk. But he claimed to be a Christian and lorded his religion over us, he was not a nice person, abuse his kids, terrorized our cat. He moved into our house.

I cooked dinner at least 5 nights a week. Each night he would insist on saying Grace before the meal. Now we are a family who does not say Grace, but are always willing to accommodate those who do at our table. But each night during his Grace, he never thanked the cook. Not once.

I had had enough. I was placing the plates on the table and he was getting ready to say Grace. I told him in no uncertain terms that unless he thanked the cook, he was not welcome to say Grace at the table. And if he did not thank the cook, he was not welcome to eat the food I had prepared. He knew I meant it.

You do not know if your Dad has dementia, but you suspect it. It is Ok for you to set a boundary in place. Boundaries are for you to hold firm.

"Dad if you do not say hello and ask how I am, I will leave." Then leave.

If he has a hissy fit ""fine, I won't ask you for anything ever again."" just walk away.
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DoingMyBest: Imho, as your father suffers from dementia per your profile, perhaps he isn't capable of toning down his verbalizaton, e.g. he may be thinking on that Target request and to him, the most important aspect is telling you in whatever verbal discourse that he can. That has to be very difficult for you. Good luck.
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He is rude, demanding and impolite. I would sit him down one last time and tell him how you feel and how it affects you and what you WISH. If he rants and raves, let him and if he doesn't stop, JUST IGNORE HIM COMPLETELY. Don't do a thing unless he asks nicely. He will learn soon enough and if not, well - just keep ignoring him. Don't be an enabler. And in the meantime, grit your teeth and ignore him completely.
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My Mom is like that, and more. She can act like the Queen of England at times. As soon as she gets up; she starts pounding on the kitchen wall hollering for me to "Get off my a@@ & come down"; since she lives on the 1st floor & I live on the 2nd in our house. That'll go on for hours when I'm at work, I've seen it since I bought 3 RING cameras a year ago. She also does the "Turn up the TV so you can hear it" or "Don't you want a pop, it's in the fridge" routine. She will Not directly ask me to get her a drink or turn up the TV. These are all different quirks that arise as their Dem/ALZ progress. Maybe just say "Well I needed a few also; that's why I got these;. Enough for both of us at the same price." Maybe the thought of saving money might make it seem smarter from his point of view.
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MargaretMcKen Nov 2021
I suspect that the Queen has better manners!
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Ohhh I know that "tone" well. My mother can't keep it out of her voice. If I go get her anything it will be wrong. She wants the smallest package of coffee filters humanly produced because she only needs 2-3 for her card game. If I get 25 (the smallest they make) she bitches and harps on it for 10 minutes about it before I say " Well now you have plenty, and they don't expire". Other times "I know you drink coffee at work can't you just get 2-3 from work and bring them to me". Usually I just cry in the car on my way back from her place.
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lealonnie1 Nov 2021
Your mother can order her own coffee filters online at Walmart.com rather than ordering you around and asking you to steal 3 from your workplace, then having you cry in the car on your way home! When is enough enough??? We shouldn't accept this behavior from ANYONE, and especially not from our own mothers for petesake. Set boundaries; even my demented mother understands boundaries & cuts the BS out when I use MY tone of voice!
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I had the same experience bossy aggressive condescending adversarial. My father was never present in my life growing up. He ignored me. Was an absent father not because he had a career, he just did not raise us or ever get involved in my life, not even a hello. I had to start any conversation with him, and I could not. I felt uncomfortable.

He and my mother lived with me for 1 year. It was not nice.

I did the same, I finally let it all out, and later felt worst for it. I had fights with him and my mother, she was right on board with him (why?). Anyway, he toned down but it was more like this: when he asked me for something: he asked in a way to make it seem like he had to be careful and not ruffle my feathers, or I would get angry, he asked in a way to make it seem like he was sorry for bothering me because I might get angry. My mother would ask me if I was angry. They didn't change their way, they just acted as if I was to blame and my behavior was unwarranted. The whole time they were here they treated me like a joke. They moved out a month ago and I'm still not over that year!

So, what to do, I'm sorry my guess is as good as yours. What kind of a father was he to you when you were growing up? I think the answer is there.

Luckily he does not live with you. You do not want that around you 24/7.
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Oh my gosh...I didn't know that I had another sister out there! We must have the same father!

It's incredibly ironic in the timing that I read your post and I am happy that I came across it. Seriously - I just got finished speaking to my father - I'm trying to help my parents regarding a 3 foot major basement flood that they had; and an entirely new finished basement needs to be reconstructed as a result of the damage. It's a huge undertaking - dealing with contractors, insurance adjusters, insurance company, renovations, etc. It's taken on a life of its own and a lot of time and aggravation - for me.

Anyway, what turned out "helping" my father somehow became "doing everything"...and all he says to anyone he deals with on this - is to "call his daughter and she'll handle it." He now basically gave me orders on next steps and literally berated me for this taking longer than he anticipated - where I found myself trying to explain reasons why - like I worked for him! No appreciation - never a thank you. So finally, I couldn't hold back any longer and just let it all out - everything that I felt, I said to him - telling him how ungrateful he is...how terrible he has treated me...how much I do for him and my mother and it's exhausting and unappreciated, etc. He just looked at me with no expression...couldn't care less...and just told me that I'm bothering him by taking his time with this conversation.

So, still feeling the after-effects from this conversation with my father and my body still feeling tense from it, I came across your post !

I wish I could give any helpful advice, but I can use some myself! The only thing I can say is I can relate!!

What our fathers seem to have in common is that caustic manner - and someone else is always to blame for anything. My father has been this way for his entire life, so this is nothing new for me. The best I can say is I try to find anything else afterwards to bring positive energy my way.
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I think you should tell your Dad exactly what you just told us.
Tell him how you feel.
I'm sure he means nothing by it as you said that's the way he was at work.
I'm sure he would be willing to try to ask more nicely if he new how he was making you feel.
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Davenport Nov 2021
Bev, my experience, and with ALL respect: After a few years of biting my tongue, I finally told my critical sisters, in a neutral way, how they made me feel. They were NOT 'willing to ask more nicely if [they] knew how they were making me feel.' Also, I lived with a Narcicistic and emotionally abusive, for decades and he either wouldn't or couldn't stop speaking to me in 'that tone' as if I were an employee or my dad, and not a life partner.

Personally, I'm never SURE about anything, especially when it comes to giving advice, even if asked. I will, if asked, answer honestly how I personally would handle a theoretical scenario, without advising that the person do the same. I'm thinking that if OP takes your assurance that her dad WILL change 'if he only knew', may lead to false hope that he will change. He may, but he may well not. Sometimes it works, but at least as often, it doesn't. Again, that's been my experience.
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Yes! Oh yes. My Mum was a school teacher and used that tone on me all the time at home too. When she started with Dementia and used that tone I would jump. I had to have a few chats with myself on how to react (I’m an adult now etc,) before being able to just brush it off, or tell her to be polite etc. My choice depending on the situation.
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With dementia, you are living in his world... he's not living in yours. Nothing much you can do when they lose their filter except be patient and overlook their attitude. Good luck
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1. You have told him how you feel and how his "requests" feel like demands and he has not changed his manner of asking for what he needs/wants. With dementia it is highly unlikely that you will get him to change. There is one person in this scenario that can change......
2. I am a pretty firm believer that someone with dementia should be in Memory Care not AL. With the dementia you can explain to him that his requests feel more like demands and he will revert back to the way he has always been.

YOU are going to have to be the one that is going to have to accept that this is the way your dad is and you let it go.
Don't replace items he breaks. You know he will break things. Is mind can not remember how to make things work or to be gentle with things.
If he can make a list of things he needs/wants do shopping for him when you can not when he wants. Take the list with you and pick up items when YOU get a chance.
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Jclvnfam Nov 2021
My FIL is the same way. We just say ok and use Amazon or Instacart to make the deliveries. It’s been the best service since sliced bread! Good luck!
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I had similar problems with my husband after he came home from each deployment. He was in "officer mode" for so long, he didn't realize he used that with us at home.

I used to tell him, "You have been with soldiers all day for this deployment and are used to 'ordering' for everything. I have been at home handling everything and I am not used to 'discussing' family decisions with you. You need to remember we are not your soldiers. I need to remember that we share decision-making. Let's try this conversation again."

It usually took a couple of weeks for us to get back into our usual "family mode."

In your case, your dad is probably anxious about "the issue" and he goes into authority mode trying to control the situation. He might respond to trying to alter the conversation to diffuse his anxiety. You might want to soften the start of the visit with one of these:
"Hello to you too Dad. Let me tell you about the latest ______."
"It's so good to see you. The family and I are doing well. I really like ________ (anything pleasant about him). "
"Share something good that happened since I saw you last. Then, we'll talk about solving problems."

If diversion doesn't work, you might suggest that he keep a list of things he "needs done" to give you at the end of each visit. He might also need a mild anti-anxiety medication if this is becoming his usual way of interacting with everybody.
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Phyllis2020 Nov 2021
Same problem when my husband first came back from either of his deployments. He has been retired 8 years.(National Guard). The good news is he stopped the orders and trying to take charge pretty quickly. Good luck.
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Getting old sucks.
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My dad to the tee too. I totally get your feelings and I'm constantly reminding my self about his dementia. Problem is, he was like this pretty much all of his life just dementia turned it up couple notches.

All I can say do you best to let it go, it's your mental well being you must protect.
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OMG that sounds just like my mother last night I walked into her house arms full of shopping I take the shopping into the kitchen and she shouts what are you doing I said what are you doing at the top of her voice she does not say thank you anymore only time she calls is when she needs something you answer the phone and she says I need you to get me this and that never how are you, when on the phone to her you say goodbye and she just hangs up I struggle with people who have bad manners and sometimes I want to slap her for being so rude it drives me mad it’s as if someone has taken over her body so I know how you feel and like you when I pull her up she just says well don’t do anything for me then just forget it arghhhh think they turn out all the same unfortunately
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It's not petty. We tend to get the same from my mother who seems to have a narcissistic personality and has always relied on others to do things for her. I had a breast cancer check recently and she didn't even ask how it had gone, though to be fair her memory is not good now. When we visit she rarely asks anything about us but launches straight into what she wants us to do, even though she lives in an AL facility. And we seldom get any thanks; just complaints when things go wrong. It is indeed very emotionally draining. I have had counselling to help overcome my ingrained reactions to Mum's behaviour and it helps, but doesn't solve everything.

I am ridiculously sensitive to any perceived sharp or critical tone, and it has caused me lots of unnecessary stress. I hope you cope better!
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Taylorb1 Nov 2021
I feel your pain I’m the same they must all go like that and like yourself I was in getting an operation never once did she say how are you all I got was have you got my shopping yet I struggle with her manners and lack of interest in anything other than what she wants I told her I’ve been diagnosed with Osteoarthritis and she just laughs I said what are you laughing at she just shakes her head so stressful and frustrating isn’t it? X
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My MIL does that to me. No "hello", but as soon as I walk in it's "I need you to do my laundry," etc. The thing with her is that's how she's always been. Demands to my FIL were never request, just barked. Now it's on me, I guess. Downside: I don't want to go and visit her anymore.
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I recently heard this is a common comment about elderly men. Maybe if you smile, look him straight in the face and say, "I will only if you ask nice. Didn't your mother teach you manners ? "
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I think it's doubtful whether your father will change his life long demeanor even if he tried to. All of us unconsciously have a chip on our shoulder about certain family dynamics that can cause us to overreact, that's why family gatherings are infamous for dredging up decades old spats and rivalries. I think rather than lecture or go to war over this I would toss out a phrase like "what's the magic word?" when he asks for something, even if he thanks you grudgingly or makes a fuss it gets the point across.
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DoingMyBest73 Oct 2021
He's very nice to everyone else, oddly — the staff at AL love him, and he's super polite to my husband. I'm the servant.
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My Dad was a Curmudgeon. Very gruff when he talked to you.

You need to tell Dad, "I am not one of your employees. Didn't Grandmom teach u to say please and thank you. I would appreciate a please and thank you. All you do is demand. My husband doesn't even do that. So I would appreciate a little respect for the things I do for you. Because...I don't have to, I do it because I want to."

Every time he reverts back. "Nicer please". My MIL always said, "you get attract more bees with honey than you do vinegar". Dad has to realize that the nicer he is the aides will also be willing to do for him. Even with Dementia my Mom was pretty easy going. The aides loved her. Thats how they knew she had a UTI. She hit one with her toothbrush.😊 And there were a couple other things that weren't my Moms normal.

Do you do too much for him? Does he rely on you when he should be relying on the staff. Too many phone calls during the day to you?
If so, you may want to back off a little. I put a white board on Moms frig. Told the aides to list whatever they felt Mom needed. When Mom had one at her house she listed things she needed when she thought about them so I had a list when we went shopping.

Your profile says Dad has a Dementia. I would not replace that coffee maker. He is probably forgetting how to use it or has no idea how to use it. If he is mobile, the Common area probably has coffee going all day and snacks. He can have it at breakfast, lunch and dinner. Maybe even taking one back to his room.

Really, what does Dad need? All I bought for Mom was her Depends, wipes, papertowels, toilet paper, toiletries and clothes if needed. The AL supplied everything else. I left water for her she never thought to drink. But she was in her last stages of Dementia.

Or, you can just ignore him and say "thats Dad". Or say, "Wow, not even a hello, right off to demanding" With Dementia you really don't know what the remember from day to day, minute to minute. They process slower and retain less. You may just have to face this is his normal. Their world becomes small to the point they don't want to leave what is familiar.
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DoingMyBest73 Oct 2021
The white board! That's a great idea. I keep asking him to write things down but that might help.
The dementia is not yet diagnosed, just suspected, because I have to get him to a doctor who will do that.
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With my mother, it’s due to her dementia.

Her filter is gone, due to her damaged brain.

So, she doesn’t say hello, she barks a request.

She can’t remember to have social niceties any longer. It’s just not possible in her case, no matter how often I ask.

Your profile mentioned dementia, so perhaps it’s the case with your Dad, as well.
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Nothing wrong with telling dad to ask nicely and decline to help when he doesn’t, and if he pouts so be it
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