I see my mother twice a week. It is a very long commute back and forth
My mom should be in a nursing home but refuses to go. There is an aide there the other days, but only for 4 hours. 24/7 care is just too expensive. She puts a lot of pressure on me, emotional and financial. She has severe anxiety and OCD issues, and is a very demanding and difficult person. I feel I am unappreciated, and just a servant. By the time I leave her I feel angry, depressed and hopeless about life. I try not to lose my temper with her, but she makes me angry. Then I feel guilty because she is old with a lot of health issues.
The boundaries I have set are I don't stay overnight, as she's always asking me, and I only come twice a week. Last week was so rough, I only came once.
I won't completely turn my back on my mom, so I'm trying to navigate how to help her and not self destruct.
The hospital and social workers have said my mom can't be forced into a nursing home because she's of sound mind, despite her extreme anxiety and OCD. My mom has put us in a situation where we may have to just let her get evicted to get her into a nursing home.
Boundaries with people like my mom are hard because they know exactly which buttons to push to make this as painful as possible for everyone. They will put themselves literally in harm's way, in the most labyrinthine manner.
Question: Has anyone ever heard of this. My mom has 2 fistulas from radiation/chemo. She has a problem with diarhea and incontinence. She wears 4 pairs of Depends underwear, poise pads, abd another brand all at one time. She changes every several times a day, but always that many at one time. She says they barely work. I've spoken to doctors about this and they just shrug. I don't know if this is all in her mind or a combination of her mind and reality.
Thanks for letting me vent.
You MUST set boundaries in order to protect your psyche and what will make you better able to be compassionate and kind when you are with her.
It's OK if she needs a nursing home and, hey, if she chooses to make it a miserable experience, that is her CHOICE and not your responsibility. Avoid taking on the responsibility to maker her happy. All of us are only as happy as we decide to be. You cannot change her, don't try, don't expect it, but do set boundaries to avoid her pushing your buttons and getting you to react.
You do not owe it to her to tuck her in at night, if she is afraid of falling, buy a $36 WYZE camera with the panning feature. Set one up in each room, someone can login and verify she has not fallen, nearby sibling could go pick her up, but not be obligated to tuck her in. Who tucks her in the other 6 days? You are not obligated. Or, if you want to tuck her in, then go later so you spend less time.
When we finally proved to ourselves that nothing we did would ever be good enough for FIL, we decided that we should just do the right thing, as we knew it in our hearts, but at our convenience, in our timing, so we did not resent doing it and could do it well. She has been manipulating you for your entire life, that is how she functions in life, it's not personal to you; however she taught you to obey her manipulation. You will need to step outside the emotions, be pragmatic and analytical and let go of being receptive to her manipulating.
I have three siblings, one is helpful from afar- she listens to me vent, she comes and helps now and again for a week or two to give me a break. I have a far away sibling who does little and only when I push; my other sibling lives in the same town and does very very little (I have not seen her in months), but thinks she does a lot. Mum and local sibling have always had a lousy relationship, I honestly don't judge her for not wanting to be with Mum, honestly, I don't. I felt very alone at first, but once I let go of expecting from other, I did better ;)
Again:
*If a nursing home is the right place, then that is the decision to make.
*Only she can choose to be happy, it's not your job to make her happy
*Do the right thing (in your heart) but don't be manipulated
*You choose what you want to do, let the siblings choose their actions.
My mom can be a difficult person. She is stubborn and has always had a temper which can be viciously unreasonable at times and cross into hysteria. Her old age has made is worse since she has become homebound. She had cancer 15 years ago and the treatment left her with a fistula and many problems with incontinence. A few years ago she was diagnosed with Parkinson's. This is all on top of OCD and severe anxiety. My parents had insane financial issues, which left them with nothing, many times. My siblings and I are paying her rent, groceries, etc.
However, my parents were good parents. They always made sure we had a good home, a good education, tooks us on vacations, outings, etc. I have a lot to be thankful for. My parents' financial madness got worse and worse when when my brothers and sister and I all got older abd started moving out, getting married etc.
So, I really want to help my mom as best I can and make whatever time she has left as easy as possible. The problem is it is taking a mental, physical, and financial toll.
Some of you have mentioned boundaries, and you are right. I'm not doing that as well as I could. One sibling has always taken the attitude, "Her finances and health issues are her problem. She us selfish for not going to a nursing home," and has never done the slightest thing for her. I think this is an extreme boundary to set. My mom is absolutely terrified of going to a nursing home and she will be miserable there. Yes, she will make it even worse than it has to be, but she will he miserable nonetheless.
So I see all the problems and get upset abd angry, and my mother is making things so much harder just by dint of her personality, but I also see a scared, hurting person when I look into her eyes. Also, there will be times when I'll smell salt air and remember vacations at the beach my parents took us on, or remember when my Dad would take us out to the movies or something after he got home from work, when he probay just wanted to rest, and I'll think of how much they did for us.
Sunday is my day to go up. I seriously need a break. One sibling lives nearby but will only drop off groceries and leave. I usually stay the whole day to keep her company and tuck her into bed, which she always asks me to do. I told my sister I may have to take a break Sunday, and this became a drama. The one who drops the groceries off can't be expected to tuck her into bed(she's terrified of falling) even though he lives 10
minutes away, but all the pressure is on me, even though I live 2 and half hours away and sm unmarried without childrrn. I set bad boundaries, but this brother will just yell at her that she should be in a nursing home, which gets her even more hysterical. It's a mess. However, I may have to just take off because my health is important to.
So, yes ... every darn day. Sigh......
Being old does not give a person The Right to do or say anything she damn well pleases, however, and neither does being in poor health. It is not your fault or my fault that our mother's are old and unwell. Nor is it our desire to hear them bad mouth everyone and complain endlessly or be stubborn to the point of insanity. We are doing the best we can. You are a good son because you show up, you care, you want to have patience, you try and you keep trying every single time. So do I. We haven't thrown in the towel where many, many, dare I say MANY others would have by now.
We're okay. It's alright not to be perfect. We're human and this is hard stuff. Nobody told us we'd be spending our later years doing this, caring for such difficult parents feeling like failures and fighting depression. I don't even think they know what we go thru for ONE single second, either. The feelings of inadequacy and nothing ever being enough. That hopeless feeling is the worst.
But this will pass, we will come out the other side, and we will resume our lives. One day. Not today and maybe not tomorrow, but eventually. So keep on keepin on, my friend, you're doing fine.
You obviously care about your mom. You have not abandoned her. You visit her. She takes a lot out of you.
Caregiving even in the best of circumstances is draining on us. Sometimes it wears us down and then we are not our best selves. That isn’t your fault, it’s the situation at hand. You’re doing the best that you can.
Why do the elderly have OCD issues? Is that a generational thing? I deal with that too.
I wish you the very best. Take care.
Here is a quote from one of your replies " I guess I'm fuming because the financial burden is really taking its toll, and it wouldn't be so bad if all siblings helped equally.". Who is making you be financially responsible for her? If the siblings who don't help set their boundaries against paying for her care, what is stopping you? You are allowed to set boundaries on how you will be treated, how often you will see her, what if any you pay, what you accept to do for her etc. etc. Have you sought any counseling for not only how to deal with her but also how to keep from becoming so angry. It is apparent she pushes your buttons and you allow it. I'm coming from experience here because I too went through my dad being so hateful to me that I dreaded seeing him and at one point when it was apparent I made his life terrible and a holy hell when he moved to the NH, I stayed away for 2 months. He finally apologized for yelling at me. But I will not for the sake of my health tolerate verbal abuse.
I certainly enjoyed reading the recent post on Aging Care about "going Gray Rock". It's something I'd suggest you google and read up on. It can save you when dealing with a narcissist or anyone trying to get a rise out of you. Do not see her twice a week. Save yourself if you feel you are worth it.
Let's just suppose you keeled over dead tomorrow...what would happen then? You would not be here to be her "bailer outer" or whipping post. So you see you do not have to have a presence if you don't want to. And if you do want to, you can decide the kind of presence. One of Dr. Phil's most famous questions to ask yourself is "how's that working for you"? It's a good one to ask in this situation.
Set boundaries, its not easy, walk away when she is abusive or critical when you are doing your best, you will still feel guilty that's how she has programmed you over the years but at least you may be able to spend time with other people who do not drain you.
My mother is the most negative person I have ever met, since I was very young she has had every disease known to man (mainly in her head) most of which she says have been caused by worrying about me! She is constantly wanting attention and cannot bear it if someone pays me a compliment. My Father spent 50 years waiting on her hand and foot so did me no favors, as she expected me to carry on where he left off when he died 14 years ago.
I am currently getting in help for her at home but she doesn't like it because she thinks it should be done by me. "Everyone else's daughters do this or that or the other you never do that" etc etc. My plan is to keep her safe and as well as possible with as little time spent in her negative space.
Try reading "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz.
In time they have adapted to these boundaries but I keep them at arm's length and don't spend much time with them..only socially now and then. Toxic parents cannot be trusted and it is always best to limit time with them. You are not obligated to take care of anyone who mistreat you.
I will never let either of my parents live with me and will not take care of them other than finding agencies to help them out. My therapists have always told me that my parents do not deserve help and can take care of themselves. Don't fall for manipulation (sob stories, etc). Mom tried that tactic on me but I learned fast she would do or say anything to lure me back into their "web" so they can gain power and control over me. So I say "No." a lot. Abusive people are not worth our time or energy. I'm on the verge if going No Contact again. They never get better. Its hard loving people who are hard to love and when the stakes get too high, its best to cut our losses and move on. Until we do, strong boundaries are our most valuable weapon. Just say "No."
life back. You deserve your own life.
I'm basically a really nice person-but something about mother just brings out the 'mean' in me. I am not proud of the person she 'invokes' when I spend time with her. It's not her fault, and at age 90, she's clueless that she has always been this way---63 years of giving in to her wish and whims....I'm done.
I'm taking a 6 month break and will not speak to her unless she calls me (which she never does) and then in 2020 I will re-evaluate my ability to be around her and not be a hateful, horrible person.
Self preservation. Acknowledge your feelings, sit with them, and accept them. Cut back to once a week. Do something nice for yourself with that time. You are an adult and have the right to self determination. Live your life because she certainly has been living hers on her terms, right?
You have a life long history of being manipulated by your mother so it might be best to start with small steps, such as visiting less. Maybe go to once a week, with a phone call or even Skype in between if you can stand it. Then talk to professionals to find resources for your mother's care and begin adding them in and removing more of yourself. Naturally your mother's going to fuss and press your buttons but you're going to have to be strong and stop abandoning yourself. Maybe you can find a competent (underlined) counselor to support you and help stop you from caving in to your mother. Life rolls along and you've got to guard your finances, happiness and health. You already gave, and it's not your fault that she's a mess. She knows you'll cave in and that's why she's got you by the ear.
Go, Andrew--you CAN do it!
I am normally a very kind and helpful person. Last week I walked out of her house one day & screamed at the top of my lungs and jumped up and down like Rumplestiltskin! (all out of her sight line, and she's so hard of hearing she didn't know) SO NOT LIKE ME! But she had been so demanding, hateful, and argumentative.
I had been so evil as to bring a new clock and try to set it up. Her clock that tells her the day of the week has been on the fritz. Because of that, she is taking the wrong day's Rx's - and maybe two days Rx, we aren't sure :(
She starting b*tching as I was unboxing it, and it went downhill fast. Calling me names, threatening me, you all know how it goes :\
She even pulled her favorite "You wouldn't treat your mom this way" card. To which I always reply "Yes, I do. I open doors for her, I help her in and out of the car when needed, I carry heavy boxes to the basement and handle any chores around the house that involve climbing or heavy things." She rolls her eyes. When I'm feeling salty, I add "The difference is . . . .my mom doesn't try to do these dangerous things, she waits until I can come and help her. And then . . . She tells me Thank You, she doesn't call me names!"
And like you Andrew, I leave feeling so disappointed in my behavior and guilty. I resolve to do better the next time . . . . and I DO try, but sometimes, I don't do one iota better, and I really hate that. Thanks for your honest post, somehow it helps to know I'm not the only one :(
Dad lives on AL, near Mom's memory care and insists on being with her (married 62 years) as much as possible "to take care of her." However, nearly everything he does makes her life worse! I try to kindly explain time and time again what will help her, to no avail. His constant presence alone upsets Mom. Though Dad has no memory loss when it comes to everything else, I may as well be talking to a brick wall about what he can actually do that would help her.
He is totally focused on himself, closing her off from others, pestering her, putting all of his needs over hers, telling her what she needs to do (not!), insisting she not walk but use the wheelchair so he can push her and not have to be seen using a walker, monopolizing conversations with her siblings who try to engage her. The list hoes on. He throws fits when the staff tries to make him leave her room and they give up. Can't say I blame them!
I don't like being angry with him. In many ways he has always been a child and just doesn't get it.
When I (and others) visit and sitting right in front of him, he will complain that "nobody ever comes to visit."
Keep praying for patience, I tell myself...keep praying! So very frustrating!
- If you and siblings are paying for you mom's care, stop. This is unsustainable and will only result in even deeper anger, bitterness, division among your siblings, etc. Especially since your parents were utterly financially irresponsible their whole lives. - Have a family meeting and in an informational, unemotional way let them know that as of XX date you will only provide X care and you will not pay for anything related to your mother's care going forward. Offer up the plan to get her on Medicaid and into a facility. Any sibling who has not been contributing to date should have no comment on any of this except to now offer help.
- If no one has PoA for your mom and she refuses to give it, your family should allow her to become a ward of the state and she should be informed of this reality. She will still get the care she needs. It just won't be of her choosing. Alerting social services that she may be vulnerable adult can get that ball rolling.
- Don't feel guilty for a moment. Move on with your life and pursue peace and joy.
Blessings!