I'm looking for a support group. My elderly narcissistic mother is losing her memory and getting more cruel and dysfunctional. I need some assistance coping with the situation and insuring she gets the care she needs.
Look for a caregiver support group in your area. You will find people who are dealing with various issues. You probably won’t find a specific group just for narcissistic behavior.
Or you might look for a support for family members, related to mental illness.
Good luck!
You’re certainly welcome to vent on this forum if you like. Or ask questions. Start a thread with the topic you are interested in.
I never went to a caregiver support group, but I wonder how venting about an elder's narcissism would be accepted by the others. Is that kind of venting welcome? Or does the facilitator steer the group towards other topics? I've always been curious about this, so can anyone tell me?
A mental illness support group almost sounds like it would be more helpful.
And of course this forum right here has plenty of caregivers of narcissists!
CTTN55, I have been apart of a local caregiver support group for over 5 years now, and we allow all of the caregivers to vent and say whatever they want/need to, as it is a safe place to share and say what you might not be able to say to your family and friends. I know that there are different types of support groups for caregivers, some more educational, but really the ones that help the most are the ones that you can share, cry, scream, and laugh with others that know exactly what you're going through and don't judge you for any of your emotions. I know that my support group literally saved my life while I was in the final years of caring for my husband, and I now still go to help other who are in the throes of caregiving as it is hands down the hardest job anyone will ever do.
We have some pretty good threads here-dysfunctional families and others that deal primarily with children of narcissistic parents.
I think you might consider starting your own thread and tell us about your situation. You won't find folks here telling you to suck up abuse.
Here's the thing. YOU decide how much and what you want to do. Not the person you are caring for. That goes even if they are the sweetest, kindest person in the world.
There are definitely some great topics/discussions here. And if you don't have any in-person support groups in your area - there are always virtual support groups online that are incredibly active to varying degrees.
I KNOW Facebook has support groups for sure. But you have to make sure that you search for a Caregivers of Narcissists type of support group because there are TONS of family members of narcissists types of support groups and they are definitely NOT for caregivers. So if you prefer a caregiver board, it is important that you specify.
Additionally, if you are going to look for a support group you and you want to find a particular demographic you also want to look for one that provides things like anonymity and and safety.
As CTTN55 mentioned - just from this forum you'll also find that a lot of us have a great deal of experience and empathy regarding dealing with narcissists (unfortunately). We frequently also discuss the difference between NPD and narcissistic traits, as well as selfish behavior when someone ages vs someone who has been a narcissist their entire life. We talk about what happens to a narcissist when they age and also what happens when they get dementia and/or ALZ.
So there is plenty of room here to talk about it - as long as you are open to the occasional comments that question whether your loved one is actually narcissistic (as the term is frequently overused for selfish behavior in general) and you may have to explain yourself some - but in general if you can get beyond that point - it's usually worth it.
You'll get some good support and understanding here if you're serious.
Also some good advice from others who have been or currently are in a situation like yours. We get some nonsense around here from certain types of people, but don't pay them mind.
This is a good group and there's a lot of useful information and understanding here.
When I was dealing with a narcissist mother, I joined an online forum at outofthefog.net
So many people going through similar things and offering ways to navigate through the chaos. There is a specific area for dealing with elderly parents.
Here's all the support you need: WALK AWAY from your mother and let the state take over her care. There is no reason for you to be abused by this woman just because she is old. Being old doesn't give anyone a free pass to abuse anyone.
Thank you. Well said. Although there is more going on with the daughter that she needs to address for her own healing. Walking away is definitely a first step.
As others have said, this forum is one place to vent. I have vented often (more about me on my profile, having been a caregiver 24/7 for my mom high in narcissist personality traits and now she's a permanent resident in a good skilled nursing facility with Medicaid long term care coverage). I have found working with a talented therapist for the last 2 years as well as sharing/venting on this forum to be VERY helpful.
Also, there are a few YouTube video and podcast venues that offer support as well as more information, insight and skills to help you work through this. Here are some of those to consider, some have specific videos or podcasts on "dealing with narcissist elderly parents" that I have found helpful. Best of luck with this, it is not an easy journey and NOT a journey any of us wanted to take or were prepared for.
Surviving Narcissism With Dr. Les Carter His site: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCIELB1mz8wMKIhB6DCmTBlw One video re: narcissist parents -- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dd6RB61JgVU&t=88s
Helping You Heal From Narcissistic Relationships With Dr. Ramini https://www.youtube.com/doctorramani One Video to check out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0p3xj6SGSeM&t=136s
Why would someone want to attend an Al-Anon meeting?
Attending Al-Anon meetings and discussing your circumstances can help you to identify behavior that may be detrimental to your loved one's recovery, and to work on personal emotional obstacles. Spouses and parents of addicted individuals often develop a behavioral addiction of their own.
A person doesn't need to go due to 'their person' being an alcoholic; it is a group to support a person to MANAGE how they interact / take back their personal power due to unacceptable behaviors from 'their person.'
(2) Is there a link between narcissism and dementia?
Research suggests that narcissists are at a higher risk of developing Alzheimer's disease. The link between narcissism and Alzheimer's disease isn't completely clear, but it may be caused by the long-term effects of narcissistic personality disorder on the brain.
(3) Contact a memory care / dementia Association for group support. Narcissism is a personality disorder. Check to see if there is an Association dealing with narcissism.
(4) Therapy for you to learn to separate and have distance from your abusive mother (whether she can help it or not). You need to learn how to empower yourself. She will not change. You have to for your own well being.
(5) Understand that you cannot change how her behavior affects her, i.e., you leaving early (after 5 minutes ... or when she starts in or leaving for a few days). Her 'suffering' is not your doing nor your responsibility. You are dealing with very old-ingrained behaviors / patterns of behavior and relationship patterns from likely early childhood. These feelings do not go away overnight although with awareness and learning to LISTEN to 'cues,' (i.e., how to speak to her and when to leave), you will gain both some relief and personal empowerment, realizing you can take control of how you behave / your decisions.
This is a boundary issue. Although a very tough one, it’s not impossible. And there may be the necessity to walk away eventually. I would recommend an in-person group like Celebrate Recovery. It’s a Christ-based recovery and support group for whatever ails you. Any hurt, or any habit or any hang up and it’s nationwide. And some international. Also, there’s Sherri Campbell, PhD on Facebook; she posts some great things re: narcissism, toxic relationships and boundaries. Henry Cloud, too.
Get with a Geriatric Psychiatrist and ask about strategies to outsmart and outwit her. Medication might be helpful for you to cope and for her to comply when you place her in care.
My heart goes out to you as I can actually feel the mental anguish that you are experiencing with your narcissistic mother. Yes, indeed, as the narcissist gets older, her narcissism gets out of control. I find that the ONLY remedy for the mental anguish of dealing with a narcissist is to run as far away from the narcissist as you can get and never look back. The good news for you is that now that your mother is losing her memory, you should place her in MC and move on and enjoy YOUR life. If you care to visit her while she is in MC, you should make your visits as short as possible. Otherwise, if your visits with your mother in MC are too traumatic, then you should stop visiting her and only communicate with the facility by phone.
You should seek professional counseling for the torment that your mother has and is putting you through, and the counselor will help you through your struggles with your mother. Speaking to a counselor will allow you to relieve the stress that you are going through as venting is a good way to relieve stress. This forum is also a place where you can find people willing to give you advice about your struggles with your narcissistic mother.
Or you might look for a support for family members, related to mental illness.
Good luck!
You’re certainly welcome to vent on this forum if you like. Or ask questions. Start a thread with the topic you are interested in.
A mental illness support group almost sounds like it would be more helpful.
And of course this forum right here has plenty of caregivers of narcissists!
I know that there are different types of support groups for caregivers, some more educational, but really the ones that help the most are the ones that you can share, cry, scream, and laugh with others that know exactly what you're going through and don't judge you for any of your emotions.
I know that my support group literally saved my life while I was in the final years of caring for my husband, and I now still go to help other who are in the throes of caregiving as it is hands down the hardest job anyone will ever do.
We have some pretty good threads here-dysfunctional families and others that deal primarily with children of narcissistic parents.
I think you might consider starting your own thread and tell us about your situation. You won't find folks here telling you to suck up abuse.
Here's the thing. YOU decide how much and what you want to do. Not the person you are caring for. That goes even if they are the sweetest, kindest person in the world.
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/if-you-are-going-to-become-a-caregiver-480769.htm?orderby=oldest
I KNOW Facebook has support groups for sure. But you have to make sure that you search for a Caregivers of Narcissists type of support group because there are TONS of family members of narcissists types of support groups and they are definitely NOT for caregivers. So if you prefer a caregiver board, it is important that you specify.
Additionally, if you are going to look for a support group you and you want to find a particular demographic you also want to look for one that provides things like anonymity and and safety.
As CTTN55 mentioned - just from this forum you'll also find that a lot of us have a great deal of experience and empathy regarding dealing with narcissists (unfortunately). We frequently also discuss the difference between NPD and narcissistic traits, as well as selfish behavior when someone ages vs someone who has been a narcissist their entire life. We talk about what happens to a narcissist when they age and also what happens when they get dementia and/or ALZ.
So there is plenty of room here to talk about it - as long as you are open to the occasional comments that question whether your loved one is actually narcissistic (as the term is frequently overused for selfish behavior in general) and you may have to explain yourself some - but in general if you can get beyond that point - it's usually worth it.
Also some good advice from others who have been or currently are in a situation like yours.
We get some nonsense around here from certain types of people, but don't pay them mind.
This is a good group and there's a lot of useful information and understanding here.
So many people going through similar things and offering ways to navigate through the chaos. There is a specific area for dealing with elderly parents.
As others have said, this forum is one place to vent. I have vented often (more about me on my profile, having been a caregiver 24/7 for my mom high in narcissist personality traits and now she's a permanent resident in a good skilled nursing facility with Medicaid long term care coverage). I have found working with a talented therapist for the last 2 years as well as sharing/venting on this forum to be VERY helpful.
Also, there are a few YouTube video and podcast venues that offer support as well as more information, insight and skills to help you work through this. Here are some of those to consider, some have specific videos or podcasts on "dealing with narcissist elderly parents" that I have found helpful. Best of luck with this, it is not an easy journey and NOT a journey any of us wanted to take or were prepared for.
Surviving Narcissism With Dr. Les Carter
His site: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCIELB1mz8wMKIhB6DCmTBlw
One video re: narcissist parents -- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dd6RB61JgVU&t=88s
Helping You Heal From Narcissistic Relationships With Dr. Ramini
https://www.youtube.com/doctorramani
One Video to check out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0p3xj6SGSeM&t=136s
Why would someone want to attend an Al-Anon meeting?
Attending Al-Anon meetings and discussing your circumstances can help you to identify behavior that may be detrimental to your loved one's recovery, and to work on personal emotional obstacles. Spouses and parents of addicted individuals often develop a behavioral addiction of their own.
A person doesn't need to go due to 'their person' being an alcoholic; it is a group to support a person to MANAGE how they interact / take back their personal power due to unacceptable behaviors from 'their person.'
(2) Is there a link between narcissism and dementia?
Research suggests that narcissists are at a higher risk of developing Alzheimer's disease. The link between narcissism and Alzheimer's disease isn't completely clear, but it may be caused by the long-term effects of narcissistic personality disorder on the brain.
(3) Contact a memory care / dementia Association for group support.
Narcissism is a personality disorder. Check to see if there is an Association dealing with narcissism.
(4) Therapy for you to learn to separate and have distance from your abusive mother (whether she can help it or not). You need to learn how to empower yourself. She will not change. You have to for your own well being.
(5) Understand that you cannot change how her behavior affects her, i.e., you leaving early (after 5 minutes ... or when she starts in or leaving for a few days). Her 'suffering' is not your doing nor your responsibility. You are dealing with very old-ingrained behaviors / patterns of behavior and relationship patterns from likely early childhood. These feelings do not go away overnight although with awareness and learning to LISTEN to 'cues,' (i.e., how to speak to her and when to leave), you will gain both some relief and personal empowerment, realizing you can take control of how you behave / your decisions.
Gena / Touch Matters
You should seek professional counseling for the torment that your mother has and is putting you through, and the counselor will help you through your struggles with your mother. Speaking to a counselor will allow you to relieve the stress that you are going through as venting is a good way to relieve stress. This forum is also a place where you can find people willing to give you advice about your struggles with your narcissistic mother.
Wishing you peace that you deserve in your life.