We had an agreement of 500.00. She is making a $370.00/month car payment, even though she cannot drive anymore. This is the only car she can get in and out of comfortably. My husband and I have a big SUV. We would have to pick her up to get her in and be out. Because she had soo many things when she moved in, she got a storage. Well, she moved in with some things, so I put my things in her storage. She deducts $100.00 a month off of what she was giving me because of my things being in her storage. The balance between 500.00 minus the 100.00 and the 370.00 is $30. Then she says, “Really! You don’t expect me to pay that!" Fast forward to now, my husband and I are both doing everything we can for her. She basically is incapable of opening jars, doors, drawers, faucets, packages, twist ties, walking far, etc. In addition, my husband retired in April and we are now on a fixed income. Cost of living has gone up tremendously. I think she, on purpose, is being oblivious to the situation that now when I shop or gas up the car it is costing more than ever. She has also insisted on only drinking bottled water. She says our water softener system is bad. The salt makes her feet swell. Dr. said no, that’s not the case. But, she insists. We are slaves in this house. Finding it harder and harder to deal, Not enough money for her to go somewhere and I cannot contribute money for a place for her. My brother is in the same boat and he and his wife still work so they are of no help. Should I just ask her for more money to help us run things a little easier around here? I am looking into a group that might offer some respite care. My husband and I never saw our retirement years looking like this. We are stressing out.
Caregivers are often paid $ 30 per hour.
Mother is NOT going to use the stuff in storage again. It needs to go NOW. If she wants to use her own stuff inside, and you need to store yours because you do want to use it again, she pays for the storage. If you prefer her furniture, she gives it to you now, so that you can sell yours. The chances of her taking much to a care facility are very low.
The bottled water, with bottles refilled with tap water, starts immediately.
Shopping trips now happen in HER car, and she pays to refuel it. If she stops wanting to use her car, because she doesn’t want to pay, it’s sold now.
You find a place that sells all those gadgets to open jars, put string pulls on drawer handles etc, and she pays. Or she just waits until it’s convenient for you to open things. You don’t jump to order.
You rethink anything she can do to help YOU at home.
Try all the other suggestions, too!
Re-negotiate the "contract". This is not about "pitching in". This is "paying her way" and "not free-loading".
"Mom, we need to re-think us all living together. Its not working out for us. You seem pretty unhappy too. So let's make a better plan."
You need to apply for Medicaid for her. This is based on HER income and assets, not yours.
Investigate whether Medicaid funds Assisted Living in your state. Look into Board and Care homes and low income senior housing. Get her on every waiting list you can.
AND if she pulls the "I took care of you.." line, the answer is she chose to have children. You are legally obligated to care for your chikdren. Not so your parents.
Please remember that your needs and wants are just as important as hers. Just because she "wants" bottled water does not equate to your having to purchase it. "Nope mom, we cannot afford that. If you want it, that is something you need to buy yourself",
Let her buy bottled water if that is what she wants.
Apply for Medicaid and get her out of your house.
Get rid of the storage unit, either get rid of some of the stuff or move it back in the house,
Time to take back your life, there are other options.
Now the car, $370 is a lot for someone on SS. How much does she owe and how much is it worth? Maybe you can trade it in for something smaller and easier on gas. Depending on what she profits, she has little or no payment.
What you charge her needs to depend on what she is bringing in monthly not splitting the expenses 3 ways. She should be paying for her personal stuff. Her car payment, gas and upkeep. She wants bottled water, she pays for it. The stuff you put in her storage unit was that because she moved her stuff in? If so, then she should be paying for the monthly fee. Any co-pays, prescriptions she should be paying for. Toiletries she wants, special food she wants all paid by her. I never saw where having Mom effected my utilities. Cooking for one more was not bad. I did use her money for things she needed though. Nothing came out of my pocket concerning her bills and personal needs.
Being 'slaves' in your own home is not a good thing, especially now that you've retired. It's not your job to be your mother's full time caregiver b/c she did nothing to prepare for her old age. Why not sit down with a Certified Elder Care attorney to get some advice & guidance on what options you have with mother's care moving forward? That's what I did back in 2014 when I had to move my parents nearby after dad had to stop driving. It was a great idea and I got some very valuable info from the EC attorney.
Wishing you the best of luck deciding how much more hands on caregiving you're willing to do, and how much more of mom's cheapskate behavior you're willing to tolerate.