My mom has severe osteoarthritis and has trouble doing the housekeeping, cleaning, vacuuming, laundry, shopping & other daily tasks for a few years now. She is now unable to drive. I am finding that I am always angry & resentful because I am the one taking care of all those tasks for her. I go to her house a couple times a week and take care of things for her after work and I take her to all her doctor appointments. I am extremely upset with other family members for not helping or even going to visit with her (even when I have asked). Mom is a great lady. She is funny, kind, generous and does the best she can physically. I do not want to feel this way & it is damaging our relationship.
That's a great starting point. You can ignore it & push it down. Or you can listen in to it. It's a message.
Resentment can mean we are giving too much.
It can grow into anger. Use this energy towards change.
There are a few ways to start. A lot will depend on yours & your Mother's style.
You can start the chat - to find out how really she is. Then what she is struggling with. Gently pointing out your help with different areas.
Next will depend on whether Mother has insight to her difficulties & how much you are doing for her - or not.
She may not want to be a 'burden' but not know what else to do! Discussing home care agencies or services can help. Some people start with 1 x week light housecleaning or shopping assist. Or a meal delivery service. It's a good way to stay at home longer.
But some consider themselves still 100% independent - despite growing dependence on a family member. May even have expectations family must do it (would never pay..)
Some caregivers restrict their time to one day a week. Run all the errands & appointments together all morning then clean & do chores all afternoon. Leave exhausted but job done. However, this may leave little time for just social visiting.
Other caregivers start the process towards downsizing, move to a smaller IL apartment. Then return themselves to primarily being a family visitor.
A friend has just done that now. Was concerned hearing Mother worrying about the roof, the plumbing, the heating, the garden. She was gettong all stressed & confused booking tradesmen. Friend said "It's time. Come check out these places with me". She was nervous but admitted she was quiet lonely too. A nice IL unit with a Friday night happy hour & a few social clubs might be just the thing.
What sort of style do you think would your Mother go for? Agree to more home help, or move? Is she reasonable, or will you have a fight on your hands?
Sorry for the wordy reply. I hope some of the replies & ideas can help towards positive changes.
That said, I found a nice Independent Living senior apartment bldg for my folks which they lived in for 3 years. The IL had a mini bus that took them grocery shopping and to doctor appointments. I wound up taking them to some doctor appointments b/c dad had cancer and I wanted to be there. Walgreens was across the street for meds. After dad fell and broke his hip, I moved them into Assisted Living and took over their finances. After dad died in 2015, I kept mom in AL but downsized her into a smaller apartment, then off to Memory Care in 2019.
She had doctors in the AL but I was always involved in her care, rehab, hospitalizations, specialists, etc. Even though managed care did the hands on caregiving, I did all the rest and there is still A LOT to do.
Decide how you want to proceed from here on out. Should mom move into a senior IL like my folks did? With services/food and a mini bus? Giving you the option to let go of certain services YOU are providing for her now. Think about it. Or get her to hire in home carers, a housekeeper, or use a service/agency who will send out a caregiver 4 hours a day who will run errands, help with housekeeping, cooking, companionship, doctor appointments, etc. Mom can use her money to pay for such a service, of course. That will free you up and lessen your resentment and also your expectation that 'family' help you out. Family is useless, I have found, when it comes to 'helping' us out in any way, shape or form. Let go of that notion now and your future will be that much brighter as a result. As a rule, the only person you can count on is YOURSELF.
Wishing you the best of luck finding a compromise that works for both you and your mom. What you don't want to do is become SO resentful that you do wind up damaging your relationship as a result. It's not worth it.
I miss mother-daughter time. It has morphed into mother-servant time, with too many shades of mother-caregiver time.
In the last few years, I have become more negative and pessimistic. I have my doubts my mother misses daughter time since she gets all her needs met and doesn’t have to pay someone.
I helped mom care for dad in his last year of life. I was very close to him and considered it a blessing.
Mother has aged, of course, but she wants NOTHING to do with me. She lives with YB in an apartment. It's really grimy and could use a thoroughly cleaning, but the one thing I CAN do to help her, she won't allow. (Because I actually throw out newspapers and water plants and dust).
A few years ago it really hit me that she was living in disarray and total disorder and that she constantly complained about having no room. Well, you cannot be a hoarder in an 800 sf apartment and have space at the same time. I came up with a workable solution that kept 80% of her things out in view, while 'storing' about 20%. I actually called a family mtg to see if my sibs were on board.
OMGosh. I may as well have lit a bomb in the kitchen. The ANGER that 2 of my sibs let lose with was shocking. Mostly from YB, who felt I was attacking him--while what I was doing was trying to lift some of his self-imposed burden.
Everybody went home a little mad, I cried for 2 days about it and then taught myself to quit caring.
I haven't been back with an eye to cleaning since then. I let the dust pile up and the books topple over and the bird's feathers to land all over and I don't say a word and unless there are actual MOTHS in the butter, I don't do a thing. It's not wanted, asked for nor appreciated.
When mom complains that she doesn't have space, or whatever, that's my signal to walk out. She has heard the solution, she won't accept it. I can't bleed for her, so I have to protect myself and let it go. Anyone who criticizes me for being less than wonderful as a daughter can jolly well go try to 'do' for her. I cannot care that much.
My anger at them for not calling or sending cards the other 51 weeks finally came to a halt. A very dear friend made me realize I couldn’t change them or their ways. I had to change my thinking and understand that I was doing for mom what I needed to do. Once I could “accept” my siblings for who they are, my anger diminished.
It’s not and was not easy. But I’m much happier and so is mom.
even though you’re less angry, i want you to know that i’m going to kick your siblings’ butts.
and to you (and to your mother), i give huge hugs.
i wish you, missywho, to live a full life, with freedom and the chance to go for your dreams & goals. i’m sure your mother wants that for you too.