As her caregiver, how do I work through my resentment & anger with my mother?

Mom hires and pays for someone to come in and clean a few times a month. You or she can do light housecleaning the rest of the time.
Laundry can be sent out or the person that comes in to clean can do a few loads as well.
You can not expect others to help out, it would be nice but if you lower your expectations you will not be as disappointed.
So if you reduce what you are doing for mom to mostly driving her to appointments that is less on you.
Once your siblings discover that mom is spending money that may "eat into their in heritance" they might decide that helping out is not such a bad thing.

Call your siblings ASAP. Tell them you are exhausted and need help. Tell them they need to cover at least 3 months of care, so that you can recoup. Tell them that they have a week to organize their schedules and then leave it to them to step up.

This has been an incredible read. Thank you so much for asking this. I don’t know that I have anything constructive to add.

I miss mother-daughter time. It has morphed into mother-servant time, with too many shades of mother-caregiver time.

In the last few years, I have become more negative and pessimistic. I have my doubts my mother misses daughter time since she gets all her needs met and doesn’t have to pay someone.

First and foremost, you need to take care of YOU. Everyone who has replied has some valuable suggestions and ways to get additional help/resources for your mom, and relieve you of the day to day you do for her out of love. I have watched and been to numerous senior care seminars and the message about taking care of you is always mentioned. You should never have any guilt for what you have or haven’t done, since you did the best you could. My mom is now in AL, there is no way she could have remained in her home alone, as she was a fall risk (severe arthritis as well). Yes it’s changed her independence routine, but she still has that in a different way where she is now. And more peace of mind for my sister and I as there is someone there if she needs the help. And yes, make sure there is a Will, Trust, and POAs in place, those will be your saving grace someday when she passes. You have a huge heart and I’m sure your mother appreciates you!

You probably feel resentment and anger since you are getting burnt out. Start lining up - dates and times - volunteers from family, friends, members of your faith group,,, and paid helpers to take some of the load off of you.

Remember your mom will be dead one day and you will never see her again. I lost my mom about 2-1/2 years ago and though the trauma of losing her has diminished I miss her every single day. You are very fortunate your mom is able to think. My mom could not due to the slow ravages of Alzheimer's. The last five years of her life I had to be with her 24/7. She became 100% dependent on my care. I was her total life support. Even before that five years I had to be with her most of the time. I dealt with mom's Alzheimer's for 15 years. Mom lived to be 90 years, 3 months and that INCLUDES insulin-dependent diabetes. It was not her Alzheimer's that killed her but other comorbidities that even if she were a walkie-talkie she would have died anyway from kidney and liver disease (chronic kidney disease for 10 years). TWO YEARS on hospice. They provided me supplies which was very helpful. But I still did all her care. I used hospice like a walk in clinic for labs, routine medications (insulin and lopresser), and they even wrote scripts for test strips and accucheck machine. She got so bad I could not take her to the doctor anymore, but she was still medically managed well but I had to run the show. I fired two hospices until I found one I liked. Yes she was DNR but that does not mean I can't treat her for other medical needs like UTI.

I had to bathe my mom for years. I did not mind because mom was the center of my universe and she was the only person I ever loved.

Caregiving is very hard and it is frustrating, and it gets worse as she gets more infirm. You need to get educated what to expect and how to meet their needs. This includes bowel and bladder care. When mom's Alzheimer's was so bad I had to make certain she had a bowel movement every Tues, Thus and Sundays. I had her bowels down to a science. And you MUST make certain private areas are CLEAN or your loved one will get a urinary tract infection. If you cannot deal with this, then it is time to look into a nursing home and estate planning.

I was very fortunate I knew how to manage my mom's physiological needs. It is VERY HARD WORK.

Family members are going to expect one person to do the care. But you DO need to see an estate planning attorney--trust me it will save you a LOT of heart ache because your own family will become your worst enemy if you do not do estate planning. You want to have the house, properties, monies, etc., OUT OF PROBATE, and preplan a funeral or cremation because funeral homes WILL take advantage of your grief.

Mom died very peacefully and her skin was in perfect condition.

Please--PLEASE--get estate planning done while she is able. Establish power of attorney and a trustee. Get a Will done. Keep EVERYTHING out of probate.

Pretty much, what you see now is what you're going to get. You won't ever understand them in regard to this matter. Never. It's hard to avoid the anger. It's very hard to not hold resentment when you handle all the needs and their lives just roll along as usual.

From another point of view, it is very easy as a caregiver to believe these other people KNOW that you could use some help. That isn't the case, though, with people. Some have to be directly asked for a specific thing before they do it. They are not going to obligate themselves. So, if you haven't done so, try the direct approach with certain tasks. Get them all on a conference call or send a group email--- I need a little help. Could we work together to share some of the tasks at mom's house? I usually go on Tuesday to (wash clothes) and Thursday to (vacuum/dust). Maybe we would take turns on doctor appointments. She is really slowing down and can't manage all this on her own - and seeing you all more often would be wonderful for her.

It's very possible, be prepared, for the siblings to finally lay it on the line for you. If mom can't manage on her own, it's time to go to a nursing home. As I said, be prepared to be able to say thanks and hang up. Do not engage any further than that. There are people who will not take care of an elder person and no amount of arguing will change that. You'll be the only angry one. My guess is, you probably already know which sibling(s) will step up and which ones won't. The signs were always there if you think back, but you just didn't think about it before now.

If you get no help, then it's time to sit down and figure out the finances. Can mom afford to get a housekeeper once a week to do the big stuff. Maybe mom can continue with the little things like just keeping dishes washed up and counters wiped off. Get groceries delivered to her door - get her a wagon on the front porch for delivery people to put groc in and it's easy to roll into the house.
If you can free up some of your time for little things, you can have more actual visit time with her.

If mom has no finances for any hired help - when you have the family phone call, ask if they would consider pooling a little money to pay for some things you do. Those that won't physically help may go for that. Telling them that you will have to hire some help (if mom has money) may also generate a little flicker of light in regard to that golden cash pot called inheritance. Lots of kids out there don't want mom to use her money for medical or elderly needs so that might encourage a little assistance from them.

Try to avoid letting this ruin your relationships with them. If you continue to help mom, think of all the precious time you will have with her. They are the losers. And in the end, at least one of them will say out loud: I wish I had spent more time with her and you can say she really would have liked that.

I am unclear if you actually asked your siblings for help and told them you are burned out. Perhaps they are more willing than you realize and you could set up some sort of schedule for them to help. If I am wrong, then you will need to hire some help just to give you relief. You obviously love her and don’t want to feel resentful. Holding on the resentment is like holding on to a hot coal, only burning you. You are merely human and need some relief.

“ I am extremely upset with other family members for not helping or even going to visit with her (even when I have asked)”

Please try to let this go. Not for them but for you. It will consume your emotional energy.

I don’t know how far you travel, how long it takes, or how hard the chores, if you are at peace with your CONTRIBUTION you will be fine regardless of what your siblings do. The smallest chore is too much when it is done with resentment and anger.

You are looking at your siblings with anger and contempt…yes. But also jealousy.
They made a different decision than you. Perhaps it was because they had a different relationship with your mother than you did?
Perhaps they don’t want to spend time with you?
Perhaps they have personal issues in their lives they aren’t comfortable sharing…or abandoning.
Shockingly perhaps …but it is not your place to judge.
Stop trying to control others actions and focus on your own..
YOU decided to be moms everything. Along with your moments of anger you have had moments of joy and peace and contentment. Along with their feelings of relief from the burden they have had moments of guilt and sadness and regret. Let it go.
You can choose again when it is time. some people live long lives. Lives past their ability to care for themselves. It isn’t anyone’s fault. You have chosen to help her through the last years. Others have not. It is your choice. Again, you can choose again. When you are tired, it is the correct and safest action to find mom caregivers/housekeepers/facility care that relives you from the burden.
Going to visit her will be a wonderful thing. To simply be her daughter. Much more important than being her housekeeper….please let that sink in. A housekeeper is also a wonderful thing. However, a daughter is a true blessing. For awhile you can be both but sometimes we can only be one. It isn’t a failure to choose being a daughter. It is not a failure…it is a decision.

JMAdeloye: Prayers sent.

It's hard not to be resentful. It's a lot of work to support our elders.

Give up on being upset with your family. They don't want to help and that's their right. Leave it alone.

I think you have burn out. Find help for your mom ASAP, whether she likes it or not. Spend time with her a daughter instead of a caregiver.

Let this be said.......Your siblings are selfish fools.......now that it's been said.....throw it away....they will never change because it's who they are. You are doing the work of angels and saints. I know sometimes you don't feel like a saint, but you are. I, too, am a caregiver (full time 24/7) to an 89 year old amputee with mild cognitive impairment, legally blind with a hearing deficit (extreme). There are times I feel it's more than I can cope with. You are doing an amazing thing and your reward is in knowing you are right. It's not Mom's fault or yours....it just IS.
Take heed in knowing there are others like you. Many Blessings.

Hire a caregiver to come in and do the help. When you visit, then you’re truly able to visit and enjoy her company. Don’t rely on family. These days, people are very selfish. But each of us will get older and be in the same situation as your mom. Let’s see where your family will get their help when the tables are turned.

I too was my moms caregiver. The anger you feel is the same as I felt. Sister and brother lived a good distance away, but gave me 1 week a year each to take care of mom. It wasn’t enough to be honest.
My anger at them for not calling or sending cards the other 51 weeks finally came to a halt. A very dear friend made me realize I couldn’t change them or their ways. I had to change my thinking and understand that I was doing for mom what I needed to do. Once I could “accept” my siblings for who they are, my anger diminished.
It’s not and was not easy. But I’m much happier and so is mom.

Take a cue from the rest of your family. They seem to be taking care of themselves and doing only what they CHOOSE to do for your Mom. Perhaps it is time that you followed their example. If you are getting angry and resentful even though your mother is a "great lady" I am guessing that you are simply exhausted. Take an hour or so for yourself and think about what your ideal participation in your mother's care would look like.

Then call a meeting of the other family members that you think should be involved. Tell them what you are willing to do and also tell them that you are unable to continue what you are doing. Be very clear that you simply cannot continue. Ask them what they are willing to do to provide the extra care that you can no longer provide. Be sure that all of you are aware that the list of things that your mother will need will continue to grow. Include in your conversation the cost of hiring a housekeeper (check with local businesses for costs first).

In our family, there were 4 sisters helping my mother. Two of them did most of the work. However, my oldest sister, who lives 2 1/2 hours away agreed to call Mom every day. I agreed to do the errands, including picking up prescriptions and groceries. I also arranged for monthly housekeeping service, which 2 of my other sisters contributed. It still left the other two sisters with much more to do than I did or my oldest sister did, but the two of them did have less to do. We also made inquiries into which assisted living and nursing care facilities would be appropriate when/if it became necessary. Bear in mind that your mother should pay for some services, like the housekeeping services, if she can. If there is no money look into what your county or local senior services center will provide.

Stepping back could save your relationship with your mother. It may also save your relationships with other family members.

It's hard not to be resentful. It's a lot of work to support our elders.

Give up on being upset with your family. They don't want to help and that's their right. Leave it alone.

I think you have burn out. Find help for your mom ASAP, whether she likes it or not. Spend time with her a daughter instead of a caregiver.

By taking breaks, if only hours, but hopefully occasional days of relief. That’s how. Figure it out no matter what. It’s imperative.

I have been taking care of my 95 y.o. mother for 21 years. Not one of my siblings has ever offered help. I resent them when they send packaged flowers that I have to cut and arrange, boxes I have to break down, gifts I have to put together, and phone calls that are always for her only. I don't resent my mother at all. I resent my brother and sister for visiting from out of town and not realizing I am the one who washed the sheets and bought groceries for them to enjoy.

My mother has put me on her POA for medical and financial decisions. She has also transferred all her assets to my name, along with all the responsibilities for those assets. I have a fantasy that when she passes, I will not have a funeral or service, I'll just send them an announcement. I feel guilty about being so angry and resentful, but they are only exhibiting pretty much how they treated me when I was just a child.

My Mom is loving, funny, generous and has been good to all of her children. I cannot resent her and I treasure each day she is still with us. Someday, if I outlive my mother, I will be able to communicate to my siblings what my mother never had the courage to say to her other children. That fantasy keeps me going. It's my little evil treat. Be sure to take care of yourself, after all, you need health and energy to care for your parent. Hang in there and recognize that you are a loving child to a wonderful parent. You done good.

So many of us have innate CG qualities and we really feel the need to step in and help--and our motives are 'pure'...but they are not welcomed!

I helped mom care for dad in his last year of life. I was very close to him and considered it a blessing.

Mother has aged, of course, but she wants NOTHING to do with me. She lives with YB in an apartment. It's really grimy and could use a thoroughly cleaning, but the one thing I CAN do to help her, she won't allow. (Because I actually throw out newspapers and water plants and dust).

A few years ago it really hit me that she was living in disarray and total disorder and that she constantly complained about having no room. Well, you cannot be a hoarder in an 800 sf apartment and have space at the same time. I came up with a workable solution that kept 80% of her things out in view, while 'storing' about 20%. I actually called a family mtg to see if my sibs were on board.

OMGosh. I may as well have lit a bomb in the kitchen. The ANGER that 2 of my sibs let lose with was shocking. Mostly from YB, who felt I was attacking him--while what I was doing was trying to lift some of his self-imposed burden.

Everybody went home a little mad, I cried for 2 days about it and then taught myself to quit caring.

I haven't been back with an eye to cleaning since then. I let the dust pile up and the books topple over and the bird's feathers to land all over and I don't say a word and unless there are actual MOTHS in the butter, I don't do a thing. It's not wanted, asked for nor appreciated.

When mom complains that she doesn't have space, or whatever, that's my signal to walk out. She has heard the solution, she won't accept it. I can't bleed for her, so I have to protect myself and let it go. Anyone who criticizes me for being less than wonderful as a daughter can jolly well go try to 'do' for her. I cannot care that much.

My heart aches for you because I am going through the same situation and it is affecting my health. You must find ways to get some self-care in and perhaps it's time for a real sit-down meeting with other family members where you tell the truth about the toll this is taking on you, and ask them to come up with ways they will help. No anger, just direct talk and you must be honest about what this is doing to you and how they need to step up. If your mom has a will, perhaps it is time to have it redone to have access to money for a part time caregiver to come to the home. I think it is awful how we can have family members, in my case two siblings who both live so close it's ridiculous, who won't come visit their mom or help out. I, and you, should not have to beg. Please be sure to do what is best for you because you losing your health is not the answer. Sending you good vibes for a positive resolution.

Can you arrange for a paid caregiver to help with some of these things so it’s not your responsibility all the time ? Make the other family members chip in to pay for it.

JM are you angry and resentful of your mom and the assistance she needs or the "family" that doesn't step up in anyway?

I recommend finding services to minimize your load, meals on wheels, home delivery for stuff, a weekly or by-weekly housekeeper, companion sitter, handyman and them having the talk about going to a facility where her needs will be met and she can make some new friends.

Nobody wants to leave their home, safe nest but, sometimes it is the only solution that works for everyone involved.

Best of luck finding the solution to your anger and resentment.

I'm feeling for you. I was very close to my Dad and have no regrets about caring for him, but I was so resentful and angry in the beginning of his decline. It was exhausting, emotionally and physically. I was flooded with anticipatory grief for what was happening to him and my ultimate loss of him. There's a wonderful book by Pauline Boss. She named ambiguous loss. She has a few books, one of them is specifically about loss and dementia. There is so much going on and when overwhelm hits, that's usually when my anger and resentment hit. Someone said in this thread that when resentment and anger show up, it's a message. I 100% agree! I found a therapist that helped me manage my difficult emotions and the output of energy I was giving, an outlet for venting. It was lifesaving. Having someone to talk to is helpful in sorting out what needs to happen for your own health, and your mother's. A support group for caregivers can also help. Make sure that the group talks about self-care (doctor appointments for you, therapy, anti-depressants if you need them, etc. ) and how to address what needs to happen with your Mom. If it's a group where some people dominate and you feel more exhausted after leaving, find a group where the leader does a good job addressing everyone's concerns and you aren't overwhelmed by other's longs lists of complaints. Go to the meeting with the concerns you need most help with, like your anger and resentment and how to help your Mom meet her needs. I was part of a wonderful group. I found the resources that I needed and got the emotional support I required to keep up with my Dad's growing needs. What you are doing is hard work and it is free labor. The people you think will show up for you often do not, but I found that as I searched and advocated for my father, other people showed up to help me. Finding your caregiving tribe can help with feeling all alone. One of the things I looked up when I was feeling very low was how many people in the US are caring for a loved one or friend. There are about 44 million caregivers doing the work you are doing. My Dad had Lewy Body Dementia and there are 15 million people caring for people living with dementia. You are not alone. Ask yourself, what is my capacity today? When you live within those capacities, you'll feel less resentful. I know that sometimes you have to give more than your current capacity, but make that the exception and not the rule. Take good care of your physical and mental health. Ask for help. I'm so glad you reached out. I wish you all the best

I have walked in your shoes, somewhat. When my mom moved in with us, when she had Alzheimer's, I became her chief cook and bottle washer, but that was my role here anyway. As an only child, I took her to doctor appointments, did her laundry, chased her out the door, (since she was a wanderer), etc. I was surprised at this turn that my life had taken. We tried Asssited Living for her, but it just didn't work. At the beginning of my caretaking journey, I thought, "My friend's mom handles Assited Living, why can't my mom?" but I got out of that mindset, because my mom didn't say, "Your college roommate became a doctor, and you didn't." I changed my mindeset from "I 'have' to take care of my mom," to I 'get' to take care of my mom, and that helped a lot. So did finding humor when I could. She once wanted to tell someone that she had pounded the pavement, looking for a job after college (accounting) in NY, but what she said was, "I walked the street of NY, if you know what I mean." My mom might have been a sweet talker, but she wasn't a street walker. I even wrote a book about our travails called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." I agree with others' suggestions about possibly getting someone else to help out. Best of luck.

I understand your resentment, I did all those things for my mother as well with no family assistance and now am doing it again with my father in law who happens to also be living with my husband and myself, again with no family assistance. It breeds animosity & and resentment towards our parents and creates a less loving atmosphere even tho we would do anything for them. Why don’t other family members understand that is my question. I have no answer by the way because I just cannot wrap my head around it and don’t know what to say??!!

Realize it’s the disease; not her. Remind yourself of this over and over.

Can she hire a cleaning service and have her groceries delivered? My mother does both of those things. She does all her shopping through Amazon. So we have only a few odd jobs we have to do for her (small repairs around the house) and doctor appointments, which are very doable. I am retired though, so daytime appointments work out fine for me.

As time moves forward, if you continue in this role, the list of tasks needing assistance will grow.

Sit down and make a priority list, putting tasks that are most critical (such as doctor’s appointments) at the top. Highlight the things you enjoy. Circle the things you resent that are not important for you to do personally. Are there tasks that are physically difficult or impossible for you?

Get help with whatever you can. Does she have a friend who would take her to the grocery store and lunch? A sister or a neighbor that could help with a task or two? Any adult grandchildren who might be able to help? Even a weekly check-in at a scheduled time will unburden your stress and lift your mom’s spirits.

Start interviewing for assistants.

Keep all the jobs that are critically important and that you enjoy.

if your mom has the financial reserves to pay for the help you still need to outsource, perfect!

if she doesn’t, call a family meeting and ask each individual to either step up and take a portion of tasks, or provide a monthly payment to cover their portion of duties. You may get better results if you speak with your siblings individually. (They may “gang up” against you if you meet or speak in a group.).

At the end of the day, remember you are doing this for your mom, not for them. Don’t seek or need their approval or thanks.

Your siblings may disappear forever from your life. Be okay with that. it is painful, but it had happened to a lot of us. They will have to live with their choices, not you. Don’t blame yourself. You don’t have to take them back and you don’t have to forgive them.

I was from a very large family and always expected to have 100% support and lots of helping hands. I was wrong— It turns out most of them were only coming around to collect their gifts from my parents and didn’t have interest in reciprocating. It’s amazing how many “dog ate my homework” excuses they came up with. The caretaking was 100% on me. One niece came by once weekly for a hour long visit (no other help with tasks) and that was most appreciated. It made mom happy and that was my main objective. Mom would talk about that visit for the rest of the week!

My parents have been gone for a while now and I have one very incredible surviving relationship with one sibling. She lived far away and didn’t help me with the caretaking but she has helped me with my grief. In my big picture, that may even have been more critical that helping with the physical and emotional labor.

Welcome to the world of taking care of aging parents and other family members who can help but don’t. I am in the same situation it’s hard to not feel resentment and anger. I take it day by day and pray that God gives me patient and strength and to help me not have a hardened heart.

i just wanted to say that the people here asking you not to resent your mom don't understand what caregiver burnout/compassion fatigue really look like. you are posting here because you *can't* find a way to stop resenting her even though you want to, and in addition to the logistical advice others have discussed here, you should arrange some therapy for yourself to work out the fatigue/burnout. i had the burnout as well and was definitely destroying our relationship (which was not wonderful to begin with) but it also spilled over into my whole life, i just didn't want anyone putting any demands on me whatsoever, didn't want to be around anyone because each person amounted to a potential job for me to do (cook for husband, arrange bday sleepover for niece etc). putting mom into a memory care home mostly cured that, as now i am a loving daughter who visits her and not the person who has to deal with her day to day care. but it didn't totally cure it; burnout doesn't just stop and i got some therapy to help ease myself back into the world. still working on it, as there is still caretaking involved with having mom in a facility--partly because she has always been a needy nervous wreck but also because of the need to keep tabs on what's going on there and make sure she's getting the care she needs. which she mostly is, but people make mistakes and it's important to show your face so they know someone will notice if things aren't right.