She is 91, very healthy and independent and has agreed to fly down to stay with them. They are reluctant to have her down at this time because they claim they are too involved with their jobs. They're also upset that we didn't travel to their city for a recent family get together. We didnt go because my mom refused to go and my mother-in-law became quite ill and required hospitalization. My sister-in-law's husband is in the first stages of Alzheimers, so her mom's care fell on my wife's shoulders. My wife works for a school system, so our window of opportunity is extremely small. Since we married 27 years ago, we have been my parents primary caregivers. We've included them in our daily family lives including the raising of our two kids. My siblings have never had to care for any elderly in-laws and have pretty much came and went as they pleased. Am I wrong to expect some respite?
If your mom can care for herself, I'd hire someone trustworthy (preferably a long-time neighbor) to keep an eye on her just in case. Leave your cellphone # for emergencies ONLY, and explain to your mom that you must have some R&R. She'll understand.
Also, it sounds to me like your siblings don't want to be bothered with Mom, so they're making all kinds of excuses. Forget them. Don't stoop to their level, and be polite every time they call or come by. Your kindness will make them feel so guilty they just might be inclined to keep company with the woman who brought them to the world.
Enjoy your vacation my friend, and keep us posted.
-- ED
In so many ways, though I wished so long for help, in that their heart is not in it I just can't imagine either of my siblings providing 10% of what I do... and I simply 'do the right thing'. Nothing extra-ordinary - nothing making me 'worthy' - just the right thing by my Mom.
The two times in five plus years (until today I thought it was four - maybe I'm catching up to Mom) it was a nightmare getting things back to normal. And with respect to the very, very, very, very rare short, short, short, short visits - I too was happy when they finally left. Even after a few hours.
In any case - enough of that.
Your husband has a great catch, indeed!!! Good for him and good for you. With respect to him becoming more emotionally affectionate, you may wish to review a part of my Site that deals with the VITAL importance of our providing uplifting emotional content. I really think that's the principle key to our ability to provide better than average care. After all, they LIVE not by intellect or reason, but by their emotions. (Sorry, I've been forbidden to link the Site here, but as I understand it - suggesting it is OK - Look at my Profile)
God Bless you and yours...
V
I'm not a very tactful person as well. My Mother always said that my other sister was the diplomatic one. Well, I'm happy with my personality and have found it to be crass at times but then again I don't care. If people (family in particular) don't know me by now, then they either don't want to or don't get it. Not my problem.
I take care of my Husband whom I love dearly. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. Life wasn't supposed to turn out this way. He is the love of my life and each day I see him deteriorating more and more. The "stare" gets me. I wonder what he is thinking or if he is thinking at all. He has become more emotionally affectionate than he has ever been. I feel that in his own way he is saying things that need to be said before he passes away. I enjoy most of our time together because I do love him so much. But at certain times the frustration is difficult. I literally cannot imagine a family member trying to take my place even for a week. We have no children and he has one living sibling who is worthless if you ask me. Funny, their Mother and all of her sisters and her brother died of Alzheimers. I believe there were 6 of them total. I never knew his Mother, only his Father. But his Father took care of his Mother until the night she died in their home.
I seem to be rambling which is so easy to do when you don't have anyone to talk to. Most of our "so-called" friends have disappeared - fear of the unknown I suppose. My siblings are spread all over the states. They all adore my husband but don't quite know what to do. It is a tough situation but I am here for his every want and need. I wouldn't have it any other way.
After the visit from his sister a few months back (and her husband) I told myself that I have to stand my ground. Their visit was a nightmare. I was so glad when they left a day early and so was my husband.
So yes, we have to be tough for our afflicted loved ones. I don't give a good you-know-what if someone thinks they have a better way - it's my way or the highway in this case. I am not here to take suggestions.
So thanks V for your great posting. My sister-in-law took care of my brother who died of cancer a few years ago and she is in constant touch with me. Now I understand what she went through with "us" - the clueless family.
Regards, Geeg
That said, some people are surely made up of less 'grit' than others. And they must be given their due when/if they are trying to be supportive, but due to their make-up and try as they might... just can't.
All that to say that in my limited experience, when my siblings attempt (five years worth of constantly attempting) to escape their responsibility... it is not a matter of ignorance and has little to do with their make-up. They simply don't want to be bothered. They are people whom I've identified on my WebSite (not by name) as people who, while speaking all the right flowery words... simply 'love-less'. And are happy to reside in that state of being. More bluntly, they could care less about their Mom's current state of being and will not help to support it's positive progression. After all, big brother is taking care of it.
Though it likely appears as though I'm ragging on them, these words are more to help those in this same predicament to strive to not only toughen up to the degree possible and diligently search to find a degree of respite not found within their own families, but moreso, to try to focus on that which we sometimes lose sight of because of the enhanced stress as time goes along and the disease worsens. That thing we have a tendency to lose sight of is the internal wonderful rewards one can only find through caring for a loved one who is solely dependent upon your love to enhance their existence.
When we remember to focus on that and bring it more to fruition, we tend to ever more unfold what is in a very deep sense, our reason for being.
My best...
V
You may wish to review my site dealing with that question in particular. I'm certain that in one way or other you'll find it quite helpful.
I know it's really tough... my heart goes out to you.
If you family is "too busy" (which is really sad to me) are you able to get signed up with a facility for respite? I am not real familiar with it but do have a friend who is caregiver to her husband and the state she lives in sends her a check once a year for a substantial amount of money for her to pay someone to come in for a week so she can get away. I would start looking on-line for help rather than asking your uncooperative family. It is just a darned shame in my opinion that they are not willing to help you out. I have found that people are afraid of the unknown. We have lost a lot of friends since my husband became ill due to just that.
You and your wife certainly need to get away. I would start looking for some help on-line rather than trying to get your family involved. If they don't want to do it or keep making silly excuses, you're better off without them. Get some relief from someone you can count on and depend on.
What goes around comes around. Someday they will see error of their ways. They should be ashamed of themselves!!! Forgive me for my bluntness but I am handling this situation all on my own and have seen and learned a lot in the past four years. Nobody can be that busy at their job not to be able to get away. Family should ALWAYS come first in my eyes but then my eyes see things differently than most others.
Good luck to you both and I hope soon you will get the much deserved rest that you both need.
If you really want your sibs involved on a regular basis, I would recommend calling a family meeting so everyone is in the same room and cannot squirm away. You need to speak in clear language about your needs. Remind them that they are equally responsible for your Mom's care and, conversely, be ready to accept their assistance.
Sounds like your Mom is capable of speaking up...she's still the MOM...and they should respect her wishes.
If this fails, you are left with respite care. Mom was in a rehab facility recently and responded really well to the social environment. So do not feel guilty...she will be in good hands....just do your homework and get good recommendations.
good luck
but we went on a cruise and my daughter came over for a week and watched my mom- all siblings out of state- cept brother whom she used to live with -but he lives in her house- never moved out - she begged me to take her out of there- so i did. anyway i would have her stay in assisted living since shes so independent instead of haveing a stranger in your house- good luck
I'm with LynnPO, as long as the neice is mature enough to handle her grandma, let her come. They could have a nice family visit and enjoy the baby. It'd save your mom from flying. Make sure the neice knows where to turn in case of an emergency. Have faith. Then you and your wife go enjoy a much deserved vacation.
Not to take your relatives' side, but I work and it's next to impossible to take time off without planning months in advance and I have the nicest boss in town. I don't know the particulars of their situation. It's just my input.
Are you reluctant for the neice to come because you think it's your sibling's responsibility instead? You are not out of line to expect your sibling to step up to the plate but good luck with that. Many of us on this site have at least one to many siblings who don't participate in the care of the parents.
Get mom situated and go have fun!
As for getting that vacation - look for other alternatives: Can your mom stay at an assisted living facility for a week? Can you hire a couple of aides to rotate day/night for a week so you can get away? This might be costly but they'll be licensed and know what to do in an emergency.
Best of luck to you and your mom.
I took a week vacation last fall and it took three of my siblings splitting up the week and staying at my home to care for Mom.
Good luck!