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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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I live in an assisted living facility because I am disabled, can't walk but my memory is nearly photographic at age 85. Most of the people here are old and have memory problems. Living here as long as I have has made me lose all patience and tolerance for people who constantly repeat the same things and do other stupid things. If they start repeating, I immediately tell them that they must stop - they have told me about l00 times. They are shocked because they don't recall it. But I save my sanity. I change the subject and if they start again, I leave. I simply won't put up with it any longer - it will destroy me. My patience is now gone.
I used to write answers in magic marker on note pad paper, one page for each question I knew Mom would ask: —the dog has been fed —we already got the mail —yes, my son is left handed. Those papers used to satisfy Mom. She has been gone for four years now, but I came across those papers the other day and my husband and I had a good laugh.
Mom used to repeatedly ask the name of the doctor we were going to. Eventually, I would say a different name and she would look at me quizzically. So deep down she really did know that right answer, and I’d feel really bad about my answer and tell her the right name.
Mom would repeatedly ask my son where he planned on going to college. With a straight face, he would answer with a different college each time. It actually opened up more conversation because she found each college different and interesting.
You will know the disease has progressed when the questions stop coming, so it’s both good and bad for you.
The only problem I had with the white board was that my mother was legally blind so I had to make the writing not huge, but better if made "BOLDED" - say with a black sharpie. This worked better for my mother if the word was BOLDED rather than made larger sized. Other than that, the white board is a great idea!
Use a dry erase white board and post to it daily. When she asks the same question for the 100th time, refer to the board. These boards are used in memory care and can be quite helpful for both of you. Best of luck!
I hope somebody has already suggested Teepa Snow's seminars, have they? She is very good on techniques to handle this particular form of dementia torture.
Patience and kindness are, of course, important. But do be fair to yourself, too. Repetitive questioning is enough to drive the kindest and most patient saint to drink; so if you feel that you are about to burst into tears or scream, it is better to say "I'll get back to you on that" and take time out. Doing that may puzzle your mother but it won't hurt or frighten her.
It can be so perplexing for family caregivers! It can take a lot of practice and a lot more patience! My 93 y/o dad continually asks "when are we going", "what are we doing". Luckily I'm also a geriatric social worker and I put together a little video that might have some helpful tips for you. https://youtu.be/nLdJ17HEWOk
I found Lugol's Iodine to be the cure for my DH. Within days of giving him the Iodine, his memory returned so that he could remember. If taking Iodine scares you, you can give Iodoral which is a minimum dosage. Just FYI, my physician was surprised and a little shocked - but after I started taking it, my DH asked me if I was giving it to him. I said no, do you want me to? He said yes, so I started putting the drops into his first drink of the day (that's how I use it) and within just 2-3 days his memory improved.
Google Iodine Deficiency - I have been taking Iodine for 2 years now and thankful to have done my own research. I use Lugol's 5% every morning - it turned out to be cheaper than the Iodoral and a better dosage for me.
A neighbor had the same problem with her father, so I told her and gave her my bottle of Iodoral and just like my DH, within just a couple of days he could remember conversations again.
NO, I am NOT in the medical field. But there is a font of information available if we only look for it online.
I remember Lugol's iodine! My ex husband forced us all to take it after Chernobyl. The idea is to saturate the thyroid so that it's less likely to take up environmental iodine, including the radioactive varieties that were swirling around in the atmosphere at the time. Well, that was 33 years ago and at least none of us got cancer... (spit spit spit touch wood)
Joeyrenee, Unfortunately, what you describe is part of having dementia. It takes the patience of a saint to deal with them. I found this aspect of Alzheimer’s especially wearing. I decided to count how many times the same things were said. She said, “There’s itching powder in my clothes.” 35 times in one day and “I have a terrible headache.” 27 times. Sometimes the same sentence was said a couple of times within a minute. *It didn’t seem to matter if anyone made a comment or explanation or not, she was still going to say it. *Distraction (talking about something else or walking around) did not work. She was focused on those two subjects. *Getting mad did not work. They don’t understand that they are repetitive, so they don’t understand WHY you’re mad. *IF the dementia isn’t very advanced you may be able to give an answer and they will be satisfied. It helps writing it down where they can see it. This doesn’t work in advanced (late stage 5 and 6) dementia. The mind has lost most comprehension ability.
Could you make a little video on your phone and play it every time the same questions/subjects come up? At least you wouldn’t have to be saying it each time.
Remember, their brains are broken. They can’t help how things are processed and what comes out of their mouths. We aren’t used to communicating with them on this level and it is beyond frustrating. Don’t get mad at them, just like you wouldn’t get mad at an autistic child for not being able to understand.
Go take your frustrations out somewhere else (sports, walking, reading, yoga, meditation, talking with friends (but watch that you don’t over-do with that), etc.)
There is no answer or solution to this. You can’t avoid it, you must go through it. How you handle it will be for YOUR benefit, not his/hers.
If you have a connection with a higher power, I’d suggest prayer. That helped me. Possibly join a support group for families of dementia victims. Come back here and vent anytime you need to. We’ve been there and done that.
I’m sorry for you both. You will get through this because you have to. And, this too shall pass.
Even though it is very frustrating to continually repeat a response try to do so with patience, easier said than done. I over saw my mother's care for about 3 years between AL and MC. In the end seeing her just staring off into space, I'd rather hear the repeated questions. She is gone now, 6 months this week and I'd give anything to hear her voice again. Cherish the time, it is a blessing to be able to care for our loved ones. Patience and prayers got me through.
My mother in law has dementia. She will ask the same question six times during dinner. She will make the same comment six times during a 15 minute car ride. I try to humor her and move on. We do havea calendar so she can tell the day and which caregiver is coming. However, she still asks many times.
2 things that have helped us: 1. We got both sets of parents an American Lifetime clock. It tells the day, the time and even morning, afternoon, evening. It’s in large black and white to make it easier to see. https://www.google.com/search?q=memory+clock&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en-us&client=safari#idx=Walmart&pie=plar-ti. We got ours at Amazon. 2. We got an 11x14 white board (dry erase) and we update it with the answers to the things they obsess about the most. Like when we moved my MIL to MC we wrote on dad’s board: “ Mom is in a different building 2 houses down so they can help her more and you can get more rest. 2. you can go see her in a few days when she gets settled in. 3. yes, you can afford this. Blair is taking care of all the bills and accounts and he said you are fine financially. 4. She will not be moving back. This is a permanent situation. 5. There is no cure for what she has. She will have good days and bad days. 6. If she says unkind things, it’s not really her, it’s her condition and how it has affected her brain. 7. If you can’t find something, go ask the staff to help you first. They are there, we are not. If you still can’t find it with their help. Write it down on your notepad and we’ll take care of it on Saturday if it’s not an emergency. 8. We know this is hard and we are praying for you and for mom.
we keep it in his room on the wall by his chair so he can refer to it often. We update it as needed depending on the loop 10”. It really has helped.
My mother does the same thing. I'll say "oh, yes, I remember you telling me about that" if she repeats a story (and she does, often!) When she asks a question repeatedly I just "go with the flow". It's kind of like having a toddler around sometimes, it feels like to me anyway. She lives with us so it's an every day occurrence. Really, just let it go and don't get frustrated. It's so much easier that way.
I printed signs on my printer in a font that is easily read, and put them in sleeve protectors and placed them where they could not be missed. At times the conversation still went in circles but my Dad did seem to have some recall about them. Sometimes he would pick them up and tell me he wanted to ask about the sign. Even add "DO NOT DISCARD" if it helps.
I'm 74. For years and years I have had a memory issue. Especially with people's names (that one from childhood). I'm also hyperactive and my minds go 100 mile an area which makes remembering even harder as it jumps from one thing to another. I had a LOT of friends that I see a lot. I'm very active with my church, ukulele playing, and the people I live with in my apartment building as well as other friends. So it makes it hard to remember who I told what. My sister in law has a very bad habit of interrupting me when I go to tell her something. (and she wonders why I don't visit a lot) But it's not necessary because I'm telling her something I've told her before, it's usually because I'm giving her a snippet of something I know I told her before but after a few sentences it's going to lead to something new. When she does that it completely wipes out of my mind the new stuff I was going to tell her. I've learned to start out with, "I know I told you such and such but..." and then hope I can keep in my mind what I wanted to add before it's gone. With my friends I just ask.... "did I tell you about?" (that doesn't work with my sister in law) From personal experience I can tell you how horrible it can be to so badly want to interact with someone and have almost every conversation be interrupted by someone so you can't even have a conversation. I did get on her about it and she's getting better at not interrupting me. I'm not so bad I'm asking the same questions or telling the same story every five minutes but if and when that time comes I hope that someone I'm talking to will have enough love in their heart to hear me out or maybe wait and maybe gently interrupted me with, "Oh yeah, I remember you telling me that..." and then go on with the conversation making me feel like a valued friend.
When someone interrupts me I find that saying "let me finish" helps. It shocks them into realizing they are being rude to interrupt and usually works. Listening is a skill and sadly so many especially women do not have it.
I just answer them again. It does no good to tell them you already told them something, it just frustrates them and makes them feel bad. It may drive you nuts but put yourself in their place. They wouldn't be asking if they knew the answer. So have a heart and tell them, again, over and over and over. Just think of it as one more thing to do for someone you love and it won't kill you in the process.
There are many days where I have the same questions within 5 minutes. Initially I found myself saying, "as I said..." and then realized that just made Mom feel like she goofed up. Now I just answer the questions like it's the first time they were asked - sometimes she'll say "oh, that's right - you just told me" and other times it's like new information again. I just go with it - I figure, at least I don't need to come up with a lot of subjects to talk about when we're together!
Oh yes, that’s very frustrating to listen to, isn’t it? All you can do is answer the question again, and again, and pray for patience. Eventually you may find that your LO may not remember from one minute to the next. Try very hard not to lose your patience. If it’s something that really needs to be recalled, like appointments, upcoming events, etc make sure they are written down on a calendar or posted on a wall. Does their doctor know about the forgetfulness?
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
—the dog has been fed
—we already got the mail
—yes, my son is left handed.
Those papers used to satisfy Mom. She has been gone for four years now, but I came across those papers the other day and my husband and I had a good laugh.
Mom used to repeatedly ask the name of the doctor we were going to. Eventually, I would say a different name and she would look at me quizzically. So deep down she really did know that right answer, and I’d feel really bad about my answer and tell her the right name.
Mom would repeatedly ask my son where he planned on going to college. With a straight face, he would answer with a different college each time. It actually opened up more conversation because she found each college different and interesting.
You will know the disease has progressed when the questions stop coming, so it’s both good and bad for you.
Best of luck!
Patience and kindness are, of course, important. But do be fair to yourself, too. Repetitive questioning is enough to drive the kindest and most patient saint to drink; so if you feel that you are about to burst into tears or scream, it is better to say "I'll get back to you on that" and take time out. Doing that may puzzle your mother but it won't hurt or frighten her.
Revisit the journal the next day, and review entries.
This may be a boost to those short-term challenges.
Google Iodine Deficiency - I have been taking Iodine for 2 years now and thankful to have done my own research. I use Lugol's 5% every morning - it turned out to be cheaper than the Iodoral and a better dosage for me.
A neighbor had the same problem with her father, so I told her and gave her my bottle of Iodoral and just like my DH, within just a couple of days he could remember conversations again.
NO, I am NOT in the medical field. But there is a font of information available if we only look for it online.
I think it is at worst pretty harmless, isn't it?
Unfortunately, what you describe is part of having dementia. It takes the patience of a saint to deal with them. I found this aspect of Alzheimer’s especially wearing. I decided to count how many times the same things were said.
She said, “There’s itching powder in my clothes.” 35 times in one day and “I have a terrible headache.” 27 times. Sometimes the same sentence was said a couple of times within a minute.
*It didn’t seem to matter if anyone made a comment or explanation or not, she was still going to say it.
*Distraction (talking about something else or walking around) did not work. She was focused on those two subjects.
*Getting mad did not work. They don’t understand that they are repetitive, so they don’t understand WHY you’re mad.
*IF the dementia isn’t very advanced you may be able to give an answer and they will be satisfied. It helps writing it down where they can see it. This doesn’t work in advanced (late stage 5 and 6) dementia. The mind has lost most comprehension ability.
Could you make a little video on your phone and play it every time the same questions/subjects come up? At least you wouldn’t have to be saying it each time.
Remember, their brains are broken. They can’t help how things are processed and what comes out of their mouths. We aren’t used to communicating with them on this level and it is beyond frustrating.
Don’t get mad at them, just like you wouldn’t get mad at an autistic child for not being able to understand.
Go take your frustrations out somewhere else (sports, walking, reading, yoga, meditation, talking with friends (but watch that you don’t over-do with that), etc.)
There is no answer or solution to this. You can’t avoid it, you must go through it. How you handle it will be for YOUR benefit, not his/hers.
If you have a connection with a higher power, I’d suggest prayer. That helped me.
Possibly join a support group for families of dementia victims. Come back here and vent anytime you need to. We’ve been there and done that.
I’m sorry for you both. You will get through this because you have to. And, this too shall pass.
Blessings to you.
I try to humor her and move on.
We do havea calendar so she can tell the day and which caregiver is coming. However, she still asks many times.
1. We got both sets of parents an American Lifetime clock. It tells the day, the time and even morning, afternoon, evening. It’s in large black and white to make it easier to see. https://www.google.com/search?q=memory+clock&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en-us&client=safari#idx=Walmart&pie=plar-ti. We got ours at Amazon.
2. We got an 11x14 white board (dry erase) and we update it with the answers to the things they obsess about the most. Like when we moved my MIL to MC we wrote on dad’s board: “
Mom is in a different building 2 houses down so they can help her more and you can get more rest.
2. you can go see her in a few days when she gets settled in.
3. yes, you can afford this. Blair is taking care of all the bills and accounts and he said you are fine financially.
4. She will not be moving back. This is a permanent situation.
5. There is no cure for what she has. She will have good days and bad days.
6. If she says unkind things, it’s not really her, it’s her condition and how it has affected her brain.
7. If you can’t find something, go ask the staff to help you first. They are there, we are not. If you still can’t find it with their help. Write it down on your notepad and we’ll take care of it on Saturday if it’s not an emergency.
8. We know this is hard and we are praying for you and for mom.
we keep it in his room on the wall by his chair so he can refer to it often. We update it as needed depending on the loop 10”. It really has helped.
I bet it will help.