I do know how difficult it is dealing with dementia and your loved one asking the same question or odd questions over and over as I cared for my own mother in my home. I am wondering if I’m being unfair in my opinion of my MIL. She is 97 and has dementia with some random sundowners issues. She has always been a nasty difficult woman. Barely raised her own kids between boarding schools and shipped off to grandparents in the summer. They were never allowed to join any clubs or activities that would require parental involvement and they were all pretty much out of the house by 18. Her dementia has her rewriting history. After years of verbal abuse my dear SIL has walked away - final straw was a face to face berating by mom that she was a terrible person, how hated she was and mom never wanted to see her again...when my SIL left the behavior and same sentiments were made to her again by a steaming ranting phone call from mother. Now over a year later my MIL keeps asking about her daughter, why she never hears from her or sees her, she never did anything wrong to be treated this way etc. My husband just says no I haven’t talked to her she is busy with her grandchildren ...my wife talks to her and they talk about the kids and grand kids. I feel on some level my MIL knows exactly what she said and did because she has never tried to call my SIL in the year since this happened. I don’t buy the poor me I never did anything wrong I’m a good person act. Let me just mention at age 65 ish my SIL was forced by her mother to strip naked to prove she wasn’t covered in tattoos as mother was sure she was. Also there 9 grand daughters who she has barely acknowledged over the years and 9 great grands she has never met (2 live in same town , 4 next town over .
She can say she’s Barbara Streisand or Melania Trump or The Deposed Queen of Rumania, and fully believe herself or just be “saying it”- there’s no difference.
Dementia is like pregnant. You really can’t be just a little bit.
No one should be taking their clothes off for her.
No one should be regarding ANYTHING she utters as reality/fact.
It’s a waste of your time and hers to engage in what you are considering “meaningful conversation”. Her brain is deteriorating and she is losing the meaning.
It doesn’t matter to the grandchildren or great grandchildren OR TO HER whether she sees them or doesn’t see them.
Her questions, angry or jolly or loopy or whatever, are irrelevant.
You can choose to stop focusing on who she was before, or choose to realize that you will be much more comfortable yourself by realizing that she is now what she is- someone with a progressively damaged brain and progressively less ability to understand others.
Her filters may not have been great previously but are now growing progressively worse. The less you engage her, the better for you both. HTH.
Your MIL is just a plain nasty person, who gets her kicks by demeaning others. SIL did the right thing as MIL is a toxic person.
I wouldn't get in the middle of this, it is between those two. I would let your husband continue to answer the questions.
Just how did she "force" another adult to strip naked? (sorry, my curiosity has gotten the better of me)
Does your husband understand that she's is both mentally ill AND has dementia? Has he ever been to therapy?
Most folks with mentally ill pare to have no idea that there's a name for how their parents behave and that it's not normal.
Walking away is exactly the correct technique. Don't engage with her when she "starts".