At a crossroads with how to handle mom.

When DH was awaiting a liver transplant, we were told, very firmly, by our Western Medicine doctors that IF we opted to go a 'holistic' route it would be considered outside the care plan and he would be dropped from the transplant list.

I couldnt' believe how many people (out of kindness and love, I know) came to our home and had essential oils, tinctures, magnets, crystals, anointed rocks and stones---that they believed would cure his cancer.

We were always respectful of these people, but told them we were 100% committed to the Western Med was of treating him. A lot of our 'friends' would tell us that we were making a terrible decision.

Well--that's was their right and we had ours.

I believe that God gave us the brains and spirit to make the decisions that are best for us. He also gave us SO MANY tender mercies along the way. My DH's transplant was nothing short of a miracle.

When I was dxed with cancer, I had maybe 4-5 months to live. I went Western Medicine the whole way. Again--kind friends wanted to 'guide me' on my healing path.

The only thing I felt comfortable in accepting was massages and I know those didn't cure me.

ANd, BTW, our dog slept by DH's side of the bed for 4 months post-transplant. She seemed to know he needed her. Best nurse and companion ever!

I'm posting this as one who has experienced divine intervention in a health situation I had. No other explanation is possible, since it doesn't ever just go away.

Korisea, if you are fighting this battle for your mother's life with only holistic medicine, it's going to be equivalent to fighting a boxing match with Muhammad Ali with one hand tied behind your back. I've seen this before, many times.

Examples:
My childhood friend Ben, a great baseball player in high school who was chosen to play on a farm team leading to the major leagues, had a growth on his neck about the size and shape of a cucumber by graduation day. His parents refused to let him see a doctor because "God is working it out." A year later the growth was enormous, choking off his air. The team sent him home. Finally, in desperation, he saw a doctor who removed it. The malignancy had spread. At age 19, Ben died. God worked it out. His parents were inconsolable.

A friend, Mr. M, was in the hospital with Covid that he caught at church. He refused treatment because "God will work it out." He's dead. His Sunday school buddies were his pall bearers. Another friend with Covid also refused treatment with medicine. God worked that out, too. My friend died after seven days of pain. His children miss him.

If you think your heart is broken now, wait until your mother is gone from this earth forevermore.

I have stage 4 cancer and was given 2 months to live back in Feb. Had I not agreed to the immunotherapy treatments, I likely would have died in April or May, considering the sheer amount of cancer inside my body at the time. And terrible pain. Should I have said no to pain meds and treatment and relied solely on God to rid me of cancer and pain?

I took the pain killers and the treatment AND prayed to God for the strength to withstand the journey ahead of me.

Your mother is not a "narcissist" if you've had a close relationship and "special bond" with her over the years. You cannot have a special bond with a narc.....they don't allow it. Nor do they go to rescue super protective and intuitive dogs who have been abandoned at shelters.

If you're both against meds, regular doctors and traditional medical care, then I wish you the very best of luck with whatever lies ahead for both of you. If you are forcing YOUR beliefs on your MOTHER, then I suggest you get her to the doctor asap, by any means possible.

Taking your Mom to see a Western medicine doctor for a cognitive exam doesn't require anything that isn't holistic. They would ask her questions, ask her to remember 3 words then recall them 10 minutes later, and draw a clock face with the hands at a specific time. This test result just gives a general idea of her capacity. It won't tell you what type of dementia she has (unless you go to a neurologist) but at least you'll know what you're dealing with because there are strategies to help make things go more smoothly between you.

An accurate diagnosis would greatly help your ability to care properly for her and maintain a more peaceful and productive relationship. Many other medical problems can mimic dementia symptoms: a UTI, a thyroid problem, vitamin deficiency, dehydration, diabetes, high blood pressure, a stroke, a tumor, etc. Some of these issues are very treatable and others will be more challenging.

Dementia is mostly diagnosed by excluding other causes for the symptoms. The most common offender is a UTI, which is extremely common among elderly women and often is not caused by lack of hygiene but by physiological changes and changes in her pH, among other things. This is easily tested for at an Urgent Care to discount this issue. FYI an untreated UTI can turn septic very quickly and become life-threatening.

If you are against the use of antibiotics, then you and she can decide how to proceed, but at least you'll know that if her symptoms worsen she will require a trip to the ER for immediate treatment.

Also, are you her PoA? This is another reason to get a cognitive exam done since proof of impairment will be needed to activate the PoA authority. If no one is her PoA then this can snowball into a bigger problem that you cannot imagine at this point. Please search this on this forum to read all about what can happen.

Regarding your Mom cancelling her medical appointments: you can use a strategy called a "therapeutic fib". This is a scenario you paint for her in order to get her to do something in her own best interest because it appears she is no longer capable of making good decisions for herself. Something like, "Medicare allows a free exam for your general health". If you get her to this appointment, discretely hand the staff a pre-written note telling them you're her daughter and to please check her for a UTI and give her a cognitive/memory exam. They will be glad to play along (I did this for my MIL). Stay in the exam room with her the whole time. Before leaving ask the check-in desk for the HIPAA Medical Representative form. Have your Mom write in your name as her MR and sign it, hand it back to the person before you leave. This will allow your Mom' doctors & nurses to legally discuss her protected medical information with you without her having to be present. You will also be able to give the staff actionable information about your Mom's health.

There is much you can and should do yourself right now. Please don't wait until she has a full-blown health or cognitive crisis. An accurate diagnosis will be very important to both of you. May you receive clarity, courage, wisdom and peace in your heart as you work to help figure things out together!

Your mom is worried that because the dog is sleeping on her bed, the dog is "picking up" on something worrisome?

I had a dog like that. When one of my kids was sick, he would snuggle up to them. Not otherwise. It was my signal to take temperatures, perhaps call the pediatrician.

If you and mom don't believe in regular doctors, does she have a holistic practitioner? A visit might soothe her fears, yes?

“God helps those who help themselves”.

Absolutely rely on your Faith to see you through the storm, but the apply the Biblical axiom of “Faith AND WORKS”, find a doctor whose practice addresses the need of geriatric clients and is also in sympathy with your personal faith, and get her the help she needs.

Unless God has given you specific knowledge that her actions are “narcissistic”, your perceptions may very well not be accurate.

Is your “awareness” of “unnecessary and dangerous effects” based on factual information from authentic sources?

I pray every day for “those who suffer”. Sometimes relief from suffering comes in unexpected forms, and are clearly “Godsent”, and sometimes we must turn our swords into plowshares and fight hard to find answers.

Hoping you can receive enlightenment and peace.

God gives us the boat and the oars, it is up to us to figure out how to use the oars and row to the shore....meaning you will have to work this out.

Not sure what the question is but all this sounds like regular behavior for one with dementia.

By the way, I am glad that she rescued Bella, and she is most likely sleeping with Mom because she is afraid that you will scoop her up and get rid of her again. Dogs know.

OK I won’t suggest medications or regular doctors, but I also WOULD NOT suggest relying on ‘God is working everything out’. If God was that reliable, God would already have helped. Pick a different road.

I don't see a question here, but would like to respond that if your mom is suffering from some sort of dementia she can't help behaviors that seem narcissistic to you. It may not be a coping strategy, rather that she is no longer able to understand another person's feelings. She just can't. It would be best to get her to those appointments and if she is diagnosed, read up on whatever she is diagnosed with.

You took her dog to a shelter?! I would hold that against you too. I’m glad she got the dog back. That was an awful thing to do.

What are you trying to figure out how to handle? If you think she might have dementia, though it's hard to take her behavior personally, you will need to do exactly that. If she's still living in her own apartment, she might need some caregivers soon. Good luck.