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Trying to help my 92 year old grandmother from another state, she's lost both children, husband and is the last of her family except her grand kids (6 of us). My husband and I live in Tx, while she lives in Va. My brother and cousins demand that we quit our jobs, and move to Va. My husband has a great job here, his dream job, we just had our first grandchild ourselves 2 months ago and see him all the time. Even my grandmother's neighbor (elderly herself) has told me I'm the worst granddaughter on earth because I haven't packed up and moved there and tries to convince my grandmother I don't care about her. I am the only one who calls my grandmother, does my best to make sure she has what she needs, listens to her hurtful angry outbursts, been accused of stealing or moving things around (I live 1400 miles away) No one else in the family wants to help me out, either visiting her (they live in Tx and NY, I can't even get my 28 year old daughter to go see her and she lives 2 hours away from Grandmother, she says her work schedule is complicated) I just got back from seeing my grandmother over Christmas and am leaving in the morning to go back to see her with my middle daughter and the new baby. The family is expecting my husband and I to give up our lives while they sit back and do absolutely nothing, not even calling her, or even asking how she's doing, then make me feel bad for not moving to Va fast enough. I'm at my wits end. My grandmother still drives (says she will know when to stop. I think she should have already stopped) My husband is looking for jobs in Va, and while I mind in a way of giving up our lives here (we live at the beach which was a goal when the kids grew up) I am trying to move to be closer to her, But I don't think it should all be thrown on me. The last time my brother saw her was a year ago when my mother (my grandmother's last living child) passed away, and he promised grandmother he would visit her, but now says "I can't take time off work" or "It doesn't fit in with my wife's timeline" I don't know really what my question is, but I just dont know what to do anymore. I'm a ball of stress constantly.

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I just want to ask you one question, and then I want you to think long and hard on the answer:

Why, out of 6 grandchildren, are you the one expected to dismantle your ENTIRE life to move to another place to take care of granny? What makes you the "fortunate" one?

Right now, you're living in your dream place and your hubby has his dream job...why does anyone expect you to leave your dreams behind and move into a complete nightmare? (OK, so I asked 2 questions).

I think you're letting your heart dictate your moves here...I really think you need to listen to what your head is telling you and stay put.

If you can't bring yourself to abandon granny, and she is unable to live alone, then you can offer to ***HELP*** her either 1) find at home care to hire or 2)find a facility that will meet her needs. But make *** very certain *** you explain to any and all persons who feel they have a say in this that it will be granny's money that will pay for this.

You know deep inside that uprooting yourself from your life to take care of this person will lead to nothing but heartache. You have the ability right now to put a stop to this thinking and say NO. It doesn't make you a bad person; it doesn't do dishonor to your deceased parents. DON'T let anyone try and guilt you into that train-wreck of a thought process. Please, for the sake of you, your husband, your marriage, your kids and your grandkids, don't move to take care of grandma!
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Allora2 Jan 2021
Notgoodenough is 100% correct. Follow her advice. You are obviously a very caring person. You have already shown much care for your Grandmother that is why the other grand children just expect you to move and take care of everything! Don’t do it.
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You are putting way too much stock in what other people are saying - why do you care what the old biddy next door to your gma thinks? And are the other members of the family really expecting you do move and become a caregiver or are you inferring that based on the fact they won't do anything themselves - just because nobody else steps up doesn't mean you are nominated by default. If you've been asking the others to do X, Y or Z and they say no, do it yourself that isn't necessarily an expectation. If anybody needs to be flexible it is grandmother, if life changes need to be made they are hers to make, not yours. Prioritize what is absolutely necessary for your grandmother and what you can reasonably take on without compromising your own family, the rest is not your responsibility.
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Your brother and cousins are real pieces of work. Why on earth would you do what is not what's best for you and your husband? Your grandmother needs to move into a senior living facility. Period. You can research places from the beach in Virginia. Your husband should not quit his dream job. Live your life because everyone else in your family certainly is living theirs.
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Grandma needs Assisted Living. Period. Ignore the guilt trips the others are laying on you b/c they're too lazy and uninterested in doing anything for grandma THEMSELVES, and help her get settled in some kind of senior living residence. Then tell the 'relatives' to stop calling you entirely. They have some nerve, they really do. Heaping it all on YOU while they sit around doing jack. Isn't that rich?

Good luck!
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I didn't even need to read your complete story to know what to advise: Ignore all these people, including the pleas of your grandmother. This is not your problem. You can't do much or evaluate the situation from 1400 miles away and all you are going to get from your family is grief so call Adult Protective Services and let them know that they should check on your grandmother to evalute her situation. They can take over. There is no amount of care or helping that you can give to your grandmother that will appease your family members. No matter what you do they are going to find fault with it.

Next, get yourself to a psychologist to help you deal with this totally disfunctional family situaton.
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There is no situation on earth that would cause me to leave my wonderful grandchildren.

I would contribute funds, if I had them, but IMNHO, ESPECIALLY considering the family dynamic among the rest of your siblings, I’d be HAPPY to have 1/6 of the responsibilities EQUALLY SHARED AMONG THE 6 GRANDCHILDREN (but factually THIS NEVER HAPPENS, because SOMEBODY or SOMEBODIES ALWAYS absent themselves for VERY (HAHAHA) GOOD REASONS), and if one or more sibs bject, they may pick up your 6th share themselves.

You visit, presumably communicate socially, and are willing to “HELP” however you can, but that does NOT mean dragging yourself away from that GRANDBABY.

However you got saddled with this and your “dear Sibs” got the pass, you need to do your best with learning to ignore. If you don’t, you’re going to wind up becoming Grandma’s workhorse, and getting to know that baby by ZOOM and missing out on first smiles, first time being called “GaGa” (or equivalent) and changing poopy diapers (a thrill RESERVED for grandmas).

DON’T BROOD, DON’T STRESS, DON‘T GO!!!!!!
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No, of course you don't give up your home, your lives, your jobs and move back for your 92 year old Grandmother who already has family in the area. Time to stop all the discussions. We used to have a much love member of Forum who would say that this is what you should tell them; tell them "I am so sorry. I couldn't possibly do that". Period. End of sentence. Full stop.
I mean full stop. Stop arguing with all of them. Stop listening to them. And if a bunch of folk in VA think you are not a very nice person? Just how does that impact your good lives in Texas.
Stay put. Let them work it out. Tell them you wish them all the luck in the world but that being in Texas there is honestly nothing you can do for them In VA. Take a leaf out of your bro's book; he's the smart one. Say, "So sorry. Can't take time off. Just doesn't fit with our job's timeline".
Your grandmother is 92. I hope she has had a splendid life with lots of living and lots of loving. She may now need to go into some placement, and she will have her memories, and form friendships there, and be cared for while you go on to live a life, remembering the life lessons you learned from her.
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Please stop your husband from the job hunt. Please stop listening to “hurtful angry outbursts” Please give yourself some credit for the care and time you’ve invested. Please ignore rude comments about what you “should” be doing. There are many here who do caregiving from a distance, it looks different but it can be done. If your grandmother won’t cooperate with your attempts to help you can report her to social services and know you’ve done your best. Uprooting your life and dancing to the tune of others is not the answer
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Thank you all for your comments, it really does mean A LOT.
The members of my family actually do think I should up root, telling me and my daughters im being selfish. My brother has said many times i should have already left my husband here and moved to Va until he (husband) can find a job. When I asked him why he doesnt move, he said his wife wont go with him. My 28 year old daughter who lives 2 hours away and I had an argument that it wouldnt kill her to go see her great grandmother once a month, and now shes not speaking to me, because how dare i expect her to give up a day off. The neighbor is a woman who is nasty and spends time with my grandmother a fair amount of time with her, and tells her I dont have her best interest at heart who became nasty to me because I wouldnt give her my grandmothers financial info, and went as far as telling my youngest daughter to drop out of college and move back to Va "If she cared". As far as assisting living, I always said if my grandmother was in a mental state that she didnt understand anything, i would totally put her in one. But she is still in her right mind so to speak and active as far as doing things around her house, she keeps her house clean, feeds the deer (has for 23 years), etc. Ive tried talking to her about having someone come and take her places and just generally keep her company (i.e. watch out for her without her knowing thats what it is) But she doesnt trust anyone. She says sometimes she sees people walking in her house at night, that my deceased mothers portrait is speaking to her, my deceased grandfather talks her through finances (which i do have the ability to look at to make sure shes ok). I know when she gets nasty even though it hurts, its not really her talking and i change the subject. Over Christmas, she kept calling me by my mothers name. Over the last year, she has said "Dont you dare up root your life for me, I would be so upset with you" But this time when i left, she asked if i really had to leave and were we moving back near her. I would do anything for my grandmother, I love her with all my heart. I guess I just get upset that Im the one expected to do everything. I think out of the 6 grandkids of hers, im the only one who is NOT expecting something when her time comes. My other daughters *mainly youngest* do call her and check on her. Ive asked my grandmother to come live with us, but at 92 she wont budge and I dont think it would be good for her to try to get use to new surroundings here in Tx. The biggest thing that gets my heart to say no im not moving is my grandson, hes our first grandchild and the only great great grandchild to my grandmother.

But I do get what you all have said, and it seriously has given me a new perspective on things. Thank you all so very much. <3 Much love for all your kind words and support.
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Geaton777 Jan 2021
tonyat6183, just want to point out that when you are concerned that you "don't think it would be good for her to try to get use to new surroundings" please remember that at her age she is one fall or medical incident away from being hospitalized or entering LTC, where she will not know anyone anyway. Most likely many of her friends and neighbors have already passed. Who is left but that one busybody? If she lived near you and your daughters in TX she at least has the hope of seeing family on holidays and some weekends. Way more than now. Loneliness is one of the biggest problem for seniors. A facility would have things to do and field trips, etc. and she would be cared for and you would have peace of mind. ((hugs to you))
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Another piece of advice after reading your further comments - please, please stop putting pressure on your daughter to go visit great-grandma. Because the resentment your daughter feels is going to last and poison your relationship long after grandma is gone. At 28 years old, she can make decisions for herself on how to spend her time. Would it be nice if she would visit? Absolutely. Should you be pressuring her to? Absolutely not.
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AlvaDeer Jan 2021
I so agree.
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Since your brother says he can’t move to VA because his wife won’t have it, you should tell him the same thing-tell him your husband won’t allow it either. He can’t rebuke that can he? Echoing the choir, DO NOT move. Your husband has a job, you have your grandchildren where you are. Why would you give all that up for someone who has already lived a very long life? She got to live life now she wanted right? Well you have the right to do the same. Move her to assisted living. She will have a village of caregivers and other residents to socialize with. If you move up there, YOU alone will be her caregiver and entertainment community. Your life will revolve around her. Are you prepared for that?
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Don't be silly -- you aren't going anywhere.

Granny gets a few choices, if she's competent to make them:

1. She gets to stay in her home doing her own thing with hired help

2. She gets to move into assisted living in Virginia

3. She gets to move into assisted living in Texas

If she is not competent to make those decisions, I sure hope someone in the family has power of attorney to make those decisions. If no one does, then your responsibilities are no different than any of the other cousins. If you choose, you can contact an elder care attorney to see what your options are.

There is absolutely no consideration of you uprooting your life and moving to help someone who -- let's be honest -- won't be around all that long. You help within the parameters that do not include you moving.
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I'm with Alvadeer. Just say: So sorry but I can't do that. Full stop. You may find then, safe in that firm position, that you can chip in with others and do something helpful that you are comfortable with. But only when So Sorry But No is safely signed and sealed.
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No, don't uproot yourself. It will come back to haunt you. Husband may never like another job like the one he has. Tell family, sorry but I am not uprooting myself. I will help from a distance anyway I can. Will visit as much as I can but I am not moving. If Gma needs help, she will need to hire an aide, go to an AL or if bad, an LTC facility if no one else is there to help her. If you move there, u will be expected to do everything. Thats what your relatives want, someone to hand over the responsibility to.

Ur daughter, call her and apologize. Tell her family is putting a lot of pressure on you and you have realized you are doing the same to her.
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tonyat6183 Jan 2021
I did talk to my daughter, she isnt upset with me anymore. So thats a good thing.
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Please do not give up your life!! And your husband has a good job? In these times that is like solid gold. Frankly I don't think you should risk your financial future. As for the rest of your family - they are trying to guilt you! For sure you have no more responsibility for grandma than they do! Of course they will try to dump all the work on you - that let's them off the hook. But I say that is moral evil, abuse of another person, you.
You could help consider options for grandma's care. All the options, not just the traditional idea of a "woman kisses it and makes it well!" Not any woman's lot in life to clean up everyone else's problems. How about some basic fairness and justice here? They are concerned about Grandma? Fine. But it is up to them to work on the problems as much as you. Keep strong. Don't swallow their bully tactics. Expect they care more about their own comfort, rather than Grandma's best interests.
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tonyat6183 Jan 2021
Family isnt really concerned about my grandmother, they are concerned with what they will get when she passes away. They dont call her (not even on Christmas)

My brother will call me or text (mostly text) about her, Not really about her care, more so about why im not living there yet. I tell him, You should go see her or hell, even call her. He just says "I cant take off work" or "I call she doesnt answer" well he calls when he knows she is feeding the deer and is outside. But hey, he can say he called.

She will and has been calling one of my cousins for about 5 months, always gets voicemail, and she never calls my grandmother back. My grandmother makes excuses for her saying shes busy with her kids (who are older) I think anyone can take 5 minutes a month just to call and say HI.
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Does your grandmother have a POA? Just wondering if she has her financial and medical things in order. She is one incident away from needing placement, and it would be so much simpler if affairs are in order. Someone (doesn’t have to be you) needs to find out. And I would NOT recommend you become POA, unless she was moving closer to you. Sounds like an important conversation for your grandmother to have with several relatives.
And no reason for you to uproot yourselves when you have worked to have a lovely home there near your grand baby.
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Has anyone considered the financial expense of relocating to care for a 92 year old grandmother? I would consider analyzing this move from a financial standpoint. Does it really make sense for you and your husband to move? Do you think the grandmother will live longer than 5-10 years? Do you love VA enough to make it your home? Really think about this. Also, the family and friends that are commenting on what you and your husband should do, don’t seem to be helping. I would ignore them. You seem to be doing all you can to be of help. I would look into assisted living facilities for your grandmother in an area that works best for you....if you are still open to being her family contact person. It’s easy to be reactive when we are tired, overwhelmed, uncertain and under criticism. I would definitely take a few steps back, reflect and not make any extreme life decisions at this time. If anything, life has a way of “setting in” and things can drastically change in no time. Just think about it.
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tonyat6183 Jan 2021
Honestly, I hate Virginia. I am originally from Houston,Texas, but lived in Virginia for just about 20 years when we were raising my daughters. Spent 20 years trying to get back to Texas..FINALLY did.
I just got back from my 2nd trip up to Va in a month..every time im there, I hate it. I dont like mountains, I dont like snow and despise the cold.

I would hope my grandmother would live even 5 more years. When I talked to her right before i left this time, she said she didnt fear dying that it was something that came with age "we dont live forever" she said.

She wont go into a facility, and i dont have the power to do it, and honestly right now, I wouldnt have the heart. Shes still able to care for herself and has her routine. She said if she didnt have her cats, she wouldnt want to stay in her house (i think the cats will out live her) , I have said if she couldnt remember anything, it would be a no brainier. But she remembers a lot, so I will just keep going up to see her.

As far as being her family contact person, I will always be that person for her.
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Please tell us you're no longer considering moving! Your siblings seem they'll dislike anything you do. And THEY are the selfish ones for insisting you uproot your life while they go on as they please.
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"...She says sometimes she sees people walking in her house at night, that my deceased mothers portrait is speaking to her, my deceased grandfather talks her through finances..." Your grandmother has dementia and it's only going to get worse. Her needs are only going to increase.

The best way to help her right now - and quickly - is for you to pay for her to get a consultation with an elder law attorney who can draw up her important paperwork i.e. durable power of attorney, living will, will. Attorneys are used to determining whether or not their client understands the paperwork they are signing. If the attorney says "Nope" then you can go for guardianship, which is expensive but the best way to protect her and for you to be able to make the decisions that will need to be taken if she continues to refuse assistance.

A 92 year old with dementia does not get to run the show. You love her and doing what is best for her may not be what she wants or likes but rather what is necessary for her safety and for your peace of mind while you continue living your best life in Texas.

What does your husband have to say about all of this???
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tonyat6183 Jan 2021
My grandmother has a trust, shes always had one. Everything is in the trust, including but not limited to bank accounts and stocks. When my mother passed away a year ago, she went and took my mothers name off her trust so my mothers husband wouldnt be able to claim my mothers share of things. I have POA over my grandmother, (I have for years now, we went over it last year as we do every year) But she will only give POA if she cant make choices for herself, pay bills if she cant, make medical decisions if she cant. I have her lawyers card. I see that she has dementia to a certain extent, shes not out of it, and is with it 98% of the time. There is no way at this moment i could get her to go to an assisted living home, shes still too sharp for that.

My husband, he loves my grandmother so much. He said he would do anything I wanted to take care of her. That I have his support 100%.
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No way should you move. She can move to Texas or into a care facility in VA.

Tell your family to go pound sand when they try to get you to give up your life to prop hers up. That demand on you is so ridiculous that you should laugh at them.
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Dear "tonyat6183,"

After reading the majority of the comments, I too, agree that you and your family should not be uprooted from your lovely home and great jobs in Texas. As we all know especially having gone through a year with the pandemic, it's not easy to find much less get such wonderful jobs even if you are qualified.

The questions that "notgoodenough" asked:

"Right now, you're living in your dream place and your hubby has his dream job...why does anyone expect you to leave your dreams behind and move into a complete nightmare? (OK, so I asked 2 questions)."

It occurred to me that maybe your brother and cousins want to see your lives turned upside down because you seem to have everything going for you and they may be envious of that. Please don't let that happen especially if that is their reason. In the end, it will only hurt you and your family - not them. Plus, you will never, ever get back the amount of time/firsts with your new grandbaby - once it's gone, it's gone and then the regrets will take their place.

And certainly don't let your grandmother's elderly neighbor influence your decision or make you feel "less than" - you don't know that woman from the man on the moon. In these situations, everyone is looking for a "scapegoat" and right now, you're it.

I feel like there are options and the first one would be to look at the care facilities in Virginia!
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tonyat6183 Jan 2021
My husband would be able to transfer with his company, He just wouldnt have the job hes at now. And he loves my grandmother so he would do it if it came down to it.

Her neighbor.. ugh that woman. Ive met her once, but we have spoken on the phone. I dont really let her get to me as far as what she says, i just dont want her in my grandmothers ear.

I know my brother enjoys watching my stress level, and i also know he did not expect my mother to pass away before my grandmother. He thought my mother would be around to take care of him (I am not saying he dosent take care of himself, he does) he just thought my mother would be her to give him more than what my grandmother wanted him to have.

Why does family have to be so hard, I mean, why cant family all come together, if not for each other, then for the sake and well being of our loved one...I just dont understand it.
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What a burden your family tries to put on you.
Its more than ridiculous that you of 6 grandkids are the chosen one to step up, pushed by the others.
In what you write in a later comment I do think there is mentally more going on. Agewise not uncommon at that age. I do think she would be better of with some kind of care.
Is there a way to share your concerns with her primary doctor? He can set up some homecare that helps with bathing/ food intake/medication etc When that is not( no longer) enough it will be noticed by her caregivers and other opportunities would be needed. If it comes to the point that she can’t live at home anymore than you could consider her to move to Texas so visits can be done more often, by all of her grandchildren, not only you.

I do think someone needs to step up in your GM’s best interest but it definitely doesn’t need to mean you have to totally give up all you have and care for. There are so to say more ways that lead to Rome.
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tonyat6183 Jan 2021
She is able to take care of her bathing, food intake and she does take her medication. At 92, I am surprised shes only on 1 medication lol. I have meals delivered to her so I know shes eating. I have talked to her about having someone come and take her to the store and to the drs, and she said she will think about it.

She is a very active woman, she dosesnt sit still and in good physical health, she isnt a feeble woman. Its her mind thats the main concern. Misplacing things then saying someone stole it, the dementia setting in. Mentally she started going down a year ago when my mother passed away suddenly.

As far as the grandchildren, 3 of us are in Texas, my brother and myself and a cousin, the others are in New York.

I have talked to her Dr, shes not a patient woman to say the least. She gets very snippy with my grandmother when she cant rattle off things fast, and she treats my grandmother like a child. Ive asked her to have some patience with her (seeing how she is a geriatric doctor) but to no avail. Unfortunately, most of the Drs around the area are not great. (small towns)

I am actually up her in Virginia right now, I was here with my husband at Christmas, and came back up with my daughter and her husband and new baby so my grandmother could meet her great great grandchild. And my daughter and I have already talked about coming back soon.

If it came to the point of her not being able to live at home anymore, I would find a nice place for her where ever I was, but sadly, my brother and cousins would have no interest in visiting her. They cant find 5 minutes to call her just to say hi. I wish they would though.

My mother before she passed away, was the one who took care of my grandmother as she lived one town away. While I always called my grandmother, my mother looked after her. When my mother suddenly died, my brother and I came up and he made a lot of promises to my grandmother that he broke, And boy oh boy she is sharp on that.
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Others here have said a lot of valuable things, so let me offer a suggestion concerning the troublesome neighbor. Turn her into an ally.

I suggest writing in a letter, so you can hone it and control the tone, rather than risk getting angry talking to her in person or over the phone. Manipulate her, but in an honest, positive way. Her anger at you may be because she isn't getting care and attention from her family, too.

"Thank you so much for your kind care and concern of my grandmother! It's such a blessing to know someone is so close I can count on to help and support grandmother. I love her so much, it hurts me terribly that I can't be there for her all the time. Obviously, I would love to be with her, but it is just impossible. [emphasize everywhere that you want to but *obviously* cannot, it's impossible]

"I would like to move grandma near to us in Texas, but it seems unfair to uproot her when so many of her family (name them and their distances), and good friends like you are so close. [go on a bit about how it's impossible to leave your jobs/homes/new grandchild, etc., but with a tone of regret -- go for a tearjerker].

"It's wonderful to know I can count on you to help Grandma, and help me do what is best for her! Your love and care of her is a blessing that helps me through these difficult times."

Go on from there, as much as you can, always with the positive, thankful tone. You need her help. You're thankful she is such a wonderful woman. You aren't lying. You're just looking at and talking about everything from a different direction. You're trying to diffuse anger and turn it into kindness and helpfulness. Deliver this letter, nicely written with a fancy "thank you" or "bless you" card with it, along with a gift like flowers or a plant (plants last longer - becomes a constant reminder).

Then pick a cousin or sibling who has tried at least a little bit, and repeat. "I'm so glad you're so close... love grandma so much... need help..." Etc. Say what you said on the forum here. You're overwhelmed and need help, but never in an accusatory way. Some "remember when"s of good times help. Talk about the grandchild you are so near to.

Good luck! Hope it goes well for you and yours.
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