How do we know if it's best for my father-in-law to live with us or stay in a nursing home?

I'm having the same issue with my Dad, problem is he has dementia.
1. can you communicate with your father-in-law? does he understand your conversation?
2. Very few people pass away at home, usually in a hospital.If he is afraid he might be alone at his passing,gather the nurses that are
in charge of his care, with him and make sure every one knows they are to call you/husband at any sign your father-in-law is
declining. Do it in front of him to reassure him he will not be alone.
3.You and your husband need to talk about the impact it will have
on both of you. Coming home after work, tired and taking care of your father-in-law.
We brought our Dad home from the nursing home, it lasted 3 weeks, putting him back in the nursing home was devastating to
him and us. It has been very hard on usand our Mom.
Of course, dad has dementia and does not understand anything.
And does not remember 5 minutes anything you tell him.

I hope i have helped and have not added more burden. It is very
hard knowing the right thing to do. I would first try to reassure him that you will be with him at the end no matter where he is.
And most likely in a hospital and not at home. You & your husband are not doctors/nurses and can not give him the care he needs at that time, to make him comfortable.

Shelly, I would say to sit down with your husband and take a good look at yourselves and your physical and emotional resources. You can only do so much. You need to keep yourselves sane and healthy so that you can properly care for your father-in-law. This has been the lesson I have learned over the past several years looking out for and caring for my elderly parents. What they want for themselves is not always the best solution for the adult child caring for them. I have had to be able to tolerate being the "villain" a few times, when I did what I truly thought was best for Mom and Dad. (I am an only child.) In the cases of these difficult decisions, in my heart I knew I was doing the right thing and my conscience is clear before God (who is my only real judge). If you could find a very nice, comfortable, clean nursing home, then you could "care from afar" for your father-in-law, and still give yourselves the space you need. On the other hand, if your father-in-law has a personality type and physical needs which would not place an undue burden on you and your husband, you could have him live with you. My father has dementia and can become combative, so that became the factor which necessitated that he not with my husband and me.
Good luck to you!

From what I've gleaned in reading numerous stories on this website is, keep them at home if:
1. they still have their marbles
2. are pleasant to be around (not demanding)
3. can agree to boundaries, and stay out of son/daughters personal business.
4. don't mind being left alone because they can entertain themselves.
5. don't mind the idea of a stranger looking after them when necessary.
Anyway, that's the short list I came up with.

All of the above is great advice. So, I am going to ask my typical questions of do you or your husband have both medical POA and durable POA for your father in law?

Since he has Parkinsons he knows whats going on I am sure Which makes it harder for you to put him in a home. My mom as Alzheimers so she would not care either way . But her nurse told me that if I had put her in a home she would not be here now. There is no way a person in a home can get the love they need . But in many causes family caretakers can not provide the health needs of there love one. You need to have a talk with your husband and your dad. Do what is best for you and your husband and hopefully you will figure out what is best for your dad. Ask his doc. and his nurse . They will give you the facts. Good luck.

Shelly
There is an old adage that "It is easier to ask for forgiveness than for permission" I think this applies to your situation. Since you both work and must incur the expense of having an RN stay with him most of the day, the only difference would be that in the Nursing Home he would have 24/7 coverage. If he had a seizure or emergency during the night you would still have to rush him to the hospital so his passing might not be a lot less serene than if it occurred at the Nursing Home. The only way "bringing him home to die" would make sense is if he were receiving palliative care in a Hospice Program. So do not beat yourselves up over this. Your husband feels that he is between a rock and a brick wall because he has built that wall for himself. He is the only one who can knock it down. Help him realize that sometimes doing the right thing often feels crappy at the time but doing the wrong thing can come back to haunt us for many years later.

Yes, people with any sort of dementia can be difficult to handle, at times. ...but we had my m-i-l in an assisted living facility--the nurses ended up calling my s-i-l, who is DPOA for my m-i-l, every week (1-4 times). My m-i-l cried and cried and said time and time again, she wasn't happy there. My son and I told my husband (her son). He discussed it with his sister, DPOA. I gave the okay to my husband for her to come live here and I could take care of her as long as I had all his sisters' help too. They agreed. Now, I don't see but 2 sisters and my husband and me helping to take care of her (m-i-l). Most of the time, lately, I wish I had just left her in the A-LF. ...but then, sometimes, I am glad we decided to get her out of there. She hasn't been in the hospital since Dec., 2008. Good for her, but she is suffering. She's somewhere between Stage 6 and Stage 7 of the Alzheimer's. Stage 7 is the last stage.

Shelly....It sounds like you and your husband are in a difficult place right now...If this were me, I would have the situation evaluated by a health care ombosdin who are familiar with both Parkinson's and Alzheimer's---to get some input on the best route to go. The medical issues, I would asume can be handled by the nursing staft at a facility of your choice-for which you in-laws may be best off, and possibly lend itself for little peace of mind to you and your husband....On the other hand, home care is great, however you may need round the clock help..It is difficult, for myself, to reply without fully knowing your in-laws medical needs---however I am just conveying my thoughts to you, I would tend to lean more towards a facility--for everyone's best concern. In addition to this, I would try to get as much support for you and your husband. Caregiving, as you may already know, can be emotionally draining-and inpact the health of you both, which I believe has previously mentioned.

Stay strong, and get some medical advice, and then make that important decision...and move on from there.

Good luck!

Hap

Dear Shelley123,
When it comes to caring for an invalid family member, it is always a very sensitive and stressful process, as the sick person usually does not know or understand the entire situation and being the person, who understands the whole situation, can put you in a spot.
Perhaps, just hold him in your arms and let him feel your love for him and whisper in his ear that you love him very much and this is what you have to do for him.
Even if he does not understand when you talk with him, actions, sometimes, speak louder than words.
I wish you all the best and God bless.

You say that you have a nurse come into your home for 10 hours a day while you and your husband are at work......and after work, does your father feed himself, bathe himself, go to the potty by himself and move around by himself? If theanswer is yes to three out of four, then I would say that he could live with you at home. The big question here is , to be blunt, do you WANT him to live with you? Keep in mind that the life span of an elderly person is limited. He'll be gone someday and will you have regrets if you put him in a nursing home? I certainly would have regrets.