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Long time lurker who needs to vent. Disabled late 70's mom could not manage her home especially with dad who was a disaster with dementia. He's FINALLY in a home. She moved out of state to a smaller home to save money and refused to get rid of ANYTHING. Took me 6 months to pack her house (I am NOT exaggerating) Now she is almost 3 hours away instead of 10 minutes. She moved to the middle of nowhere. Complains incessantly that no one will help her get her house set up or clean (almost a year later and the house is still full of packed boxes. AND she keeps buying more stuff) So drive up and work until I literally can't move. Cleaning, moving furniture, throwing junk away. I bring tools and do projects. She spends entire visit berating me, telling I am pushy and calling me a bitch. She says "Just sit and visit!" Tells me I stress her out when I visit (remember I get calls DAILY complaining that no one helps) I am up to my elbows in stuff. There are bugs flying around. There is stuff everywhere. The kitchen is filthy. Garbage is overflowing. Fridge full of old food. Previous person who lived there left his stuff in the house too! (And she started USING his stuff too instead of removing it.). I cleaned off one of his tables so she could get it to goodwill and out of the house. She said she wanted to keep it. There is so much furniture you can't even walk in the room. I said "I thought we were donating this." She said "Well I like it." I start getting mad because the walls are closing in. Keeping this furniture is ABSURD. She begins b******g me out telling me I am pushy. "How do other people react when you talk to them like this?!" (Imitates me talking with my hands) Tells me how mean I am and she is going to record me to prove it. Calls me a bitch under her breath repeatedly. Yells at me "THIS IS MY HOUSE." Yesterday she said "SHUT UP!" when I simply mentioned the contents of a box on the porch. Meanwhile I am hauling garbage, scrubbing toilets and sinks, washing dishes, setting up furniture and trying to hang a couple of pictures. She spends entire visit picking fights with me. She makes comments that the HOA is going to be mad at the cardboard outside from where I broke down boxes. I have to run her all over town where she insists on leisurely dining out. Then I have to pick up her medicines 30 minutes away (that she let run out) and make phone calls. I pay most of her bills including dad's nursing home. I manage her calendar with her doctors. I order her groceries (and she lets the food I order spoil). I pay for her pets' medical care. She is an ungrateful witch and treats me like garbage. My sibling lives there also but they barely help because all she does is yell at them and tell them they are a terrible person (they aren't terrible but they are lazy. They also have mental health concerns). Sibling has checked out.



I get ready to drive home and she starts telling me how she wants to come back with me to my house! I don't WANT her here. She is mean and abusive and ungrateful. I only go every few months because I am done with her and it's the same visit every time. When she dies I am going to inherit her giant house full of crap. I can't take it anymore.

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SoOverIt, welcome! I hope you feel better!

The thing is, since your mom is technically competent, she CAN live how she pleases.

So how about this.

Mom calls and complains.

You: I see. What is your plan to deal with that?

you don't offer to come. You don't swoop in and clean. You don't do anything.

Eventually, she becomes ill and is taken to the hospital. Hospital calls you and you tell them that she is living unsafely and to discharge her home is an unsafe discharge. And no, she cannot come to live with you.

Can you do that?
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SoOverIt Sep 5, 2022
Thank you so much Barb for your wise words and just reading my vent. Yes people always tell me to call APS etc but she IS competent and there is nothing I can do about it. I am doing my best to stop swooping. I have spread out the visits to 6 months and refuse to stay more than one night now. (although I get "stuck" not leaving until dinner) I was going over multiple times a week when she lived here. I know I am caught up in the FOG (Fear Obligation and Guilt) but it's so hard. I like your phone call script. I just try to say as little as possible on the calls (She talks "at" me anyway) but I will absolutely practice this. Every time I am there I say never again but this visit broke me. She will never live with me. Ever.
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"I have been no contact with her in the past. I am getting close to that again. "

How close? Let me give you a push... 🦾

Either that or you wait for her to kick 🦿you there.

I hope you will take option 1.
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If I invited you to my house, and I called you a b***h, I bet you would never come back.

You don’t have to set one little pinky toe back in that house.

You really don’t. 🤪
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SoOverIt Sep 5, 2022
You are absolutely correct. For some reason when it's my parent I throw everything logical out the window. I keep saying I am never going back. This time broke me.
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Thanks everyone for your comments, support and advice. I am a bit baffled though. This is not the title I wrote on my post...it has changed since I wrote it and I didn't change it. I very specifically wrote that I was venting in the title and now the title has changed and expresses that I am looking for advice. I sincerely appreciate people taking the time to comment and offer me constructive advice. I have read extensively for a long time but never posted. But I don't like that my words and thus the intention of my post were changed by the site. I can't edit my own post now and I can't delete it. I wish I could.

So a few things...

- I do know that this is abuse.
- I do know that I don't deserve it.
- I know I don't have to do anything for her.
- I have tried/suggested every logical solution to this house situation. I am dealing with a "helpless" "victim" who resists all logical advice and help (including hiring services even if I pay for them).
- APS is already aware of the situation
- She cannot go to AL. There is no money.
- I know she doesn't qualify for medicaid. She has worked with a social worker.
- I am a very logical person who approaches everything with "ok how do we solve this?" mentality. So any of my responses indicating something won't work aren't being contrary. I have no try left in me. (again I just needed to vent)
- I have grey rocked...the rock just cracked this past weekend.
- I recited the 3 C's on the way to her house.
- I know I am in the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt)
- The situation is more complicated than I detailed and just washing my hands of her is not an option. I am not comfortable sharing all the details of the complete situation.
- I do let calls go to voicemail.
- I have a filter on my email so I don't see her mails unless I specifically go to a specific folder.
- I have tried to create boundaries (the results are beyond unpleasant sometimes you have to weigh what the worse situation is going to be)
- I have had extensive therapy.
- I have read books and do extensive research on BPD and dealing with BPD parent

I wouldn't wish dealing with BPD mother on anyone.
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IneedPeace Sep 7, 2022
I completely understand your need to vent! My eyes are a bit teary right now feeling your pain. Borderlines are so very difficult. My daughter is a psych nurse (guess why she chose that line of work LOL). We talk about mental health a lot, and she said "I feel kind of sorry for the BPD patients- they really are the as***les of all the diagnoses - even the psychiatrists don't like treating them!"
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Please stay away from your mom! You should not allow her to be abusive towards you especially since you try to help her. You are wasting your time and effort. If she happens to call " tell her, you are no longer putting up with her being disrespectful towards you" or "tell her you're too busy" Your mom has mental problems which will only get worse. She needs to get a house cleaner or helper who can help around the house.
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Reply to Beeshepard
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Time to put on your walking shoes and hit the bricks. She is toxic and unappreciative, let her go, let the chips fall where they may.

Too much crap (figuratively and literally)to deal with.

She left you, you didn't leave her, she made her bed let her lie in it.
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Over it, I see that your head knows you don't have to do all these things and subject yourself to this abuse, but I don't think you've yet taken that to heart. Consider the three C's. You didn't cause her behavior, you cannot change her, and you can't cure her. If she hasn't been declared incompetent than her awful decisions are none of your business. They only become your business if you let them. You have got to try to emotionally let it go.

Regarding Medicaid you don't know what she does and doesn't qualify for until she applies. Again we are in the none of your business part of this mess, because the finances of another competent adult are something you have no right to. The bright side of this is you don't pay for anything for her, your finances are your private concern and ownership.

And regarding the someday inheritance of the hoarded house, forget it. Pay a junk company to clean and haul away or have the realtor sell it "as is". If you let her keep driving you crazy you'll be lucky to outlive her at all.
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Reply to Slartibartfast
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Name calling is not okay. Don't tolerate it ever again, under any circumstances. This is your mother who is supposed to love & respect you, not some stranger who's expecting you to do her cleaning, errands and bill paying while calling you foul names at the same time! CXMoody is right! If she invited you to her house and called you a witch with a B, I'll bet you $100 you'd never go back. So use that same math with 'mother.' And tell her why you're not going back, too. "Because I'm not tolerating your foul mouthed behavior towards me anymore mother."

When my mother (with dementia) used to get going flapping her jaw at me, I'd tell her, I'm not tolerating this abuse mom, and I'm leaving (or hanging up the phone) and I'll see you/speak to you at another time when you're in a nicer mood. Goodbye.

We're not doormats for ANYONE at any time. Don't subject yourself to this disgusting behavior anymore, you're worth so much more.

Best of luck making a commitment to yourself and keeping it.
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SoOverIt Sep 5, 2022
Thanks so much. Unfortunately with her just saying something like that is like pouring gasoline on a fire. I am not saying I am not going to do it but dealing with borderlines is an entirely different experience. Right now I am just ducking her calls (she is calling like nothing is even wrong like she always does) I wanted to leave when she did it (yes I should have packed my stuff up and gotten in the car) but I was trying to finish the task I went up there to do. Not because I WANTED to but because I get daily phone calls complaining about this particular item and I am sick of hearing about it. I know the daily phone calls will just shift to another topic but at least now I know this one particular thing is DONE.

I appreciate your thoughts and kind comments. I am working on it. I have been for many years (THOUSANDS of dollars in therapy! I swear!) It's just a roller coaster.

I'm sorry your mom talked to you that way. My dad with dementia is mean also. It's exhausting.
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You do know you don’t “have to” do any of this?! There’s zero chance I would, at all. I truly hope you’ll stop participating in this madness and accepting abuse. No one deserves that. I wish you healing, rest, and peace
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SoOverIt Sep 5, 2022
Yes I know. When I don't do this I get daily phone calls complaining about the house (I only go every six months or so now because I can't take it). I realize I will get daily phone calls complaining about SOMETHING no matter what. I have been no contact with her in the past. I am getting close to that again. Thank you so much for your kind thoughts.
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She moved 3 hours away. That would have been the end of me helping mom. Not to mention the hoarding and all the other nonsense.
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