My brother, despite everyone else telling him he will be sending my mother to her death, is planning on signing my mother out of the nursing home and sending her home with 4 hours a day of a Medicaid home health aide. Everyone has tried reasoning with him, but he will not listen. The nursing home says their hands are tied as he is signing that he will be responsible for her care. However, he is a compulsive liar and will definitely not doing any of what he is saying. I have repeatedly told him and anyone else that if she goes home, I will not provide ANY assistance. I know that will be tough when she is crying on the phone to me. I am at a loss as to what to do and know it will be difficult to maintain the hands off approach until this horrible experiment inevitably fails.
She sounds like my mother - constant complaints for 20 years. I guess that is a message to us - not to do that when we get there (if we can help it!)
Anyway, congratulations! I bet you sleep well now!
And I cannot imagine the stress of having my mother live with me.. the last time I took her out for the day, she smashed a banana all over my car, smeared it into the heating vents, kicked her feet all over the passenger's side door and yelled abuse at me over anything and everything. We both need her to be somewhere that I can walk away should she become too abusive.
My mom also told me that part of what swayed her decision is my aunt who called her begging her to stay. She says my aunt told her the home health aide would be punching her in the gut for 4 hours a day... I can't wait to hear what my aunt actually said to her as I am sure part of my mom's dementia crept into that statement. But I guess whatever works! :)
But still - in my head I amuse myself by imagining their phone call. Mom - "oh sonny, I just can't wait until we get home! After you change my Depends and give me a sponge bath, we'll go to the all-you-can-eat buffet- its "seniors night" and then we can swing by Walmart. Tomorrow we need to refill all my prescriptions so it's off to CVS. Saturday would be good for a drive and a movie. Sunday after we go to church together we can go for another drive and stop for desert. You should be making a list - I'll need extra Depends and all my medications. Remember - lights out by 7:30pm". Sonny - " (crickets) ".
I know that's not how it went but just imagining it that way makes me smile.
My own brother once suggested I should have let our mom move in with me - in my two bedroom house - with hubby and our adult, sevearly disabled adult son. Of course he was fully retired at the time, no kids at home and not one - but 2 four and five bedroom homes. Said he just couldn't expect his wife to take care of mom! Seriously?!! So, I like to get my passive-aggressive jollies by fantising torture for all evil brothers!
On a serious note - be sure to praise your mom profusely for making the best choice. I'm happy for you - even though we all don't really personally know each other here at AC, I always get ridiculously pleased when any of us get to put one in the win column!
To be honest, I was only giving it until your brother tried to get her into his car for the first time. That moment was a real eye-opener for my own brother.
Apparently my brother called her last night and told her that he would not actually be able to do any of the things he was promising he would do for her. I'm guessing it finally got through to him when I told him he would be brought up on charges of elder abuse and neglect if he signs that he will be there for her 24/7 and then find her home alone.
Whatever it was, it is a miracle. I pray this lasts.
Your brother could be in for a rude awaking, if your Mom thinks she is going back to her childhood home.
If mother thinks you caused her dementia and you put her away in the NH yahda yahda, then I don't think it would be productive for you to get involved in helping with her care. (Obviously she is paranoid and none of her accusations are true, but that is her reality right now. That could change.)
Ignoring your Moms calls will provoke a huge amount of guilt in you. And, you will forever be worried that she will pass because of the neglect.
Honestly, I would answer the call. I would respond to Mom with alarm! "Oh no!, brother was supposed to take care of this..on no...I am calling for APS to come and help you right now!" Then do it.
After you do this...APS will be watching. If Mom or brother have trouble from APS...they will take over her care.
Get serious about protecting Mom ... but not with you own hands!
Its very sad he is doing that, for her safety and well being, and for you because no doubt he will try to make you feel guilty if you don't help.
You will probably have to wait until she is home and something happens and you can show proof he is not caring for her. It is only a matter of time before she falls. Then you may be able to get legal custody working with a lawyer and her doctors.
I live in a neighborhood where there are many seniors, living alone, refusing to move, wanting to "die at home". They never do. Most of them end up falling (several times, several trips to ER, or breaking bones). Then they end up in AL or NH
I'm kinda going through the same situation with my dad leaving AL, moving back home etc etc...
I'm really interested in how this all plays out for you....
Good luck, and big courage, Bella
- Against medical advice ?
And ask the NH if they will petition for emergency guardianship. NOT you, the NH or the state.
We need to stop and think there is a victim here, your Mom. If I was in this situation I would go to an Elder Law Attorney and get some advice and follow it through. Get your Mom away from your brother because what he is doing to totally unfair to your Mom.
She cannot live under those conditions where she needs 24 hour care and is only getting 4 hours. That's like leaving a child home alone for 20 hours.
Two more things came to mind that you should prepare for ahead of time.
First - when the home health care people start to call you. Surely as things start to get bumpy - no Depends in the house, a medication wasn't refilled- they will start to call you because your mom told them to, they can't get your brother to return their calls or even your brother lying to them and saying "oh yes, my sister is going to do that". Be prepared ahead of time so you're not put on the spot. If your voice mail message allows room you might change it to "Hi, this is Star. I can't get to the phone. Please leave a message. If this is regarding Mrs Stars Mom please call Mr Stars Brother at area code 503-A$$-hol@. Okay - his real phone number.
The second thing - when it really begins to get hard for your brother he is going to call you. He won't admit his mistake but he will try to get you to help him. Tactics will range from lying, bullying and threats to lying, crying and being pathetic. Be ready for what you're going to tell him - standing your ground.
Who knows? Maybe brother will rise to the occasion and things will work out - but don't count on it. Leopards don't change their spots, tigers don't change their stripes and pompous a$$ siblings are never as smart as they think they are.
The only way your brother might come to face facts is for you to let this run its course to failure. If you think you'll weaken if your mom calls in tears - don't answer the phone. Give your mom her own ring tone if you mainly use a cell. That way you won't be extra tempted by actually having the phone in your hand. After all - it's a short trip from the hand to the ear!
If worse comes to worse you can always call 911 and send them to your moms house - if you suspect there may be an emergency that needs immediate action.
Would you consider an emergency guardianship? I think that only applies if she in incompetent. Who holds medical POA for her? That is often stated in the living will.
Absolutely stick to the "I can't help" resolve. If there is any evidence she is not getting the care she needs, get APS involved.