Brother suddenly wants to stay with me for a month or more to spend time with mom, but I don't want him to.

I like Way2tireds husband. But this is not an every year thing. Mom is not going to be here much longer. You may want to tell ur brother that Hospice does not do it all. They r not there 24/7. You still do a lot for Mom since she is bedridden. You have to change her spiled panties. Sometimes that means stripping the bed and her being put in fresh clothes with no help from Mom because she is dead weight. You can offer them a room and bath but from there they are on their own. You cannot be expected to cook and wait on them. You are tired most of the time. The responsibility of Mom is huge.

I should add to my previous answer ….that my sister in law did ask why I was not available anymore whenever they came to visit, and asked me if I was angry with her and/ or my brother . I told her No , that my husband told me that it’s an opportunity for me to take a break from my parents. My sister in law said “ your husband is a smart man .”
They don’t realize . They think that it’s a family reunion and you are going to be host . We are now having same issue with my husbands brother . He wants to come see my father in law and wants us to host. My husband told him to rent a car at the airport and go to assisted living to visit his Dad on his own . We don’t have the time to do the over an hour drive back and forth each way to the airport .
Just say you have been so busy you aren’t up for house guests or hosting.

When I was caring for my parents , my uninvolved siblings would come once or twice a year and expect me to host a family gathering at my house. My parents were still living in their home a mile away from me . I was taking them to a lot of doctors appts, bringing them meals , and working full time . DH told me , take a break , tell them you won’t be home , let them feed your parents . So we did go away for one weekend . When another sibling came we just hid in our house , I took a break and pretended we weren’t home .
The point is, they should not expect you to play host . Tell your brother he can go to a hotel, and you aren’t up for hosting guests right now.

I agree with cwillie. I would make it clear to brother that your mom will love seeing him, but that you would not be comfortable leaving her in the care of someone familiar with daily routines, nor with leaving her at this time.

I would tell him that your household doesn't at present have room for guests but that you can suggest some nearby lodgings for them to check availability of lodgings.

There is no need to be rude or unwelcoming. Just make it clear that this isn't a time for you to consider guests, and that it is wonderful that they are coming to see mom.

This sounds more like it's more about using you as cheap lodging than reconnecting with his mother and you, expect that a brief visit with her will be all he considers necessary to fulfill any sense of filial duty.

You can tell him I cannot host you at all or I will let you stay x amount of days. It is your call.

My older brother has been just awful to me. I plan never to see him after our parents pass away. You do not have to kiss and makeup. You have the right to forget about him.

It's all about choice.

This is what got me "ONE MONTH OR MORE". I liked what Lea said but I think there needs to be a definite time from the beginning. I don't like the "or more". Because of the cost and the length of the trip I may allow a month. Then see how the month goes. Mom may pass in that time. You may find one month is long enough. But he does not determine how long he stays you do. If you find when the month rolls around that you can take him a little longer than say OK another week. It really will depend on Mom.

And I would take advantage of brother being there. Go out maybe take a long weekend somewhere with DH. He has been a rock. When its all over, brother will be going back home.

Isn't this what you wanted? For your brother to take an active interest in his mother's welfare and to help you out with her care? Granted, its a day late and a dollar short......but he's seen the need to step up, finally.....and now you are wanting to turn him away. I understand your hesitancy and I understand his need to stay in your home close by to mom. Both are fair. If you compromise a bit, you may recover a long lost relationship with the brother you wrote off long ago. If he's never been a con man or a druggie in the past, why suspect him of such things now?? If possible, come together at this juncture for moms sake and in the name of her memory. I don't know if that's possible, but if so, go for it. You may wind up being thankful for the gift of the reconciliation at the end of the day.

If not and I'm totally off in left field somewhere, send B&W off to an Air B&B and who cares about what the relatives think?

Refer them to Airbnb where they can rent a place for a month. Tell them you'll welcome the help, and they'll have their own space to retire to after trying days of whelping with Mom.

It's not even reasonable to expect someone on a death watch to fly off on vacation. That's just nuts.

what did Ben Fredrickson or Ben Franken or whatever his name was (some founder of our country, cant remmeber his name) say

Fish and visitors are the same, they both smell after three days

And that is just normally, not in the stress you live in

I think a week is more than generous and if they badmouth you to other family members I would guess they would agree with you, that you went above and beyond

When I first started reading your story I thought you were going to say no visit at all, stay at a hotel, and I would have agreed with that

Just saw where you said he quit his job, , so my comment wasn't necessary

You have such a nice husband. I would ask him though, "are u going to tell my brother when he wears out his welcome, time to go" A may allow brother a month but no longer. I loved having my company but was so nice getting back into my regular routine. How long does a Visa last?

He can choose to come.
He can ASK to stay, not expect & never demand.

Your offer for one week stay is both reasonable & generous. (Over this becomes a burden to the host).

While suggesting you go holiday seems generous.. it is a little naive, impractical & even thoughtless. You can't plan in time, you may not WANT to go at this time & he will not have the experience or expertise to replace you.

Come? Sure. Stay ONE week. Then his choice is Motel, Hotel or Air BnB.

Make your communication CRYSTAL CLEAR. Tell him after one week, he must stay elsewhere. If he has not prearranged that, you will drive him, her & their bags to a local hotel. Have this hotel picked out & send him a link.

Rude? Maybe a little. But crystal clear.

I’m sorry that you don’t have a good relationship with your brother.

In a perfect world caregiving responsibilities would be shared equally among siblings. In reality though, everyone has their own individual circumstances and some people aren’t able to participate in caregiving.

It’s very hard to be a full time caregiver. I speak from experience. I was a full time caregiver for my mom. Very rarely do children share the caregiver responsibilities.

Sometimes healing is possible between siblings and other times there doesn’t seem to be a way to find a happy ending. You’re the only person who can determine what is right for you.

You made a generous offer to allow your brother to stay for a week and if he chooses to stay longer he can rent a B&B or a hotel. Don’t allow him to stay longer than you are comfortable with.

The least of my concerns would be what your brother says about you to other family members. They know that you have been the one by your mother’s side all of this time.

I doubt that you would want to take an extended vacation while your mom is on hospice.

I hope that your brother is sincere in wanting to be a part of your mom’s life.

How does she feel about your brother? I wouldn’t deny her the opportunity to see her son if she wishes to spend time with him.

If he has a troubled relationship with your mother and an extended visit would upset her, then you could ask him to leave. It’s your home.

You have been a wonderful advocate for her and I am sure that you want the best for her.

Wishing you peace as you continue on in your caregiving journey.

Thank you all! You've given me good tips ignoring what extended family says and I will work on letting the snide comments slide off my back.

Brother had issues with his job overseas, finally had enough & quit suddenly. He probably cannot afford a hotel for a month - he's a miser anyway and will not spend a penny out of his savings.

I was hoping to sever all ties with B & W after mom passes, but the last few months, he has been texting about mom and now this bombshell of staying with me.I'm totally aghast he'd even think such a crazy idea but my husband says he's family and I should not outright say NO.

I have told him he has to cook & clean up after themselves and he is not on vacation here at my house.

Why are your worried about what family thinks. Are they not mostly in India. My response to them would be "I don't understand why now he wants to see Mom when I begged him when she was in India to take over her care. Instead, I had to bring her to the US where she cannot get any benefits for 5 yrs. We pay for her insurance."

Since India is a long trip I may allow him 2 weeks, but after that if he wants to stay it will need to be in a Hotel. What does your husband say? I would also tell him that you will not be waiting on he and his wife.

I just had two weeks of family. One set came one week, the other the next week. They made themselves at home. Waited on themselves. Was nice.

How about a bed and breakfast? At least they’ll eat one meal per day there and you wouldn’t have to feed them. Personally, I wouldn’t let this brother stay in my house for even a night.

Your relationship with brother hasn’t been good and won’t get better just because mom is dying now. In fact, you probably won’t have any relationship with him after mom is gone. Which seems good, actually.

No matter what you do, some family member will find fault in order to suit their own purposes. This is what families do, unfortunately. So don’t let them dictate your life.

Good luck!

I will give you a slightly different view than ones before. I agree that your brother can find somewhere else to live. Although, if you have space, it might be a good opportunity to mend fences. My brother and I could not agree on care for my mother, all of which fell on my shoulders, until he came to stay and see what it entailed. I couldn't have handled him for a month, but the 3 days he was here, opened his eyes.

Secondly, my mother has been in hospice twice, once for a year, and each time, improved and no longer needed hospice. I say this as the first time I canceled all plans, long overdue vacations, visits to friends and family. Covid hit right after she improved so I had put my life on hold for almost 2 years. When she went back into hospice, I didn't put my life on hold and asked my brother to step in so I could step out. 

I can't speak for your situation but there may be some benefit in having your brother there for a while. If you need a break, it might be the right time to take one.

Finally, I wouldn't base on your actions on what you think others in the family will say about you. People, even family, will always say things, positive and negative, so don't make this your motivator.

Don't let them stay with you and don't go away. It would give them an opportunity to change paperwork and do who knows what else. Nope.

Listen to the wise words of Sp and Artist. But I guess OP, your problem is you're worried what others, like extended family, will think about you. This is your chance to try not to worry about what others think about you. A good exercise! You're in the right, and have nothing you need to defend. But most of us aren't good at not caring what others think. So if you're not able to do that, then you have two choices. (1) Be direct, honest with your brother why you don't want him there, or how long you don't mind he stays. (2) Don't be honest and come up with an excuse. "Harmless replies" as you said. I guess the internet (reddit) is filled with "ideas and excuses, what to say to an unwelcome guest".

Lets get real he just wanted free place to crash for a month or more. Kudos to you for standing your ground and telling him no.

Honestly I think even a week is too generous. No reason he can't stay in a hotel.

Besides what if he gets there and refuses to leave after a week? Might be better to not let him stay at all.

Why can't they stay at a hotel or something? That's what my aunt would do when she visited Grandma. She was at the hospital all day for a couple of weeks and could go to the hotel to sleep without being in anyone's way. Brother and Wife could take over some care duties while you do something else for a few hours during the days, but to want you to take a vacation with your mom on hospice and not eating is ridiculous. And have a social worker, aides, or someone else explain all that needs done with your mom because it seems they don't listen to you and have no idea of the challenge of caring for your mom. Don't rearrange your life for them!