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My mom fell last summer and needed 24/7 care. She has been from hospital to rehab, and now in a care home and is much stronger physically now, but has been very angry/frustrated with me on a daily basis the last few months because she wants to come home. She is also very demanding and difficult. If I had help, I fear her behavior would scare them, but at the same time, I wonder if her behavior would improve after being back home? I'm still trying to work, am an only child, no children, and separated from my spouse. I question the big decisions I've had to make and wonder if I'd regret not trying to bring her home. One of the biggest surprises I have is even though she is in a care home, how much time, energy, stress, and sadness I still feel--which is why I'm torn and not sure what to do. How do you know which path to take? Thank you

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MY mother went into a nursing home for rehab for just a week. She had fallen and has dementia. When it was time for her to come home, we had a meeting. I'm one of eight children. A couple of my siblings thought she should stay. They said she is only going to get worse. I am her health care proxy and power of attorney. I against my better judgement said I would try it. My mother hated it in there. Every day she packed up all her belongings to go home. She kept trying to get out the door of the nursing home. They moved her upstairs where the people were a little worse off than her. It was a nightmare. She cried to me all the time. How could I do this to her. My heart was broken. I brought her home after 10 weeks against the wishes of my siblings. She is happy at home. She needs 24/7 care. Most of my siblings help. We take turns staying overnight. I stay with her every weekend with my husband. We have help Monday thru Thursday during the day while we work. Sometimes my mother tells them to go home. It's not easy. I spend 60 hours a week there. I would rather sit at her house than sit in the nursing home. IF you are by yourself, I don't know if you could do it. You may have that same stress and sadness if she's home. Not an easy decision. My mother has been home for 2 1/2 years now. I don't regret bringing her home but I have no time to myself. I look forward to going to work on Mondays. God Bless you in your decision. There is no easy answer.
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Lots of great answers here, which is what I like about this site! I'm currently going in the other direction. After my Mom's broken hip, and rehab in various facilities, my Mom moved back home. Medicare paid for several nurses and therapy people to come to her home for a month or so, and I hired a homecare person to help with housecleaning, bathing, and other tasks. As the months went by, it became clear to my Mom that it really wasn't working. The responsibility of continuing to maintain a house and yard, the limitations of living on one floor in a two-story home, the degree she depended on me for support, loneliness, trying to eat nutritious meals, just trying to remember to do various things -- all became apparent to her. I'd held my tongue on assisted-living, not wanting to push it on her (whenever I push anything, she pushes back!), and pretty much let her arrive at the decision on her own (certainly, I've brought up the topic a few times in conversation). She decided this about a month ago, and there's been no change of heart, although certainly there are anxieties about moving to a new place after all these years at home. Our move-in date is in about 10 days. I'm hoping that she'll really enjoy it there, simply having people around to socialize with when she wants, knowing she's not a burden on her children, and simply living an easier way of life free from many of the usual responsibilities and tasks. My Mom is 91, has some dementia, but still can think pretty clearly much of the time. She also made plans years ago, saving for years to support her elder needs, and paying into a long-term care insurance for the past 20 years. I'm lucky in that respect. The past several months have been difficult for me and my family. I'm not young anymore myself! Trying to keep a parent afloat in their own home seems noble and what the parent "wants", but it's just not sustainable for a child who has to shoulder the task alone. (Note: lots of good comments on this site about "how to convince parent to go into assisted living." Well worth the time to read,)
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Daisymay1, I'm adding to my recent reply that I took Dad home after weeks of him hating it in the AL . He liked the place and people, but wanted to be in his own home and neighborhood where friends could easily stop by and visit. It was the more difficult decision for me because I live 1500 miles away. Though Dad was mentally sane (though demanding and cross at times), at 90 he could hardly walk(he used a walker), and needed someone to cook, do errands etc. He did ok at night once in bed (had a portable toilet near the bed and could get in and out on his own). I got him financial assistance through VA to pay for 8 hours during the day, but he couldn't afford anyone for the evening. This went on for 2 and a half years: Home Instead and friends and the (very occasional cousin) visiting/checking in, but no one at night. I visited 4 - 6 times a year. We talked on the phone every single night. Really difficult and I felt sad, guilt, stress but also love, compassion, and acceptance for my Dad and ultimately for me in the end. With it all on my/your shoulders, it's really challenging . But you will get through this. Just remember, though you love and care for your parent, you must also love and care for your own life which is AS important as theirs. Don't sacrifice your financial or social future because you too, have a life to live .
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My mother, age 83, has dementia and was hospitalized for almost 2 weeks and then moved to a nice (high-priced) assisted living residence we had selected. She made friends and was doing well, taking her medications and very compliant. Every day she asked to go home. After spending a month there, we decided to let her return home with my dad, and she agreed to take all medications. It was also just a matter of months before their life savings would be depleted. For two weeks, she was wonderful; then the dementia got the better of her and she ceased all meds. It has been two months since her return home and we are back to square one. She is delusional, angry, belligerent, and projects most of this onto my 85 year old dad. We regret bringing her home and are looking for the next opportunity to present itself to send her back.
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Daisymay1, I'm an only child too, and experienced similar things with my Dad. I heartily empathize with your situation. I came to accept that no matter what I did, I would feel guilt and stress. It is not an easy situation, especially for single children like you and me because we have no siblings to share the emotional burden. You must find ways to center yourself during this time, and to care for yourself. Then you are able to make the best decisions possible, given the circumstances. Your mother will be demanding, probably no matter what. She is scared and (if I am presuming correctly), elderly? and at the latter stages of her life. My Dad did the same thing for months until he finally began to accept that he did not have the control over his circumstance and faculties that he once did when he was younger. Educate yourself on all the resources available to you for your Mom's care. If you decide to take her home, and she has the resources, then hire an agency like Home Instead or similar to come in a few hours a day to help out. They are professionally trained to handle "difficult" folks. Or, if she needs to be in AL, check out several places...and then make a decision. Just do your best. It will never be perfect and you might never feel totally good about it all. But, if you are doing it out of love, then all will work out eventually for the best in the end. Help will come to you in the most unexpected ways.
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Very good answers. Sometimes it helps to think of them as your children and not your parents. Remember all of the times you did what was best for your kids- not what they wanted- as they were too young to make wise choices. Parents with dementia cannot make rational decisions and will not develop this as they get older.
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The real point is to let them stay at the NH or AL. Why bring them home where they'll age even further and are then less likely to take care of themselves?
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She needs an evaluation by avgeriatric psychiatrist to address her agitation. Start there.
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Daisymay, You are separated from your spouse? Did you have hopes of getting back? That may not happen if you bring your Mom home. Sorry this is such a hard time for you.
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No matter how much she 'wants to go home', sometimes at the beginning of end of life, the patient has to accept her former life is over. No friends are going to stop by, there will be no bingo nights at the church, no one is going to take her out to eat, to shop, to the movies. Friends and relatives move 'down south', die, retire, have their OWN stuff to deal with, and so everything is heaped on one poor remaining daughter. Who gives up her life to basically run a puppet show, with mom as the headliner puppet. Yes, I'm sure she wants to 'go home' and it is extremely sad, but you have to do what is best for mom AND for you. After all, with all the grumbling, what is mom going to do, give you the silent treatment? Cut you out of her will? Her former life at home is done. If she has money and can afford lots of help, that's one thing, though it doesn't sound like it. ..... Realize she is going to go downhill quickly, will never 'recover' to any extent, will get much worse, and then you'll have to look for a nursing home.
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