Burial question; how do I go about letting Mom's friends know when the time has come but honor her wishes not to have her sisters notified?

Are you sure that's a law? And if so, what's the timing? Can it be delayed until at least after the service?

We just had a death in the family and we choose to print an obituary. But before that we were phoning people who needed to know. There was one person who has fragile health that I was going to let know in person. We wanted to make sure there was someone with him when he was told. Unfortunately someone outside the family called to let him know before we could in person. Nowadays Obits are published online too, so they are not limited to the local paper.

My round about way of saying that you may not be able to prevent your Aunts from hearing the news. You need to put a plan in place to deal with them should they show up. You cannot bar them from a public cemetery, but you do not have to allow them in your home.

A dear friend had her vulture of a mil go to her house after the service for her husband. She said she needed to rest and would miss the Tea. Yeah right, that woman packed up every gift she had ever given her son and his wife. She took art work off walls, books, framed photos. She took all his clothes from the dresser, no she had not given them, but as his mother she felt she was entitled to everything that had been his.

My friend felt so incredibly violated when she returned home. Her mil was still there but all the things had been shipped already. In 3 hours her mil had stripped her home oh any sign of her late husband.

All you can do is notify the people she wants to know. If her sisters find out through the grapevine, that is out of your control and you shouldn’t stress about it. It’s not your fault.

There is no law in your state that requires an obituary to be published in the newspaper.

A death notice may have to be filed but those aren’t filed with the newspaper.

You cant prevent her sisters from finding out she died.

Article regarding obit laws...
https://articles.extension.org/pages/44966/is-there-a-legal-requirement-to-print-an-obituary-in-the-newspaper
Check your state.
Your mother only wants you and your brother at the funeral... then do just that... have a quiet graveside service with the two of you... go to a restaurant afterwards and remember her with laughter and stories and order food she would have eaten!
Don't tell anyone until after the funeral. If her friends feel hurt after you inform them tell them that was your mothers wishes. They will understand, then they may want a memorial service.
When your aunts find out... the service is done and you will only need to deal with her sisters.
My God bless you with his wisdom in dealing with this issue!
hgn

If you have to put an obit in the paper ask that it be done after the service. I have seen obits months after the death. I don't know why it would be a law when you have a death certificate that you can produce when needed. I would call those who matter. Telling them when to be at graveside service. Then have a nice lunch somewhere with everyone. I would be upset if a good friend died and I wasn't able to be there.

If your Aunts find out, don't be available. Nothing of your Moms belongs to them or should they feel it does.

It sounds as though your mother's wishes didn't include having her friends at the funeral. The best option may be to make it you and your brother, as she asked. Let her friends know by telephone, and say that there will be a public memorial service in a few weeks' time, to comply with her wishes. Get the legalities of the estate finished or well under way, before you make any public announcement. Then if difficult relations descend on you, it is already all over. You will have had the time you need to work through your own grief and the work that needs to be done, without having it made into a nightmare by people who did not care for her or for you. Best wishes, Margaret

You are not required to publish an obituary; that information comes from the family, not from the state agency who issues death certificates; just don't do it. Get a list of the people she wants notified and call them.

I agree that you can put the obituary in the paper after the funeral service.  Just include basic information and request all memorials to be sent to the mortuary.  Call your Mother's friends that she wants to have notified and tell them that there will be no public viewing or funeral services, just a private service for you and your brother.  I am sure your Mother's friends will understand.

I am assuming that your Mother lives in Pennsylvania.  Most states require, by law, that the executor (of the deceased person's estate) advertise the estate (in the "Wanted Ads") to “request all persons having claims against the estate of the decedent to make known the same to [the executor] or his attorney, and all persons indebted to the decedent to make payment to [the executor] without delay.” (20 Pa. C.S.A. § 3162.)(Pennsylvania Law)

Advertisement must be made immediately after the estate is opened in a newspaper of general circulation “at or near the place where the decedent resided” and also in the legal periodical designated by the court for publication of such notices. The ad must run once a week for three successive weeks, and must contain the language described in the previous paragraph, along with the name and address of the executor.

The Register of Wills in the county where the estate was opened can help you determine which publications to use. Call the appropriate newspaper and legal periodical for assistance in placing an ad with the required language.

Advertising the estate serves at least two important purposes. First, it allows any potential creditors or claimants one year to makes claims known to the executor. After a year, claims against the estate will usually not be honored, and the executor may distribute the assets of the estate without fear of claims from unknown sources.

Second, advertisement starts the clock ticking on the allowable time for closing the estate. By law, an executor may file an account of the estate administration with the court “after four months from the first complete advertisement” of the estate.

In some cases, there is no probate estate filed with the Register of Wills because all assets of the decedent pass to beneficiaries by means of a revocable trust. The trustee of such a trust may also advertise in the same manner and thereby foreclose claims made more than a year after advertisement. (20 Pa. C.S.A. § 7755.)  (Pennsylvania Law)

I am the executor of my Mother's Estate and some of the insurance companies that I contacted in regards to her insurance policies checked the Obituaries to verify her death instead of requiring that I send them a certified Death Certificate.

Unfortunately, no matter what you do, I would not be surprised if your Mother's Sisters find out about her death either from a newspaper or from some well-meaning friend offering condolences to the Sisters in Florida.  Develop a plan of action as to how to handle the situation in case your Aunts show up uninvited in Pennsylvania.  And as some of the other people have mentioned, if your Mother's Sisters show up, don't stress out about their presence, it is not your fault.  {{{Hugs}}}

You don't have to specifically notify the sisters. Likely they'll hear about it from other people. By specifically not notifying (calling or writing or emailing), you'll have fulfilled your mother's wishes.

As for the funeral service: if your mother doesn't want her sisters at the funeral, notify the funeral home your mother did not want them at the funeral. You can provide names and photos (if you have any). The funeral home will have workers there anyway and they will run interference for you and turn them away.

My sister worked for a funeral home for 12 years, now newly retired, and turning away unwanted people was pretty common. In fact, when our mother passed in April my sisters had my brother and wife turned away.

If you only have a graveside service that you put together yourself (you don't have to have a funeral home do this), you can notify only those you want in attendance of the burial. Tell the invitees not to notify anyone else unless they check with you first.

If the sisters happen to turn up at your home, close the door on them. Don't let them in the house.

Not notifying the sisters formally is really easy. Don't notify them.

If this is about them not turning up at your mother's funeral, you publish the obituary after the event. If friends think it strange they will just have to cope.

If this is about preventing your aunts from ever taking an interest - sorry, but tough. The fact of a person's passing is a matter of public record. You can't keep it secret from anyone who is determined to find it out.

I didn't do a newspaper thing. There was nothing in my probate information saying this had to be done. My Mom had no money only a house that is not selling and now has leans on it. What I had to do was notify by mail her beneficiaries and interested parties of the Will being probated. Siblings are not entitled to each others estates so I wouldn't notify them. If no Will, you as daughter are closest living relative and brother.

When Mom went on Medicaid, I made sure all outstanding bills were paid.

Please, don't go against Moms wishes. You have been down this road before. Let your Moms passing be peaceful. A graveside service can be nice. U can have a minister say a few words. Children and close friends. If there is anything to probate, it will take a few days to start that. Do what has to be done, wrap it up. Then if u feel Aunts should be notified, then send them a nice note saying Mom passed on _______. At her request, we had a small graveside service with her children attending. Her estate has been distributed as per her wishes.
I would put no return address or include any contact information and I would screen any calls. That should be ur last contact with them.

Have Mom put her wishes in a letter. Especially if there are things she wants to pass on to certain people. I would have a witness to this maybe even notarize. Then the sisters cannot say a thing.

Funeral homes here post their services on their website so to check local obits I no longer look in the paper I have them all bookmarked, I've also found a few out of town obits by googling their name - you need to ask the funeral home if they post online and about remaining anonymous.

Simply honor her wishes and don't tell her sisters. Tell those that she asked you to tell. End of story. Who cares if the sisters find out? Ignore them. It is NOT the law that an obit printed in the paper. Check your state for these requirement. In my state it is not. I just made arrangements for my mother who's in a nursing home and asked about public notifications. The FH said they give none, and added they are NOT required to publish them. The funeral home only has to notify the Social Security Administration. I plan to honor my mother's wishes, and say nothing publicly unless it is required. You should treat your mother's wishes with respect and only do what's legally required and what she wants -- no family dramas!

Tell directly the people who you know we’re important to her. If you feel inclined to write an obit to reach others that may have known her, do it. Doesn’t sound like the sisters would even care if the did come upon such information. They have essentially been dead to each other for decades.

Does she own her home? Some banks have the ability to do a simple land trust making it so that upon her death the home automatically becomes yours and your brother's, this avoids probate for the home. She can also add the two of you to her bank accounts as beneficiaries (POD) at 50% each also avoiding probate. Same thing with 401K investments. This way big things out of the way that sisters won't be able to "fight" over. Does mom have a safe deposit box? If so I hope either one or both of her children are on it as a signer. If not, the executor of the estate with all paperwork in hand will be able to access it once to remove her will and nothing else. This will be done under the supervision of a bank employee, then the bank will be required to inventory the rest of the contents for probate courts. DO NOT let sisters into the residence if they show up, ask them politely leave. If they insist, again politely ask they leave and state that if they do not you will be calling the police, that they (the sisters) are trespassing on your property. If they're any good you'll get tears and stories about how much they miss her. Best answer, Sorry for your loss, but she was my mom, thanks for stopping by, now you need to leave. Shut door lock behind you. Good luck to you. Family leaches, gotta love em.

I agree with many of the responses here; I would follow her wishes. I’d start now and get her final wishes in writing and notarized so any legal battles you have with them in the future has been documented for your protection.

Because your mother wants to protect you, getting her wishes notarized won’t be an issue; even if it was s backup of her voice recording her final wishes.

check the state about what needs to be legally stated, if there is an obit, you’d have to let the chips fall where they may; that’s out of your control if or when they hear about it.

inform her friends by phone or by some sort of private event to let them know a dear friend has passed; if they know her well, they’ll understand her wishes.

but be proactive and get things ready- lawyer up if need be for legal issues and their advice- when you’re grieving, the last thing anyone wants is intrusive and angry relatives using toyr grief to their advantage.

It it sounds like you’re already on the right track so I hope all goes well for you and your brother. I can’t see the point of your aunts baring their fangs over what she has, but it’s best to be protected ahead of time

It might be a kindness to your mom's friends to let them know she requested no services. Encourage them to visit her before she goes! If you can, maybe there is one person in each friend group who could tell the others for you.

It is not the law in my state that an obituary be published. You might want to double check that for your state. Don't worry about your aunts. It is doubtful they have any rights to any of your mother's possessions.

Your mom’s wishes are important. However neither she nor you can control the behavior of the sisters. I would pray for God’s help. Then do what needs to be done for a normal burial (obituary) and see what happens. It may not be anything like you imagined. Ask God to deal with the sisters who apparently have some greed issues.

I would seek the advice of a trusted lawyer. Is your mother deceased or still living?

I'm just wondering if maybe there is some confusion about the publication requirement. In CA, publication of a "Notice of Petition to Administer Estate" is required as part of probate and it's intended to notify potential creditors of the death. It's done in the legal advertisement section with the Fictitious Business Statements and other paid publications that are required by statutes. It is not done as part of the obituary and obituaries are not required here in this state. The publication is also not required if there is no probate, for example, if there is a trust or if the estate is so small that formal probate isn't required.

I guess what I'm getting to is that maybe you can do some research, or talk to a lawyer, about this requirement and what it entails. What information is required to be published and what are the time frames for publishing? Does it have to be done within a certain number of days after death, etc? It may be that the publication is required as part of the probate process and not meant to be the obituary. Maybe the obituary can simple state that a private family service will be held at a future date that has yet to be determined.

If you must publish to comply with a law, you can't really get around that and it very well may tip off the sisters. Being in FL, it will likely take a few days to arrange for a flight or transportation to get there. Talking to a lawyer is certainly a good idea to ensure that everything you do is on the up and up and reduce the ability for the sisters to challenge you as much as possible. However, it won't stop them from trying. If they see some sort of benefit from challenging the will, they will do it. It's important that your mother's will is clear in its intent and done properly by a lawyer to ensure her wishes are honored as much as possible. Plan for the worst, hope for the best. That's the most you can do. You are a blessing to your mother to protect her wishes.

oh my. I have been there and had that same problem with my ex- four sisters. parents didn't want them any where near them dead or alive was dads words. I
also was left everything from their estate which my sisters refuse to sign off on. The judge has signed an order to appear for all four of them. I called my parents dearest friends and gave them the information after both their passings. They were aware of my parents wishes, and told no one. I also informed the funeral home they were not welcome at the wake. The wake was called a private wake and no one could enter the room without my consent.
I have no love lost for them and now consider my self an only child who was there for my parents final time on this earth.
My husband and I do not regret any time of our lives we used to take care of both parents. We would do it again.....
We miss them both so much.

Derbygirl:

Personally, I would notify them. If your mother truly left everything to you, and it was done properly by an attorney, there is nothing they can do.

It is unusual for a parent to leave all the inheritance to a grandchild.

An inheritance is not about who needs the money, it is about treating all their legal children fairly, in death.

In some countries like France and Spain, a Parent can not leave any legal adult children out of a will.

Your Aunts may be more hurt than angry.

Also, sometimes people say things they do not mean and then later regret it. Is your mother mentally fit, does she have dementia or Alzheimers?

Both dementia and Alzheimers can make people mean, nasty and spiteful towards the end.

As they lay dying, though, at the last moments, many times they feel regret, according to hospice nurses I have talked to, but they may not be able to tell anyone before it's to late. The hospice nurse is he only one who hears her last words.

IMO, be the bigger person and notify them of her pending death and eventual death, personally. It will then be up to them to decide whether or not to visit her before she dies or attend the funeral.

Heather, if I were dying and my children decided, contrary to my explicit instructions, to let my siblings know so that they could come and see me before I passed: I tell you, I would *haunt* them. And not in a good way.

This lady has told her daughter not to notify her estranged siblings of her death. What part of that is difficult to comply with? The death itself they will eventually discover through other means, but the notification itself is a courtesy she expressly does not want extended to these women.

You may be all in favour of reconciliation and noblesse, but how dare you assume that everybody must feel the same?

I notified people that were really more acquaintances than family or friends by using the annual Christmas card. I typed up information and used as an insert into the cards.

Whether you honor her wishes about telling her sisters is really up to you - how do we know if our loved ones change their minds when they move onto the next phase after death?

Can you live with yourself if you don't tell the sisters? That is really what you need to think about. You have to be able to live with yourself.

I would probably tell them, but that is just me.

Suggesting you talk to an attorney about any legal death-notice requirements in your state and follow legally mandated steps.  Attorney could also check the will/trust to see if any problems likely to come up. I don't see you need to do this until after her death so sisters will not be bothering her at her death. If your ducks are in a row you can ignore them.  They will do what they want to do, but you cannot control that.  You have done what you could do to honor your mother's wishes. And that is all you can do.
If it should reach the point that they are harassing you, then a protective order may be necessary. For that, consult an attorney.

How does she turn the faucet off? Are her hands wet or does she use a clean towel or tissue to turn it off. Her hands were dirty when she turned it on, weren't they?

Why is there even a question? Your mother has expressed her wishes. Abide by them.

Call her friends and tell them it is invitation only. I did that for the burial of my husband. That will get passed around by the friends. Then tell the funeral director not to tell anyone what time or where it will be. They will do what you want. That worked for me.
Most of the things I thought would be a problem weren’t at the time at all.
my best to you.