Can anyone advise me on the best way to care for my elderly parent (93) at home? I am alone, no children or partner support. Father wants me and no other caregivers.

get things in order legally first, tell him you cant do it alone you must get help with out his permission, touch matters response was good.

Your father is right. Plz bd there for him like he was for u. Just make sure u have caregivers who really care about the elderly when they come to the house. Make sure u listen to him bc u never know what ppl r saying if doing to him. Make sure u give yourself a day if to for pampering or mini vacation. Get cameras I. Ur house. U will be fine always ask God to guide , protect u and ur father

I am sorry to read of your situation. Many of us have been in a similar situation. Believe it or not, the best outcome will be from being brutally honest as soon as possible.

My mother stayed in her home until she passed at 96. She would have said she was living "independently." What she meant was that she wasn't paying anyone to do anything to help her. In fact, there were 4 of us daughters helping her as our time and situation allowed. One was at her home every day for a few hours and took care of her mail, straightened up a bit, helped her with her hair, bought her groceries. One went to her house 3 or 4 times each week to do cleaning, take her to doctor's appointments, and miscellaneous tasks. I took her out two times a week for a drive or lunch and picked up her prescriptions and other errands. The 4th, who lived too far away to be there on a weekly basis, took care of her finances and talked to her every day by phone.

By the time she died we were all exhausted. We each have sworn many times that we will never do this to our own children. We all have wished that we had more strongly urged her to move into assisted living.

Compared to the experience of some, we had it easy. Mom was pretty reasonable in most of her demands, if stubborn on others. She maintained a pretty good attitude and often said thank you. (Not nearly always.) Three of the four of us had supporting spouses who helped us. Nevertheless, it was nearly unbearable at times. I simply cannot imagine even trying to do this alone. It may be possible, but only at the cost of your sanity and health. Do yourself a huge favor and think about what you really can and want to do. Be a bit pessimistic about how much and how often and what kinds of things you might be able to do.

Then tell him. That needs to be a one way discussion. Do not compromise. Bear in mind that his situation is guaranteed to get worse, not better. What he wants is a wish, like I would really like the body and energy that I had at 50. My wish doesn't make it happen. His wish can't make you capable of fulfilling his wish. Do what you can but do not allow yourself to be guilt-tripped into more than what you are really can do and still feel kindly toward your father. Otherwise you will end up feeling resentful and full of regrets. Good luck. This will be difficult, but I promise that once the initial disappointments and frustrations are over it will get easier.

He can ask but not demand. That would make you a slave not a son or daughter. I would not ask the open ended question, what do you want? I would figure out what the options are and give him choices based on what he can afford and what I was willing to do. So many people comment in this forum that their parents did everything for them as a child so they owe them care now. Well, they didn’t just ask what their children wanted and do exactly that, did they?

I think children should love their parents and help them as much as they can. But 24/7 care for an elder by one person just does not seem sustainable to me, especially if the caregiver is retirement age or working.

For both your father and your own well being try to consider options for other home health care assistance; have his PCP assess him for appropriate level of care needs. Then, begin some level of this perhaps 2-3 x / week for say about 4 hours each time( just a sample idea). Stay in the home a bit at first. Explain to your father that for his safety and your peace of mind, you want to know that should you become ill or unable to care for him, there will be others familiar with
him and his needs. Since you identify no other relatives, contacting an elder care attorney for guidance on future planning would be a good consideration for you both.
Who will make decisions for your father and you needs your attention for both of your well brings.
If your father is a veteran, the VA Services may be able to greatly assist you.

Of course he " only wants you"; but realistically, it is best practice and responsible to have other help and care arrangements in place. Even to go so far as potentially looking into some form of placement/ retirement living arrangements that would meet both your needs and, allow you to have some independent life as well as assurance that he will be cared for in the event that you could not.

I am 52 years old and recently had to begin caring for my father-in-law after my fiancé died at age 62. It was sudden and unexpected. But I am doing it alone, and it IS possible. It is overwhelming, yes. It is almost unbearable at times, but I love him and I really don't want an outsider coming to our home as much as he doesn't want any outsiders, but if it ever gets to the point where I can't care for him alone any longer, I will definitely be asking for outside help.

I go to school four days a week, for 4 hours a day and that doesn't include the 45-minute commute time (22 minutes each way.) I also run my own business from home. So it is very challenging to find the time to tend to his needs. He sundowns a few days a week and shadows me constantly.

If he sees me relaxing on the couch, he leaves me alone, but the minute he sees me on the computer trying to accomplish a task, he interrupts me every 15 minutes and it's exasperating. But I cope with it, somehow.

He will not accept that he has dementia and doesn't even know he has it. I have tried telling him, but he just says, "no, I'm just getting old."

He thinks his wife died many years ago when it was just six months ago. He asks the same question over and over again and recently, he started calling me his "wife." He's very confused. It's sad and it is challenging, but I'm dealing with it. But I have lots of outside support from a counselor and group I attend for grief recovery. Maybe you can get some outside support from a therapist or counselor and there are also groups that help caregivers by offering emotional support. If you can't find one, maybe start one?

These are my thoughts, challenges and solutions for my life, I hope you can find some for yours.

Best,
Heather

What a person may want is often very different than what they need.
Your father NEEDS care. He only WANTS you to be the one doing it.
He has to be made to understand that it doesn't work that way. Caregiving can only be successful if it's done on the caregiver's terms. Since you are unwilling to become a care slave to your father's needs and demands (and rightly so) there will have to be hired caregiving help coming in.
Go ahead and make the arrangements for as much homecare as you can get and afford. If your father will not work with hired help, he gets placed.
I think he'll work with hired help.

His wishes are not the best option for him or you. Explain kindly that you need extra helpers since:
you get tired and need rest,
you might get sick or injured and need others who already know his care,
he needs the benefits of rotation of "friendly faces,"
he can develop friendships with others who have similar interests with him...

You need to have enough help (family, friends, members of faith community, paid help) so that you can meet your daily needs (hygiene, sleep, food...) and time off weekly to meet your social needs (friends, family, hobbies/interests...). Social needs are as real as the need for sleep - it keeps you from experiencing burn out.

Heartwrenching: Unfortunately your 93 year old father must truly believe that you're 'SUPERWOMAN' and capable of multiple monumental tasks without breaking a sweat. Of course, you aren't and his ideology is skewed. You simply cannot meet his request and should tell him so.

Well it's not always what he or anybody else's wants.
I am 64 and my entire life I have always put other people's welfare first.
I am alone now and regretting all those years I gave to others.
I have never realised my own dreams, so I would advise you insist on outside help in order to manage.
Dont take no for an answer...think of yourself now...you will end up resenting him.
People are very selfish and if they can find a soft hearted person to rescue them, they will sometimes take advantage of that.
Be tough.

Sadly the elderly do not have a concept of the drain it is on a caretaker who is their child and older themself. When your dad was a parent he was young and had strength and energy. He had a spouse to tag team the work. This is so different . Although he wants familiar and family to care for him, he needs to k ow his medical and care needs are suited for professionals and you can be a support and be there to visit but you are not a nurse.

Tell dad that YOU need some help. Then use his funds to pay for some folks to come in and help around the house. As he warms up to the person(s) who come in, he will probably allow them to do a little more for him with your encouragement. Dad asks you for lunch and you delegate the task to hired help.

Call his doctor and ask for in home therapy. Physical therapy works on the legs and occupational therapy works on upper body. They are usually separate providers so that would get new people coming into the home to work with him. Medicare covers it for limited times, so ask for one of them to start first and when time limit up, ask for the next type of therapy to start. It is quite good to have other people interacting with him and works on his strength as well

What he wants and what is needed are two different things.

A grown adult does not have to do everything that a parent "wants".

Might be time to set some boundaries, clearly explain to him that you need others to help you or he will have to go to AL where there is a trained staff to accommodate him.

Obviously, he has been getting his way for years might be time to reset the relationship.

Don't give up your life for him, in the grand scheme of life he will be gone before you, then what for you, lost years that cannot be replaced. There is no replay when it comes to your life.

i agree with the others & “how” he wants you to take care of him. Taking care of him means managing his care. You are 1 person, you cannot solely do the job. Sure, you can. But who will take care of you? Then who will take care of him? To take care of him is to also take care of you. I would look into hiring people to care for him & care for him throughout as well.

Good Afternoon,

I agree with Burnt Caregiver. The longer things go on you have to bring in outside help. Oftentimes, the "solo" sibling, the others really shouldn't have a say if they are not in the trenches.

Let's face it, look around, the CNA's in NH are so underpaid it's ridiculous. There are signs on every street corner where I live for RN's, LPN's, CNA's anything to do with medical. Everyone wants to remain in their home.

My Lord who could do this kind of work for a "stranger" for $10+ change per hour. The CNA's provide backbreaking work. All of the facilities are short-staffed and overworked.

In yesterday's USA Today newspaper there was an article that disturbed me about how NH are run many without even an RN on duty. Everyone is burnt out from the Pandemic. Nurses are retiring in droves.

Unfortunately today, child-rearing and caring for parents is unfashionable. The Latino's and Asian's, at least the one's who I know care for their loved one's at home. But it is a "group" effort.

You have to have a schedule, a routine. Almost like military precision. Someone has to be in charge and make "sound" decisions. Oftentimes in life, there's not a lot of people who step forward. People don't want the inconvenience or interruption of what they need to do unless, of course, they are the one's who take sick. Pretty much in every family, the same one's show up and do all the work without a lot of fanfare. The one's who make a lot of noise and give advice usually they don't do a heck of a lot.

Whoever is providing the caregiving you have to set boundaries. You don't want to go down with the ship. Oftentimes the person with dementia they become like little kids, "are we going out today", "no, there's laundry to do, bills to pay, it's raining buckets out and I'm just plain tired". Response but we need more relish. (I kid you not--thank the good Lord I haven't lost my sense of humor).
With dementia, little concerns can appear like big thinks to them.

I may have mentioned this before but I have to share a story--a few years ago my neighbor, a caregiver to her dad was brought out on a stretcher because she was having chest pains. As the firemen, EMT's were wheeling her into the ambulance her elderly 95 year old father said, "what about my 2 o'clock barbershop appointment today?" We all laughed our head off, including the firemen.

I'll probably will be the same way when I'm older, "I have to have my roots done"!

I hope I gave you all a good laugh!

I really am feeling smothered by guilt of wanting to have some space and scheduled time outs.