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My mom is 63 years old and she has a pretty severe case of early onset Alzheimer’s. She is so young and fairly strong, and she still gets around but her mind is totally gone. She’s still living at home and we care for her. She’s not eligible for Medicare for another year, so we are doing the best we can at home without any assistance from hospice or anyone. But she never showers or changes her clothes. We can’t convince her to, and she refuses/fights us if we try to help her. Her hair is down to her waist and her nails are long, and we haven’t been able to groom her.


The holidays are coming up and we want to have a family gathering, but she is so filthy. I really need help with this, I’m so scratched up and bruised from trying. Are there any places where we could drop her off for a few hours, while CNA’s bathe her, and someone cuts her hair and fingernails, and puts her into clean clothes? She would definitely need to be medicated to calm her down for this, because she is so young and strong, she would become aggressive without it. We just want her clean for the holidays. And if someone offers this, we would be willing to pay for these services on a regular basis.


There is a nursing home in town that offers those services for residents, but I didn’t know if we could pay them directly to help her, since she is a non-resident. And I didn’t know if they could medicate her. Before I call them and ask if they can help, I just wanted to know if this was a realistic request and if there are places that can give her medicine and do this. Like I said, she’s not eligible for Medicare and we can’t afford hospice to come in and help us on a regular basis until she is.

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First of all is their a doctor involved that could prescribe needed medication. There are visiting nurse services
I don't think that would take care of the hair. For that I think you need to take her someplace simple. Can you calmly discuss this and possibly bribe her with something she might like if she complies? For all of that I think there should be available medication to help her get through these procedures. I do my mother's nails weekly and it is a chore because there is all this dried blood in them from her picking at her skin. Hope you find some help.
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I think you need to give up on the dream of including her in your family gathering, it sounds like she isn't likely to enjoy it and neither is anyone else with her there. If she needs a sitter so you can attend then everyone can pitch in to pay for one, but realistically you have left it kind of late.

What you need is regular medication prescribed by her doctor to make her less combative at home, and then some bath aids to help get the job done. Is her doctor aware of what is going on? Some adult day cares in my area do offer baths but that's for regulars and they would have to be compliant, nobody is going to dope a client at the door and accomplish what you want.... medications need to be prescribed and anyway are not going to work that fast.
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There are home health services that provide home health aides for bathing and that’s all the aide does. Ours went from client to client giving showers and baths. It was a big help.
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Oh my! I was in your position a few years back. I agree with cwillie that maybe you consider having your family gathering without mom. It's a tough decision but one both you and mom can be at peace with. You can bring her a plate afterwards or the next day. Just something to consider so you don't feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I wish you the best at Thanksgiving time.
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In my community there is an independent/AL that allows community members to rent their accessible bathing space a couple times a month. but as far as I know the family does the bathing.

Dad, who lives in a major city, has a care aid who comes once a week to bathe him. but Dad is not suffering from dementia.

A fear of water/bathing seems to be a common issue with dementia patients. Some use dry shampoo, wipes and other supplies to bathe their family member.

Definitely talk to her doctor about a sedative.
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Get her primary involved for some much needed medication and some CNAs to come from Home Health to bathe her. You need regular help but with some meds to calm her she may be easier to deal with.

Call some local salons because some do go to homes to do hair for elderly clients with dementia.

Ask the primary about a visiting podiatrist to care for her feet. I know in nursing homes this is available.

Sounds like now including her in a holiday would be a nightmare.

The best of luck, I hope you find some help soon.
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