DH of 34 years has some form of dementia (tests pending). His children are well off and have never lived near us. We were both widowed when we met.
We need plans with options for the future. I see us as a couple but think the kids see me as a good caregiver. They are strong-minded (lawyers) and think Dad’s well being comes first and their inheritance next in line.
What frightens me? That my husband will continue to gift them stock and when we need private pay long term care for either or both, the money will not be available.
Mostly, I'm not viewed as his Real Wife and if DH dies, I’ll never hear from them. I have no children.
Any suggestions?
I would suggest that you meet with an Estate Planner, there are many options and things to consider...like the IRS.
You need to protect yourself. You need to get POA assigned to you by husband. He needs to stop "gifting" his kids. If you ever need Medicaid you will be penalized. You need to talk to a lawyer.
You are not going to change how they feel about you.
Op may have signed a prenup, so this may not be relevant.
Sadly, when his money ran out - they ran out on him. At least you are looked upon as a caregiver. As the 2nd wife after #1 passed away, I felt like I was treated like a concubine at best and a whore at the worst - and we were married 32 years and together 33 years.
No, I'm not bitter - I have no children and I will not claim DH's children as mine since they never accepted me as Dad's wife, even after 32 years of marriage.
You can do what I did - when our income was halved, I told DH there was no more money left to assist his grown children. All 3 have college educations and I helped to pay for the youngest child's education. No monies were ever repaid. At first he struck out at me verbally and then he was appalled at what he accused me of and he apologized. After that, we sent no money to his children.
Thankfully I had invested 75% of my income so when I had to stay home with him at the ripe age of 45 (he was then 75, he was 30 years older than me) at least I had planned for our present and my own future. He passed last year, almost 97 and thankfully I believe I have enough money to support myself for the rest of my life now.
My DH was a veteran of WWII and he received his medications from the VA; since we had good medical coverage on him (I couldn't afford it for myself) - most of his needs were taken care of. HomeHealthCare helped us too.
Since I was never accepted as step-mom, they are not even step-children to me. They barely exist to me.
Establish a Special Needs Trust so that if something happens to you he will be taken care of.
You need to protect yourself as well.
Is there a possibility that Medicare is in the future? (it does not sound like it but for anyone else...) If so the "gifting" needs to stop.
But again you need to protect yourself financially as well and a Elder Care Attorney will help with that as well.
You may be on a long road and you need support.
I am sure you and the kids have the same goal...his welfare, his safety
I suspect that while Op and the kids do care about DHs welfare and safety, the kids do not care if DH goes first and there is no money for OP. However, if this is his money, not certain how that impact's OPs medicare spend down. she needs to consult an eldercare attorney
I know at least 3 women who are second wives and the husband's kids have either tahen everything or in court trying to.
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Don't expect him to do it.
I have in laws from the greedy grinch and we carefully arranged our estate to avoid them clearing our home out before we were cold.
They are all going to be surprised when they discover that we have bestowed everything to a charity that helps the homeless population and helps them get back on their feet. We think it serves a purpose and giving it to greedy money grubbing relatives is not beneficial for anyone.
I wish I could be a fly on the wall to see their faces.
Is he mentally cognitive or should you be consulting an attorney to take his ability to transfer the stock away?
Has he protected you and your future? If not, I would honestly talk to a divorce lawyer and get yourself protected. He can't give everything away and let you become destitute when he passes. 34 years is a long time and you deserve to have a secure future.