Are my elderly parents jealous?

I took care of my elderly dad for eight years, and before that, spent lots of time with both my parents visiting with and helping them before my mother's death. Were they jealous? I think this perspective needs a little re-framing. Rather, I would say that when they got older, less mobile, and developed more health problems, they saw in us all the opportunities and memories that they could no longer live out. They saw us walk and drive freely wherever we needed to go; we had jobs where people were depending on us professionally; we saw friends on weekends; we were involved in lots of school and community activities with our young children. Aging is a process where life can begin to feel isolating, like you're only a spectator, not a player. My mother longed to be able to cook in her own kitchen, but she couldn't stand long enough, and her breathing was labored. So remember -- the things we take for granted may not always be status quo. This of course leads some elderly to become frustrated, angry, and envy those who look and do what they cannot. We all need a greater degree to empathy, understanding and patience with our parents as they age.

That is how I have felt for so many years that mom does not want to see me happy,I cannot understand why she or any parent would feel like this towards their child. I have had few peo-ple tell me she is jealous I just cannot see that and if so Jealous of what and why I feel that is stupid and I for the lifeof me could never understand why my Mom say I got dressed up or have something on new she has many time s looked at me from head to toe up and down and I would say to her what you are thinking cannot be good with those motions,that to me wasn hurtful and ignorant do not understand. just like had caregiver tonight ad when she left mom thanked her which im glad but on the other hand I cant understand how when it comes to my husband or self forget it she would never thank no matter what I feel that's hurtful earlier she tells me and my husband we are pests.until she wants something which is often cuz she is bedbound,do not undersatnd

Anonymous, jealousy? H*ll yes. My mother has been a mean, spiteful, manipulative narcissist life long and couldn't bear a) anyone other than her getting attention and, b) anyone who didn't run the minute she snapped her fingers. Of course daughters of narcissistic mothers/parents grow up taking the personal hell they dish out, trained to do so from birth and thinking it's normal. I only found this forum and the forum http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/ in the last year and reading so much, at 64, I see how it has been all my life due to this evil woman.

My father, who passed 15 years ago, was a wonderful gentle, sweet man and everyone loved him. He came from a large loving family but all my life he was cold and distant with me, his only child I now know it was in fear of my mother's wrath and he had to live with the witch. He was of the old school, would have been 90 now, and of the generation that you made your bed etc. These days she'd be kicked to the curb pretty darn quick.

I came to Canada alone in 75 with a job, 2 suitcases, $100 and a roof over my head for a week. I worked hard, often two jobs to become established. In 1985 my mother forced my father to leave family behind and come to Canada as well ... God forbid she would lose control! In 87 I bought my first house, a tiny war time built cottage needing work. The day I moved in, after paying the movers, I sat amid the boxes with my beloved dogs and we shared Chinese food - I had $60 to my name. Oh yes, mother came to see the house and it was "Ewwwww, what a dump!" but it was mine, my dump, my first home. Now in a NH, unable to sit up or stand, she keeps on about coming to my present home, a wee dilapidated cottage on 2 acres in the country which I'm working on as time and money allow. I can't lift her in my truck and the NH staff aren't allowed to do so. The house also has a few steps, so it's impossible. In any event I'd never allow her in the house as all I'd get would be "Ewwwww, what a dump, you need to do this and that". No thanks.

I sold my first house in 97 and moved to the big city and a well paid career, buying a highrise condo overlooking a lake. When my father passed and their big fancy house was sold she came to live with me for nine months of hell. She brought along her 3 dogs. One attacked my cat such that he pooped himself in terror. Her reaction was "oh, he's only playing". I and the cat lived in my bedroom for 9 months while she had the run of the place and paid not a dime until she bought a lovely little house back where she came from. A couple of years later she sold that house and bought a huge 3 bed, 3 bath, 3 living room, double garage which she could barely afford to keep. I asked her at the time if it wasn't too big for her and her then dog. Her response? "Well, why shouldn't have the very best!" Gotta keep up with the Joneses dontcha know :(

I eventually sold my city home and quit my career to care for her (purely out of duty) and ended up in the basement of that freezing cold barn for 4 years - she refused to use heat or AC much. She'd lived in "the barn" for 12 years by then. Next door lived a lovely lady, a school teacher who'd taken early retirement, gone on a cruise and had her basement finished. A few months after she learned she had breast cancer.

Though she'd never ever spoken to her, my mother referred to Margaret as "Old fancy pants". I got so sick of it, I asked her why. "Well, she's never offered to help me". Well, over a period of 12 years she's seen you going out dressed to the nines in your car shopping and walking your dog - do you look like you need help? The answer was "Never mind, I'm old".

Having heard about Margaret's cancer from neighbours, one day, out walking my dog, I popped a note in her mailbox asking if I could help. She called me and wondered if I could occasionally drive her to cancer treatments - she had friends and relatives who were on call for this as well. I said sure and the first time I took her I used my mother's car, with her permission, as my then van was a bit dog hairy.

The next day I got blasted about "How dare she use my car!". After that I used the dog hairy van which didn't bother Margaret at all. Then I got "How dare she keep calling you to drive her". You see, it was just insane jealousy that someone else was getting attention. Margaret passed away and I went to her funeral service, taking along an elderly neighbour. My mother refused to go "Just tell them I'm not feeling well".

When I was a kid she drummed into me that childbirth was the most horrible, disgusting and painful thing ever so I decided I was never doing that. When I was 6 she knocked me around, cracked my head open and put me in a hospital - I still have the scars. Any boyfriend I ever had was quickly run off because "he's just after MY money".

Rather than bore you all to tears, which I've probably done already (and I could tell you stuff that would make your hair curl), I have to say that you can never reason with or expect anything more than pain and suffering 24/7/365 from a narcissist and you have to abandon them and their toxicity before they suck the life out of you to the extent you end up in an early grave.

reading all of these comments has cemented my thoughts on how to deal with my irresponsible, childish, jealous parents.

this is a test

Thanks. I'd say Mom falls somewhere between 1 and 2. "Get in her face" obviously came from a moment of frustration. She did say later, "Is this causing a problem?" And I said, "Nah." But I am adjusting, and as you know that's singularly difficult when parents are in decline. We try to stay on the same page with humor. Her sitter also helps keep things structured and accomplished but mostly loving. Mom is her "sweetie" and I think that's grand. I'm not emotional in the same way, just somewhat demonstrative. I tend to focus more on the doing and the duty. We've had our talks about life and death. Day by day things change. Some are diamonds; some are stone.

oakgroveinn, generally the people we care for fall into one of three categories: 1) they are mentally sound and have some physical impairments, like copd or chf, etc. 2) they have dementia or 3) they have a mental illness such as borderline personality or bi-polar disorder, etc.

Without knowing what category your mother is in and what the nature or your relationship was like before you began caregiving, it is really hard to know whether you should "get in her face about it." But if she is mentally sound and can safely stay alone for a while, why aren't you out with your friend? You can't control her jealousy (if that's what this is) but you can control your own behavior. Go out already!

Give us more information. Maybe someone will have more specific advice.

I'm not seeking my Mom's approval for gold stars at work. I'm trying to get away now and then and live. She is super attached. Not that I'm doing much here right now but writing on this thread. When I could be out with a friend. But she wanted me to stay with her. Purely out of jealousy. She is self-sufficient. I'm gone RARELY. Question is: should I get in her face about it?

47kwest, you are so right! We aren't issued manuals for how to raise our parents or how to deal with a spouse with dementia or how to escape from a narcissistic relative. We're all pretty much on a learn-as-we go basis. It helps to learn from each other!

You cannot change your mother's behavior. If she were motivated to change and had some therapy or support to change it is possible that she could -- but you cannot change her. And you aren't going to abandon her. But shutting down is going to be very costly to you and to your marriage. With your mother's health perhaps she will die relatively young, but she could go on another ten or twenty years or more. Can you really stay shut down for a decade or a quarter of a century?

You cannot control your mother's behavior, but you can control your own. Let's see if anyone can offer some other possible options besides shutting down or abandoning her. Give us more details.

Does she live in her own home, or with you? How much time do you spend with her per day or per week?

What are her impairments? What kinds of things does she need help with? What things can she do for herself? What are some examples of her manipulative or abusive behavior?

You aren't alone, and there are other options for you to consider. Tell us more and let others offer suggestions.

Again thank you Jeannegibbs. I just don't know how to stop it.

That's it, I cannot change her behavior, I cannot abandon her, all I can do sometimes is shut down. And pray that I can come out the other end. I guess i always said to my mom that I would not lie to her or hide things. I make myself vulnerable. I have to accept that. I was a teacher of children, you'd think I could figure this out. But it's my mom. No one ever gives you a manual on how to raise your parents. Right? Now just babbling.

posted previous before saw your response jeannegibbs. That was fast. Thank you

I am sorry. I am new to this post and thought it was for seeking help. Not telling you my problems. But maybe it helps to know, you are not alone.

47kwest, Is your mother's behavior normal? Perhaps it is for her. Is it healthy? Certainly not!

Are you the bad daughter if you don't buy into and permit this unhealthy behavior? Certainly not!

It does not sound like all your sacrifice and frustration are making her life better. They are making your life worse. They are making your husband's life worse.

So why keep doing what isn't working and is only increasing the general unhappiness in the world?

I am sorry for your mother's health problems from an early age. But putting up with her manipulation and abuse isn't changing that a bit, is it?

If it ain't working, stop!

My mom is bitter. She has experienced health challanges at such a young age as to make anyone cry. All I ever want to do is to help my mom. I've spent my life doing it. But for some reason, she wants to take all that bitterness and throw it at me. I am in a happy marriage, she is divorced three times. I as of now have no cancer, she did. Every man who has in her mind, abandonded her,( I never did, still will not), she will only listen to men. She recently lost(on her own) the ability to drive, she's manipulative, and truly a person who needs help. no one else will but me. How much should put my husband through as well as my weekly breakdown in frustration. It is not normal to want your child to ever feel the way she makes me feel. I try to say okay, but it hurts, I am so concerned for her but she gets mad at my concern, then plays upon it. Please is this normal? she has been tested for brain diseases, there are none. She's not even 70 and acts like she's 90. I don't want to be the bad daughter, but she's acting like she can take care of herself, but mad when I am frustrated after she has fallen again. I am not my brother or my fathers. I am her daughter.. And it's like she hates me the most

Also I just love when my father always says that I am elderly and I have the right to say and do whatever I want. That is so wrong. I am so sick of him using that excuse.

All my life both of my parents have never complimented me on any thing that I had accomplished in my life. They are both critical and gets very upset whenever I have plans. Father always make snarky comments if I go out to dinner with friends or buy something. My father is 82 yrs old and my mother is 74 yrs old. Her health has been in decline for the past five years with heart, diabetes, and osteoporosis. My mom's attitude has gotten on my nerves, she has become clinically depressed because she can no longer be mobile. They both expect me to drop everything. I have suffered since this recession because I have no job. They both believe to giving praise to not proper. They also say that we both never got praise for anything so why should I be emotionally supportive? I remembered eight years ago at my college graduation, my mother said that she didn't bother look for me when I walked across the stage. I was so mad at her. She she said well your father was making a fuss because he needed candy. They always thought that having high school, and college commencements were not anything special. This was my second bachelors degree. They didn't even bother to remember my first let alone my high school commencement. Now that my parents are not in good health, I do finally realize that their behavior towards me has nothing to be with me, it has a lot to do how they were brought up. My father grew up very poor in WWII Italy and in the rough outback in Australia which will hardened a person. My dad's mother was neglectful and had her relative to raise her children. They were very poor. My mother was mentally abused by her parents and was treated shabbily by her older brothers even though she is from a better background than my father's.. My family always says that I will never amount too anything because I am always broke no money but you know what I have my health and my wits end. Knock on wood.

I, too, have experience with my parents saying envious things, like they resented what I had, or where I went, or how we lived. And I would agree that parents who were controlling and narcissistic at times when we were kids, show those traits in an even rawer sense when they're elderly. And their illnesses and dementia exacerbate their behaviour. Just brush it off in good humor, and if they persist with their remarks, ask them point-blank if they're envious of you. That usually throws cold water on it.

My first cousin on my Mothers side, both her parents have died. My Dad expects me to always take care of him, the only thing he cooks for himself is breakfast. The letter he wrote her was so disgusting. He is 87 years old. I guess I just close my eyes and ears. He is anti social to anyone or anything else, won't get involved in senior center here in our town. I am at my wits end.

nmckenzi, in general I'd say it is heathy and constructive for elders to develop outside interests that make them less dependent on their children. If he doesn't need to have dinner with you so often, great! Perhaps change to once a week.

That the "other interest" is a woman 45 years his junior is a bit concerning. She is your cousin -- on your mother's side? No blood relation to your father? How does she feel about his attentions? Is she able to golf with him while at the same time setting boundaries to their friendship?

What should you do about this? If Cousin is handling it well, probably nothing. But don't keep keep his dinner warm.

I'm not sure how this post got tagged onto an old thread about jealousy. It might get more attention/responses if you start a new thread with a different title.

My Mother died nearly 7 years ago. To this date I have my Father for lunch every day in my office and every other night for dinner. He has a "fettish" for my cousin who is 45 yrs younger and lives next door. We all live on a family farm. Now he is not commenting on will he or won't he be to dinner for fear he shall get a better offer from her. He loves to golf, but only with her and he worries about her health, heck, I even read a love letter he sent her. This was very upsetting to everyone concerned. I have loved my Dad my entire life, but now I feel like he is a "dirty old man". Sorry for that. What do I do about this situation? Today I told him to commit to dinner tonight or not and he couldn't say yes or no, so I told him to stay home then. He is being very rude, I work all day and have to race home to get dinner on the table by 6pm. Thankyou for your comments.

1913:

I've commented on this already, but let me say something else:

Jealousy isn't something that lessens with age. What I don't understand is why you're still seeking her approval to enhance your self-esteem after all these years. Rewind the tape of your existence to your childhood and you'll probably notice that nothing you did right was ever good enough for her. Then again she might find it difficult to pay compliments because no one ever complimented her much. I'm not trying to make excuses for her, as there are also people who tear others down so they can feel better about themselves. That kind of abuse should never be an option.

If every time you see her all she's going to do is make you feel like s__t with her silence, disapproving eyeball rolling, and holier-than-thou attitude then why do you let her in? As I said in my previous comment, respect is a two-way street; no matter who, no matter where, or their social status.

-- ED

Isn't family great!! I think you just move on with your life and take the toxic family members in small doses.

Don't let your mother control how you feel about yourself. This is definitely her problem not yours. My mother won't even speak to me any more because I would not take her crap. It hurts but sometimes I think it might be a blessing.

Obviously your mother is very selfish. The only reason I know this is because of my experience.

Going back to the question - why she would not utter a simple thank you. Was she like this when you were growing up? Maybe she never did provide you praise or thanks. Something to certainly think about. And, if you are doing these things for praise or thanks you may stop and ask why? Your relationship with your mom did not start over night so it's years of developing. Stop and decide if this is truly how you want to be with her? Maybe have a heart to heart talk with her vs. doing "things"...it's hard but use this as an opportunity so you don't build up resentment.

Can a parent be jealous, you betcha! My mom has been abusive and mean to me my entire life and a lot of it is jealousy. No, mom does not have dementia or Alz, she's just mean. What kind of mom is jealous of their own kid????
Every mistake or misstep I ever made, she was right there to put in her digs. If I got something new, it was ignored or she had one better. The out-of-town relatives came only to visit her she said. My family and I were not invited to visit with them while they were at her house. If daughter and I went on a mini vacation, we were harlots abandoning our husbands. On and on and on . . . what did I do to deserve this?
I understand getting older and ill is traumatic for some elders. but what about the ones who deal with this as a natural part of life? aging with grace and honor? Do we have to put up with this garbage just because someone gets older? I don't buy it. I cringed every time I heard mom say "but I'm old and won't be a round much longer and I DESERVE to be this way". No you don't.
Bravo to Ed, wonderful post. That's the way to handle a mom who won't see it like it really is...you have to point it out to them and give them a sytrofoam cup!!!! :-)
Jealousy is hideous! It clouds your thinking, makes you do things you shouldn't,it's hurtful and it's tragic that it comes from a parent.

I just discovered my 80 year old Dad is jealous. We have never lived close to him and only visited 2 or 3 times a year. Now we live near some of his friends and they are so much fun we have lunch sometimes because my Dad is at his summer home. My Dad now acts annoyed that we have a relationship with his friends, which is so strange to me.

He was diagnosed with alzheimers 5 years ago and is on aricept. He drinks starting around 1 pm every day and sleeps alot. I guess I am in shock because it is like my Dad is gone. He has plenty of money and does not want for anything.

It is really weird. I have gotten to the point that I don't want to tell him when I have seen his friends.

1913,
Your issue has been one I've been trying to deal with for years now. I still can't wrap my head around the ungratefulness and verbal abuse I receive. But, I have learned that whatever small praise I ever do get, to hold it tight and think about it for a while. It's hard for us sometimes to understand what our parents are going through mentally. The embarrassment of care(depending on the level of care), isolation, sense of loss of everything around you, mentally and physically, I could go on.

You need to take care of yourself first! If having your mother in the home is destructive to you and your family, then no one blames you for not having her there. I'm glad that you made this decision for yourself and for your family, so many of us tend to place our parents needs ahead of ours. Even when it's not the right choice. In this instance, maybe it is better for her. She will be around people her age, have activities. Don't let her resentment about going to the facility deter you. You know what's best for yourself and her even if she doesn't.

Yes, this is abuse. That's why I wondered if this was new behavior. But what you describe is not new and is definitely abuse. How sad and awful for you.

I suppose the rest of the family is wonderful because they aren't there to be targets. Whatever the reason, it seems like this is far more serious that the original question sounded and I'm not sure just "detaching with love" is enough for you.

You may actually need to get a court appointed guardian for her who can take over, with you doing only what you can do without harming yourself. There are toxic parent/child relationships, and aging doesn't give anyone a license to abuse. I'm sure you've considered therapy for yourself, to help you heal. If you haven't, that may help. But I strongly believe you need third party help. Your statement "I am more than tired of it" says a great deal. Of course you are!

Maybe your county can help you set up some care plan for her, but this should not be your responsibility alone.

You are not at all alone in this, but that doesn't solve your problem. Please do try to get help so you know she is cared for but she is not destroying your health.

Carol

Let me keep it on the I:

I never had, nor ever expect, any kind of compliment from my 76 y/o mother. Nitpicking seems to be genetically encoded in her, so finding fault with things she never got to have but always wanted comes natural. She's always had her rightful place in my heart, but if she's going to come into my home and make me feel less than with her petty antics her stay is going to be a brief one. That kind of stress is never an option, and she won't hang around long enough to finish her coffee. If she insists, I'll pour it in a Styrofoam cup and walk her to the door.

Many years ago, I'd let her go on and on because she's my mother and I thought she was entitled to correct the "errors of my ways" because a mother's job is supposedly never done. Hogwash. You can stick a fork in her now, because she IS well done. The moment I utter "Don't hate" immediately after "constructive" criticism designed to deconstruct me and make her feel needed, she realizes she's crossing the line.

When you love yourself, you respect yourself; and other people see it and feel it. Very gently remind your mother that respect is also a two-way street.

I know it's easier said than done because this is your mom and you are her daughter, but your friends are right. You'll have to learn to not expect compliments from her (did she ever compliment you or is this new?).

My guess is that she is feeling her losses that come with age, she resents getting older and depending on you and she is taking it out on you. It's very hard, I know, but understanding her a little may help.

You may want to read this article if you haven't:
https://www.agingcare.com/137122

What your mother is doing isn't abuse, but it makes you feel bad. Know that you aren't alone and please keep coming back for support.
Carol