My 87-year-old mom is moving in with me. My father passed away in April and my brother moved her in. He can't do it anymore, he lasted four months and began wanting to make other arrangements. After my dad passed my brother decided we can't leave her to even go for a walk. My dad used to run errands and go for walks and leave her. I will say she has declined since he passed. Although she doesn't try to go anywhere. She has dementia but does recognize us and communicates. She doesn't try and do anything like cook. I think the biggest issue is she might fall. I just don't think I will last with her here long if I can't take my dog for a walk and am in the house 24/7 outside of work. I have hired someone to come in while I'm at work but don't know if they can come other times. What if I need to run to the grocery store, or can I go to a nearby restaurant for dinner?
If you cannot care for your mother now, then you and brother cannot keep leaving her on one another's doorstep endlessly.
First step for you is contact with her MD, her yearly medical exam, and referral to neuro-psyc for evaluation. If she is no longer competent she cannot make you her POA, so too late for that.
I think basically what you will come down to here now is needing the help of Adult Protective Services in your area. Why not call APS today and ask them what you must do to have your mother placed. They will give you pointers and guidance. Being a guardian is a HUGE JOB and it is a LEGAL job that you cannot, once you accept it, get out of. IF you don't feel fully capable of knowing this job and doing it, don't ask for it, as you cannot get out of it once you have it. Allow the state to take guardianship.
Wishing you the best of luck. It is tough when stuff wasn't taken care of in the beginning. The two of you have more or less made your homes her home and she needs 24/7 care. You truly need guidance and help from professionals.
As a new member, if you plan to stay on Forum at all, I hope you will fill in your profile about yourself and about your mom. It will help us answer your questions better.
I want to add there have been many advances in technology since my caregiving days that can allow you to monitor your home from afar, everything from alerts the door has been opened to cameras to stuff I've never heard about yet.
Look into placing her in an Adult Day Program. If you can do that 2 or even better 3 days a week that would keep her safe, give you a break and let you do what you need to do for the "me time" you want.
When you have caregivers or she is in Day Care that is when you go to the store or go to a nearby restaurant.
And if you are working away from the home, someone will need to be with her then, if you are WFH then someone should be with her since you will be working and should not be bothered.
Knowing she will decline , perhaps thinking about how that would be handled would help you decide if Mom should move in or make other living arrangements now . Does Mom have money to expand in home caregiver hours , when needed ? ?
If Mom has money, place her in Memory Care. If not, then Long-term care with Medicaid and her SS offseting the cost of her care. Do not leave her alone.
And NO someone with dementia should never be left alone.
You must now be realistic about this undoable(for you)situation and start looking into the right memory care facility for your mom, where she will looked after 24/7 and safe, and you can just be her daughter and advocate, instead of her overwhelmed caregiver with no life. Your mom if in her right mind would never want you to give up your life to care for her.
And if money is an issue you can apply for Medicaid for her.
I wish you well in finding the right facility for her.
Please note with each move a person who has dementia will go downhill quicker because their surroundings are no longer familiar. Everything is different, even her bedroom, nothing scarier than waking up during the night is a room that is different. Then to be moved again, your Mom will experience this all over again.
As AlveDeer had written, "If her confusion is severe she's no more capable of being left alone than a 5 year old is." With my own Dad, he started to wander at night and tried to go outside. I knew then, Dad needed more help then I or his caregiver could give him.
Please let us know what you and your brother decide, and if you have any questions, feel free to ask :)
Only a person who is present with eyes on her 24/7 will keep her safe, and even then not so much. You shouldn’t leave her alone.
You, your brother, and your mom’s doctor will have a better sense of how advanced her dementia is and whether she can be left alone for 5 minutes, an hour, or whatever, and under what circumstances.
My dad had frontotemporal dementia which is quite different from Alzheimer’s, at least in the early and middle stages. Early on, for a period of about two years, before and just after diagnosis, his behavior could be quite erratic and crazy and he did things that were dangerous to himself and others, plus his sleep and wake schedule were totally unpredictable. He might get up and start his day at midnight. He climbed onto the roof in the middle of the night, dug giant holes all over the yard, disconnected the water pipes to the house, made massive purchases without telling my mom, etc. got himself in trouble with the police for stalking someone in town.
Later, through some combination of the disease process and the meds he took to make his behavior more manageable, he slept a lot and otherwise just vegetated in front of the TV. If my mom put a movie on for him during that stage, it was guaranteed he would sit immobile to the end. So she would leave him on his own and would run out to the grocery store or do whatever brief errand. After he went to bed (at 7 pm) he was almost impossible to rouse and same thing — she went out to dinner every once in a long while and he never had a clue. Nothing bad ever happened. if she had asked his dr at that time they probably would have told her not to leave him alone — but they have to do CYA themselves of course.
Then later still, he had pretty much lost the ability to walk but couldn’t understand that and couldn’t or wouldn’t use the walker. So he was getting out of bed or out of the chair and falling constantly and hurting himself. He was also crawling around smearing food and excrement around the house so he had to be watched like a hawk. At that point, he was also leaving the freezer open, the faucet running full blast, and the front door to the house wide open and going around naked.
So I would caution you that dementia changes and worsens over time. Obviously, I hope none of this plays out for you and your mom.
Personally, I would not take an elderly parent into my home to live, and that goes double for one with dementia. But it’s your life, your mom, your decision. I hope it goes smoothly for you. If she lives with you, YOU will have to decide this question and a whole lot of other questions as her dementia progresses. You are putting yourself in that position if/when you take her in. It’s a LOT.
I agree with the poster who suggested adult day care. Good aides are hard to find and hard to keep.
Good luck and best wishes!
* I would not let anyone with dementia be alone and potentially leaving the home / going outside. They can get lost and/or be vulnerable targets for anyone wanting to take advantage of her (take her purse, harm her). The possibilities of her getting hurt somehow are too high in my view.
* Hire a caregiver (2 hours a couple times a week) to take her for a walk or to a museum, zoo, gardens - whatever she would enjoy.
* Yes, she might fall and that is reason enough to take precautions. While I do not like to put it this way, how would you feel if you allowed her to go out alone and she did fall and/or something adverse happened to her? I imagine you would be riddled with guilt and remorse.
* Err on the side of safety and protecting her well being.
I believe we are not the people to answer these questions about you running to the grocery store or out socially for dinner. My recommendation would be if you want to do these things, which are certainly normal and natural - and you should be able to do - get someone in there for a couple of hours, even a volunteer from a local church, college student.
Contact a dementia organization (Alzheimers) in your city or county. Ask them.
Google TEEPA SNOW, one of the country's leading experts on dementia - read her books, call, watch her You Tubes. I think if you read / learn more about how the brain works and what parts are dying or not functioning as they used to, you will come to your own answers.
I know you care and you really do not know what to do.
Would I leave my mom if she was napping in bed - and run to the store for 20-30 minutes. Yes, perhaps. It would depend on if she was calm, on medication, anxious, etc. Every day may be different. It is a personal / judgment call.
I question 'why' your brother decided 'we can't leave her to even go for a walk' - what does he know about dementia - he didn't last more than four months, although perhaps that was enough for him to realize that she should not be left alone. Perhaps hire an independent medical social worker and have a discussion with her/him, you and your brother.
I know you will make the best decisions for your mom's welfare / well being.
I appreciate your opening and your vulnerability to ask us.
If you do not find a balance for caring for her in your home and 'me' (you) time, you may end up as your brother - feeling a need to do something in four months. Make time for yourself now. You need it. Caring for a parent with dementia in your home is a huge responsibility / energy draining. Take care of yourself.
Consider when it might be time to research placement where she will have 24/7 attention / care. Another option now could be day care - giving you many hours in one day for yourself.
Gena / Touch Matters