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My mom's hearing aides are no longer working properly; they have a tendency to shut off for no reason and of course since she is usually lying down they will squeal when they ARE actually on. When I took them in to be fixed a couple of years ago I was told they were much too old to be repaired (apparently 5 years is considered too old) As a result I find myself SHOUTING, constantly, and often repeatedly shouting the same thing over and over. Mom complains that I am yelling at her, but it's the only way she can hear me unless I am literally within 1 foot of her. I am finding that at the end of one of these shouting matches I feel just as stressed as if I were actually shouting in anger, the longer the "conversation" the more apt I am to feel this stress. Add in the fact that sometimes she just chooses to be uncommunicative, so I'm not sure if she doesn't hear me or she is ignoring me. Any advice on how to deal with this?

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cwillie, I am the same way. When I have to shout things three times, it makes me feel like I'm mad. I know my blood pressure and stress goes up. I feel exactly the way you describe.
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First, I'd buy an amplifier and see if this $50 expenditure might somewhat relieve the problem. You might have to try several different kinds, but you can always return them easy enough.

Next, take care to speak to her while looking right at her. This may help her do some lip-reading.

I have some experience with this because Tom is almost deaf as a rock and doesn't wear a hearing aid. If I forget NOT to talk to him as I'm walking away or turned away, or until I have his attention, I might have to repeat something three times before he hears me. By the third time, I'm sure I sound like Beulah Witch and probably look like her, too. I get it.

Poor seniors. They need all the warm fuzzies we have to spare. Sometimes we just don't have any at all...
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cwillie, yep same there. I try to be patient with my own Mom, she can't help it she cannot hear but she also tends to be her own worst enemy when it comes to hearing. When we are at the audiologist office, the doctor can get my Mom to hear so much better.... but the next day we are back at square one with Mom not hearing.

Mom blames the hearing aids... I blame Mom because she is afraid to put the hearing aid piece completely down into her ear canal [afraid it might hurt, which I can understand].... and whenever we are getting her ears cleaned of wax, she is dislikes the hot water and stops the cleaning, thinking luke warm water would work just a well... well, it doesn't.

What do you do? Nothing. Just grin and bear it the best you can.
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Oh MaggieMarshall if only she could lip read, but she has advanced macular degeneration and can't see either. I'm starting to wonder if I'm shouting because she can't hear or if I'm really angry deep in my psyche and heading toward burnout. Some days I just want to hide in a cave and not come out to deal with it.
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Mom is also hard of hearing. She has hearing aids but was so anxious wearing them, so afraid she'd lose them that I've put them away. I'd rather just talk loudly to her. I find if I speak slowly and enunciate every word she does pretty good. Like so many hard of hearing people she can hear the 'noise' just has a hard time understanding the words. Not to say I don't get tired of repeating things when I forget to pro nonce ev ery word slow ly and care fully!!!
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Most people have some hearing at some level. Try talking to her at different pitches to see if there is one she can hear without yelling at her. Also try to make sure you have her attention first, before you begin speaking. I've noticed sometimes Mom can hear, she just can't comprehend what I'm trying to say, and therefore all the yelling in the world won't help. Enunciation helps in that instance. Here in Texas we don't have accents, LOL, but we do tawk a liddle different. So, I try to make sure that I speak distinctly, ha ha.
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cwillie, also the same thing with my Mom with the macular degeneration, if only I could write down what I am saying life would be soooo much easier.

I found with my Mom I have to change around the words the next time I "repeat" something.... or change the words themselves. Like I was asking my Mom if she wanted me to get her Jello at the grocery store.... pillow?.... no, Jello.... yellow?.... then I tried "strawberry jello" and she understood that. Sadly, I am aging myself can't think that quickly on my feet when it comes to everything I try to say to Mom :(
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I find it helps to use short words and short sentences. For example, she hears "Going to the store" better than she hears "I'm going grocery shopping. Need anything?" If she hears the word store, she knows it's time to let me know if she wants something. Strong words and few syllables save a lot of repeating.
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Shouting causes stress and stress causes shouting.
I used to sit on the arm of dad's recliner, and talk to him from close proximity for anything that was important or detailed.
Simple words - short sentences - jokes get lost - hand gestures to support (thumbs up with an inquisitive look) - pray for patience, this is taxing on the nerves.
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Oldestof3, I was sloooowly typing at the same time you were, funny how we pretty much said the same thing. At least that was my intention. To say that sometimes it's not the volume, it's the enunciation. Or maybe the pitch. JessieBelle and Freqflyer, that's what I have found too. That changing things up a little, and not just say the same thing over and over usually helps. MIL's hearing loss, unfortunately, cannot be helped with hearing aids. We have had 3 different audiologists tell us the same thing, because some family members just can't believe that can be the case. So we shout, we repeat, we rephrase and many times, just give up and say never mind - which she hears. I can totally relate to CWillie's issue of it being stressful. On both sides.
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My Mom still thinks her problem is with the hearing aids themselves... in denial it is her aging ears. All the money that has been spent.

Now Mom wants to try a third hearing aid place to see what they offer.... oh my... thank goodness the place is less than a mile from the house.... otherwise my ears would be laying way back :P
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Yes, I hear you. Definitely my screaming point! I am not a parrot, but had to double check for colored feathers sticking out when (cannot mention who) all responses were "what?" It may seem not nice, but to correct the lazy communicator and selectively hearing impaired, after trying what was mentioned above, I started to ask, "what part of what I said did you hear?". Often, only one word was unheard. Then, I had the patience to repeat. This is for the cognitively declined, not for true hearing loss, but even then, testing them this way can help the patient try a little harder to pay attention. This will help them use their brain.
Of course, this is not for everyone's issues.
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Having to repeat myself, not being heard, and raising my voice is definitely a huge stress on me. Sometimes I have to walk away. Then, I have discovered what I was trying to say was not that important, even though it is lonely. Lowering my voice has actually helped more than raising my voice to be heard. Go figure!
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Sendme2help...I have found that the response 'what' is sometimes just a reflex. If I don't repeat what I said Mom suddenly knows just what I said. My husband also wore hearing aids but I still got the 'what?' and if I gave him just a moment he understood what I had said. And I'm sure neither one of them understands how much that 'what' bothers me!
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cwillie, I have no solutions for you, but I can answer your question. Yes! Shouting can cause stress. If you have to raise your voice all the time you not only sound angry but if you do it a lot you start to feel angry. Fortunately for me my husband's hearing aids worked so I determined that I would not shout. I'd point to his ears, and if necessary help him put in the aids. I explained to him often, "I am not mad at you at all and when I shout it makes me sound like I am mad."

I have had some problems with dry eyes and lots of watering of the eyes. And although they were NOT emotional tears, if you go around with tears half the day, let me tell you, you do begin to feel sad.

So, cwillie, my guess would be this is not some deep-down hidden anger. There is frustration there for sure, but needed to shout does bring on the feeling that go with shouting, just as having tears brings on the feelings that go with tears.

I recently saw a Teepa Snow video where she talks about hearing loss. Sometimes the problem is not with hearing but with processing what is heard, especially if it was a change in topics or spoken rapidly or a complex idea. The person looks confused and says, "what??" and we assume they didn't hear and we say it again more loudly. (And they perhaps say, "What are you shouting for!?" Sigh. I don't know if this applies to anyone here but it is a very interesting insight. I'm going to try to notice if this might apply to my mother.
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Suggestions from a been there done that point of view:

1. Smile while you are talking real loud. Then you don't feel angry and yrou facial expression does not convery anger.
2. Laugh about having to yell and shout and what the neighbors must think.
3. Get a little dry erase board and write some stuff instead.
4. Use charades and gestures.
5. **Repeat only the parts they did not get, not the whole phrase**. When I repeat to someone what it sounded like, we often get a laugh and then they usually say just the word I got wrong. Remember louder is not always clearer, sometimes clearer (slower, by itself, but without too much exaggeration of mouth movements) is clearer.
6. Relaize that trying to understand spoken words when you have bad hearing is very, very hard work and very, very tiring cognitively. Your brain is trying to juggle context, conscious or subconscious lip reading (make sure they can see your lips) and the actual sounds that do get through.
7. Don't EVER refuse to repeat or try again. Ue a different word, spell it, write it, whatever. You cannot imagine how worthless, demeaned, and paranoid it makes you to hear, "oh never mind" - because the assumption seems to be then that because you can't hear you don't matter or are too stupid to understand or act on the information anyways, so not worth it.
8. Encourage people to tell others they are hard of hearing - there should be no shame in that - and try to break the habit of assuming everyone else is mumbling.
9. Get a second audiological opinion. Hearing aids DO help sensorineural loss, I do not even know where that myth comes from, but then I've only been a user in the past 10 years or so with digital devices. Just amplifying everything will NOT help, but a little tech may go a long way to get some of those missing high frequencies delivered to the brain. Whistling means something is wrong and there is feedback between mic and receiver/transmitter - I have been told I may not be able to contiue open fit indefinitely as mine gets worse, and there are several other causes of feedback, but they can try a reciever-in-canal or one with a good ventilation hole instead. Intolerance of an aid may not just be psychological - I had a guy consider me "unmotivated" for not accepting a hearing aid that gave me a migraine in under a minute and could not be used with a stethoscope. Troubleshoot and think outside the box - find a new audiologist if yours won't.
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Ah, the whistling sound from Mom's hearing aid. Whenever she puts something into the refrigerator, her hearing aid would whistle. Whenever she put on a cap, it whistled. Put on her glasses. Whenever she is in the car.

One funny thing did happen regarding the whistle. Mom's cannot hear the whistle sound but everyone around her can. Dad and I were on the telephone to each other when Mom apparently picked up an extension phone.... she can barely hear on the phone so I don't know why she even did that.....

But anyway, it got me laughing saying to Dad that Mom is checking up to see who he is talking to on the phone. If Mom is trying to be sneaky listening in, her hearing aid whistling is a dead give away.... it got Dad laughing so hard :)
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Coy and I did a lot of firsts together the decade he had dementia. One was getting an Amtrak sleeping berth for our trip to Montana. I slept in the upper bunk (he couldn't have gotten up there, nor would it have been safe.) All night I heard a whistling noise which I assume was a train noise. In the morning I discovered his hearing aids, out of his ears but without the batteries disconnected! First thing we had to do after renting a car at our destination was go buy some batteries!

Pointer for other train newbies: A high-pitched whistle sound is NOT a normal part of train travel. =D
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My mother has had some hearing loss for at least 10 years, but not so severe it greatly interferes with normal communication. But for the last 2 weeks my sisters and I have all noticed an abrupt and serious decline in her hearing. She does not say "What?" -- she just tells us what she hears.

Do you want to use the red marker?
What are you talking about!? There is no bed on this coloring page!

I don't think I've ever seen this view so green.
Why are you talking about beans? I just said the trees look healthy. What do beans have to do with it?

(Holding up a shirt on a shopping trip) What color would you want, Mom?
(With her famous what-planet-are-you-from look) Of course I don't want butter. Let's pick out a shirt!

Sigh. It would be funny except we see it increases her confusion and frustration. We talked to the head nurse who confirmed hard-packed wax in one ear. They'll be dealing with that. If that doesn't help we'll go forward with some other tests. But our past experience with wax removal has been positive so we're hoping for the best.

vstefans, thanks for an insider's view!
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Hi, I'm new here. There are many good suggestions here. I'm the one with the hearing loss; my husband's hearing has declined over the years. Both of us have numerous medical issues and are caring for each other. He's 74 and I'm 69.

I've always been unable to hear and it's only been about 6 years that I've been wearing a hearing aid, as does he. This may sound weird but when I can't hear someone and they raise their voice repeating what they said I find it even more difficult to hear the words. The shouting tends to make me try to back away from what to me is screaming and often I've taken it personally, feeling hurt and sometimes frightened. It's hard to differentiate between a helpful raise in octave of a person's voice and an angry retort.

While some misheard words can often be humorous, the loud shouting is extremely stressful.

I find that if a soft spoken person is talking to me I have less difficulty hearing them if they (1) face me so I can try to read their lips, (2) enunciate their words (you would be surprised at how many people don't enunciate) and (3) don't turn away when speaking and (4) move closer to me, it's much better to move closer than to raise your voice.
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cwillie, I shouted at dad for the first time on Friday. He finally got to me and I snapped. I yelled at the top of my lungs and he could barely hear me anyway. It did give mom and the CNA quite a scare, as I'm known as the calm, soft spoken one. He is in a really difficult phase right now with his dementia and puts himself at risk trying to sneak out in cabs, demanding to go out when it's too hot. My neck was in spasm from all the worry and stress and it felt kinda good to let it out. I do feel vocal strain having to speak loudly when I'm talking to them.
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cwillie: OH Yes! The story of my life for the last 10 years. freqflyer and I are living parallel lives. My mother's deafness has driven my sister and me crazy. There is something about the physical mechanism of humans, when you shout, you feel stress which turns to anger - because shouting is not normal, raises blood pressure, etc. Mom never took care of her hearing aids, seldom cleaned them, so most of the time, they didn't work right. She would also peel the tab off all of the new batteries and throw them in the drawer or in a container and throw the old ones in with the new - so she often was replacing a half dead battery with a dead battery. She has lost them several times putting them in a Kleenex and throwing them away or shoving them in drawers. I've had to make dozens of trips to the audiologist, either for repairs or replace them. Even when they work, she often didn't listen well, or comprehend, so we had to shout, and repeat, shout and repeat until we were hoarse and couldn't talk - and yes, get angry! It doesn't take long - and yesterday, she lost her new aids again! I think I will take a valium before I walk in the door next time!
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"When you shout, you feel stress which turns to anger", YES! that is exactly it! What starts off as a normal question can soon have me ready to tear my hair out with frustration. It doesn't help that I can't always tell if she really can't hear or if she is choosing not to answer or she just doesn't understand. It leaves me walking away feeling like an evil brat, it's easier when she just retreats into her shell and doesn't interact at all, and I feel bad about that too.
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Beach Mouse, as a fellow hearing-impaired person, I hear you loud and clear! Yelling is WAY less intelligible than speaking louder. Plus, there is the recruitment phenomenon where really loud sound actually hurts your ears - very unintuitive if you have not lived with sensorineural hearing loss.

I also find that a puzzled look, saying what it sounded like to me, the more humorous the better, has a better chance of getting someone to say JUST the few words I misheard instead of the whole phrase louder. That way they know I hear something and realize that the fact I didn't hear it all doesn't mean I'm stupid or not all there.
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OMG - absolutely. I don't like shouting in general and I can't imagine any one being able to handle it well. Mom doesn't usually get what i'm saying until I repeat it for the third time - at which time my voice level is increased considerably.
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Oh, heck yeah!! My hubby, who is only 63, has severe hearing loss in one ear (the right one, which faces me in the car!!!) and he is getting pretty bad in the other. He refuses to address the ear that CAN be helped, b/c acc to him, hearing aids make you look "old". My snarky oldest daughter said to him "Dad, you know what makes you look old? Shouting "what? what?" all the time b/c you can't hear. I know I have to be facing him, making sure the TV is off and he is looking at me, before I speak to him. Then I have to carefully enunciate what I am going to say, the repeat back to me what I just said. ( he maintains that EVERYBODY in the world mumbles). If I REALLY need to get a point across, I write it down. His own mother has hearing loss--his sister is struggling. It's scary to be around all 3 at once! MIL has hearing aids, they help tremendously, but she has severe anxiety and so adding the "sound" to an already hard situation Is just too much. I have begged and pleaded with my hubby to see if he can't please get an aid for the "good ear"..he refuses and won't talk about it. The worst part is--he ADORES his grandkids, but the daughters will not leave him alone with any of the kids except the oldest few b/c he simply doesn't hear what is going on and 2 yo's can get in a ton of trouble and he doesn't hear them. At that point it is a HUGE issue of safety. I have the ears of a bat--I can hear EVERTHING which is a blessing, because I hear the kids, the neighbors, etc. I get VERY stressed when I have talked to him, I think he's heard me, and then he says "I didn't know you wanted....you never said anything". IMHO, people who have hearing loss can take it VERY personally and can get defensive about the loss of hearing. Yes, I am very stressed about this---but he doesn't care, so maybe I shouldn't either. (And it doesn't help that when I have shouted at him he looks at me and says "Sheesh, why don't you calm down?".
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I have the same problem with my husband. he has been tested and has been found to have hearing loses. of course he says they are wrong. I used to do what you do and found my blood pressure rising and other medical problems caused by stress. when finally I went to the mayo clinic they told me point blank your medical problems are the result of your husband's problems and the way I dealt with them. which was shouting as loud as I could, running to do the bills before he gets them, take the responsibility for his being ill. STOP. if you really love the person stop and find another way because stress will kill you and you will probably die because there is no one near to him ooorrr those near to him will have to learn how to cope. start them coping now and give yourself a break. you are not a martyr you are a caretaker. one of the things that I found that worked with my husband was not to answer him until i was within his hearing range I could hear/see if the situation was dangerous. if it was not don't teach him to expect you to run to him or yell at the top of your voice. others will not do that for him. teach him guides that others will work in that's the best care for you and him. his hearing and sight loss are probably the result of his disease and cannot be helped with glasses or hearing aids to the extent that you or I can be helped. ask his neurologist.
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Yes, shouting causes stress for you and for them. Is it possible and affordable to get some modern hearing aids? Sometimes, hearing is more difficult the higher the person's pitch of voice is.

My wife's ears are experiencing the genetic hearing loss that runs in her family. Her new hearing ads are about to drive her crazzy because she's hearing things she's not been used to hearing. I've told her for years she's needed a hearing aid with as loud as she plays the TV, etc.

I have one hearing aid that helps due to ear never damage from an accident. I"m not sure how my ear is doing, but the doctor is treating an ear infection before she can test my hearing. My hearing aid is older than 5 years. I hope that I don't have to replace it after buying two for my wife. I have trouble mainly with soft voices and high pitches.

I hope you can find a solution beyond yelling which helps no one in the long run.
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Thanks Jan--other than the hearing los, he's pretty healthy. He just can't hear well and it makes him seem a lot older. The kids are angrier at him than I am...it's just super annoying. He "forgets' a lot of stuff because I will remind him to grab this or that as he's walking out the door and he doesn't hear me. Also we've been married nearly 40 years and he tuned out the sound of my voice a LONG time ago.

I think if on of the our kids he respects says something, he'd listen. I'm the naggy sound of a wife who is repetitious. Maybe my SIL or DIL who are both DRS say something to him, he'd deal with it. We currently have our daughter visiting with her 2 small children. She commented that dad's hearing was much worse than 7 months agp when she was here. She won't leave the 2 yo in his care b/c dad doesn't hear the sneaky 2 yo getting into stuff. And don't get me started on how loud music or the TV has to be!!! Luckily, he did get Bluetooth headphones, so I am not assaulted with incredibly loud TV. Daughter is sleeping in the bedrrom below us and EVERY night she has come up to ask dad to turn down the TV and he always does it--but complains that it's "barely on".
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My dad is deaf in one ear and can't hear out of the other. He has been deaf in the one ear for 50 years and for the other ear he refuses to use his hearing aid. I guess at almost 90 that is his prerogative. He kind of lives in his own world. We take the soft spoken approach with him, gently telling him it is time to go for 'this or 'that'. He is quite cooperative for what he understands and can hear. I guess he just trusts the rest of us. We are Blessed to have both parents with us, even if dementia problems face them and us!! God Bless All of you for your patience with your loved ones. They are in AL are well taken care of!! It took awhile for me to realize the approaches that worked best for each of them. Keep working on it. The answers will come. The loud TV is very hard on the ears of those who hear well, especially the little ones.
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