Mom is fully able to make her own decisions and can take care of herself but right now we have her in a memory loss home because of medications that were causing hallucinations a while ago. But she is doing so much better now. She hates this place and wants out so I was taking her home with me on the weekends (same city) to give her life, fresh air and some fun. But my brother feels I am hurting her by not allowing her to "settle in" to this place and adjusting. She does not want to adjust or settle in..she wants out and he isn't listening for whatever reasons he has.
And yet your brother is anxious for her to settle permanently in this unit. Given the cost, and given the personal restrictions, and given that other types of facility would be much cheaper and allow your mother more autonomy, what possible reason could your brother have for not wanting to review your mother's care if her difficulties were only temporary?
To answer your question directly: no, POA does not entitle your brother to dictate who can visit your mother or when, unless he needs to to protect her; and if your mother really does have full cognitive function then your brother cannot either prevent her from doing as she pleases. But that does not make it a good idea to ignore him, or to go behind his back, or to assume that he doesn't know what he's talking about. If you really think there ought to be a change of plan, I'd start with a chat with some of the facility's senior staff and ask them for their assessment of your mother's current and likely future needs.
For your mom to be where she is indicates that her problems were (are) severe enough to need special care and had the backing of her doctors. Perhaps they had to write letters or sign orders. At that point your brothers POA gives him the responsibility to take the action that he feels is appropriate. He isn't required to take your opinion into consideration.
If you feel strongly that he is wrong, you could file for guardianship. But just because you file doesn't mean you will be awarded it. IMHO, your best course of action is to consider what your brother says. Keep the lines open. Visit her drs or as has been suggested the staff where she is. Educate yourself on her health issues. Understand that dementia patients can sometimes appear asymptomatic. I gently suggest it could be that you need time to accept this turn of events. It's not easy. Therapy might help you. I'm sure it feels like you are rescuing mom but it might be that you are actually not working in her best interest as brother is suggesting. We don't all arrive at an Understanding of this terrible disease at the same time.
Where was your mom living before? Was this a big jump in care for her?
Keep posting here and we will try to help.
My mother and brother have the sickest and weirdest co-dependent relationship.
I have tried and tried to talk to him about this, but his response is always the same: She's MY responsibility. Well, she has 5 living children and I think all of us need to help more, but he honestly will not allow it. Most of us just let it slide and if he wants this to be his ship to sail, I guess we aren't going to fight him--but it's weird.
Dementia diagnosis or no, POA/DPOA or no, if your mother has mental capacity then she has the last word on all decisions.
The assessment should be looking at her care needs, her ability to manage Activities of Daily Living; but also at her cognitive function: her ability, inter alia, to take in and process information, understand consequences and make decisions. And even with "some" dementia, she still has the right to make her wishes known and have them taken into account.
Who will be present to support your mother during the assessment?
What does worry me a little is that, for example, you say you do know she will need day-to-day care, but then you say she is very independent and fully able to do everything on her own and wants to, and you say she has no "other" health issues - other than what, then?
Very independent, fully able to do everything on her own and willing to... these don't add up to a person who, as you say, needs Assisted Living or full-time care at home. What difficulties does she have that you yourself recognise? I just think it's very important to be clear-eyed and realistic about not just what she needs now, but what she's likely to need in future.
Don't despair! Continuity and sense of place are important benefits too. And if it's true that there is good support available in her home location, then that's an option you can put forward.
So when you met with your mother's doctors and memory care staff, what did they say about how she's doing?
I see you have your mom on your profile as having Alzheimer's.
Have you met with her doctors? Does she have other health issues?
It sounds like you and brother both want what's best for your mom but you don't agree on her current placement. Is that a fair statement? Is there an alternate facility that you feel would be more appropriate for your mom at this time? I know it's very difficult to have your mom where she is unhappy but I encourage you to work with your brother and keep the lines of communication open. Did you agree with brother initially for the placement but now that the meds have been adjusted feel that she would be better served at a different level of care?Come back and give us more information in order to give you more specific responses.
And yes, if brother has DPOA he has the responsibility to care for mom and if their is a conflict he is in control.
And yes I know Mom can have her POA changed at any time (and she is competent) and will be talking with her about this possibility! I have done nothing but research on POA's for the past 2 days The thing that floors me is this. My brother and I have been close for 50 years and all of a sudden I feel he turned on me and is hurting me and my Mom so deeply. He has never had the relationship with Mom that Mom and I have. Perhaps there is some jealousy? But he also lives 200+ miles away and I am in the same city that Mom is living now. I am still in shock that he did this to me and cannot figure out why when he knows I have always been close to Mom and will continue to be so. She is 84, I am 61. I know I have limited time with her. I want to make the best of it for her but our family is now in turmoil. This assessment test scares me...coming up on the 27th. I pray they will see that she only needs assisted living. I would ask for prayer if there are prayer warriors reading this. I know it's all in God's hands...