Are you sure you want to exit? Your progress will be lost.
Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
✔
I acknowledge and authorize
✔
I consent to the collection of my consumer health data.*
✔
I consent to the sharing of my consumer health data with qualified home care agencies.*
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
Share a few details and we will match you to trusted home care in your area:
POA change was done with an attorney, notarized and all. Certified letter was sent to sister by attorney. She is not relinquishing her authority claiming my mother is incompetent. I am wondering if she did have the court papers drawn up declare her and when the summoms was sent to my mother, it went to my sisters house as she was taking moms mail. So in essence my mother never would have shown up to court? Just a thought. Sister has mom's money all tied up now I think in a trust according to the bank and mom has no access to anything at all. Sister has funds in 3 different accounts and mom's name is on none of them. I am now working on reporting her and have a question in to my attorney and have e-mailed an elder law attorney. The problem is the money, my sister has all moms money and it using it to come after me but I am not in a financial situation to go to an attorney for help and my mom wants and attorney to get her money back but again, mom has no access to her money anymore and she can't pay either.
And i believe that Selfish Siblings is correct, if your mom has not been declared incompetent by a judge, She can change her POA anytime, althought the ex POA does have to be notified, preferably by the attorney through certified mail.
Start with your state's dept. of aging, or Agency on Aging, and then check with the Local District Attorney's office, They usually have an elder fraud office. But you're best bet is to see an Elderlaw Attorney as soon as possible.
Babs, #1: Get an elder care attorney now. Someone who has experience in this field, not just the lawyer down the road. #2: I'm not sure, but I think if you have you Mom sign POA papers (in the rpesense of a lawyer) with you or your uncle, your sister's POA is rendered invalid. Then, you can go to the bank and move your mother's money. You don't have to tell your sister, just do it. You need to have a plan and a lawyer can help you put all these pieces together. I get the whole angry thing, but don't let it own you. I had it for a long time with my selfish siblings f*ing with me while I take care of Mom AND dad. I would also recommend (as I'm sure a lawyer would too) that at this point, you need to CEASE communciation with your sister. If she calls, don't pick up. Do not allow her into your home. Period. End of discussion. Sounds hard, but it's not. I did it and my life is a lot simplier now. You can do all of this without or while you're in the process of rendering your mom incompetent. Just my two cents and please anyone weigh in if you think this is wrong advise for our friend!
Who do I call to get the involved as to where this money is? It's time for us to find out what is going on since my sister is not giving up the POA. I need to know what she would have needed to do to get my mother delcared incopetent and if she did it. I don't think just a note from a doctor is good enough especially is it is her employer. Please advise, maybe dept of aging, some type of elder care place. I'm just not sure where I should head next. My mom is really mad and wants her money back and her brother to be her POA and her wishes are not being honored.
Yes, you do have to go to court to declare someone incompetent which will included a notarized statement from a doctor(s) that the person in question is not able to conduct their business in a business like manner, why, and their qualifications for making such a judgement. I almost had to do this for my mother's protection, but I do have the two notarized letters from two doctors, one of which is her neurologist. Feel free to keep on venting. This is one of the great benefits of this site.
Well I tried to get the grandchildren to see grandma and it turned to all out war. They want me to let them see her on their terms and the hell with what grandma wants. So after laying awake all night fuming over how they treated me I have decided to contact aging care or elder care and see what my options are. I am sick and tired of being abuse verbally and emotionally and have had enough. I am going to ask the elder care people also about my sister taking her money. I just saw in our paper today that a man was being brought up on charges of taking money out of the account he was POA of and moving it and it is considered fraud. So it's time to check things out. Mom is considereing filing a restraining order against them now. They keep blaming me and saying I am making this about me and that is not the case at all. This is all grandma and all her wishes. She wants my sister to give her money back and that's why she is mainly angry. I don't blame her. That money is hers and both my dad and she worked long and hard to have what they have and no one should be taking that away without moms permission. Do you have to go to court to declare someone incompetent or can one letter from your physician boss say someone is incapacitated? I've just had enough of this whole situation. I try to be nice and bring them together with their grandmother and I am the one who turns out to be the bad guy. Now these two girls have no kids because they are too selfish and no nothing about taking care of anyone but themselves. How dare they judge someone who is responsible for another adult especially and elderly one when they are too damn selfish to care about anyone but themselves. Sorry I just need to vent as I'm pretty angry right now
Just because somebody is a "blood relative" does not mean they are obligated to see their family member or even "like them" for that matter. I would politely inform my sister that mom has made it clear that she wants nothing to do with her and leave it at that. Maybe your mother and sister have had "bad blood" going back decades of which you are unaware. We should not fall for the myth that adult children and their elderly parents should or can like each other. There are plenty of people I have met (including relatives) that I did not particularly "like." It's no big deal.
Babs, I think that you, your mom and your uncle really do need to see an elderlaw attorney. This kind of thing can blow up and become a real threat to the peace you are striving to give your mom, and to your, and your uncle's futures. By seeing an attorney, you will be able to put it out of your minds, and still know that it is all being handled with all three of your best interests in mind, by someone who knows how to handle it. Sometimes, when we are emotionally involved with a situation, what seems like the correct and logical course of action to take can be a huge mistake. Protect yourselves now.
italianbabs, I've read back over previous questions and see where your sister was the POA; she had been taking money from your mother's account; and your mother revoked her POA. Now, I see why your mother does not want to see her and why you don't want to talk with her either. Have you taken legal action against your sister taking money from your mother's account? It sounds like she's the one who should be concerned about being taken down.
I had a similar situation. My mother, who has been diagnosed with alzheimers, lives with me and said that she did not want to see my sister. My sister has been estranged from the family for many years. I was in the process of obtaining legal guardianship of my mother because she could no longer take care of herself. In court, my mother said that she did want to see my sister even after telling me that she did not. If your mother has alzheimer/dementia she will not remember what she tells you and the situation could easily turn on you. I did have legal counsel because we were right in the middle of the guardianship hearing. If you have any question about your mother's competency, I highly recommend that you discuss this situation with an attorney. One of the first signs of my mother's dementia (memory, paranoia, etc) presented itself in her negative treatment of her children. Protect yourself and get legal advice. You cannot second guess how family members will react in these situations. My sister did go after me in court but fortunately I had enough documentation and legal representation to show that I had my mother's best interests at heart and had no intention of keeping my sister from seeing her. I do agree that love and forgiveness are important but I know that many times family issues are so deep that it takes years of counseling/work to reach the point of forgiveness. I think you could be setting yourself up for lots of problems.
I did send a e-mail to my neice asking if she wants to see her grandmother. I agree with some of the comments that it is not the kids fault. It just bothers me that they are siding with their father about the assault charges but they weren't at our home and they dont' know what happened. I know even though mom says she doesn't want to see them, I think she misses them. I can tell by her demeanor that she misses her family and I feel bad. So if they agree to have me come along somewhere, I will let them see their grandma.
Your last few sentences is right on!!!! Thats how I look at things. All the time when my siblings upset my mother. I had to clean up the mess so to say... My siblings are all about the money too. My brother scamed so much money from her. Actually, he was using a credit card in my fathers name(who has been deceased for 5 yrs. The last account I had was that the balance was over $17,000. I have tried to fight with Capital One that fraud is going on. They don't want to deal with it. Cause they are wrong for letting my brother do this fraud activity and not stopping it. I could go on for days about crap that has happened. I am here for my moms best interest. I might not be perfect but my husband and I are doing our best. When I had to stop working to look after mom 24/7 we took a sizeable income loss as well. So mom does help pay the bills and groceries etc... Why not.. we all live together. Don't worry about the incompentent thing. My mom is in later stages of dementia and ALL of her doctors say she is NOT incompentent. The whole incompentent thing is a big legal mess from what I understand. Once a person is found incompetent then it has to go to court for an court appointed Guardian. Which in my POA papers mom has stated that if she were deemed incompentent. She requested that I was appointed her legal guardian. So have your uncle check his POA papers and see if there is a mention of that in there.(if not, get it in there) I truly feel for your situation. I know for myself there were days that I just wanted to wave a white flag and say "I give up, you win". But then I would think what would happen to mom. My siblings I know for a fact would throw her in a home and forget about her. and have a hay-day with whats left of her assests. My hubby and I have stuck to our guns, and after a year of hell, my siblings just stopped harassing us. My siblings tried so hard to get me in trouble with protected services for the eldery, siblings even as much as would have people stop along the street outside of the house and take pictures and videos of us outside. My husband lost it when these people started to do this when the kids were playing outside. For a year, we felt like prisoners inside our home. I know that its not over. But for now we just enjoy the peace. I wish I had a magic wand to help fix our problems. Its helped so much being here and reading other caregivers who have similar situations. It has helped me realize that I am not alone.
My mother has several reasons why she does not want to see my sister. My sister was POA and has taken all my moms money out of her accounts and has basically kept my mother out of the loop and only gives her an allowance. My mother has no access to her money as my sister is saying she is doing what is in my mother's best interest. My sister is claiming mom is incompetent but sister works for the doctor and had doctor sign a note. Sister e-mailed me at the end of October and said mom has beginning stages of dementia but was fine to work and she is doing remarkably well per the doctor. So mom has some memory loss but not enough to be declared incompetent. Mom changed POA and will in March. She wants to know where all her money is. Sister will not turn it over to my uncle who is new POA. 2nd reason is sister's husband filed charges against my husband claiming simple assault and harrassment. Mom lives in my home on the 2nd floor. Sister and family were told to stay out of our home due to some accusations and brother in law walking in our home where our 16 year old daughter's bedroom was pretty often. Brother in law tried to push his way into our home and my husband shoved him out the door twice. Husband never left inside the home until after brother in law lost his balance and fell down 3 steps. Mom witnessed everything and is very bothered they pressed criminal charges against my husband as it is all a lie. Mom adores my husband because he takes care of her. 3rd reason, sister is coming after me for money my mother let us use from her accounts while my husband was ill for a year and a half. Mom lives in our home and we only were getting 60% wages and had already lost about 15,000 year when hubby lost his job and had to take one at a substantially lower rate. Sister is greedy and only cares about the money and not her mother. Sister needs to forgive about us using the money and realize that she is hurting her mother terribly. Mom and sister were very close and she has really hurt my mother. As far as I am concerened, my sister can have all the money my mother has when she passes. My goal to to make the last years of my mother's life happy and if people continue to want to harrass her and upset her, then they don't have a place in her life anymore. My family has to take care of her when other's upset her.
If you mom doesn't want to see your sister. Than there is nothing your sister can do. Its at your moms wishes she doesn't want her around. I have 2 siblings that washed their hands of my mother over a year ago. My mother has endured all kinds of trouble with them and its the best that they have chosen to stay away. and as well with there children, my siblings have allowed their children to disrespect their grandmother. I used to think that the grandkids should come around. However, the only way I could get them here was to pay them... and when they were here all they did was ask for money and gifts. Which really upset my mother. when the hand outs stopped coming so did they!!! Everything will be okay, just stick to your guns. Try to support your mother in what she wants.
Also, Italianbabs, it is no one's business why you do not interact with your sister or anyone else; this issue is about your mom and her wishes being respected.
If mom doesn't want anything to do with her daughter she is under no legal or emotional obligation to do so. On the other hand you should not be in the middle. I don't know why you no longer talk with your sis but if it's because of loyalty to mom, then maybe it's time for you to sit down and rethink this over. Excluding the grandkids is unfair to them (unless they did something wrong or are verbally and physically abusive). The sins of the parents should not be passed on to the children- but they are. Is it possible to invite just one of your neices/nephews over at a time to see you or for you to go out with them? Miscommunication is the cause of so many family problems. Maybe mom would benefit from talking to someone out side of the family to find a way to handle this.
My question is, Why doesn't she want to see your sister? Is your mom competent or does she have some stage of dementia that causes her to reject your sister, and has she ever been evaluated? Does your sister live nearby? Has she done something that upsets your mother? Do you encourage your mother to see your sister or are there negetive things being said so to discourage your mom from seeing your sister? In order to get the answer, the reason needs to be found why your mom doesn't want to see your sister. Family shutting out a member is very sad. Try to get love instilled in the family thinking; forgiveness plays a big part too if there is a matter that needs to be forgiven.
It is not illegal for an adult to not want to see another adult, regardless of blood relations. The only way your sister could use the law, is if she is wrongfully denied inheritance later - for instance, if your mom deemed something to her, but you hold it back. Also, if your mom is currently of sound mind, and you want to avoid a lawsuit later from your sister contesting your mom's Will, then you should make sure that your mom's will, if it currently does not include your sister, is certified somehow as being legitimate because your mom is currently of sound mind and body. Other than a Will dispute, your sister cannot sue you or demand that any adult private citizen interact with her.
Your mom is not the primary problem for you to attend to here. Your own relationship with your sister is. Your relationship with your sister is affected by the other people in the family dynamic, but how you handle it is your responsibility and you get out of "the middle" by taking ownership of how you interact with her. You have nieces and nephews too, apparently, and you have choices to make about how you interact with them as well. Realize that doing "nothing" is effectively an action because it impacts the dynamic. Letting your mom and your uncle decide for you how to behave towards your sister and your other family members is a choice. You have an impact on whether or not somebody can "take you down." Good luck.
Mom really wants nothing to do with her anymore. Sis and I don't talk at all either. Sis went to moms work the other day but mom went and hid in the bathroom. She was so worked up she was awake all night. I didn't know this until the next day when she looked tired and I asked if she was ok. Mom's brother says mom should call sis's kids because it makes me look bad like I'm holding her back from them. That is not the case at all. I ask mom all the time if she wants to talk to any of them and she tells me "no". She has also told my uncle she does not want to talk to them. It puts me in the middle and my uncle is afraid sister will come after me for this as well since she is trying to do everything in her power to take me down.
These family things are so messy, complicated, and frustrating. The short answer is NO your mother most certainly does not have to see your anyone if that is her wish. (Unless your sis have a legitimate reason for concern - ie: a preceived misuse of funds, endangerment, neglect, etc.) If not, I see no legal way that your sister can force herself on your mother. That being said, it is also difficult asking someone to respect your wishes when they are used to doing as they darn well please. First, make sure that your mother has no desire to see your sis. Next, politely inform sis of your mother's wishes...you do not need to go into lengthy reasons...that just fuels the fire. Better yet, you may want to put everything into a letter with a "signed receipt" and keep a copy. If she still continues to harass your Mom and you feel strongly that she should be kept away, file a restraining order and then enforce it...hopefully, she will get the hint. Sounds like your sis needs SOMETHING from your Mom or she would not be making a pest of herself. If your motives are truly in the best interests of your Mom and you are protecting her from harm (mentally, physically, emotionally, or financially) be consistent and firm with your sis. As if you do not have enough to do.....
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
#1: Get an elder care attorney now. Someone who has experience in this field, not just the lawyer down the road. #2: I'm not sure, but I think if you have you Mom sign POA papers (in the rpesense of a lawyer) with you or your uncle, your sister's POA is rendered invalid. Then, you can go to the bank and move your mother's money. You don't have to tell your sister, just do it. You need to have a plan and a lawyer can help you put all these pieces together. I get the whole angry thing, but don't let it own you. I had it for a long time with my selfish siblings f*ing with me while I take care of Mom AND dad. I would also recommend (as I'm sure a lawyer would too) that at this point, you need to CEASE communciation with your sister. If she calls, don't pick up. Do not allow her into your home. Period. End of discussion. Sounds hard, but it's not. I did it and my life is a lot simplier now. You can do all of this without or while you're in the process of rendering your mom incompetent. Just my two cents and please anyone weigh in if you think this is wrong advise for our friend!
xoxo
- Selfish Siblings
I'd call a lawyer ASAP if for no other reason than to cover my own backside!
There should also be a way to call for an audit of these funds in your sister's "care".
By seeing an attorney, you will be able to put it out of your minds, and still know that it is all being handled with all three of your best interests in mind, by someone who knows how to handle it. Sometimes, when we are emotionally involved with a situation, what seems like the correct and logical course of action to take can be a huge mistake. Protect yourselves now.
I've read back over previous questions and see where your sister was the POA; she had been taking money from your mother's account; and your mother revoked her POA. Now, I see why your mother does not want to see her and why you don't want to talk with her either. Have you taken legal action against your sister taking money from your mother's account? It sounds like she's the one who should be concerned about being taken down.
I am here for my moms best interest. I might not be perfect but my husband and I are doing our best. When I had to stop working to look after mom 24/7 we took a sizeable income loss as well. So mom does help pay the bills and groceries etc... Why not.. we all live together.
Don't worry about the incompentent thing. My mom is in later stages of dementia and ALL of her doctors say she is NOT incompentent. The whole incompentent thing is a big legal mess from what I understand. Once a person is found incompetent then it has to go to court for an court appointed Guardian. Which in my POA papers mom has stated that if she were deemed incompentent. She requested that I was appointed her legal guardian. So have your uncle check his POA papers and see if there is a mention of that in there.(if not, get it in there)
I truly feel for your situation. I know for myself there were days that I just wanted to wave a white flag and say "I give up, you win". But then I would think what would happen to mom. My siblings I know for a fact would throw her in a home and forget about her. and have a hay-day with whats left of her assests.
My hubby and I have stuck to our guns, and after a year of hell, my siblings just stopped harassing us. My siblings tried so hard to get me in trouble with protected services for the eldery, siblings even as much as would have people stop along the street outside of the house and take pictures and videos of us outside. My husband lost it when these people started to do this when the kids were playing outside. For a year, we felt like prisoners inside our home. I know that its not over. But for now we just enjoy the peace.
I wish I had a magic wand to help fix our problems. Its helped so much being here and reading other caregivers who have similar situations. It has helped me realize that I am not alone.
Everything will be okay, just stick to your guns. Try to support your mother in what she wants.
That being said, it is also difficult asking someone to respect your wishes when they are used to doing as they darn well please.
First, make sure that your mother has no desire to see your sis. Next, politely inform sis of your mother's wishes...you do not need to go into lengthy reasons...that just fuels the fire. Better yet, you may want to put everything into a letter with a "signed receipt" and keep a copy.
If she still continues to harass your Mom and you feel strongly that she should be kept away, file a restraining order and then enforce it...hopefully, she will get the hint.
Sounds like your sis needs SOMETHING from your Mom or she would not be making a pest of herself.
If your motives are truly in the best interests of your Mom and you are protecting her from harm (mentally, physically, emotionally, or financially) be consistent and firm with your sis.
As if you do not have enough to do.....