Can we really start again? Build a new life after the storm of caregiving.
It's almost 4 years since my mother passed from vascular dementia aged 106 on a cold afternoon in December. It was a great relief for me, and, I think, for her. She was ready to go and I last saw her with a small smile on her face. I had been caregiving in one sense or another most of my life due to my mother's mental illness - Borderline Personality Disorder and narcissism.
I find I am grieving a bit this year, probably because I am moving from my family home of the last 40+ years as well as remembering the years and years of difficult family relationships and very stressful caregiving. No more "crazy" phone calls, demanding emails, subtle and not so subtle put downs, rantings and ravings about my shortcomings. I know many of you get it.
My father died many years ago and that marked the end of any caring nuclear family. He was a nurturer. My mother died nearly 4 years ago. and once the estate was settled I cut contact with my sister. I recall very few kind words from my mother or my sister - ever. My sister smiled then stabbed me with a sharp remark. "What did you ever do to help mother!" This after several years of me being POA financial and medical, moving mother a number of times, dealing with problems at the facilities she was in and her progressing dementia. During one visit my sister made to a new facility she asked me if I had seen mother's room. I said, "Yes, who do you think moved the furniture and set it up?" She just looked blank. Never a thank you for what I did.
In some ways the slate has been wiped clean, although the traces of the past are still with me. I have worked hard to overcome and heal from the hurts, the dysfunctional ways of coping, the anxiety. The past is fading, slowly, but it is fading.
Can we really start again?
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Your mom was similar to my mom: abusive, critical, put-downs…
I’m still caregiving, so I’m not where you are right now. Your question is: Can we really start again?
YES.
YOU WILL and YOU CAN.
The best is ahead of you, waiting for you!
…Heal.
…Meet great, kind people.
…Having wonderful people in one’s life makes all the difference.
…ELIMINATE BAD PEOPLE in your life, also from the internet.
What you kick out of your life is important too, just as much as what you keep in your life.
YOU’LL BUILD A GREAT, NEW LIFE.
People often think “this or that” is impossible, until someone achieves it and shows it’s totally possible.
:)
One also needs luck.
HERE IS LUCK your way :).
40 years has a whole lot of memories attached.
https://www.amazon.com/Finding-Meaning-Sixth-Stage-Grief/dp/1501192744/ref=sr_1_17?crid=3QZGFQFZ1FR8U&keywords=elisabeth+kubler+ross+and+david+kessler&qid=1668550952&sprefix=elisabeth+kubler+ross+and+david+kessler%2Caps%2C129&sr=8-17
In this groundbreaking and “poignant” (Los Angeles Times) book, David Kessler—praised for his work by Maria Shriver, Marianne Williamson, and Mother Teresa—journeys beyond the classic five stages to discover a sixth stage: meaning.
In 1969, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross first identified the stages of dying in her transformative book On Death and Dying. Decades later, she and David Kessler wrote the classic On Grief and Grieving, introducing the stages of grief with the same transformative pragmatism and compassion. Now, based on hard-earned personal experiences, as well as knowledge and wisdom gained through decades of work with the grieving, Kessler introduces a critical sixth stage: meaning.
Kessler’s insight is both professional and intensely personal. His journey with grief began when, as a child, he witnessed a mass shooting at the same time his mother was dying. For most of his life, Kessler taught physicians, nurses, counselors, police, and first responders about end of life, trauma, and grief, as well as leading talks and retreats for those experiencing grief. Despite his knowledge, his life was upended by the sudden death of his twenty-one-year-old son. How does the grief expert handle such a tragic loss? He knew he had to find a way through this unexpected, devastating loss, a way that would honor his son. That, ultimately, was the sixth stage of grief—meaning. In Finding Meaning, Kessler shares the insights, collective wisdom, and powerful tools that will help those experiencing loss.
*****************************************************
I also think that many times we have to reinvent ourselves after we spend decades in a caregiving role. We turn into a different person as a caregiver, and after the loved one dies, we find ourselves saying, "Now what?" As much as a 'slate is wiped clean', we are a cumulative collection of memories & experiences we've undertaken in the past, all making us into who and what we are TODAY. If we're left with dysfunctional ways of coping with stress, and suffering from anxiety afterwards, then we have to find ways to alleviate that stress and actively work on finding new and healthy coping mechanisms vs. ones that self-harm (my personal favorites :( )
Wishing you the best of luck reinventing yourself as you move through a new phase of life and come out better and stronger for it in the end, Golden. God bless.
Meaning I have always had. The hardest grief I had was losing my youngest son. I learnt a lot about loss and recovery from loss from that. You do change as you heal. If you don't cave in you become stronger.
1) Google for a tour company that specialises in holidays for the elderly. Perhaps one that takes you to NY, you all stay in the same hotel, and are ported around to theaters, galleries and tourist sites. I’d be surprised if no-one taps this market.
2) Find a school or college that is training kids to make amateur movies (very common around here). Offer to be the ‘talent’ for the elderly role. Even if you mostly sit in a chair, being on site with all those young people is going to be different - especially when things go wrong. Brace yourself for the language.
3) Book a holiday in a foreign country, get ‘A Room with a View’ of something nice, and get yourself immersed in the foreign culture. Hire a day-time excursion companion to show you around – not just the tourist things, to see the other side of life, meet their family and see how they live. One of the maids at the hotel might give you an introduction. It can be an eye opener into a different life.
The point is, don’t sit in the same place thinking about the past. If you come up with other ideas, why don’t you post them for comment, too?
My mother is 92. She is bedridden in SN. I am an only child. While I may not have had the extent of your difficulties I have had many and I guess each of us lives our life with the entensity of the past we have endured. My mother had periods of time throughout my childhood where she was basically in bed. There are so many other issues I have dealt with. I never thought she would live this long given how she chose many unhealthy choices for many years. These choices have burdened me as she chose not to seek medical treatment for me when I was young due to her belief in Christian Science. I had great resentment at that and have felt that her choice with this religion caused further difficulty with her health yet she lives on greatly compromised. I have guilt with these thoughts at times but I am so emotionally exhausted with her care. I know it is not in my home but I do visit and am witness to a very slow decline.
Anyway I have admired your advice given to others and sympathize with your difficult family situation. You certainly are deserving of a positive change and I hope you can arrive at that physical and emotional state for your future.
I read somewhere and I am paraphrasing: what we do post caregiving until the end of time perhaps is the most important part of life, as we have to overcome so many struggles.
As we faced so many obstacles and set backs and baggage we accumulated, it is all not easy.
As Margaret suggested great trip or trips.
Would put some distance between past experiences and return of sense of adventure.
I would suggest my favourite city Marrakesh, Morocco, perhaps too far, especially with all airlines troubles lately.
Merida, Mexico on Yucatan is beautiful city, lots of Canadians, I know more than 15-20 who are planning winter there I would join them as I did before if I could. My GF 84, goes every year. Theaters, concerts, activities, markets, great culinary experiences and lots of tours outside of the city.
There is tours for older travellers, even for people with mobility issues, I found one for hubby and I, Machu Picchu, we always wanted to climb it. Well, not that easy anymore or even possible for him.
But even Canadian Rockies by train tour would be great!
Imagine a week or more from Banff to Vancouver or opposite.
I would still take Orient Express, Paris to Istanbul.
If I was post caregiving I would purchase ticket around the world, see where it takes me. I wonder if they still have them?
When you have negative emotions and painful memories come up, let them come. Don't try to push them down or put them out of your mind. Let them come and then let them go. Your siblings are not going to change how they think and what they believe. You can change how you interact and respond to them and can even choose to not interact or respond to them at all. That's within your power to do.
You're done with caregiving and now it's time for you to make a different life for yourself with you at the center of it. No one can 'start over' because everything that's ever been in our lives is what makes us who we are.
Change the things within your power to change. Accept those things that you have no power over. Have the wisdom to know the difference.
Good luck to you in making your different life. You will do well, I am sure. L'chaim! (To Life. Cheers!).
https://www.ncfr.org/ncfr-report/focus/family-focus-aging/four-phases-aging-beyond-erikson-s-integrity-versus-despair
I think people like you, Golden, can start again, start over, and keep going.
Because you have worked hard, and allow the past to fade.
Re-visiting history can make me sad, as if it has just happened, not 30 years ago.
I think you can. Think positive every morning when you wake up that you can. Tell yourself that you did the best you could, and then let go. You did what you could, you loved and cared for someone outside of yourself. You became the parent to the parent, and that was not your responsibility. You did a good job - end of topic.
I hope you say to yourself tomorrow when you wake up, I'm a good person and I did what I could do in a hard/difficult situation. Then move on with your day. I struggle everyday with the things I could do better, don't we all?
“trust the magic of new beginnings!”
❤️
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11
i like this:
“So, make the holidays great without the family that is gone from you. New traditions, new menus, new outlook, as a new person.”
:)
I am sorry for all the years of pain and dysfunction you've experienced. I feel fairly certain in saying that part of what you are grieving is your loss of so many years of being unable to live for your own self.
What has helped me to get over huge life hurdles has been working with a couple of good Psychologists during different phases of life. I'd suggest that you seek help with your healing and not continue to go it alone.
Yes, you can start fresh and begin to find joy in life. Begin by giving yourself permission to do so; nobody else but your father ever gave you that and he did the nurturing for you because your mother never did and was cruel; your sister took her lead.
Please seek grief counseling and begin to shed the burdens you've carried for too long.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
Fill up your days with fun activities. Resume your hobbies that you have put on hold. Organize your life in a way that benefits you.
You do not have to tell your sister that you forgive her, she probably has no clue as to what you are forgiving her for.
In your mind and heart let go of the all the hurt. The hurt from your mom and your sister.
You move on from there.
It is not easy to forgive you do not have to forget just do not let it smolder. Things left smoldering can reignite without you realizing what is happening. When that happens you get burned again.
This is a great time of year to seek a therapist if you want. Just talking to an impartial 3rd party can help you finish wiping that slate. (think about the White Boards that always have a ghost of what was written before unless you use a "special cleaner" to remove that as well)
((hugs))
Finding a life beyond your dysfunctional family of origin, cutting your toxic sister off, dealing with all the baggage that comes from situations like yours and moving to a new community.
You are doing great in my book. Just wanted you to know.
Stay warm :-)
I’ve done my best to prepare myself to stay ready to help, when allowed, but it causes resentment, being retired the past eight years, and not thrilled I may be asked for help, when much older, and maybe less physically able. Our mom quit doing for herself age 55, letting her youngest do for her, very frustrating. Our parents may be gone, by the time I am asked to help, but still alive. I will evaluate whether my
help is in person, or not. They aren’t gone now, and time is being wasted, that I cannot get back, but truly, I have no control. Hardest thing I have ever done, and I got sober decades ago, stayed sober, but that’s nothing compared to memory loss disease, poor elder health and dealing with a dysfunctional family. Please do your best to make a good life for you, cause I hope my sister can too, Deb
May God bless you abundantly in your new times to come.
Sincerely,
Kk :0)
Perhaps professional help is necessary to help you cope with the past and present.
If you stopped working, it is now high time to return to your career. If retired, look for volunteer opportunities and do some fun things for yourself with others, meeting smiling faces.
Yes, yes, yes...absolutely yes you can begin again after every stage and situation in life.
It's called a "new normal". For the record, every family is the same. It's just different nationalities and names but the same players. You are not alone my friend.
I had two fabulous parents. Dad passed years ago, Mom has Lewy Body. I don't make a lot of noise but the others don't want me to know this but I do all the work. They think I haven't caught on.
I'm one of 4 kids as was common when parents married back in the 50's. Mom was a stay-at-home Mom, Sunday dinners, Church--raised in faith, private schools, summer vacation at a beach house, winter vacation at a ski resort.
Nice life--so tell me why the other kids aren't helping out? Lots of grandchildren in my family and great-grandchildren. Mom babysat all the time so people could pursue education and careers--Mom babysat for free. Yes, that's right not a penny.
Once you accept reality, then you play the hand you are dealt with. Keep a piece of pie for yourself and make sure you're not living on popcorn in your old age.
When everything is said and done you want to be still standing. Little changes can produce big results. Even just gradually. Start where you are in the neighborhood, Church. Bloom where you are planted. A library card, the local Y, shopping therapy at the Dollar Store. Cook a one-pot meal and share it with someone while it's hot (not leftovers) that lives alone. Food is expensive and people who live alone don't like to cook and eat alone. If you share homemade food, you will always have people around.
Caregiving on some days is like going to war. Some days I wake up it's Monday then all of a sudden, it's Friday. The days fly.
I found the more effort and things I do the more I am scrutinized by my siblings. I have given this 300% I kid you not. I think the siblings can't believe how much I orchestrated and they feel guilty they are not pitching in so it's just easier to diminish what I am doing.
I love my family. They are productive citizens in life and have all done well but I am so hurt and disappointed and I don't want to be the bitter sister. If they give me a hard time and I mouth off which is really what they are hoping for then they can say she is stressed out. You don't want to come undone.
Save your energy. Eat right, early-to-bed, early-to-rise, pray, call your friends, Church, keep your finances in order and your home in order. Give away things you are not using. Read, don't watch any junk on Netflix that's going to scare you before going to bed. Read and watch things that have redeeming qualities.
You sound like a great person. There are those of us that believe "Honor thy Mother and Father". Amen.