Before you jump to depression know that I am happy. I feel content and joy. I use to be on the edge of OCD when it came to my house. Everything in its place, everything wiped down. Now, I honestly don't care. I don't care if people see the mess. I don't care that I can barely walk through the house. I am happy doing nothing. I know depression. I use to have depression and took meds, got better, got off meds. I need to care. My house it out of control.
Recently our grown daughter came and asked, "Was anybody hurt in the explosion?" referring to the disarray of the house...Like you, I don't care.
I am very cheerful but just don't care. (I do keep a nice yard.)
My goal is to outlive my spouse so she does not get lonely.
I tend to give myself a wake up call now when the clutter gets bad enough and tackle a room a day for a few days and make it somewhat presentable at twilight if the lights are off and I squint.
At 80, I know I am on the last lap of the run of life...It is no longer a race.
By the time the trumpet of doom blares on Judgment day, I'll be close to deaf and complain that the Boy Scouts are practicing again, rather than realize is the Angel of Doom.
Conceivably I'll look into n Clutterers Anonymous (an actual 12 step program.)
Grace + Peace,
Bob
But I'm a little puzzled by the apparent contradiction that you say you're happy and content, but you also say you need to care that walking through the house is becoming an obstacle course. Well, when it comes to cosmetic issues I'm with Quentin Crisp - "after three years the dust doesn't get any worse" - but the point at which your environment is impacting on your actual ability to function is the time to get help.
You know depression. Do you know about sublimation, displacement and denial? Are you sure you're not barricading yourself against a return of the OCD? If your earlier success was supported by a therapist you liked, I should look that person up and pop in for a review.
I used to wake up with a start after having a dream that my mom had died. Then that massive relief when I knew it was just a dream. Now I still have that dream. I just don't get to experience that relief anymore.
A lot of great advice above.
It's hard to offer words of advice without any background story. With that said, I have recently started studying the brain, neuroscience, and it's fascinating. What I have realized is we all have the ability to rewire our brains. If you don't like certain things about yourself or you don't like how you are feeling on a daily basis, you have the power to make the necessary changes. One of my favorite books is Change Your Brain, Change Your Life by Daniel G Amen. The power of daily intention and daily gratitude. Just those two things are so very powerful when done daily. It can be that easy, but it's not easy. You need to understand what triggered your current state of mind, decide where you want to your life to go, and then set your intentions to get there. It has taken quite a few months for me to make changes, but the changes have been powerful.
I often wonder how life will be after my mom passes. Then I decided to be the best me I can be now. I live in the moment. Perhaps dementia/ALZ has taught me that. It's a great way to live. Experience each and every moment of each and every day.
I heard a great quote the other day by Kay Lyons: "Yesterday is a cancelled check; tomorrow is a promissory note; today is the only cash you have - so spend it wisely."
Good luck, Take care of yourself.
Reading your question and the responses to it, I think we both need a little 'Spring Fever' adventure. Give ourselves permission to go visit a beautiful public space on the next sunny day and drink in what it feels like to be surrounded by tidiness and order then come home and make a little difference in our own environment.
An interesting thing occurs to me in reading your question (as I filter it through my own experience) and taking in the responses is that I suspect I'm in that weird emotional place of taking care of another person for a while that I value them above myself and it is being reflected in the environment I allow myself to live in. Does that resonate with you? Well, the responses from this community are a clear indicator that we certainly deserve better than what we are giving ourselves.
Heck, I'm motivated enough now that I may not wait 'til Spring sunshine ;)
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