How do I care for my mom, she constantly puts me down?

I'm more concerned about your mother's put-downs than her love of tarrot cards. "Mom, I can't change my age and I can't change my genes, so I'd prefer not to hear your predictions of my future. Time will tell if you are right." Repeat this as often as necessary.

It sounds like spiritual beliefs is not a good topic of discussion between you. If it upsets you or bores you to hear about her horescope for the day -- or yours! -- tell her so and ask that those topics be off limit.

What else could you redirect the conversation to? A movie you've both seen? Something you remember her cooking long ago that you'd like to learn to make? An interesting article in today's paper? What you are thinking of buying cousin Corrine for the upcoming wedding? Surely there are other things to talk about other than dire predictions for your future or Mom's spirtual beliefs. Refuse to engage on the "off limits" topics, but have some other items to start talking about.

Hi NJ~
I have had this issue for more years than I like to remember. Number 1: therapy helped me tremendously. My 90 yo mom is an alcoholic; dry alcoholic at this point. She has had issues with control, jealousy (of me) and concerns about what her legacy will be; these were NOT diagnosed by anyone other than me learning why I am like I am. I reached a point where I learned to set boundaries; in other words, I didn't allow her put-downs or speaking to me as if I was a little girl. It certainly hasn't been easy, but it does keep the peace. I walk away or tell her that what she has said isn't acceptable. She still tries once in a while. Now she is working her "magic" on the hospice nurse because Sarah is kind and can be intimidated; I just changed nurses to a stronger personality one and think this may work. I can actually say I love my mom..and that wasn't always the case. It took a lot of hard work on my part. I wish you all the best; it just isn't easy♥

Sounds like we've similar mom's. For the "put downs" I found that agreeing with her or beating her to the punch made her "defend" me and lift me up instead or she found other things to go on about (just keep doing the same thing eventually they run out of stuff to say!) as for the tarot cards etc: If she is Wiccan it may not be something you are comfortable with but it is a Federally recognized religion and can be considered abuse if you literally tell her it is "nonsense" simply tell her that you are glad she has a belief system but that yours varies from hers and you both need to agree that one subject is off limits for discussion! good luck~

Sounds like there are a lot of us around. My mom is also very negative, and everything has been so much worse for her than what anyone else has had to go through. She still goes on and on about how hard it was living with my father, and he's been gone 20 years now. She's been living with my son and me for the past 4 years, she could no longer live on her own because of trouble with back pain and no always remembering to take her meds properly. My son and my way of life came to a screeching halt! Now what we can do, etc., all revolves around mom. She continually puts me down, from I won't be able to find anothe job when I retire to I'm lucky to have the job I have, I'm too heavy, I should forget about trying to find a nice looking man because they'll never give me the time of day - I should just take whatever I can get and consider myself lucky, I'm a lousy housekeeper, I can't cook, I'm not a good Christian and I should stop pretending (I do the best I can), and the list goes on and on. She just recently had a stroke, or rather, a series of TIA's and is currently in a rehab facility. So far things are not going well, but it's only been a week. I tried counseling, which helped a little. I was told that when mom starts in on me to just say "whatever" and walk away. Only trouble is, mom caught on to that pretty quick, and now makes snide remarks about it. She's a very unhappy person, and I think she always has been. Maybe that's your mom's problem too. Does she have any friends, any other interests like reading, or word games, or any kind of needlecraft, etc.? Changing the subject when she starts in is good advice, but it won't always work. I know - been there, done that. My mom is a firm believer in ghosts, and watches everything she can find on t.v. about them. What's strange is that she is also a really big fan of Joyce Meyer, and watches her all the time too. Just tell your mom that religion and politics are never good topics for discussion, because everyone has different views, and the discussions almost always end up in an argument, and you don't want to argue with her. And just try to turn a deaf ear to her when she starts her insulting. Most probably she's not going to stop, no matter what you do. It's hard, 'cause she's your mom, but try not to take any of it personally. She wants you to be as miserable as she is, most probably . . . mine does, and more or less told me that.

kimkathleen, you obviously have nice parents. Some on this site do not. I would never make anyone feel they have to "serve" an evil parent. There are people on this site who have been abused. My Dad verbally abused me when i was growing up and Mom is selfish and narcissistic. My brother and I will care for her, but we will never be close to her. All professional advice I have received is to put boundaries in place. People like my Mom are interested on only one thing, themselves.

I know you intentions are good and maybe they would work for you. They just won't work with abusive parents. And telling your daughter she is old and no one would want her sounds pretty nasty to me.

Kimkathleen ~ I agree with you that we should respect our elderly and serve them ...as much as possible. But when a person who does not have an illness… .and is so mean to their daughter...you know yourself it is not a healthy situtation...and I feel quite certain that she has already tried being kind. That is why she is asking for our suggestions! Everyone does not repsond to kindness! It might irritate her mother even more depending upon what the mother's intentions really are. I love seniors and I have dedicated a big portion of my life since age 19 to helping seniors...and I am telling you they are not all sweet little ole people who respond to hugs and love. but I agree that many do. I have had the honor of being the hugger that made it all better for many seniors but it does not last...and when people are unstable at any age...it is not a safe nor healthy atmosphere for the caregiver or anyone else. When people are suffering , even if they just have anger, guilt or forgiveness, etc. problems or have physical pain they are not themselves...that is why they need professional help....and perhaps medication along with safe hugs and love when possible. . Another thing is...some of the seniors today came from backgrounds where they themselves have never received real love and they do not know how to show real love. They cannot give what they do not have themselves….love.

We should all be able to have our needs met and that is why most times it takes the intervention of professionals in cases dealing with the elderly. The mother in this case appears to be abusing her daughter who is only trying to help her!!!! So long as one is in good sound mind...we are suppose to be responsible and accountable for our thoughts, deeds and actions! Kim … I can see your goodness and that you are taking a high minded approach…so please do not think that I am in anyway attacking you…as I admire you for Speaking your truths…just as I am doing. Blessings~ hobbi

If you can't get distance from her, physically, I have another suggestion. This will sound really hard to do, but I started doing it when I felt like there was nothing else working, and so worth trying on some level. Try telling yourself -- silently or out loud but really telling yourself -- "THIS IS NOT PERSONAL. It has felt personal but it is not personal. This is all about her. I am fine. This is not personal. I no longer needs to feel personal, and the wisest and finest parts of me know this is the truth, and now so do all parts of me." Keep repeating it. Interrupt the mulling you do over what she just said. Start this train of thought/action instead. It works, I promise you.

When my Dad has gone over and over all the slights of his life, I gently remind him that they happened, they are over and he is okay anyway. He can't change the past, and he CAN change the present moment by letting the past stay in the past. It makes him mad temporarily and then he calms down. Trying to create a different past is never going to work, and even the most curmudgeonly among us have to see that on some level. Good luck!

I am so sorry to hear of all the sad issues so many people are having with their parents. It would be wonderful if we were all blessed with caring, loving parents, at least that would give us some happy childhood memories. Sadly enough many children had a horrible childhood and not only are left with horrible memories, but are still receiving verbal abuse their whole adult life from their parent(s).

My parents had 5 children and went to church twice on Sunday. However, they beat the hell out of the older 3 children. I was beaten from the time I was small until I was an adult. I was always a good kid, never caused any problems, never drank, never ran away, never talked back, never did drugs, got A's in school. We were raised on a farm & expected to work daylight to dawn. I can't forget the beatings from mom with the old vacuum sweeper hose that had wire coils in it, belts, switches, my dolls, shoes & anything she could get her hands on. I would climb under the bed to get away from her, but she would manage to pull me back out again & beat the hell out of me some more for trying to get away. Then if an item was damaged while she was beating me, I got hit some more and blamed for the broken item. I left home at the age of 18 and dealt with lots of depression through the years because of the abuse.

This abuse affected my older brother to the point of becoming an alcoholic by the age of 15. He also beat his son, who became a permanent prison inmate. My 2 youngest siblings never suffered the beatings. Those 2 siblings & their children are favored by our parents. Any conversation with mom she will brag about those grandchildren of her favorite children. If you happen to mention how your child just received a promotion at work, mom's response will be reversed to her favorite grandsons. It is like my son and/or my other sister's children don't exist. Our mother has said very hurtful things, written very hurtful letters to me & my sister and also her children, even putting these hateful letters in the children's birthday cards. This is totally verbal abuse and beyond.

Now the 2 younger siblings are pacifying mom & dad by encouraging this behavior, like they are scoring brownie points. We have been told they are trying to get mom & dad to change their will (mom is 88 & dad is 92). A couple most recent incidents included dad being airlifted to hospital twice for emergency treatment within 2 weeks. However, no one called my sister nor I. When questioned mom and also my youngest sister about this the reply was, “you didn't care enough to come to our 65th anniversary party, so we just figured you didn't care, so that is why we didn’t call you”. This was extremely hurtful. The reason I didn't go to the anniversary party was because I was undergoing a major eye surgery (trabeculectomy) at the same time as the party (of which she and the whole family were aware of). I am actually legally blind on one eye, because of glaucoma. I have the worst type of glaucoma a person can have. I also live out of state and a 10 hour drive to where they were having the party. When I told mom that I would not be able to attend the party because of my surgery, her response was “you should reschedule your surgery to a later date, after all it is not every day your parents celebrate their 65th anniversary”. If I had not rec'd the surgery when I did, I would have went blind. After the surgery, I even had to have 2 laser surgeries during my 6 weeks of recovery to open up the drainage channel, as it was closing up. I am still going for treatment. The surgery was severe enough that I was off work for 6 weeks and not medically cleared to even drive. Further, my younger sibling sister planned the party as she takes over everything & did not even ask me or my other sister's opinion as to when/where the party would be. When she called me about the party, she had everything all planned. I asked her if she could have the party earlier before my surgery, but she said No, she already made the arrangements. Her other comment was, can’t you change the date of your surgery?

For a period of 25 years, my sister and her husband helped mom and dad on a regular weekly 2 hour round trip to mow, fix and repair things, take them to the Dr., take them grocery shopping, take them to all the family events. Now because that sister did not go to their anniversary party (of which she knew nothing about because the sister planning the event refused to invite her) mom is treating her and her husband like dirt. She has written evil lies in many letters to my sister's daughter to upset her. My mother further threw up to me how my cousin came all the way from Texas to go to his parents’ anniversary party. However, she failed to mention he don't have a severe medical condition to deal with. Further, his parents would never of expected him to travel that distance if he did medical issues or needed surgery. The longer my younger siblings can keep my sister & I away the easier it will be for them to get mom to change the will, hide it from the rest of us, & take control of the situation.

(((((hugs))))) shrl and M1953 - you both have done and are doing so well. I have all but cut contact for similar reasons (verbal and emotional abuse) - just do what is good for you and your families and don't tolerate any more abuse - that garbage about the 65th anniversary is abusive - It is sad when parents and sibs pick on other famly members but we cannot control hteir behaviour, nor do we have to continue to put ourselves in the path of pain. It takes a long while to heal from these things - protect yourselves, do what you can to heal and enjoy the life God gave you. Your parents and sibs should be so proud of you both. I am!

shrlclntz, I am so sorry and sad. To read your comments brings tears to my eyes. I haven't had that happen often on this site. There is a special place in hell for some people and a special place in heaven. I hope you find your special place in heaven. Just don't have anything else to do with your parents and the ugly siblings. You have given enough.